Thanks, TBP. I have not started to prepare for Plan B - although I guess I should be.

OW - as far as I know - still lives in MA - we're in NJ - so I'd love for her to try to meet all of WH's ENs!! You're right...I should let her...

Hey Spins,

You talk about moving on with your life and men that are interested in you in the same breath.

You don't need any mess in your life. Take care of YOU and heal. Work on you, get some hobbies, take classes, etc. You need to move on by yourself. Don't think about these other men.

I haven't read your whole story but I will. I just wanted to pipe in because that is the way I understood what you wrote.

Hmmm...ok, I can completely understand your point. I have been working on myself with the help of this site, therapy (both from a professional and family/friends), and soul searching. I certainly don't need any mess in my life! I, for once, am learning to focus on me and what I want! I wouldn't be jumping into any sort of relationship. But I would like to go out and have fun with old and new friends and get to know some new friends a little better.

WH asked me for a divorce 2 months ago (seems like an eternity), but he had checked out of the marriage before then so I guess I feel like I've been lonely long enough. Why shouldn't I think about these other men? (I'm looking for an honest answer here and am not trying to brush off your comment because I do respect it!) Thanks

Hi Spins,

Well, I know that on MB you are encouraged to wait 2 years before dating. Is it after divorce, though? I can't remember. But I believe Dr. Harley recommends this. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.

That being said, I guess it's really up to the individual. I know there are some here who did not wait.

The bad thing is, though, if you still have some hope for recovering and you get involved with someone else it just makes everything that more complicated. Plus, if you are seeing someone you end up hurting them and yourself if you decide to make a go of it with your WS.

I understand about being lonely, though. For me, I have kept really busy so that's not bothering me at all. I think that dancing helps, though, because my teacher is very affectionate and he likes to give kisses and hugs, (on the cheek, though, not the lips!!)

Plus dancing does offer human contact. I just happened to be fortunate that my teacher is not one of those dancing 'ho's who likes to sleep with everybody. And I was a LOT more comfortable after we got all that sex stuff out in the open.

Anyway, that helps me even though I wasn't thinking about that sort of thing when I started dancing.

Because FSO-Mr. Gray and I were always very affectionate, lots of kisses and hugs everyday, holding hands, sitting on laps, etc. That is what I missed the most after he started his A. All of that stuff dried up, except for the "obligatory" peck on the mouth once-in-a-while.

Well, let me know if I answered your question!! I tend to go off on tangents sometimes.

Oh, I just wanted to add...I don't see anything wrong with making friends and rekindling old friendships. As far as thinking about these interested men?

Well, I'm not sure exactly what you mean by that!! LOL!! It does help the old ego that men are interested but for me that's as far as it goes. I'm not interested in dating or any relationships right now but I gotta admit that I learned how to turn those kinds of feelings off during our marriage. Well, I'm talking more about the sex with that statement. I don't know if that's what you meant by thinking about them, so just let me know.

Have I embarassed myself enough yet? LOL!

Charlotte

Charlotte, thank you for sharing your experience. What I guess I meant by "thinking" about these men was basically moving on with my life - not meaning sexually, but rather getting to know people and even thinking of myself as a single person again. WH is out of the house living the bachelor life probably with OW visiting on weekends. It's a confusing period right now because I want to move on with my life but at the same time I don't want to throw away the 11 years I invested in my realtionship with WH.

I believe all things in life happen for reasons. Maybe this is for me to grow and learn more about myself (I already learned that I have great strength)...maybe WH and I just grew apart and are going in different directions...maybe it happened to show me that I shouldn't give up my wants and desires (i.e., wanting to have children) because WH may never be ready...sometimes it would just be easier to have a crystal ball...

Lol, and I don't think you embarrassed yourself at all! Thank you for your comments

Hi Spins,

I was just reading your thread and wanted to say how sorry I was that your DH put you through so much. I think you are doing a great job of holding your head high and recovering from his affair. It's wonderful that you've made some new friends and reconnected with some old ones. All of the things you've learned in MB will be a huge asset to a new relationship when you find yourself ready. At this point, you know what you want out of life and it will serve you well. You've mentioned that you want children and your WH may never be ready. At some point, that may have made you resent him or even hate him. Plus, I'm sure there's many other things that you have been sacrificing for him. I agree, everything happens for a reason. You will find that reason.

-Luna

You're welcome!

And yeah, I hear ya' on that. I have WAY more friends now than when I was with Gray!! Who'da thunk it? LOL!

I haven't gotten to the thinking of myself as a single person again. I know I will miss that "status" that Mrs. brings. Or seems to!! LOL!!

Yeah, the children part...I can relate there, too. I have set a limit on that. I will give myself until 50 to have a child, otherwise I will adopt!!

Of course that would be if I had someone to share a child with and I don't see that happening anytime sooner or later, really. So I will probably end up adopting. Although...hmmmm....well, there ARE sperm banks!! LOL!!

Charlotte

Thank you Luna for your kindness and support. Now that all of this happened, friends have come to me and said that we seemed to have a good relationship and everything but it always seemed as though I would give more of myself to him without getting anything in return and recently it appeared that we were heading in different directions in life.

It seems as if my calendar fills up a lot quicker now! Either it's because of the summer or my friends are trying to make sure I'm ok or maybe they just didn't like WH! lol After 11 years, the idea of being single and starting all over is daunting...

Ok, Charlotte...you may have embarrased yourself now with the "sperm bank" lol I'm kidding, of course! If you want a child and can handle being a single mom then who needs a man! Adoption and sperm banks are excellent options.

Spins,
I have a question for you. Do you wish your friends would have told you that before or are you glad they waited til now? I often wonder what the protocol is. I watched my sister become a stranger when she was with her husband. All of a sudden she liked stuff she never did before and hated everything he did. It was a very odd transition, but one I never felt necessary to address. Now, she will say "hey, why didn't you say anything?" So, do you wish they did?

That's a good question. I'd like to know what others think on it as well because I can see both sides.

For me, it wouldn't have mattered if they told me. I was able to look past his faults and say this is who I want to spend my life with. Had they told me and if I listened to them, I would have always wondered "what if". Some friends and family may have hinted at their issues with our 11 year relationship, but this was my boyfriend/fiance/husband and I loved him and was happy to be with him...faults and all!

Even as I sit here, after being served with my divorce complaint last night, and having gone through all I did in the past few months, I would still do it all over again. I learned from it...and am still learning from it. No things in life - especially relationships - are ever going to be perfect, but STBX and I had a good run...and we had fun while it lasted!

Now, if there was something destructive happening THEN I would have expected family and friends to approach me.