I am new here, so may not remember all of the abbreviations, so please bare with me.
Found out that WS was having EA with old flame. They were supposed to get married about 35 yrs ago. He wanted to go to a rally in Florida and I thought something seemed fishy as he wouldn’t look me in the eye when discussing where he was staying, etc.
Anyway that got me to snooping and sure enough I found the emails on them planning this trip. She lives 3000 miles away. Upon further investigation, it seems like this had been going via email and cell phone for over a year.
Upon discovery he was very regretful and of course blamed the marriage. He did claim that they had something very special years ago and he had thought of leaving me and moving out there to be with her. Then he said that this trip was to see if they still had the strong feelings after these many years. He doesn’t know if he loves her or not. This is so hard to write.
I insisted that he cut all ties. He called her and told her NC. I know this to be true because she wrote him back on his other email account and said that she understood, but hopefully he would at least be able to write once in awhile and that maybe after a few months they could be back in touch. I have not seen anything on the cell phone bill, but I have reason to think he has been in touch. She has a myspace site and just last week put his picture up in her albums and titled it “love of my life.” Stupid me, I went ballistic and told him. What a dumb move. The next day it was titled “special friend”. I didn’t say anything this time, but he did notice how depressed I was and said that he was sorry that she did that, but those were her feelings and he couldn’t do anything about that. He of course swears he hasn’t been in touch with her at all. Within a few days after this his picture was completely gone. I think he may have a prepaid cell phone. I really think he called her and that she didn’t do this because of second thoughts. Our recovery has seemed to go well. He and I have been having a lot of fun together and we are able to talk. But he does get unfocused occasionally and I just don’t know what to think.
How can I find out if he has that phone? I am afraid I have just driven him further underground and that I may be fighting a loosing battle.

jcm, you might want to have this moved over to General Questions 11 where there is much more traffic. [click on the "notify" button at the bottom of your first post and ask for the thread to be moved to GQ11]

It is likely your H is still contacting her. Have you searched his car for a hidden phone? Have you placed a keylogger on his computer? I would do as much sleuthing as possible.

Would he send her a no contact letter? This letter is a great step forward in rebuilding trust between you. It should be written together and mailed by you. [email or snail mail] Dr. Harley recommends this in his book Surviving an Affair, which you SHOULD GET ASAP:


I have a feeling he won't be willing to do it, though, because he is still maintaining contact, but it won't hurt to ask.

Also, if this woman has a myspace account then you can email all her "friends" and tell them she is carrying on an adulterous affair with a married man. Ask them to persuade your friend to leave your H alone. You can also post to her under comments and let her know that you know all about her filthy adulterous affair with her affair and ask her to leave him alone. Tell her to go find her own man and leave yours alone.

Do you know how to contact her children? What about your H? Does he have children?

Thank you, I have requested that it be moved.

I will think about the letter thing, but since he swears he's not in contact then I am a little fearful of bringing it up. I will though, but once I figure out how to do it. I guess I am really afraid of the defensive behavior he will put up.

Obviously he is still in contact. Otherwise why would she have changed what it said under his pic? And then delete his pic?

He must have told her you'd seen it.

Take Mel's advice and e-mail her friends.

And to anyone else who will put pressure on the A.

Exposure is to affairs what Raid is to bugs.

"Exposure, it kills affairs dead." ~ Pariah

Wow!! I really am afraid to do the emailing of friends. I am afraid it will just push them together even more. He has a way of defending her and I would be the bad guy in this. I just can't stoop that low and let her think she is winning. Obviously her friends and family already know about it with the picture. I am sure they know that something is up because he isn't around. To be the Love of her Life, why isn't she with him then???? Plus I know her daughter knows my H from way back. She knows he is married. It could have been her that asked her Mom to take it off although unlikely.
Right now I think I need to lay low and find out HOW he is calling her and take things from there. If I can get proof of that then there will be no stopping me from exposing them. I have checked the car, have checked his wallet for calling cards, checked the hanger where we keep our plane, but can't find a darn thing. I check his computer every day and believe me, he is so scatter brained at times, eventually he will screw up. I have all of his passwords. He writes them down because he can't remember a thing.

Time after time the BW is afraid to expose. What can exposure do, cause them to have an afair? Oh, wait, they are having one now.

How can you fool your self that there is NC?

You complain about OW myspace it gets chaged. You complain some more, it gets changed again. How is OW finding out? Super OW powers? Your WH's big mouth?

As melody said: expose to her myspace friends. Also expose to WH's parents. For a start.

jcm, this affair is not over at all, you already know this. This OW is just sitting back biding her time waiting for the heat to die down. If you exposed her vile affair to her friends that would RUIN any future hopes she has for the affair. She is bound to have some friends who dump her for this. It would cause huge conflict in the affair, believe me.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs. See, affairs thrive on secrecy so when they are exposed, the adulterers are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others. It ruins the fantasy when your friend is looking at you with horror and disgust.




She would also be a good exposure target.

I wrote this in word and will send it if it seems like the thing to do. What do you think?

When I found out about your affair with my husband, I told him to pack up and go to you. He said that he didn’t want to and that he was relieved that I found out. He asked me to fight for our marriage and that is exactly what I am doing.Let me tell you something….you have been exposed.. I have no intentions of leaving him. I am a fighter and a survivor and I will fight for all my might to keep the man I Love Dearly. You can bet on it.

May I humbly ask you a question. What is the purpose of this letter to the OW in your mind?
If it is simply to inform her of your intent to fight for your marriage then these words suffice.
The rest to me appear to be just pain and anger which you rightly fully have but I am not sure what you hope to achieve by conveying it to OW. Do you think see will see your pain and anger and have an "awakening" and come beg for your forgiveness ?

Again I am no expert in wether or not you should send her a letter at all, I am simply asking if you know your purpose in wanting to send her a letter at all.

Heck if I know. I am so confused right now I don't know WHAT to do. It happened months ago and I never wanted to write to her, but I am understanding that it may be the thing to do to help with the NC. To let her know that she is fighting a loosing battle.
I really just want to uncover the rest of the truth before doing anything stupid. Usually I do the stupid things and it always comes back to bite me. I am the type of person that wants proof of things and I want proof that he has called her again. I WILL find that cell phone.

First of all NC is not your battle its your WS's. Your role is make sure that your WS understands that you require NC in order for you to move forward with him. Its his job to fight the battle to keep it in place and not give in and continue contact.


The truth you speak of should come from your H not OW. Even if you hear it from her you will still want to hear it from him. So save your energy skip her and go directly to him. Ask all the questions you want and steel yourself to hear the answers. In my case I got TMI and now have to real with the effects to having that info in my head.

jcm,

My husband's affair ended the DAY I did MAJOR, NUCLEAR exposure, and that was after a 10 month false recovery (what you are in right now...you found out about the A, your H swears it is over...but it isn't, and he cake-eating...having you BOTH meet his needs).

If I had done my major exposure the first time I found out, it would have saved us a ton of heartache. Like you, I was afraid of his defensive behavior but I should have been listening to everyone here and see the RED FLAGS.

Exposure is hard but it WORKS. We have been in recovery from his affair for 17 months now and are doing well. Please listen to the advice given here and save yourself a lof wasted time and heartache.

JCM, contacting the OW is unlikely to achieve anything, and few here would recommend that you do so.

See, she already knows you exist, she already knows you know about the affair, she can guess at your distress...and it hasn't stopped her, has it? Given how she's behaved, it's possible that she's getting something of a thrill from the idea of how much her 'allure' is conflicting your marriage. Contacting her in the words you described will just add to her emotional thrill.

Contacting the people around her is more likely to have an effect, although it sounds as if she's pretty much broadcast her emotional attachment to the world, which means that she'll be titillated rather than humiliated to have the A known. However, exposure to her immediate family may have an effect. Is she divorced or still married?

The fact is, though, that SHE doesn't matter. It's your H's behaviour that is your concern. You're not fighting a battle with her for your H - goodness, don't give either of these two idiots that much power - you're fighting a battle for your own security and future, which is threatened by your H rather than the OW.

Your H is almost certainly in love with a fantasy, of himself as a young man and of OW as the beautiful 'lost' love of his memory. What seems clear is that he wants the security of the marriage, but also the comforting fantasy of the OW. It's the fantasy you have to deal with

You need to start deciding what your boundaries are here. Does that mean anything to you, or is it worth explaining further?

TA

OK, please help me to understand what exposure actually does. I just don't see how it helps, but obviously it does. What do the other people do when the affair is exposed to them? Tell Mommy to quit? She is not married. What is to keep them from calling each other even if I do expose it? I mean, if he has a prepaid cell phone and she lives 3000 miles away, who is going to know?
Thanks for all of the advise and I am sure it has worked out for you guys, but didn't you have proof before you exposed? She has already told the world that she is in love with him. So for sure, she has already exposed herself to her family and friends. She sure didn't try to hide it.
TA said:
You need to start deciding what your boundaries are here. Does that mean anything to you, or is it worth explaining further?
I guess it is worth explaining further. I have boundaries of course, but not sure how to put them in place.

It is very unlikely that she told her friends and family that she is having an A w/ a married man, who's W loves him and wants her M.

She is probably telling them he is D or separated and has a W who doesn't love him.

If you were to tell them the TRUTH and ask for their help or advice, that would change the way they saw OW, wouldn't it?

You really think she told her friends and family she is borking a MARRIED MAN who is in an adulterous affair?? REALLY??

Here is why exposure is so effective. Affairees are just like crack heads in that are a) addicted and b) high as a kite and c) doing something very wrong.

Imaging turning on the lights in the crack house and bringing in a crowd of people to watch the crack heads in disgust and horror. See? It is no longer any fun to get high when everyone is looking at you with disgust and revulsion.

It is the same with affairs. When it is exposed, the affairees are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others, which RUINS the fantasy. They start to have doubts and notice that they really dont look pretty and romantic, but putrid and silly. They look like 2 pigs wallering around in the pig pen. [my apologies to pigs]

More than that, exposure will RUIN any future for the affair. The OW will NEVER be able to introduce a married man in an adulterous affair into her circle of friends and family. Her family will be DISGUSTED.

Just remember this, affairs THRIVE ON SECRECY becasue they are dirty secrets. If you help them hide their dirty secret, you are enabling the affair.

Hiya JCM, sorry you're here for the reason you are here but welcome anyway.

Your husband is at an age where he starts to reflect on life, love and the pursuit of happiness. We are all culture influenced in that a ton of people are out there who haven't had exactly the kinda life they thought they would have while they were trying to figure it out. Most of us have a pretty decent life by any standard but Hollywood's.

Upon reflection, we all have a tendency to "Romantize" old flames and think of what might have been. And it is all a bunch of baloney. You can tell your husband I said that. It is baloney because we are projecting, I say again, projecting what MIGHT have happened, with no real world knowledge of what would have actually have happened. The old flame might have gained 800 pounds, smelled bad and any kids might have ended up as serial killers. OR, the old flame might have gone on to be Dolly Partin. Either way, it didn't happen and to speculate is simply an escape from the reality we live in and at worse, a demented retreat to childhood.

Fact is they will have strong feelings for each other, uh, except those feelings will last about long enough to make dang fools out of themselves and then die out to leave them with the burnt ashes of stupid. This is just the way it works and they won't be the exception.

I think it is likely that in the back of his mind, he knows of which I speak.

You will probably get some real good advice on what to do. I am now gonna go read what others have said to see if I can come up with anything other than to point out his illusions in no uncertain language.

Larry