Seriously? You don't want to hurt the OM's feelings? This OM is knowingly participating in the destruction of your marriage. You need to stand up for your marriage and if it means confronting OM then do it! Who cares about his "feelings"? LOL

Your wife will NOT respect you for listening to her BS. I'll say that again, YOUR WIFE WILL NOT RESPECT YOU FOR LISTENING TO HER BS. You think you're holding back to make her happy when in effect you're just firming up her decisions. Most women ADMIRE a man who will fight for them. By NOT confronting, you're more or less handing her over on a silver platter to OM.

She doesn't want to hurt OM's feelings?

Has she even considered what she has done to YOU?

I hear a fog horn...

Ask her if she'd prefer you speak to him in person...

Never mind, that was just a wise crack.

Seriously, do you care what OM's feelings will be as a result?

Mark

I totally agree with MyRev.

Truthfully, the only reason she doesn't want you to contact him is because she wants ice cream WITH that cake she's consuming.

GH13,

I don't know why but this statement really has me grinding my teeth
First it is NOT worse for him, he is a man having an affair with a married woman. If anyone should have "thick skin" and probably does, it is a man that chases after a married woman.

As for your "thick skin", I think it is a huge insult. You have agreed to consider continuing this marriage at great cost and pain to yourself. If you were "thick skinned" you have looked at her and tossed her on to the garbage heap of adultery.

She is negating what what she has done to you, by rewriting things so that YOU ARE NOT HURT BECAUSE...you have "thick skin."

Call OM and tell him how the cow ate the cabbage. No need to curse or swear, but firm and clear is definitely called for. Make the call I have a suspicion as do many others posting to you that you will learn something.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If you are going to go through all of this trouble, it behoves you to change your ways as an H.

GH13,

I just read a quote that you really need to read...


"Love is much like a wild rose. Beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense"
-Mark Overby



This is now my new sig.

Hi guys,

Thank you so much for your input. I guess my problem is twofold.

Not only did I fail to meet some of my W's most important emotional needs (gifts is her Love Language), but I subjected her to some savage Love Busters for years. Things like getting angry with her in public and grabbing her, many many angry outbursts, continuous complaining and putting dampers on special occasions, criticism, hurling insults at her, verbal abuse and above all selfish and neglectful behaviour. That's the worst thing that she's scared of me repeating.

After she left I was devastated beyond measure and made the terrible mistake of 2 revenge ONSs. One of the women I could easily have started an A with but when WW came back in April crying "reconciliation" I confessed and asked her to delete this woman's number from my cellphone. I was wrong but my WW has lambasted me for it a few times, even having the nerve to say "OM wasn't happy that you had moved on so quickly..." Unbelieveable.

I was an extreme alpha-male jerk to a fault.

Honestly I am shocked at how I behaved having read and re-read virtually all of the MB articles on this site.

I made a commitment 6 months ago to purge these LBs from my life, irrespective of what happens to my M and I am proud to say I have done so.

I had to coax her back by doing a stellar Plan A - she ran off again in April and almost went again 11 days after being back in Australia. She bought a ticket, checked her bags onto the plane - everything. Naturally, I am concerned about this scenario happening again, hence the reluctance to hastily make the call. W has said that OM thought he was dating a single woman - it looks like OM has been stuffed around and deceived endlessly by WW also - I know this because I have read some of the emails they've exchanged. WW said in one of them to him that this vacillation and chaos "keeps life interesting". Odd.

She is in the fog that an A creates and until a few weeks ago was bringing up all of my past indiscretions - some from years ago. I am going to speak to the Harleys and get a plan in place.

I love my wife dearly and to be honest, deserved a separation and even her running off with another person given the awful way I treated her. But it's the lies, deceit, hypocrisy and underhandedness which is hardest to deal with. Her syaing things like "we're destined to be together", "I always find my way back to you GH31" all the while carrying on with someone else. Just venting here guys - so glad that you're here to give me some input.

GH,

I am a BH, and saying this hurts me just as much as it's going to hurt you...

WAKE THE F@CK UP!!!!!!

Pick up the phone, and call this POSOM and tell him that your wife is YOUR WIFE, and to bug the f@ck out....or else!!!!!

He knows that your wife is either...

a) In a relationship.

b) Married


How could he not?


Take charge, man...or you're going to regret it.

Hi Introvert,
yes this piece of scum knows that W is married. He has been bugging W from the beginning to get a divorce from me even. I want to call him - in fact I want to throw him into a vat of hydrochloric acid but I am asking myself what the result would be. What would the end result be if I call him? Would it make my situation better or worse?

W knows I have his number and the only reason she "promised" not to Skype him anymore and have full access to her account is she's worried about me calling him.

W said she "left him twice" because he thinks of himself as an average guy, isn't very ambitious, and thinks other people are above him. Fits your profile of an OM.

I am going to speak to the Harleys in the next few days and get a keylogger put on our computer. If they advise me to call this worm then I will do it.

What is Skype?

Skype is a program/product which enables you to have videoconferences, and to call internationally for free.

I feel like sawing this worm's head off with a breadknife. I'm ashamed to have these thoughts but I am told they are natural and normal. I'd much rather vent them here than act on them.

W has asked me to "have compassion" for OM but I told her he has enough people to be compassionate for him and doesn't need any more.

Such is the nature of this poisonous delusional fog. I think the Fog is probably the worst part of someone having an A. My W used to be a wonderful, loving, family-oriented girl. Look at her now.

Very natural. I still wonder how I could get away with it. However, I won't get away with it in the next life, so I withhold.

"It ain't over 'till it's over"

It's still going on or she ended it and has no more contact.

It's like being married - you're married or you aren't. You're pregnant or you aren't. You're still involved in the affair or you aren't.

Most all romances go through an initial "honeymoon phase", also known as infatuation. During this time, the new lovers feel "in love" and are inebriated with a flood of hormones and neurotransmitters in their brains, which give them a sense of euphoria. But, the honeymoon phase doesn't last. Eventually, usually about 6 months, those hormones subside naturally, and the lovers return to their normal selves. At that point, they may see what hurt they've caused, how wrong they've been, and that they basically love their spouse, and want to work on whatever was lacking in the M prior to the A. The A dies a natural death.

But that doesn't necessarily have to happen. Sometimes, the WS still feels the marriage is crap, not salvagable, and is still attracted to OP, even after the honeymoon phase. In those circumstances, the A continues, usually leading to divorce.

That is the point of Plan A, and of continuing it for at least 6 months. You want to set the foundation for when WS does come out of the honeymoon phase, or "the fog", that WS will see that the marriage is salvagable, if not desirable.

Hmmm, you make an interesting point. My W is still saying some pretty deranged things but not as deranged and not as frequently as previously. She still attacks my "monstrous" character from time to time and takes the odd verbal potshot. However, I am still very concerned about this fence-sitting and cake eating, and my expectations are very low.

We have been having frequent SF - at least 4 times per week but she doesn't like doing things like holding my hand or kissing me on the lips goodbye/goodnight etc. Sometimes I feel like I am just scratching an itch for her even though sometimes I initiate it and sometimes she does.

I very much appreciate your input. After this six month "infatuation" period subsides, is the withdrawal easier for the WS? Anyone with experience in this?

best,
GH31

If he is so sensitive he wouldn't have slept with another man's wife while "wearing his heart on his sleeve"

I was OM and nothing I did was sensitive, I may have "acted" that way for the WW because I might have thought that was what she wanted.

It wasn't until I met BH and sat down and talked that I really fully understood how much of a low life I was during that time.

Oh and btw, we did the same thing where we "stopped the affair" and just kept seeing each other as "friends"...that didn't last too long even though we acted like it did.

She shouldnt see or talk to that guy in any fashion whatsoever in order for your marriage to mend.