Very long story, fwh had an affair that lasted over 3 years. I was the one that found out, and I was the one that finally put an end to it requiring that I filed for divorce before wh took me seriously, and a phone call to the op telling her that if she didnt stop showing up in my world, I was going to start showing up in hers, informing both of them that I knew where she lived, worked, her phn numbers, her make and model of car including plate numbers and that I would make her excedingly miserable if I heard a word from her ever again.

NC has been for a year now. fwh has made it through his withdrawal, and actually seems pretty well adjusted. So what is the prob?

Me, I cant go a day, and sometimes an hour without triggers. I am haunted by the betrayal. I dont sleep well, tears come unwanted and unbidden. SF is a total nightmare, I rarely can get through the act without feeling like my chest is going to expode, and even if I try very hard to stop them, the tears stream down my face, regardless if I am thinking anything or not.

Trying to make some sort of recovery has been further hindered by life. Bankruptcy because when a wh is at his prime he steals money from the household, and put us into such overwhelming debt that there was no other option. I just finished my degree and have sucessfully found work that pays more than I have ever made. The stress of my life right now would be overwhelming anyway but my constant battling to keep moving in any direction is destroying any grip that I can keep on from feeling totally demorilized about people in general and my husband in particular.

I read all the articles here, and reread the one on resentment. They said that there has to be a motivation for resentment. I believe that there should be a statute of limitations, when it no longer hurts so frickin much. If anything the acute pain of a year ago has been replaced by a chronic, unrelenting pain. I dont ever talk about the betrayal with fwh, I believe he should have a statute of limitations, and I dont want him to suffer. But where and when do I find that I am no longer tortured.

As a stupid example. "honey would you scratch my back" So I scratch his back but what runs through my mind is the time that I found scratch marks from the op, that he denied as anything other than thin skin and scratching too hard.

When I drive I am crushed by overwhelming hatred of the op. I am glad that I am not likely to ever see her because if I did, I might actaually assault her out of frustration that this person destroyed any chance of finding some sort of peace.

I find myself when we go out and do things as a family knowing that the things we always enjoyed would be too mundane for her, like going for a walk in the woods. And then wondering what the heck wh was thinking about his future happiness when she would not participate in these things. And then wondering if I am just too boring to enjoy these sorts of things.

I want out. I want to wake up in the morning with just today on my mind, I want to have sex without pain, I want to eat dinner, go to a movie, anything, everything without this b*tch and both of their betrayals not totally on my mind.

There is a song... "I try to block out thoughts of you so I dont lose my head, crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed, dropping little reals of tape to remind me that Im alone, making a p*orno feel like home. Theres a burning in my mind a nervous bleeding in my brain" Anyway if you know the song, It is a manatra for my life right now. I hate it.

Sorry this is so long, I am on AD, that help some, I have tried to stop them but that was a total DISASTER. I cant afford counceling, no insurance, having trouble making house payment much less anything else. Friendly advice to help releive some of the pressure would be so much appreciated.

Two questions before I comment:

1. has he ended all contact with the OW? [i mean ALL]

2. has he answered all your questions to your satisfaction about the affair?

All contact has stopped, phone numbers have been changed, emails closed. I still spot check his phone, the phone records, his email and his computer, how many miles on the car ect. He no longer works at a place that requires overnights, I have not found anything suspicious, and I have gotten to be one heck of a private investigator.

Questions about the affair? I already have TMI. If I asked anymore questions, I dont think that I could make a cup of coffee by myself. He was so full of lies all those years that if I ask him something like why, either I will get the truth or a lie and I will never trust that I am getting either.

He used to say that he was physically attracted to buxom brunettes (me) but the ow was a blond, so I worry about not only women that look like me but everyone else. I am who I am, I am uniquely me, she wasnt me, so what did he find so appealing about her, and what are those things that I cant be, and really dont want to be because they are like her.

Hi hurt,

i am new here too and this is the only time i've ever replied on a thread other than my own. i usually only read other threads and glean what i can from them. but, if i have no other advice for you, it's this......stay on this site and bring everything here and read more of the threads. these people are ahead of us on this ugly road we are traveling. they will help you through your bad times and possibly help redirect your thinking or help you think of things in a different light persay....if that makes sense.

we, as the BS's think only one thing - - how could (he) have done this to me?..... while i am learning it's not my fault that my H crossed the line and had an A (he made that 'choice'), it is my responsibility to take action for myself and change what i can both for his sake and mine. i know that sounds ridiculous that we have to do and change for him, but really we're changing for ourselves and that's what will draw our H's back to us.

while we are potentially facing bankruptcy ourselves, we just had our first session of counseling with Jennifer Chalmers from this site. we have no idea how we're gonna pay for all the sessions as it is expensive. BUT, everyone on this site highly recommends counseling with MB if the money can at all be squeaked out...after our first session, i am of the same opinion.....it is so worth it already.

but i'm right there with you on thinking 'where will we ever get the money'. my H has said, 'where there's a will, there's a way.'. a funny thing..... i was emailing my H about a thought i had on how we were going to pay for our next session.....(i'm laughing thinking about what his response was)....i had told him i just sold our freezer on craig's list and that it would pay for the next session. he said this, 'yeah, but we're out of freezers.' lol i reminded him of his saying....where there's a will, there's a way. :-) so, think hard. maybe you could sell something on craig's list.....??

if i could just add one other thing.....about the anger....one thing i've learned is that i used to have angry outbursts all the time (sometimes just the 'tone' was the outburst....i never ranted and raved). but one thing that's been brought to my attention i guess is this.....you're not hurting anyone but yourself with all that anger. i don't know if you pray or not, but if you do, ask God to remove that anger from you. you will probably have to ask over and over again because the evil one wants no part of you and your husband making any progress let alone being happy together. he is the liar and deceiver! don't let him win in that area....in any area for that matter. i have done much praying and asking God to change me...and He is doing just that - - not only for me, but for my husband as well.... my husband has noticed my 'reactions' or 'non-reactions' to different situations or his sharpness (which he never was that way before)... so, i know God can deliver you too from that bondage.... (sorry, i didn't mean to preach at you.)

that's really all i have to say. you will get information from different ones that is so insightful... it really does help. i have been so thankful for MB!!

keep your chin up, Hurt, and keep coming back to this site.

wow Hurt......i just responded to your first post and then i read your response to melodylane....

i see myself in you so much.....the comparing, etc. i feel my H totally compares me with OW whether we're 'together' because he seems to pull back or just stop at times..... which makes me want to pull back as well. in fact, i don't like to kiss him on the lips anymore so i will kiss his forehead whenever i can get away with it or just give him a quick kiss, etc... and i am constantly thinking he's comparing our bodies - - -well, i've had our three kids (which he helped create and had fun doing!) and i have a few years on me.....not to mention he thinks he fell in love with her so i continue to have a few strikes against me in measuring up.

but, i just realized something as i was typing this to you....is it that HE really compares me to her and what they did or is it ME that is comparing.... hard to figure out,and maybe some of both, i don't know. but i feel he does to a certain degree because he's just not with me mentally yet, although occasionally he seems to be... maybe like everything else, it just takes time....

and i'm just wondering anyway, you said she was blonde.....is she a true blonde or brunette underneath wanting to be a blonde.....lol one way to look at it. you are a natural brunette and i'm sure happy with that. in my case, the OW was not only brunette like me, she was only about an inch or so taller.. she does have bigger lips though, so maybe that's the comparison. i refuse botox though! but i do take the cake over her with my bosom buddies....lol and that's a whole other issue isn't it (if you've had kids).... lol can't believe i seem to have so much humor this morning.....

well, just remember this, do things for yourself and keep yourself pampered....hard to do in the mess we're both in, i know, but keep yourself looking great! :-) i'm learning that from experience...we have to take care of ourselves! that will help us continue to have the strength to take care of our H's....

and remember.....keep posting here....

I believe there is a god, but I hope that he doesnt exist.

If the existance of God is truth, then he is just one more entity through no fault of my own, other than being me, has seen fit to hurt me. There is some BS saying that God never gives you more than you can handle. Well THANKS ALOT, I have been at that edge for so long, I have been on my knees praying Please, if you have any mercy, please no more NO MORE. I have seriously asked my dh in the early days to SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD first if he felt the need to talk with her again because I couldnt deal with it anymore. It didnt stop him or God. In the early days I assaulted my dh hoping that he would strike me so that I could pull a knife out of the block in the kitchen and kill him.

This is from me, one of the most gentle people I have ever met, I have always tried to be kind, kindness that has bitten me in the a** so many times, and even God has taken advantage of this in my character. I used to believe that you get what you give, I have given all my life, but received so very little other than pain and loneliness, because obviously nobody is operating on the idea that kindness matters, least of all God.

I want to believe that there will be some peace at some point, heaven no longer even appeals, it sounds more like hell being able to relive all the pain of existance for eternity. I am hoping for oblivion at the end of my life.

At exceptionally bad times I hope that there is a final judgement so that I can grab God by the balls and squeeze for all the suffering. God doesnt love me and I have no idea why, because you dont do this to people you love, you do it to people that you hate, what I cant figure out is what there is about me that would cause even God to hate me so much to cut me to bone with very little hope of relief except in oblivion.

So I lay at the alter of God in tears, hoping for mercy but having no faith that there will ever be any. I put myself in the hands of my abuser, hoping that he will not harm me.

hurtandmad, God did not have an affair, your HUSBAND DID. Please don't blame God for your H's shabby choices. We have the free will to choose evil, and your H did that. Your H hurt you, not God.

Secondly, I would read this article about forgiveness and ask yourself if your H is justly compensating you for his affair. The things on this list are what it takes to recover a marriage. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

And lastly, it seems that many folks reach the climax of their recovery around the 8-12 month mark. It is when the relief of saving the marriage wears off and RAGE sets in. I was full of RAGE at 8-9 months and asked myself every day why I settled for a BUM. But after that apex, it seemed to subside more and more each month until I never thought about it anymore.


Sorry you are here, friend.

I can understand how a year out would be this way.

In the early days, I had something actively to be angry about. I could look at emails that I was intercepting, look at the cell bill, and I could actively voice my anger. I could act, even if it meant filing for divorce. I was acutely hurt and acutely angry.

Now I am in the twilight. I am still hurt and still angry, but what made me this way is at least a year in the past. The pain is chronic, I cant get away from it and I cant even discuss it because I would be a big fat jerk in my own mind. You dont beat the dog for pooping on the carpet a year ago. While much more serious, there has to be a statue of limitations for any sin, God is supposed to forgive, and I have to also. Even if only for my own ability to continue, to find peace and some sort of happiness, even if it means leaving and being alone.

Compensation? True, he wasnt meeting my emotional needs for years prior to his final betrayal. I attempt to meet his emotional needs, one of which is I am sure his need for forgiveness. I dont know if he would attempt to meet mine, even if I could figure out what those might be. I have given him the address to this website which he never visited. I gave him books to read which remain unread, and his tenetive attempts to do something that would meet my needs, while appreciated are always met by me with the eye of suspicion, which I realize is wrong, but seem powerless to stop. I dont really know what his needs are in many ways. Partially his way of expressing these needs are non existant, he doesnt really talk about what he needs. When needs are expressed it is a "you dont" laying blame on me for not doing something instead of requesting something.

That rewritting of history that is talked about is in fine form here, I dont know that if I confronted him today if what really did happen then would even be in his head to the point that he would deny saying things or doing things. So truth is highly variable here, if he rewrites things and actually BELIVES it, then me arguing the point is pointless. And in a weird way, if he doesnt remember some of the totally hideous things he did, then should I remind him of it after he has sucessfully forgotten. That would be punitive.

I think you should talk to him about your pain. That comes under the policy of radical honesty. You shouldn't beat him up over the affair, but tell him about your deep pain so you can share it with him. Have yall done anything to recover your marriage? Or has this all just been swept under the rug?

Have you read Dr. Harley's "Requirements for Recovery?"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=147963&Number=2002600#Post2002600

Another good resource is Dr Harley's video about adultery and its traumatic effects on the victim: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

all i can say is i know your pain all too well..... there was a time i wanted to die too but i have three kids that need their mom!

i had commented on my thread early on that 'God must have wanted us to go through this for some reason.' well, someone corrected me for sure! GOD did not WANT us to go through this, but He ALLOWED it to happen because he gives us all a free will to CHOOSE. and that's what both our H's did.....they chose the worst possible thing imaginable!! even my H struggles with how he could have chosen that sick, selfish path he took.. and frankly, he's dealing with blaming God himself.... he's got a lot of 'why's' for him as well.

but with the help of this site and some books he's reading, the fog is lifting there as well. we have a long road ahead of us unfortunately, but i am confident with what has been changed thus far that we will make it to the other side and have that loving relationship again. i am so looking forward to when i don't have to remember or be reminded by the stupid triggers we have about this ugly detour we took in our marriage.

i will read the same article that was suggested by melodylane... i am still learning too.

take one day at a time - don't think past today....it's too overwhelming as you know i'm sure... and sometimes it's just getting through the morning and then we can start thinking about getting through the afternoon.

i'm glad you found this site as well. there will be encouragement for you.

2be I understand that I am punishing myself. I seem helpless to stop. In the end I cant understand why somebody could hate me this much to hurt me this way, there must be something wrong with me, I could understand not loving me anymore, but I had hoped that there would be at least respect enough to tell me the truth and allow me to have some tiny bit of self esteem left.

Instead, I had a sex partner that I didnt consent to, a man that I thought I could trust, but obviously shouldnt have, a woman that I only met once, her husband which I have never met, her other expected lover. And here I thought I was monogomous, I was only having sex with one of them, but the bed was a heck of alot more crowded then I thought. Going to be tested for STD's was a real riot, I advise it to anybody that wants to lose any last little bit of self esteem.

Sorry you are feeling so down. And I was a lot like you, blaming God.

You are taking this very personally, and while it is hard not to, the affair most likely had very little to do with you. It was a fantasy and is over now, but you are keeping the OW's power over you in your head.

You say that your husband didn't meet your EN's for years. That is what I would start working with him on. Also you say he was emotionally abusive. Is he still? This might be one of those marriages that is better off not being saved.

I understand the policy of radical honesty but here is how it plays in my head: "Dear husband, not only are we in bankruptcy, you have lost your job and was unemployed for over 8 months that required that I go to work full time and also go to school full time to keep the family fed, I realize that you had a very high opinion of yourself that you have found to be a falicy. I know that you have now taken a job that pays 1/3 of your salary before. I also realize that you have ended a very profitible relationship, that allowed you more than one sexual partner thst you thought was true love. Between my agressive interventions and the fact that she was also messing around with another lover besides you, means that your attitude of being so superior was highly overrated and in the end you were just another one of her toys. Oh yea, and I make $10 more an hour than you do now that I have graduated. And if that isnt good enough, I cry every day and your betrayal is the reason, you messed up your life and everybody around you, and while you have looked to me for the answers, even to the point of asking how you should deal with the OW, I have no idea how to save myself or keep the constant angry hum that goes on in my head from turning into a shattering scream...." Now isnt that a nice LB I cant be honest, I hid instead, because of the whole statute of limitations thing.

Abusive? Yea, certainly emotionally through the years of the affair, it was the way he could justify his totally abhorant behavior. Now I believe he is cowering under his own guilt and the realization that he could be such a jerk, and who he is and what the heck was in him that could have done this. So he isnt emotionally abusive now, he is afraid of himself and doesnt trust himself either.

Keep repeating to your self.

He did not have an affair out of hate towards me and to hurt me,
He had an affair cause he was being selfish and wanted to get something for himself.

He did not have an affair out of hate towards me and to hurt me,
He had an affair cause he was being selfish and wanted to get something for himself.

.......
Keep going until it sinks in.


Been there, just did that ( 3 weks ago) even through H has still not found the courage to go thru the humiliation. Look at it this way, you were strong enough to CHOOSE to allow yourself to bear the humiliation of the testing in order to make sure YOU and YOUR BODY were OK.
In my eyes any BS (or BH) who can bring herself to go thru that process inspite of the rawness of the pain deserves kudos. So hats off to you and be proud of your own strength.

Yes you do have an idea how to save your self. You are here looking for the answers at a MARRIAGE BUILDING SITE.

hurt,
because i'm new at this myself, i am not educated enough yet to really advise you....this is why i am was reluctant to post on any other thread other than my own....

all i can say is i know EXACTLY your pain. and it's not easy. my H was and still might be filled with resentment towards me because i wasn't meeting his needs and yet at the same time he wasn't meeting mine. that doesn't make it right what he did.... i have continued to wonder how he could hate me as well.....i, and i'm sure you, would never intentionally do something to hurt our H's...and we thought the same of them...how could they hurt us! well, it's not OUR fault that they chose that route....it's only theirs!

but we have to figure out how to correct the mess from ever happening again......whether with your H or with someone else... this is where this site becomes so valuable. us, like you, are not well off enough to really be able to afford the counseling, but so much has been learned from this site by both of us already in a matter of weeks.... i choose to think of it as kind of our tool from God (yes, i believe it's from Him that we found this site). allow the site and those who are willing to post to you to help in any way you can allow them to. so much can be gleaned from those already here.....and not just the one's already through recovery.....even those just starting out like us have insight.

like me, you have to get it through your head that it will not be fixed overnight. sounds like you were never at the place of writing your marriage off any more than i was.....but obviously both our H's were.... and i'm saddened with you, that both of them ever got to that point...

maybe your H someday will post as mine is now....he started only about a week after me and i haven't been doing this very long at all... don't pressure him to make changes (this is the unfair part to us)... worry about yourself and getting help for you. He will notice the changes in you!!

i have not been able to bring myself to get tested as of yet.... good luck with your results....i hope all comes back ok.

2b, I wish that I could say that I was as strong as not to consider ending my marriage. When I filed for divorce a year ago, it was with the biggest feelings of failure of my life. I had every intention of going through it, because I realized that if he didnt believe me when I said enough, then I would have to remove myself from the equation. The old saying, put your oxygen mask on first comes to mind. He threw the emotional baggage out of what about the house, the kids, whatever, and I told him that if he wasnt worried about it before, then he shouldnt worry about it now.

Then he said the magic word, I kid you not, please dont do this. I would love to say that my canceling the procedings was because he honored nc, but it wasnt. He still continued on, what stopped it was my little phone call to the ow, and informing her that just the fact that she breathed irritated the sh*t out of me, and if she kept on butting herself into my life I was going to start showing up in hers. I then gave her her own address, her car, her work numbers and told her that if she didnt think I was serious to give it a whack and see what happened. This was all in the presence of dh. We havent heard from her since.

I guess that is one of the things that hurt the most. I was the only one that has protected me, it has never been those around me. I had to be the one with the balls to stop the relationship because he was too weak in his fog to do it. And now I am still the strong one, and the protector, unfortunately nobody is protecting the protector, and I am not very good at protecting myself. I dont lay my problems at the feet of others because by experience, they have their own sorrows to deal with, heck look at this site. But my love bank is overdrawn, with no new prospects of a deposit. Not only financially bankrupt but very little emotional reserves to make a withdrawal on.

So no EN really being met, and the one that could make a deposit is pretty bankrupt as well. I dont have anything left to give and I doubt he does either.

I cant go on this way anymore.

As far as the STD testing. I wish I could say that I was brave, but I got tested because there were symptoms of something wrong. Turns out it was a very weird varient of a yeast infection, the gyn could not tell me that it was or was not from the ow but if it reoccured after treatment, he would need to be treated. Then wh was very indignant that he thought that I could have caught cooties from her, after all she was his love of the life at the time, instead of what she really was, lets just say engaging in rather risky sexual behavior.

It didnt come back thankfully.

I would recommend, just as everybody else here, that regardless of the embarrassment, the worry is much worse. Get tested. Like you said, his adultary, not yours.

i am so sorry Hurt,

while i understand your pain and anger completely, i was not strong enough to kick him out from the start! course, i thought, too, that the contact was ended.... it wasn't.

my best friend lives in a different time zone than i do and i have leaned on her/them for about a year now.... heavily! i talk and did talk to her every day and sometimes several times. she was a great source of encouragement to me.

i remember all the dark days i had and not knowing how i was going to go on from one minute to the next. for me, i'm a strong believer in God and it was DAILY and sometimes minute by minute that i was asking for His strength to get me through each day.....each moment.

to this day, other than by God's grace, i don't know how i've made it or been so determined not to lose my H....even in spite of the crap he's dealt me because of his selfishness.

this is why i didn't want to comment on other threads....i'm not the one to be advising you..... i don't know how to help you really. i'm learning how to help myself. (i do wish i had more of your strength). please keep posting here though and listening to what each one has to say. i am confident that they will be able to help you even if it's just the slightest bit....

good luck to you...

What ever the reason you wnet in to get tested does not chaneg the fact that you went in, so again proud of you for going thru with it.


From what you are describing as your H's reaction he still appears to be what the y call here "The FOG". Its no wonder you are still feeling the same level of pain as us newbeeies are.
Again Sorry I have no solutions or advise to get you specifically regarding your situation but weekedns are slow here so stay tight keep venting an dposting and some of the vets will be along shortly to give you more creative ideas about what will help in your stich.

All I can offer is encouragemnt and support in the form of you are not alone in this planet feeling the way you are feeling. Many on this site are going thru what you are going thru and or have gone thu the same process. So keep reading the site and taking in what you see.