Hi. I need help. I discovered this site much like the rest of you all...I was desperate. First, the marriage had lasted for almost 8 years, and there are no children.

This is a long story, so I'll try to make it simple. My wife and I seemed to have a good relationship (I thought, anyway). She did bring up some emotional needs in the past that she wanted met, and like a dufus, I didn't work hard enough at it. We basically had a long distance relationship for the first part of our marriage while we both finished professional school. Mutual decision...probably really bad decision.

So, about 1 year ago, my wife expressed some anger toward me. Basically, she wanted me to be more affectionate, take control of various things around the house ("be a man"), and make my business more successful. I didn't do much to appease her as far as going the extra mile.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I was very ill for several months. During this time, and a little before, I notice that she is doing a lot of texting. I was afraid to bring it up to her. Finally, last week, I did...after snooping and finding a message on the phone (she normally deletes them immediately). She informed me that had been having a flirtatious relationship with her co-worker. Mind you, this isn't just her co-worker, but they own the business together. BTW...when this all started going down, their business took over the cell phone payments and bought new phones. Which was suspicious.

So, we basically get this all out on the table, and I tell her that I want to work it out and am willing to do anything and make any changes I need to make. So we had a good week, hanging out and having fun. She told the co-worker to back off and he seemed to as far as the texting, and she said he wasn't coming into the office much. But, over the weekend, things just went hay wire. She blew a couple of things waaay out of proportion (one was a late bill payment that I corrected asap), and...well, she left. She packed her stuff and went to her parents. I begged her (literally) to stay. This was last night. She wouldn't talk to me today, except to tell me that she wasn't coming home yet...doesn't know if she will...etc. I asked her about marriage counseling and she said she didn't want to do it. So, I just asked for her to at least let me know where she is periodically so that I won't worry. She did text me and tell me she was staying with her parents.

So...I don't know what to do. There is so much to this story, that I imagine it will take questions from you guys to bring more details out. But, the gist is that I emotionally neglected her...she turned to someone else for that attention (although nothing physical)...I want to work it out and am willing to change everything....I don't know if she will want to. I feel like she is laying the ground work to leaving, telling her parents how horrible I am to her. I admit my periodic neglect, but I haven't been a terrible person to her. I love her and always have.

She said she needs space, so this was my plan...leave her alone for a day, then tell her that I understand that she wants some time, and whenever she is ready to work on our relationship, I'll be here. Somehow get her to go to counseling. BTW...how can you get someone to go to counseling if they don't want to?

I'll fight to the bitter end for my marriage. I love this woman. Please help!

P.S.: How do I work on the relationship if the spouse isn't willing to even see me right now?

P.S.S.: Addendum for today...she called and asked if I would get a few things and stay at my parents b/c she wanted to stay at our house for a few days. Was tired of staying with parents. At first I wimped out and said okay. Then, I contacted her back and said that I cannot leave the house. I said I would be there to talk and work on a plan when she wanted to work things out. In the meantime, I couldn't leave the home. She left, not me.

I don't know if she is trying to just get her stuff out and leave or what. I don't know why she would do it secretively if she was leaving.

I don't know enough about your story, and won't speculate if your W is having an affair or not, but I have taken the liberty of hilighting some of the things in your post that are exactly the same as how my situation started.

WW went on to have a EA/PA for 4 months...just so you know.
Others will be here to help you out.

Sorry you find yourself here.

So sorry for the pain you are going through, But you came to the right place for support!

a couple of things:

Read, read, read the articles on this web site. Understand that your W is in a full blown A, and the articles here will help you understand some of the strange things she will say and do right now - for instance, blowing things way out of proportion? typical. She is desperately searching for ways to excuse what she is doing

Also - as you learn more about the dynamics of an A - don;t try to teach her. She doesn't want to learn right now. If you try to tell her that her behavior is typical of a woman in an A, she will scream at you that she is differnt! and that is just more proof that you really don't know her at all!!

Get the book - Surviving an Affair. Get it NOW and read the whole thing.

Understand that you can get through this, your M can survive, but it will take time.

good for you staying in the house. You are exactly right about that. She wants out - she wants "time to think" then she needs to find a place to stay. Tell her you love her, you are sorry that you did not take care of her needs better, you would like to build a better M with her, but you are not moving out.

there is more - I am sure others will be here soon

Welcome to MB,

WOF is so right, you have come to the best place possible for this kind of situation.

Everything else she has said too, get the books, and READ.

Ask lots of questions.

You will be amazed by how you can save your M if you are willing to work hard and listen to those who have come before us.

Ok, first of all good job NOT MOVING out.

She wants to leave, let her leave.

Next, the A was not your fault. You can take the credit for 50% of the condition of your M BEFORE the A. But, she get's 100% of the blame for the A.

Next, you need to expose to everyone who can help put pressure on them to end the Affair.

Is OM married? Find his parent's phone numbers, friend's phone numbers, ect...

Call WW's parents and tell them the truth. That there was nothing seriously wrong w/ your M until OM entered the pic. Call her friends, pastor, co-workers ect...

You'll want to expose all at once. On the same day.

Here is Plan A:

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you need to be here. But, you will get tons of support and advice.

Oh, and DO NOT let your WW find this thread.

vw,

Glad you made it over here. These folks can help IF you will take their advice and take ACTION.

Most BH (Betrayed Husband's) want to NOT believe the obvious.

Now is the time to have the STRENGTH to find out ALL of the truth ... start some serious snooping. These folks can help with the specifics about keyloggers on the computers, GPS in her car, voice activated recorders, or you could simply hire a Private Investigator to get the info.

You have now joined a club that NONE of us ever wanted to join, but by the ACTIONS you take in the next FEW days, you will go a long ways towards taking back some measure of control over your life, while preserving your dignity and self-respect.

Be strong ... you and your M (Marriage) are under attack ... do you have the "Right Stuff" to fight for them???

Update:
She came home and stayed at our house last night after being gone for 2 nights. She spent the rest of the night fussing at me. I have apologized for any neglect and told her again last night. She seems so cold, like she hates me. I want to work on our marriage, but how can I if she barely talks to me? One thing that is a BIG sticking point is that she wants us to buy a house and have kids, and I want that too. But, right now I'm not earning enough on my own to do that, although my goal is to within the next several months. What I have found out since reading through this forum is that what I perceive to be the biggest issues are intimacy/affection and me living up to my domestic duties. I am so ready and willing to do whatever I can to reconcile the marriage, but how do I do that when she doesn't seem to be ready to? Does it just take more time? (This has been on the table for just about 2 weeks).

I asked about OM, and she said he backed off..they just work at work etc. I really have never had a time where I've thought that they could have had an affair. And, about a month ago, OM's ex-wife called me and asked if I thought something was going on. She talked to an ex-employee (who has a serious vendetta against my wife) and even the ex-employee said she never thought anything physical was going on.

My wife admitted to an emotional A. I can handle that. But is it possible for her to work with this guy and our marriage be okay? There's no way she'd ever leave the business that she worked so hard to build. MOF, when her business partner was going through D, my wife told him that he needed to leave the job and fix his marriage. That was just months ago.

So...I don't know what to do. I want to work on our marriage, but what do I do when she won't accept my advances?

Hi vwbad67,

I'm sorry you find yourself here but you are in the right place!!

Good for you for staying in your home. Stick to your guns when she pressures you about it. She chose this path, not you. If she's tired of staying at her parents' home...well, that's just too dang bad, ain't it?

Keep posting, you will get wonderful help here!!

Take care,

vw,

WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION!!!

Your WW (wayward wife) is having an A (Affair) and she can't continue to work with the OM (other man) PERIOD!!!

It MAY just be an EA (although few of us believe that), but regardless, they CAN'T work together or it will definately turn PHYSICAL.

Look, the OMW already suspects ... WHY DON'T YOU???

If you don't do the sufficient snooping to find out for sure, then you are enabling it to continue.

Learn from those who have travelled this road before ... the names change, but the patterns remain the SAME.

Well, my wife would take a 90 minute lunch instead of 60, and spend 30 minutes having sex with OM. Then she'd go back to work like nothing happened.

Sometimes, she'd simply drop by his office after work, have sex for 15-20 minutes, and then head home.

Since they own the business, they could easily do it in a locked office, in a storage closet, on a conference room table, in a restroom, on the floor, you name it.

I understand jumping through all sorts of mental hoops to convince yourself that she's not having sex with OM. It's only natural, and I've been there myself.

Unfortunately, her admission to an EA, combined with her attitude towards you, is almost as reliable as a videotape of them having sex. It's happening.

I'm sorry, it's terrible. Listen to these good people.

First, sorry you're here but you can't imagine how fortunate you are that you stumbled on MB.

I see BIG RED FLAGS waving here.

Flag 1: She said he backed off. (WS lie, lie, lie.)
Flag 2: OM's ex-wife called suspicious.
Flag 3: Wife admitted to EA. (WS lie, lie, lie.)
Flag 4: Wife told OM he needed to fix his marriage. (This is probably how the EA started.)

Your wife is having an affair... STILL. Maybe EA (but highly doubtful because of the way she is acting and eager to separate.) I would bet serious money it's a PA now.

Start exposing! Follow the advice you've been given to a T.

VW,

""She came home and stayed at our house last night after being gone for 2 nights.""

OK, the first thing you need to do, to start this snooping process and get into the swing of it, is TO CALL HER PARENTS AND ASK THEM IF SHE SPENT BOTH NIGHTS UP WITH THEM WATCHING TELEVISION!!! ...Or playing cards or a board game.

Are you positive she stayed at her parents? Did you check and verify that was where she was?

Get a GPS and stick it on her car somewhere. You will be able to tell where she went.

So the OM has split with his wife? If so that is wwaaayyyy too convenient donchya think??

""she said he backed off..they just work at work etc. I really have never had a time where I've thought that they could have had an affair. And, about a month ago, OM's ex-wife called me and asked if I thought something was going on. She talked to an ex-employee (who has a serious vendetta against my wife) and even the ex-employee said she never thought anything physical was going on.""

Do you see how you are convincing us (and yourself) that nothing is going on?? This is so very common that the BS will actually defend his WW a the beginning. She would NEVER do something like that...not the woman I married.

My friend, SHE IS NOT THAT WOMAN THAT YOU MARRIED!! Do you even recognize her anymore?? She is addicted to a fantasy, then she comes home to you and reality and "fusses" at you all night.

Whenever any spouse comes down on the other "out of the blue" and then moves out needing their own space, they need that space for the pure selfish enjoyment of their AFFAIR.

This is the SOP (standard operating procedure) for a wayward spouse. Unfortunately the folks that have been here awhile can see it a mile away. And I'm afraid we see it here, big time.

SUSPECT THE WORST!! Hope for the best, but snoop, and snoop.

I sure hope we all are wrong.

Stay strong and quiz her parents if you can.

kirk

Your WW hasn't moved out of your home b/c you weren't doing your share of housework. Nor did she move out b/c you haven't been more affectionate w/ her.

I know THAT'S what she's telling you.

BUT, SHE IS LYING!!!!!!

She's trying to explain to you why she has left you, why she has w/drawn from you, w/o telling YOU THE TRUTH.

THE TRUTH IS, SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Women don't leave their H b/c they don't hug them enough and don't pick up after themselves.

They just don't.

There's going to be lots of BHs coming here telling you about how you sound just like we did back when we were first learning about things.

We thought things weren't physical either.

Guess what? Most of us were dead wrong.

I HOPE but seriously doubt you're just at an EA state. Odds are very high there has been an PA.

You must do what is hard to do and what no BH here wanted to do, including me. You MUST expose.

This is hard. It is very difficult because she will lose it, call you names, tell you that you were wrong and blowing it out of proportion. She'll also yell at you, tell you that you violated her privacy, that she can't trust you again, etc.

Also, don't forget the WW's classic line, "you had a chance to fix things and now you ruined it."

Here's the reality: It's huffing and puffing and all standard WW behavior we've seen on these forums time and time again.

My ex did it. Other BHs here had their WW's do it. Some FWWs will jump in and tell you about how they did it.

Exposure, however, is your greatest weapon at this time.

Contact OM's W or ex (whatever she is) and get info and compare notes.

Get more intel. Check emails, cell phones, etc.

Do you have a home computer?

Install spyware there and get her passwords to her email, which will probably confirm a physical affair.

I found out about my WW getting physical this way. She had denied, denied, denied until I got the truth by reading her messages to other men.

Don't believe a word she says.

Seriously. You need to hear and understand the advice from men who have been in your shoes. We can provide you the answers you need since we've walked the walk and seen what you are going to see.

The WW behaves universally the same. They are all the same in their behavior and nothing you tell us will surprise us.

We can even predict your behavior. You'll start to implement some of the advice we give you, she will freak out, then you will come back to the forum and tell us how you screwed up, it's really over, etc.

We've seen this before tons of times with other men in your shoes or experienced it ourselves.

She won't leave you for exposing. But she will leave you for OM.

So the affair must end and the first step to ending it is through exposing.

Expect anger. Your marriage can survive her anger. It won't survive an affair.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Odds are extremely high she's already gotten physical with the guy.

Get more solid intel before you expose.

Be quiet for now. Don't expose just yet until you get more solid intel.

Expose once you have confirmation.

Trust us. You're not seeing the truth.

Get the spy program. Get the passwords. Look at the phone records. Hire a PI if you can afford it.

Here's a very important question: You say you have no kids, why do you want to save your marriage? The answer, "I love her" is not enough. Love is not enough.

The work ahead of you is so huge if you try to recover, that love is simply not enough.

How old are you?

How old is she?

What you perceive to be your biggest issue is actually secondary. Your BIGGEST issue is that your WW is involved with another man.

Yes, by all means, work on filling her needs and becoming a better husband, but until they quit working together, you will be spinning your wheels.

BTW, great job on NOT leaving your home. Whatever you do, don't ever move out to give her "space"; you may as well send OM an engraved invitation to come to your home for fun and games.

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Okay, so how do I find out the truth and/or expose things? She barely used our home computer, and she texted with her company cell phone. I don't know how I would get those records.

Af for staying at parents...I talked to her father when she was on her way over and told him she was coming. And my dad saw her going to her parents house.

At this point, I'm really not trying to justify anything. I did talk to the OM's ex wife. She didn't know anything. She called me to see if I suspected anything. Ex employee didn't know anything. So, I have no proof of PA.

Should I talk to her parents and see what she is telling them? I've tried talking to the father over the phone, and it is all about me...how I didn't do this or that.

So...what should I do?

PS: Last night was night 2 of her return. She was much more pleasant to me, although she wasn't very receptive of my affection. We did actually have a pretty good time talking and watching TV together.

What really confuses me is...if she wants to be with another man, or just doesn't want to be with me, why is she still with me?

It's called fence sitting and many of us have experienced it firsthand. I had pleasant dates with my WW as well. She is lowering your guard as she plans her exit.

OR, in her waywards mind, she's thinking that she'll keep things pleasant and friendly with you so that you guys can be friends after she screws you over and you've had time to heal.

You see, in the wayward mind, it never crosses their mind that what they're doing to you is the most painful and terrible thing a spouse can do to another spouse. They have delusions of being friends with you after they cheat on you and the marriage ends.

Not so and not so simple.

So she's fence sitting.

You've already been betrayed and she has admitted to EA. At this point, you need to request no contact with OM.

You didn't answer my other questions. How old are you? How old is she?

Why do you want to stay married when you have no kids?

She will continue to have pleasant evenings with you while still having her Linda Blair moments. It keeps you off balance and confused.

You only need her to use the computer once to get her passwords.

Get the GPS as well.

Talk to OM and tell him to back the heck off or he will have to deal with you.

What state are you in? Find out if there is alienation of affection and threaten to sue him with it if he continues to have an affair with your wife.

Many OM scurry away when a mad H shows up and stands up for his marriage.

We are both 32, no kids. I don't have access to her office computer. Why do I want to stay married? Because I have loved her from the start. I can pick up and move on if that's what she wants, but I would like honesty. I just want to know what to do...if I need to move on or work on the marriage. Threatening to sue won't work b/c W and OM are lawyers.

This is where I am getting confused...I see a lot of posts about standing up for the marriage, but you are saying "why stay if there are no kids involved?" I am not leaving. I will stand up for my marriage. She will have to be the one to leave.

Should I talk to her parents? I talked to her dad, and I guess she told him that I wasn't affectionate, I was distant, etc. I asked him if he knew about OM, and he said that he didn't think there was anything to worry about, that she was using his flirtation to get my attention. I don't trust anything at this point though. She swears EA, and I can only prove EA. I asked about OM and she said she told him to back off and that he has tried to stay away. (BTW, I'm not trying to convince myself of anything, I'm just telling you guys what was said).

I just want to know what to do to get on with my life, with her or without her.

Hide a digital voice activated recorder in the home so you can hear if she calls OM. Hide one in WW's car.

You can buy a cell phone with GPS. Get the minimum minutes, GPS is usually flat fee of a few dollars the you can tell if WW is at work or a motel or where ever she is not supsoed to be.

Only you will have the number. But set the phone on silent incase somehow it gets rung.