my husband and i got married after knowing each other for only two months. we knew it was quick, but we also felt that we didn't need to wait because we love each other. we've been married for two weeks and the problems seem to be never ending.

the biggest problem is communication. he doesn't do it... when we talk, it consists of him telling me how it's gonna be, me giving him my opinion and him saying "okay" to make it go away. the only time we really get anything accomplished is thru texting... which is kind of ridiculous.

our living situation is a big part of it for sure. we are currently staying in an apartment rent free. my husband is kind of the caretaker. at any given time we have between 2 and 6 people staying with us. we have our own room, but it's still not ideal for a newly married couple. because of our living circumstances, he has decided that we can only have sex when no one is home or everyone's asleep, which i completely disagree with. especially since we waited for sex until we were married. after discussing the problem with my mom, i told him that i had thought about it and that it was fine. that perhaps we could plan around the other people living with us. maybe take a long lunch one day or get a hotel room for an evening. the problem with anything like my response is that anytime i bring up sex he says that i think of nothing but sex. which is not true. however, i'm a 20 year old newly married bride who wants desperately to be with her husband. but every time we do make love, i feel like i have to drag it out of him. and it's not that he's embarrased. he was extremely promiscuous up until about 6 months before we met. i'm really not sure what's going on. he says that once we move into our own apartment (on aug15) everything will be fine, but i don't know...

another issue is that he told me he feels like he has no authority in our relationship and he feels that he should as the man. which i agree with. but he gets bent out of shape over tiny things. like the other day on the way to our friend's house i had the AC on in the car and after awhile he turned the air off completely. awhile later, i wanted some air circulating so i just turned the fan on and left the AC off. and that's when the "i feel like i have no authority in our relationship" thing started. because i turned the air on... things like, i wanted to have my wedding ring sized before the wedding and he didn't want me to.

for the past two nights he's fallen asleep on the couch reading and he doesn't understand why it kind of upsets me. his excuse is "you don't even notice until you wake up." is it wrong to want my husband to sleep in the same bed as me?

apparently marriage isn't what he expected it to be. he was expecting his parent's relationship. what he doesn't understand is that everyone has to start somewhere. we can't start out with a perfect marriage with a house and a dog and three kids. i can't have dinner waiting when he walks thru the door. we have work schedules that don't work that way. i just need advice on how to make him happy. i want my husband to be happy.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, vitani...


I hear you saying that you both reacted to your feelings and got married even though you knew it wasn't real or healthy, or real healthy?

When you permit yourself to react to your feelings (use them to make your decisions for you) instead of your beliefs, you're living backwards...which makes all relationships with other humans feel like neverending problems.

When you choose to act (not react) to your beliefs...I chose to love DH, and to act on my love...then my feelings follow.

Humans connect through intimacy (understanding and being understood by one another) and through conflict (holding different viewpoints, beliefs, feelings).

My advice for you is to read and research how to have a great marriage...see, it's not about finding the right partner, it totally is about being one.

Read the articles on this website by the Harleys...get their books...Fall in Love, Stay in Love...understand you are half of everything in the marriage...if you see something as a problem, it will be a problem. If you strive first to understand, you may discover it isn't a problem at all.

Your wants, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions--they are yours and yours alone. They cannot be wrong. They are valid and yours.

That also means they aren't right, either. They just are.

You want to sleep next to your H at night. He wanted to sleep on the couch for two nights. You guys are in a stressful, temporary situation living with other people in and out of your marital space. For sure this is going to end 8/15, is that correct?

Read about the Four Rules of Marriage...the Policy of Joint Agreement...The Giver and The Taker...read, learn and know so you can have a great marriage...one where you don't fight your partner and make him your enemy...where you keep the actions separate from the person...so you can be the great partner you really want to be. You've VOWED to him...whether you did so too fast or not...are you gonna break your own vows?

LA

LA,
You hit the nail on the head with this statement. I hope she gets it.

Fill out the Love Buster questionnaire and start using it. Then fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and start using it.

And plan to talk about your beliefs and expectations once a week and make some arrangements for how things will work.