I don't know you or your physical situation. Consult a doctor. I have seen posts by those who ads have helped and those who claim no difference. Give it time. The long haul is exactly that, the long haul.

Larry

Hey OKM! How is it going today? ADs come highly recommended from Dr. Harley in his articles, but my DH and I have tried a couple different kinds- all of them producing sexual side-effects (um, BAD FOR RECOVERY!!), not to mention a whole array of other "fun" problems. Our doctor suggested St.John's Wort, but we haven't tried it yet. I believe MelodyLane found a natural rememdy that was very helpful for her...I'll try to find the name of it for ya. It just seemed the bad out-weighed the good with ADs for us. And really, nothing takes away the need for TIME to heal for both of you. You are doing all you can for now. Remember to ask him often if there is anything more you could be doing.

Larry, I hear ya and agree completely. But one thing I will add is that I see just as many WHs that affair down as well. Their BWs expect some young hottie and then are surprised when they see a much less attractive woman than they expected. I just think it makes no difference what the OP looks like in most cases...

So I just got off the phone with my DH. He thinks that I am still seeing/talking/texting the POS OM. I told him that my only focus is on him, meeting his needs, and saving our marriage. That I want to feel the love from him that I went looking for in most definatley the wrong place.

He hung up on me, so I called back and asked him why he hung up. He said that last comment makes it sound like I must have seen the POS OM today.

I want to feel the love from him that I went looking for in most definatley the wrong place. Is this fog speak??? Do I still sound wayward???

I wasnt demanding that he better start making me feel good and love me, I was stating that I am going to be patient and do everything I can to get thru this together because I KNOW that there is a bright and wonderful light at the end of this long and dark tunnel. What I meant is that I have hope that if I endure thru all this I know it will be worth it and I WILL feel the love from him that we had lost and I was trying to substitute. There is or never will be anyone or anything that can substitute my DH. He is and always will be my true love, the only one for me and the father of my children. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he doesnt seem to understand that and just thinks that I'm playing him for a fool.

I'm sure thats probably normal, but what I really want to know is how I sound to other people. Maybe I'm coming off all wrong and need to use different words. I dont want to send the wrong messages, but its tricky because he takes things differently then how I mean them. For example (and this is in general and doesnt apply to us at all) If I said something like "I'm here now" He wouldnt hear that I am here, he would take it like I must be leaving. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone, but what I'm getting at is when I say things he usually hears the opposite of what I'm saying.

YIKES!
Sorry Ok, but I am with your BS on this one. It sounds like you are blame shifting. Let me re-write it in a way he may have heard it.

I know my affair was wrong but if you gave me the love I needed I wouldn't have strayed.

What I "think" you meant is you are not feeling the love from him now and it is hurting you.

Tell him you just want to help him get to a place he feels safe to love you again. You are early in on recovery and if you really want to make this work you need patience.

I'm not trying to blame him for anything.


That is partially true, but not what I'm concerned about. I'm not worried about my feelings right now. I just want to help him recover from what I did so that we will be able to rebuild our marriage. I have much hope that we are going to get thru this and we will have a better marriage then either of us ever imagined. If you read my update on my other thread in Recovery you will find that I am exstatic about the progress we have made.

I'm just keeping my armor on and not letting the LB's penetrate too deep. I know he is still hurting and confused and that is my fault for what I did.

The problem I am having is that no matter what I say it seems to come across wrong and get turned completely around into something that it isnt.

I understand at this point that my words pretty much mean nothing, so how do I get my point across? How can I reassure him when everything I say gets turned into the opposite of what I truely mean???

He thinks I'm playing him for a fool, still lying and cheating, but I truely am repentant. I am sooooo very sorry for the pain that I have caused him, my family and myself. All I want to do is love him, and only him. It just seems like I always say the wrong thing and nothing is ever very reassuring to him.

You would have to ask him, but IMO I feel like my actions have supported my words, that I WANT to be with him, and only him......forever.

Ok,
You are both very vulnerable now. Keep that in mind. I don't know what you have said in the past that you feel he has taken the wrong way. I only have this one thing you posted and IMO what you said could be taken a different way than you may have meant it. I could see why your husband would be upset. When we say things we know what we mean but sometimes there is room for interpretation. That is what I think may be happening. Do you think you could sit down when you are both calm and talk about it? Let him know how much you love him and you feel that what you are saying sometimes gets misinterpreted. Discuss ways to deal with it when it comes up in the future.

Larry,

Thanks for the post from the logical mind. I am an engineer and your breakdown makes so much sense. My wife is in the throes of an EA and she was reading over my shoulder. She just walked out disgusted. I am slowly losing my mind over all of this, but hanging in there to protect our kids in the hope that my wife comes back to her senses!

Thanks,
BF

ME:BS 39
WW:40
DS:9
DD:6

A quick question for some of the vets who have BTDT.......

People who are having an affair or being wayward dont think normally for the most part. Is the wayward mind ever really rational or is it usually pretty unlogical, hence the term "wayward mind?"

We went cmping this last weekend with my in-laws and we had a really good time. We rode 4 wheelers, went swimming and played some card games. I enjoyed every minute of the trip. When we got homme my H unpacked the car and I started on things around the house.

Then after a little while my H asked me if I ws going to go anywhere that afternoon and I hadnt planeed on doing anything but relaxing so I told him "no" then he said "so we're just gonna hang out together the rest of the day and take it easy?" once again I didnt have aything that I needed to do and jus felt like relaxing so I said "no" then he said "promise?" and I said "yes" just asuming he wanted reassurance.

After he confirmed and I had promised he told me tht the hospital had called.

My friend and neighbor was due to have her baby any day and I'm sure he was thinking she probbly had it and didnt want me to go see her since she would be home in a couple of days anyways.

Well she has been having complictions and the hospital that the number was from was not the hospital she was going to deliver at, but she had been admitted there for monitoring about week before, so I figured she was just back in to be checked out and probably had called asking if I had seen her oldest son or something.

So I clled the hospital and asked if she was checked in, and she was, so they transfered me to her room and when she answered I said "hey your not hving a baby already, are you?? (since I knew she was not supposed t obe delivering there. She got real serious and said "who is this?" and I was surprised she didnt recognize my voice, so I told her who it was and then she got real quiet and heard "Bridget, I lost her"

My jaw hit the floor, she was practically full term and I couldnt believe it. she told me all about what had happened and told me I could come down if I wanted to. I told her that I didnt know if I would (since I had promised my H already that I wouldnt go anywhere, but I didnt tell her that)

So I took a shower and stuff hoping that he would say something to me like "hunny, if you need to go see her, then go, I'll be here when you get back and we can spend he rest of the day together." But he didnt and I was afraid that if I asked him to go that he would get upset nd say "you promised you wouldnt go anywhere" and I didnt want to upset him so I just didnt know what to do.

I felt very strongly that I need to go see her and show my support and sorrow for her loss. But my family comes first, especially my H and the last thing I wanted to do was upset him.

Well he ended up getting pissed anyway because I was upset. He told me to just go, and after I called his mom to confirm that it was the right thing to do, I went.

I was gone between 30-45 mins and when I got back he was still in a very bad mood and wanted nothing to do with me, wouldnt look at me or talk to me. He went in our room and watched a movie and I just continued to clean the house and get things ready to go back to work on monday.

He ended up taking a little nap that evening and was in a much better mood after that. He even apologized for being so mean.

So today I talked to my friend and she told me when and where the funeral was going to be and said she knew I had to work, but she wanted to let me know in case I could make it.

Well I just started working for my in-laws again last week and my H does not want me to ask for time off. He says its not like I knew the person, she wasn't even born yet and I just strted working for his parents again so I really shouldnt ask for time off and I understand that, but its not like I knew this was going to happen and I feel like its important to support my friend in her time of loss, just as I feel she would if it were me in her place. Not to mention that the only sibling I almost had was stillborn, so I have experienced this same type of loss in my immedite family as a child.

Anyways, my H thinks that I should support her and that I can anytime since she just lives down the street, but that its not important for me to go to the funeral/burial. I am very torn because I feel like as a christian it is important for me to be there to comfort and support her. I have been invited which to me means that she really wants me to be there. When I visited her in the hospital she was very comforted by the things I said to her when she would start to break down. My H feels like it is a family thing and that I really shouldnt be there and the whole thing is just morbid.

How can we POJA this, if he is willing to, so that we can both agree without one of us being upset at the other one?????

I just feel like I'm in a lose lose situation no mtter what I do. If I go he'll be mad I went. If I dont go I'll be upset and hurt that he didnt understnd that this was something I needed to do.

We are only about 3 1/2 months from d-day and I just want to do what is best for my marriage. Do I just need to put my feelings aside, not be upset no matter what and do anything and everything to show him how much I really do love him.

He keeps saying that we just arent good together and we should just end it now since it will never work. I know I've made a huge mistke and I feel like I'll never be able to make up for it. I know it was the worst thing I could have ever done, but it is something I did, not who I am and I feel like all he'll ever see when he looks at me is a cheater. No matter how much I change and prove to him that that is not who I am or what I want to be I will forever be judged for the biggest mistake in my life. No amount of goodness or rightness will ever outweigh the terrible selfish thing that I did.

I know this is a sensitive subject, but any opinions or suggestions, especially for BH's or BS's would be very much appreciated.

Kewl:

One thing.

Communication.

Second Thing:

Communication.

Third Thing:

Communication.

OK? Both of you. Your Husband has to learn better and so do you.

Your Husband had the info about your Friend, and didn't tell you. Asked you to agree to something without all the facts.

Then you get all the facts, tragic as they may be.

And then you feel bound to that agreement and your H wants to hold it over your head.

Had your H simply said to you "Kewl, your friend "Jane" called and is in the hospital, why don't you find out whats going on?" and then asked what you afternoon plans might be, you might have been able to have a adult conversation. Not 8th grade "I got YOU!" conversation.

Can you POJA the funeral? Sure. Will your H bring honesty to that conversation and/or discussion? Probably not. Talk to your employer. Ask them. Make sure you KNOW what time the funeral/services are. Maybe you can't go to every part of it, but at least know what you MOST need to do. Then run it by your employers. YOU can have that discussion with them, they might say that THEY CAN"T afford to have you away this week. Then your answer is there. The rest is just smoke.

But you two need to learn how to communicate.

Your H, too. Life ain't EASY. But when you talk PAST each other all the time, and withhold crucial info from the other, then communication ain't happening.

LG

It's really simple ... what's more important ... your friend or your M???


Your words are saying one thing, but your actions are saying another.


Given the circumstances ... he's right.

Remember, its not "all about you" anymore ... you've had your turn. Why not COMMIT to some ACTIONS (rather than your empty words) that actually make your H feel better about your M? Why not put HIM 1st for once?

OKM, I am afraid for your recovery together, that you two aren't doing the whole MB recovery, just bits and pieces, and it's hampering your progress together. I urge you to call the Harleys and get expert recovery advice.

OKM, I understand that you went off of the traditional SAA Recovery under guidance originally, because there is this alternate plan, replacing POJA with sacrifice, because it helped other folks in your situation. But there must be some time period with that, not just the rest of your life with no POJA, no room for your voice. Where you are LBed over and over. I don't know how someone could live like that for long, with no internal time limit.

I feel sorry for your kids, and I hope you find some balance before they get this stuck, that only some people are allowed to even advocate for their happiness.