The best medicine for all of this turmoil, is hearing my son laugh and see the joy in his face when we 'hang'. We were in the pool for, hmmm, maybe 40 minutes, but it was all laughs. HE was so good the remainder of the evening, just at ease. Considering he just got back from his weekend with dad, that was stellar behavior. He's usually a bit more sullen or angry for a bit.

Anyway, I don't allow myself to shove everything else off of the plate, I've just learned how to juggle (metphorically--in reality I'm a comlete juggling idiot). It's like how I pay my bills now. I shift this and that, pay this now, save enough to cover that and hunker down until my next pay. I wasnt' sure when the Zombie was going to get divorce proceedings going, and I got to the point where it was unimportant to me when he did anything, I was going to work it on my end.

That's how it ALL is now. I will do what I need to SOLELY for me and DS. I still have some mourning to do, for the IDEAL that I had in my head, but I don't allow that emotional bit to interfere with the business at hand. If I have to move, I'd like to do it next summer. What stinks is that I may have to live in an apartment. I did that all of my life up until I moved in with the Zombie; I'd hoped that was over.

Meh, it's gonna be tough with the dogs. YET ANOTHER CHANGE. I choose not to drop them as my responsibility. I choose to get a divorce. I choose to take care of business. That doesn't mean I have to like it

NOT ONE BIT.....

I missed it, SL. When's the visit with the doc?

We know the things we can do to bring ourselves out of the funk, but they're not always the easiest things to do, especially when we're in the funk. And you're treading in a high-funk zone.

I wish that it weren't this way. What wouldn't I give to have a magic shovel that would bring waywards out of their fog once smote with it. Or could at least make them vanish so that we could get on with our lives.

Sigh.

(((SL)))

Going tomorrow afternoon, Guy.

I have noticed my anxiety level is up, mostly brought on by ANGER. I'm tired of grieving. I just wanna skip right to indifference. I know, I know...I can't, but I wanna (as I stomp my feet in defiance of the rules of nature)

Hi Silent,
This is off topic, but I thought you might like a book called,
"The Good Son", by Michael Gurian. He's written a parenting plan specific to boys that I've found very helpful in understanding my own. It sounds like the two of you have a great mother/son relationship!
PF

Pulp,

SWEET! Thanks for the book title. I had taken a hiatus from reading self-help books, but I think it's time to dose up.

I appreciate your kind words regarding my relationship with my son. I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark some days. I just wanna raise a good man.

Ha! Nice idea. Good luck with that. I just gave up TRYING.

I hope.

Lordy Girl!


No wonder you are exhausted!! I'm tired just reading it all.

You are doing great with DS, too. Glad you had some fun time when he came home. It really does lift the spirits hearing those giggles!!

As for the Zombie and the anger. I'm afraid Chris is probably right in that you've hit a re-set button on that. I have to say, though, for ME, I prefer the anger to some of the other feelings.

Remember, this too shall pass.

Hoping your dr appt goes well tomorrow and you get to feeling better!

On the upside, I got another invitation to hang out with a girlfriend of mine this weekend. DS LOOOOOOVES these peops and so do I. They brew their own beer and have invited me to a kegging party (it will be a bottling party for her brother, who doesn't own a kegging system--boo hoo ). Funny thing, I met this lovely lady right when the Zombie was having his first affair. She's never known me in any other situation except this mess.

The Zombie used to brew all of the time, and bought his own kegging system, even building his own kegerator (it's a mini fridge that he drilled holes in and attached a dual tap head. pretty kewl stuff).

as for all the work around the house, I have to do all the yard work at least once a month, and it does exhaust me. It's either that or have my house looking like someone abandoned it TOO. AS is stands, I let the weeds grow to the point of bugging the crap out of me.

and I agree that the ole reset button has been hit. Stoopid Zombie. I just become angry when I think about all the work I did, when he was probably plotting how to leave again. He knew I wouldn't continue on like that, so I believe he waited for me to cut him loose again. How cowardly can you be? I hope his new woman knows that if a ship were sinking, he might use her as a flotation device.

Don't.

You did what you did for the sake of your son and for PWC (before he revealed himself to be the Zombie). You can't know exactly what was going on in his head at the time, so don't beat yourself up over it. And don't try to figure out what was going on. Waste of effort.

You're allowed to be plenty angry at him, though. I bet there's still lots of it there, percolating.

Sign me up for the "you're an [censored]" chain-letter.

Hi SL,


I have adopted a similar approach, too....and it's not limited to the weeds

Sounds like you're in much better spirits... but do continue to work at making better use of your brain cells other than on thoughts about PWC

Interesting conversation with DS last night. We talked about his dad coming to move his stuff out. This lead DS to ask if we were moving, too. Hmmmm, so I just asked him how he would feel about that, if we moved. He said "Sad". It was a long, drawn out conversation. Suffice it to say, he knows that his dad and I are trying to figure out what to do in our 'breakup' with the house. I thought it an odd thing to talk about, but DS was very curious.

I don't know that he can grasp what this means, and if it's even appropriate to talk to him about moving. HE said this morning, "So, if we don't get daddy his money (I did not state it like that, BTW) then we will be moving? I did tell him we have some time, until next year at the earliest, before we would have to move. He doesn't fully grasp time yet, though. I tried to spin things toward us staying in the house, doing all I can to make that happen, but sometimes these things just don't go the way we WANT them to.

HE seemed fine after we talked. I just don't want him burdened with all of this info. He just kept asking questions that were pretty straight forward, like he was fact finding. It was really strange. I just kept reaffirming that no matter where we live, we will be okay.

Very strange. I wonder where all that came from?

Right after I mentioned we may have to move, he asked, "So then you can get a new husband?" . Stranger even still. I told him that I wasn't looking for a new husband, that my focus is on our stability right now, and our family. I answered honestly and told him that I may remarry someday, but it's, most likely, a long ways off.

Then he asked if we can get a kitten. He was just full of questions and requests.

He's just looking to you to deal with the uncertainty of it all.

I mean.. you look out in front of you, and you've said it yourself a few times already that it's kind of scary to see the landscape for what it is.. imagine approaching that landscape without the years of 'life' experience that you have under your belt.


At least he's turning to you for these answers.. and I think you're handling your responses to them very well.

After the MAJOR TWO as I call it, concerns a child has.. (Do you love me, and can I trust you?)... the herarchy seems to begin and end with the stability issues.. what are my boundaries/rules, what's changing... it's not so much a matter of 'why' at this age.. though that question might come frequently enough... and I'm sure it's going to be a tough one for you to answer when it does.. how do you explain this kind of thing to a child and at the same time encourage a good relationship with his dad?... ugh.. stupid waywards..

But getting back on point, it's the stability issues he's worried about now.. he KNOWS you love him and that he can trust you... but kids have a knack of knowing when their mom or dad is worried about something.. maybe he's just digging to find out why.. and is starting with the stuff that's important to him..

Am I going to get to live in the house I'm used to/feel safe in?

Are you going to be bringing someone else into my life? (could be a number of reasons he's asking this.. could be fear that you might be going down the same road his father did before.. or concern that he thinks you may need someone in your life.. hard to say which is which without knowing your boy)..

James, thanks for the input.

About the 'new husband' thing. He's asked about this a number of times. He's asked about having a sibling. I told him that it would take me remarrying and being with someone who also wanted a child. He then asked me "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?" I giggled a little and told him it may be a long way off or may not ever happen again, and that he may never have a sibling. He asked this not long after he told me of his outting with his dad and 'some girl' on July 4th.

That leads me to believe that he may view that as NORMAL (dating so soon, moving on, starting over, whatever you wanna call it). I work on relaying what marriage means and what promises mean, and how daddy has broken his promise and how what he is doing is wrong, but I don't want to dwell on that. How do you tell your kid his DAD is wrong and then expect him to respect his dad? I guess you just don't expect him to respect his dad. I tell him that mommy has respected her vow to remain faithful to his daddy, and I will not move on until such a time that we are divorced (and then what divorce means). It's not something he fully grasps right now.

I really do want DS to feel safe. I wonder if he only remembers all of this turmoil, since it started when he was 3. He may not know anything else right now. His earliest memories may be daddy not living with us, so it may seem normal to him that daddy not live with us. I dunno.

SL,

You are doing great at handling the situation with DS and the way you are answering 'his' questions...

Kids KNOW they don't know everything (even when they act as if they do...wait until adolescence! ) ...

...and I find ALL they want to know is... in their efforts to learn about themselves, explore the world around them, and gain enough confidence in themselves to be able to fly on their own someday, that in the process sometimes...they will need to FALL!...so their biggest concern, in order to have the audacity to fall down, becomes: will there be someone to count on to CATCH them and help them get back on their feet, if they do!

...so...in a nutshell.... as a parent, I see myself as a 'safety net'...uhmm.... looks like in a previous life I may have been part of a circus!

New husband . . . new kitten . . . there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm too busy at work to flesh it out.

I went with the kitten. The kids love her even though she is my cat.

ETA: I think it's probably good that DS is already thinking about you being with someone else. I have no idea what my kids think about that. I'm not worried about it--when the time is right I'll explain it to them, and the time isn't right yet. It's just nice that DS has already broken the ice for you.

It probably involves which one can be trained to keep it in their litter box better.

Well, if history is any testament, the kitten wins.

Had the doc visit. Things went very well. I updated her on the drama (she's been my primary doc thru all of this, knows the whole sitch--bleh). We talked and decided that I would go back on the Lexapro for a while. She believes my anxiety is mostly situational, and thinks staying on the meds until such a time as all the dust settles post divorce is in my best interest. I agree. Still feels a little like going backwards, but I'll do whatever I need to move forwards.

We talked about my progress post surgery. She tested my reflexes and it seems I still have quite a bit of hyperflexion on my left side (from the nerve damage), so she wants me to do PT. Maybe 6-8 weeks. To me, it's just one more thing to do in a day of lots to do. We'll see how that goes over at work (rolley eye)

I'm feeling a bit of anxiety just over talking to her about all this gobbledygook, so I'm a little tired. Luckily for me, DS is a great self-entertainer, so I can coast the rest of the evening, until the gameshow "Wipeout" comes on. That's when we have popcorn and laugh our heads off at the silly people. We also enjoy watching 'Ninja Warrior'-- a more serious competition in feats of strength. I'm such a goob.

So, that's that.

Oh, I've worked the numbers on the house, and no matter what the appraisal says, I don't think I can swing it, so it looks like I'll be moving sometime in the next year, which I'm going to try to look at as positive, because it no feel so positive right now.

Here we go again, SL...

What the heck is a GOOB????

Hahahahahahahaha! Mimi, you sure are a funny lady.

A GOOB is shorthand for GOOBER, or geek, or dork.

It's comforting to know you are still lurking on my thread.