Hi, I'm new here and need to share my story/vent.
Our marriage was a dream marriage for about two years. About that time I bought a motorcycle and started to show my angry side. With was mad a bout the bike saying she said no and I did it anyway. Said she lost trust for me right there and then.
We argue like most couples and at times I have been very mean. I go off for the smallest and dumbest reason.
About a month ago mother in law came to town. She has been a point of contention for the four years we have been married. So before she came we had fights about her coming. On the second day of her visit something set me off and I got in a verbal argument with the mother in law, telling her i would just as soon kill her as have her stay. Not a good thing to say. Wife asked me to get my stuff and leave.
That was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love my wife dearly and am so embarrassed and ashamed of how I have been the past few years. Too bad it took me to see what I was losing before I would get help fro my issues. That very day I called and set up with a counceler for my anger issues. Also set up marriage counceling, wife only went two times. Am also working with a adult registered pratical nurse for the medication side of controling my anger.
So this past month has been the most depressing of my life. I have lost over 30lbs in the pst four week. Its been one of those times I wish I could go back to the past and start all over knowing what I know now.
The wife did agree to go to marriage coaching, our first one on one is tomorrow so we will see how that goes. Even though she has agreed to do this she is filing for divorce on Thurs. Saying maybe in six months to a year we can get back together when she trust me. I don't understand why the divorce if she is willing to work on the marriage. My gut tells me her mother is insisting on the divorce as she is very controlling with my wife. The lawyer is paid for and appointment set up.
My wife has also agreed to start dating me again. Letting me be part of her life and her being part of mine. When her mother has been in town I have not been out to the house but when she is gone I try to get our there. My wife just found out that she has MS about two months ago so this adds to her dispare. When I get out to the house I try to get as much house work and yard work done so she can just come home and relax. She seems to have liked this.
We are going out on Sat for her birthday after a two hour coaching class. We are going to a place she has wanted to go for years and I have been against going to. I am going to try to start all over as if this is our first date. She has seen some progree on my anger issues and now I am starting to build trust, I hope. I hope that she will see enough change in me that she will not go through with the divorce. This gives me 90 days to get my crap together and become a better man for myself and for her.
Thanks for reading.
B

Welcome to MB.

It seems the month for men with anger problems. See Duke's thread, and the one about the wife just leaving.

First read all the concepts here. Get the book LoveBusters at least and read up. Angry Outbursts are the biggest withdrawal of points from the love bank. You cannot EVER have another angry outburst. You can and will get mad, but you must NEVER again express it in such a way as to punish your wife, her relatives or the children or dog.

As a show of good faith, I think I'd sell the bike. You bought it when she didn't want it. From what I understand motorcycles can be pricey. You spent her money on something when she asked you not to. This is what experts are now calling "financial infidelity." Financial infidelity may not hurt as much as sexual infidelity, but it's at least as scary. Probably it is more scary if it goes on for a long time or is dramatic because it creates fears of losing the house, not being able to put food on the table, etc. Plus, you see all those hours you worked go up in smoke.

I wouldn't worry about the divorce aspect right now. Your wife is probably forging ahead with it because she doesn't have faith that you'll really change. In addition, she's probably scared because you threated to kill her mother. You need to repair the relationship you have with your wife, and the only way you can do that is to concentrate on getting yourself under control. Are you seeing an individual counselor? You mentioned medication, what is it for? And I'm assuming you meant a nurse practioner who can prescribe meds, rather than a practical nurse.

As someone who's been depressed off and on since she was 9, I highly suggest that any pschopharmacueticals be used only under teh guidance of psychiatrist. The brain and mind are so tricky that you want a specialist. If the nurse practioner specializes is psychiatry, then you're probably okay. Either way, you need to be seeing a counselor. Meds alone aren't the answer to a behavior problem. And until you stop the abusive yelling and angry outbursts, you won't make headway in the marriage counseling.

You can do this. One step at a time. Your wife is letting you in the house, which I may not have been willing to do if you had told my mother you'd as soon kill her. She's going to date you. You've got a second chance.

Oh, a suggestion. Tell the marriage coach that you two are going out for a celebration dinner. You want to end the session on a very positive upbeat note, otherwise dinner won't be much fun.

How are things between you and your MiL now? What you said was a crushing blowing, and I think you really need to find a way to apologize and get forgiveness from her as well. Maybe she's difficult and your wife probably knows that, but you know what you said was unacceptable. I would not be surprised if your MiL is trying to convience her to divorce you, and even if you patch things up with your wife, your MiL will still be an issue in your relationship.

Mel
I am seeing a nurse prctitioner, was kinda flustered when I wrote that last night:) Also doing the individual counceling too. So far so good. People at work have already noticed a difference for the better.
The bike was sold last week. I too thought it would be a good faith expression. Was going tospend the money on her and have to some extent but looks like the rest will be going to a lawyer.
The MIL. she has never accepted me from day one. She is very intrusive into my wifes life and my wife will not stand up to her. I am sure that for the past month all the wife has heard is how bad a person I am. Abot two weeks after this I did write the MIL a letter taking ownership of my outburst and past issues with her. As she live out of state and has been here most of that she wasn't home to recieve the letter until this week. Not sure how it will be taken but the appology was from the heart adn I hope she will see that. I think the other issue with the divorce is that MIL has paid up front for the lawyer and started the paper work for the wife. So no the wife is stuck between me and her mother. I don't envy her spot right now. I think she wants to make this work but is being told by mom to walk away. No wonder she is conflicted.
Thanks
B

Wow, that's a very tough situation. I have no idea how to deal with a MiL like this. No doubt, your MiL needs to stay out of things and shouldn't be trying to control her daughter, and your wife needs to leave and cleave. I don't know what can be done about this, other then maybe some third party convincing your wife to keep her mother out of this for now.

I guess I'm lucky in that my MiL is pretty much on the sidelines in this, except for providing some financial security should my wife go through with the divorce. My own mother is a problem (passive agressive) and often find my himself defending my wife's case to her, but that's somewhat managable.

Update.
Wife and I had first one on one coaching session today. I feel we made progress in there. She was able to talk about what changes she wants and how she will know I have met them, I did the same with her. The kicker is when we were done she handed me the divorce papers!
After she handed them she said it will be easier to work on teh future with me with this chapter behind us. I am taking a leap of faith by hopping that she is commited to us and improving our relathionship. She did say that she hopes we do get back together either marriage or common law.
She again agreed to date me and only me, be a part of my life and allow me to be a part of hers. She is willing to let me help her around the house to make life easier on her.
I'm torn. I see her point of putting this chapter behind and have faith that she is working on US with good faith.
man what a rollercoaster!

I smell Bull.

Your MIL didn't pay up front for a divorce unless she deceived him that it would be an uncontested divorce.

My wife tried to pull that stunt with her first lawyer and he dropped her and kept her money when I fought back and refused to even sign the "agreement" she sent me.

Wait her out at every turn and bankrupt MIL.

ff486, I hope you're not planning on signing those papers.

Some people do remarry after divorce, but it's not the rule. I'd definitely stall.

Also, your wife is decieving herself if she thinks that divorce will put this chapter behind you two. Divorce doesn't change the relationship between two people. It just enables the two people to separate their lives more easily. The two spouses still have to do the work.

For example, divorce didn't make my ex suddenly respect my boundaries or stop manipulating me. I had to change the relationship by enforcing my boundaries and learning to avoid manipulation. That's pretty hard work.

Your wife will need to learn to enforce her boundaries with you and with her mother if she wants a relationship with you. It doesn't matter if your divorced or not. The hard work still has to be done.

It is not uncommon for a WS to make lots of promises to a BS IF ONLY they give them a divorce. It's generally just a manipulation. Because after they've achieved their objective of getting divorced they don't follow through with 'giving us a chance' or whatever nonsense they said before. You don't get divorced if you want to commit to the marriage.

Wow, what a deal for you! She is allowing you to help her and make life easier on her! And what is she going to do for you? Not make life easier for you, I can guarantee that.

The bottom line is that if you don't want to get divorced, don't sign those papers. If you want to stay married, don't get divorced. That should be obvious, but waywards have a way of twisting logic around to convince betrayeds that getting divorced will be a way of working things out.

BHHFS, the poster's wife is not having an affair that I know of.

I can't say for sure since virtually everything I've read is regarding adultery, but I agree that you don't get a divorce if you want to work on the marriage - regardless of the reason for getting the divorce.

I'd also like to chime in that, given the OP's description of his situation, I wonder if the relationship has been abusive. I don't want to accuse him of being an abuser, but perhaps that is how his STBXW and his MIl views it. Abuse can be any combination of mental, physical or emotional. Clearly he had some anger issues and buying the bike was gross disrespect - something else usually present in abusive situations. If this is the case, you probably need a lot more than free advise on a discussion forum.

Tabby
No adultery on either part. That I know of anyway.
As for abuse. I think she could make a case that my anger and outburt have been emotionally abusive. While never directed at her per se I do see where she fears me. Also I did get verbally abusive to ther mother, thats what started this whole mess.
I think she see's the divorce as a safety net. I am getting help for my issues from many fronts. I feell she truly does want to work this relationship out but wants the safety of the divorce just incase. She did mention last night that she is seeing the changes in me and is willing to continue coaching, dating me, and working on a future with me. That is enough to give me hope that I will make my changes for myself and that she will accept me as a better man. I do not enjoy being angry. And to know that she is fearfull of me embarasses me as I don't want to be the type of person anyone should fear. This is a great learning oppertunity to me to make those changes.

My wife also saw the anger in me and although I was or never would be abusive to my wife, there were times, on a couple of occasion, where she was truly afraid of me because of my anger. One of the first things I focused on, even before we got divorced was my anger. I found it to be the root of my unhappiness. I spent decades thinking that those around me were responsible for my unhappiness, but I found out that it was my inner anger that was making me happy. Once I learned what true anger is and how it consumes you and how to take control of it. I was able to find happiness in my own life, even in the midst of going through a divorce.

I filed for our D, even though I was against it, in order for my wife to feel safe about her interest in our son. She was truly scared to death that I was going to keep her from seeing him and move out of state. I never once threatened her with that notion, but along with her own thoughts and with the help of her 3 divorced/single mom friends, she was sure that that was my intentions. So, I filed the papers outlining that she could be with our son whenever she was not working and that is how it has been since the day our papers where signed.

You may be right and your wife may just need the safety of the D. Mine did. But, the conspiracists in us may think otherwise. Or she may be just telling you what she thinks you want or need to hear in order to get a peaceful divorce from you. I say stall all you can with the D. Do it in a peaceful manner, trying not to get her upset about it. I know it may be a challenge, but it is in your best interest.

I think the whole notion of her wanting to start over and date you again and see your progress is very reassuring. But, I do not understand why she id hell bent on getting a D if that is truly what see wants for the two of you. I can see a trail or legal separation, but a D is a bit of an extreme action to take if you want to try to fix a marriage. But, like you say, she may just need the safety that she "THINKS" that it will bring. To me a legal or trial separation brings just as much safety, but is not as final as a D seems to be.

I can see a trail or legal separation, but a D is a bit of an extreme action to take if you want to try to fix a marriage.

I agree with ff on this one.. I think you should talk her into a separation if you can and do it in a sincere manner. Don't sign the D papers if you don't want the divorce. My wife told me everything that I wanted to hear because she knew that I would do anything to save our marriage. I was doing the same thing I was going to marriage counseling by myself and giving it 100%.. She told me that if I let her leave with our 2 little kids and let her go out of state (where she is from), that we would have a better chance of working it out and that she would be able to forgive me and she wanted a break so she can work on herself, then we would have a greater of chance of being together... So I let her go.. Not even a month later she called me and told me that she wanted a divorce.. now I have to fight like hell to get my kids back.. As I post this now I am realizing how stupid and naive I was to let her take advantage of me like that.. just don't let her take advantage of your emotions and play off of them. Something is not right.You can still date and be married, and do all the things that she wants to do.. DONT SIGN IT IF YOU DONT WANT IT.

I agree about trying for a legal seperation. MIL had the divorce papers drawn up for her, paid for the attorney. W will follow through just to please her mom. I say let her mothers money get lost or use it to do a legal seperation.
I know and W has told others that she want to work on a "new" relationship with me and does see us back together after my anger issues are under control and proven to be stable. She tells her friends that, but she also tells them that she wants the divorce to close this chapter so she can focus on the next with me. I still don't get that as many times as I have heard it, it still does not make any sense to me.
I do believe she truly does want a future. She is not the type that will say she will go to Coaching if she doesn't feel it will help. Also the fact that she wants to date me is something else that she would say if she didn't mean it. Never in the five years that I have know her have I ever has pause to question her truthfulness. I guess that why I am believing what she says about the divorce. Call me a sucker I know, I've saying it to myself too, but my gut tells me she is heing honest.
Still doesn't make this any easier.

Food for thought...

My STBXH said a lot of things he didn't mean, in order to get what he wanted.

He wanted me to stop calling him, so he promised me that if I gave him one week, he would move home. He wanted me to not drop in at work anymore, so he told people I was crazy and tried to poison him. He wanted people to think that he was the good guy even after his affair, so he told people that we were getting back together (I heard this from a couple of friends he had told it to... he never did call me to ask)

Please. Do not fall into her trap. She gets her divorce and is done with you. Then, who looks like the fool?

My ex-MIL fronted the money for the lawyer and made ex-H file the papers, send out letters accusing me of things I did not do, etc. because it made our reconciliation harder as a result. He was embarrassed, and I was pissed off. End result... after 4 months of hearing the things that I was being accused of, the lies and the no contact, I began to hate my WH. That was the end for me. One month later, when my WH sent his friend to see if he had another chance (he couldn't ask himself) I told him no... we were done.

If you do not want to lose your wife, don't let her trick you, because that will leave you with egg on your face.

Sounds like she is getting a lot of input, pressure and coercing from her mother. I assume that the heated argument that you had with your MIL has helped to fuel her desire to persuade your W to divorce you. You will need to heal the relationship with you MIL at sometime also. You will never have a healthy relationship with your W if there is friction between you and your MIL. As far as the different wants she is telling her friends, it generally is just to appease them. She is most likely agreeing or telling them what they are telling her. If one is saying "divorce him", then she is probable responding with "I am going to". And if they are saying "stay with him", she is most likely responded "I do want to". Words are just that, words. Her actions are were the truth lies.

Are you taking steps to gain control of your anger. If not stop all other efforts you are putting forth and hit the anger issues head on and at full force.

Your wife sounds very similar to my own. She says what she really means and is not know for saying something just to appease others or to get them of her back. Through my whole break up and divorce, at ever instances my wife was direct and honest in everything she told me. Although she would not give me information freely. I would have to ask her how she felt, what she wanted etc. Only when I asked would I get answers to my questions. But, if I did not inquire she would say nothing about our situation or even talk about it.

Have you approached her about a separation instead or a divorce? Something like "I truly understand how you need time apart from me to heal and I also need time apart from you to regain control of my priorities and my anger. But, a divorce to me feels so final for our relationship. I do agree we need a new start and we need time to focus on ourselves, but to me a divorce means the end, not a new beginning. I do want a new start as do you, so why don't we give a trial separation/legal separation a try and see where things go from there. If things do not change and we can not make amends then you can file for a divorce." or something along those lines.

I am devistated today!!!
Thursday we signed the papers:( I wnet with my gut thinking that she was infact telling me the truth about closing that chapter so we can begin a new one. We even wnet out that night and had one of the best dates in years. She seemed happy to be with me, was open to talk, smiled and even touched me with feeling behind it.
We have had a date planned for tonight after coaching. She seemed excited about it and even was talking about it. I had it planned that her gift is at the resturant and they were going to bring it out to her. So to day she calls me up crying saying that she can't go tonight, doesn't want to talk to anyone. Says she won't be to coaching either. She didn't give a reason and I didn't ask so she didn't feel pressured. Told her I am here for her to listen when she wants to talk any time any hour. I hope she will be able, with some space come around and talk so i know what she if thinking.
I just hope this is a bump in the road and not the end. We even had teased about our next wedding on Thurs and how we were just going to the city hall. She laughed and joked about it.
I hope this is just a bit of cold feet and fear on her part and not the end.
:((

I am so so sorry hear hwo your wife seem to be doing a 180. The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was there is OM involved.