My self esteem is a complicated thing these days. It was very simple once.

ROTFLMAO!!!

Now THAT would send the mods right over the edge, eh?

Mrs. W

Is your H here? I really hope what you are saying is true, for his sake, but I have a feeling there has to be some underlying issues that he has regarding his sexual confidence post dday...as opposed to pre d-day. I had sex with my W promptly after dday, and we've been having regular sex ever since...that doesn't mean I'm not having issues about it...I mean, I started this thread lol.

I will say that our sex life also did not wane after the affair...

Mr. W does post here though he is really busy lately and his posts are not as frequent...I'll see if he has time to chime in...

Mr. W is a very confident guy...always was...the affair knocked him down for only a very short time...he didn't miss too many steps before remembering exactly who he was...

Our situation differs from that of BobPure and Aphelion, in that Mr. W and I were not virgins when we met...OM was an ex-boyfriend of mine...I think that part actually helped in our recovery as odd as it may seem...In other words, I had a past sexual history with OM that pre-dated my meeting Mr. W...In recovery mentally it wasn't as hard to overcome since OM had "already been there before"...Egads that sounds horrible!!! Tis true, nonetheless...

Mrs. W

gonna bump this up so some FWW might see it....(not sure who on here is a FWH other than the newbies that have crept up lately...and they are not true "F" yet....)

not2fun

Intro, no my H isn't here. The fallout from the A WAS totally devestating for my H but, sexually, it was both a bonding thing for us and a reclaiming/recovery thing. Our sex life had/has always been wonderful. Even in MC just after d-day we both put 10 when our MC asked us about our sex life. Other things weren't 10's. For my H, the betrayal of trust and the thought I was capable of such a thing as an A, were far worse. I'd be very foolish if I thought my H didn't suffer terribly during those first SF encounters after d-day. I know if I'd refused him it would have been the end of the world.

But those moments of intimacy were so important to us. If we'd lost that, we'd never have recovered.

As Mrs W has said about her and Mr W, neither my H nor I were virgins when we met. My A was also with my old h/s boyfriend (as was Mrs W's) and he was a known quanitity to my H.

tst is a terrific FWH...Hopefully he'll show up and offer his perspective...(He is the FWH of SexyMamaBear)

Mrs. W

Bob,

Mrs. W,
I just wanted to take a moment and say that I really admire your candor in discussing your affair. You give me hope that someday, my FWW will be able to openly discuss her affair and we can both learn a great deal from it. I think right now she believes that discussing the A only serves to resurrect the pain, but I believe that discussing it is the only long term way of diffusing that pain and truely earning the badge "recovered". You set the bar high, and Mr. W is lucky to have someone so dedicated to the marriage.

Bob Pure said:

Aph said:

Guys, I am very sorry you feel this way. I heard a quote once, although I can't remember who said it and can't seem to find it on Google, either (lol), but it went something like- "Whatever you think you can, or think you can't, do...YOU'RE RIGHT!"

Noone can take away your self-esteem. And even though this discussion is about intimacy, self-esteem has everything to do with it. I know you say your SE is just fine, Aph, but your words tell a different story. You have talked about being a geek and this and that (the discussion about the slide-rulers was hilarious), but obviously your intellect has served you very well in your life. Maybe the fact that you and Bob were virgins when you married has a lot to do with it as well. It is a wonderful thing, no doubt, but maybe it has made it that much harder for you guys to move past this particular part of the A. Marital intimacy is supposed to be sacred to all, but marrying as a virgin goes even a little further, IMO. It is a bond that you have ONLY shared with your spouses, and therefore makes it that much harder to overcome the devastation of that exclusive bond.

Maybe the only way to overcome it is to find the strength within yourselves to re-create what was lost. Obviously, you are no longer your wives' one-and-only...but that doesn't take away YOUR worth. What YOU brought to the M you have honored. Is there some peace to be found there?

Andrew...

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate it...

Interestingly enough, Mr. W and I just discussed this aspect of our recovery the other day...

I think it has played out as it has for two reasons...

1. Mr. W always provided me with a safe environment in which to share.

and

2. Growing up, my father had Bipolar Disorder and I watched in horror what sweeping things under the rug wrought...Instinctively I knew how damaging that was to do, thus that was never a consideration for us.

Til this day we discuss EVERYTHING openly...It works very well for us...

I too hope that your wife comes to understand how important this is...

Mrs. W

In context I thought you were writing about lost sexual intimacy and exclusivity, not SE.

It may not appear so around here, but my SE is pretty darn good. Yes, there was a big dip for a long time after each D-Day of each affair. But … I know what I am worth to me. I even know what I am worth to FWW. (An EN meeter, of course.) But that is OK. I also have many other interests now.

EXPLORE THIS, APH...I implore you! I sense a deep sadness in you... emptiness, anger, bitterness. It does not have to be this way!! Don't slough it off and say things about "loving detachment" and "other interests" as if it is satisying to you in the way a marriage should be.

GRR...I'll get off it now...you and Bob get to me in a way that I can't explain. Just want to help you so much. Don't know how, though...

Edited to add...Bob seems to be doing much better, though!

I forgot (haven't had much interaction with the FWH...I know there are a couple, but not many...)....maybe I'll put a shout-out to him.....

Thanks Mrs. W.....

not2fun

Aphelion...

I read you say something about not being able to bring up the affair with your wife...Why not? What happens if you do?

Mrs. W

HI NOT2!!!

How ya doin today, sista?

BTW, intro...where did ya go?? It's all about YOU, too! LOL!

HEY GIRLFRIEND......I am okay...I was a little PO'd at WS earlier, but I am getting over it....him having to fix us and his business is hard on us both. Not enough hours in the day for all of it. It will be easier for me though in a couple of weeks when I go back to work. Give me something more to do during the day. Right now, I would rather him be home a 5 every night and take over when he does get home, but alas, in his line of business it doesn't work that way....oh well....how are you?? I almost thought about busting W2S chops on the music thread. I may still do that.....

not2fun

AGREE!!!!!

Mrs. W

I'm around...just playing some guitar with the computer on lol.

I did stop in the "W says A is over - but contact with OM persists" thread...I feel bad, but I just 2x4'd a fellow BH. Maybe you guys can help him out a little more gracefully than myself lol.