Hello All,

I posted here awhile abck about my WW's LTA. Her A has since ended and we are still together and working towards recovery. After a lengthy plan A, it basically it came down to me looking at myself in the mirror one day and asking myself 'Are you insane? Why are you putting up with this crap?'

From there it was straight to plan FU. If she wanted to lie to me and deceive me, I was going to do it back 10 times worse. I had her head spinning whenever she would try to confront me with accusations about how horrible a husband I was and how she never wanted to marry me. I just wasnt going to deal with her or the A anymore. She rented an apartment (she thought I didnt know) and was planning to move out the day after Thanksgiving last year.

I was actually looking forward to the peace. I had accepted the fact that my family was going to be broken up and that I would now be a part time dad. I realized that I was going to be okay. I knew that one day, when my son came to me and asked 'what happened', I could look him in the eyes and tell him i did everything I could do. And I wouldnt be lieing.

Come the morning she was going to leave, she woke me up at 5am crying her eyes out. She said she made a huge mistake and didnt want to leave me and our family. Since then, we have been working towards recovery.

Here is my problem. 8 months or so later, I dont know if that was the right thing to do (for me) I am not sure anymore that this is a marriage that I want to be in. And I struggle with this because I fought so hard for so long to be here. There is nobody else in my life. Every day I drive home from work practicing how I am going to tell her I want her to leave. I can't help but feeling disgusted every time I look at her. I see her as nothing more than used goods at this point. I dont know if I can (lor want to) live the rest of my life with this person.

Is this normal for a BS? What am I supposed to do now?

Hi Throughtheglass...

I've only got a quick sec here, but I just wanted to let you know that the 8 month mark is very normal time for you to get angry and question what you want...It's kinda the time that the adrenaline dies down and you look around going WTH? Only you can truly gauge what you want, but I'd say wait a bit if you can, simply because of the time table...Are you both meeting each others needs and spending at least 15 hours per week together?

MelodyLane might be a good person for you to have post to you...I know that I've seen her address this particular issue...I think she could offer you some great insight...Perhaps adding her name to the title of your thread would help...

Gotta Run...I'll check in with you later...

Hang in there...

Mrs. W

TTG,

Actually you are running a little late. This response often hits at 6 months. For years we have conjectured as to why. The best guess seems to be that at about 6 months (not a hard number for sure) the BS knows the marriage can make it. At that point all of the anger, resentment, pain that they have been holding in to do plan A, starts to surface. Hence the feelings you have.

You do realize that Harley recommends plan A for a very specific period of time and surely not for a normal marriage behavior right? Why? To do a good plan A, the BS must put their "taker" on the back burner. The "taker" won't stay there long because of the embalance. In a good marriage the "taker and giver" are balanced in a manner that is natural to you.

I would guess it has taken you longer to feel your marriage has a chance because of the LTA. I would say you are normal. Your feelings are normal.

My suggestion is set a deadline for reevaluation at say 6 months from now. At that point evaluate your marriage, check to see if progress is being made (even baby steps), and check to see what you really need that you are not getting.

My inclination is to express to your W, your anxiety, your fears, and what is really worrying you. I am not sure if she can handle it. If you two have been going to counseling, consult your counselor and solicit her/his recommendations about talking to your W about this.

It would seem you are in fact in the normal pattern.

God Bless,

JL

EDITED TO ADD THIS PS: You will never regret giving your marriage your best shot, no matter what. As you point out if your children grow and ask you what happened you can look them straight in the eye, tell them and tell them you did your best. If your marriage were to end, and you found yourself in a new relationship, a reasonable question by the new woman in your life would be "what happened", you can look her in the eye and tell her you did your very best. It is all you can do. Don't second guess yourself. You made the right choice to give your marriage a chance.