I don't know how to articulate this except to just spit it out.

Recently, my teenage daughter came into the living room where my husband and I both were. She looked nice. Well right then I noticed my husband looking at her the way you don't expect a husband to look at a daughter. My mouth fell open, I looked at him with shock and we didn't discuss it until the next day. Because he realized I'd become very angry.

When we had words about it, he said he was sorry. He admitted she'd looked good and he was surprised by her attractiveness. Well she is growing up, but that look should never appear on a husbands face, as far as I'm concerned, toward a daughter.

I'm very angry with him. I flat out asked him if he'd ever even remotely considered approaching her sexually and he said no. I believed him, because I was seriously watching him for lies at this point.

There is no doubt in my mind this is damaging our marriage. It may have been a fleeting look and maybe I'm paranoid, or weird to even see it flash. Do all men get surprised by the looks of their daughters? Am I over-reacting? Under-reacting? I'm so confused and conflicted I don't know what is right.

I do know I threatened to kill him if he touched her, so clearly we're in a whole new realm of issues of trust. Death threats don't really belong in a marriage.

Well I scheduled to see a counselor. It'll be a month. But today, my daughter came into the living room again, this time in a bikini. I didn't see my spouses face. I only saw my daughters, and this time I saw her obviously trying to get his attention! She watched him for reactions. It was so obvious I again was shocked. I'm blown away! I mean, is this normal?

I'm...speechless. What do I say. What do I do. Is this a freudian thing that is normal? Is it abnormal - because it sure looks abnormal to me. Am I overly perceptive of fleeting facial expressions? Except I have a husband who admitted and apologized. He hasn't touched her, I watched this face - I've known him 14 years, but why am I seeing sexual vibes between my husband and our 16 year old daughter! (clearly if you do this math we married when she was 2, he adopted her at 3)

I thought it was just him being, I don't know, a guy. But her behavior...it freaked me out.

What is normal here. What is not?

This is like jumping into ice water--what was I thinking.
I do not know more than I have read from your description. But I will stick to what I know... daughters getting dad's attention and daddy being surprised.
It happens! as with my dd; she craves my approval and needs direction.
Your description makes your husband sound lecherous. I wonder myself how critical I should examine my dd (50/50 single dad). I don't know the 'look' your husband was showing but I have been surprised by my friends little kids that have grown up. It is surprising when they no longer fit the mold of cute-n-cuddly; takes a bit of rearranging/reprogramming to categorize this 'new' individual. If this is the first time you have noticed this from your husband, and your daughter's own individual behavior, you should talk about it with them and maybe take a deep breath.

Maybe this is something that you need to ask your daughter.

I don't think it appropriate that your D be walking around in a bikini...unless she is at the pool or beach. Two words....Cover Up....as in the article of clothing that is used to cover up BEACH/POOL attire.

She might have seen his reaction the first time, liked it...not seeing it as sexual in nature, and is trying to get another "approving" reaction from her father.

I would have an honest discussion with her.

She should have do's and don'ts in regards to manner of undress, even around the house. I think it is better to teach modesty in our young daughters and sons. It doesn't scar them...it doesn't teach them that their bodies are nasty.

It teaches them personal responsibility for THEIR own body.

I know that some people will disagree with me and that's fine by me. It's all good.

committed

So is your DD not the biological DD of your H?

I don't know your H at all obviously, but are you aware that the number one danger to a girl as far as molestation, is a partner of her mother, who is not a bio father? This can be step-dads, boyfriends, etc. Although he adopted your DD, he may find himself attracted to her unfortunately. Not to stoke paranoia, but keep your eyes open.

I don't know what people would disagree with, I think your post was spot on.

Journal of Pediatrics 2002

Journal of Pediatrics

You would do well to protect your child.

I hate to say this- but their behaviour sounds like a direct reflection of internet porn with teens and teens mag encouraging seductive dressing and behaviour today.

I remember my dad had a lot of influence on me with that 'one talk' about growing up, boys, dating and marriage. That one talk was enough for me to show that he cares, and that he wants the best for me. I had so much respect for my dad, knowing that he cares makes me respect and value myself.

If her biological dad isn't around, is there a grandfather or an uncle or a male figure that can help?

Okay, my father is not the best yard stick...But, I do know several fathers who suddenly see their daughters as if they were strangers. It is usually fleeting, and is always a shock. Once my father was walking behind a girl thinking how good she looked, only to have her turn around and find out it was his daughter. I know he was horribly sickened by the incident.

Also, daughters do tend to see if they can get reactions from Daddy. Remember what it was like being 16? I know I didn't believe my parents when they told me men would be looking at my boobs and tush if I went out dressed like that. I thought they were neanderthals for thinking such a think. Men didn't just want to get in my pants, and all men aren't dirty old men. I was so niave. So, a 16 year old strutting her stuff probably has no idea she's being provacative.

This is a perfect opportunity for Dad to be a Dad. "Sweeting, love the bathing suit. It's perfect for the privacy of our back yard. Here's $50 to go buy a respectable one-piece suit to wear at the pool. Now go get dressed so I can give you a hug."

Now, if your husband starts asking his 16 year old daughter to sit on his lap, give him long hugs when she's in a bikini, or gets weird like that, then I think you have the right to wonder. Or if he goes into her room and shuts the door, or anything else that crosses the usual boundaries like taking her to Victoria's Secret.

Editted to add: Are you taking Hubby with you to the counselor's? I think that would be best. After all, it was his reaction that started this.

I don't want to suggest that you shouldn't protect your daughter at all, but you are correct that when you show a lack of trust in your spouse, it's going to effect your marriage.

While my wife and I were still engaged, her 2 year old son came home from daycare with some marks on his arms. She felt the need to tell me that the first thing she thought of was that I had hurt him, even though there was really no reason to suspect me. It turns out that he was hurt by another boy at daycare, and the daycare forgot to report it.

Her accusation made me realize that she would only trust me so far, and felt like she was trying to send me a warning. I almost considered calling off the wedding because of that.

I understand your point of view and wanting to protect your daughter, but from his point of view, he is being a accussed and punished for a crime he didn't comment, just because you fear that he might. I guess I would say, please understand that he may not be comfortable with the accusation, which doesn't at all mean he's guilty. He obviously knows now that there is concern.

This is the perfect time for each of you to have a separate talk with D16. You will tell her to respect herself, how showing off your body can be a good thing - if you're not overstepping the line. Explain what is expected of girls who respect themselves. How to dress, etc. Tell her it's normal to want Dad's approval of your changes, but to remember he is still a man and it's not a great character strength if she decides to push it to the point of flirtation - that would only hurt her father as well as herself. Above all, self-respect.

Dad needs to have a talk to her about what the male species is like. What she's going to encounter. How guys are gonna try every trick in the book; it's just what they do. And what they are going to start thinking about her if she starts dressing like that every chance. What they think of girls who wear push-up bras and low shirts to show more cleavage. To respect herself, or the boys won't. And make sure he adds how proud he is of her growing up into a beautiful, smart, well-rounded young woman. She needs to hear this from him. Because he's the one based upon whom she molds her self-image.

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, as it obviously has it's context and can be taken too far, but a saying that I've heard a few times regarding a Dad's relationship to his daughter is "If you don't hug your daughter, somebody else will". I won't say any more about it.

MelVin, were you trying to be funny? You did make me laugh. Obviously this is the context makes this odd, but it's still appropriate. That's why I think is really important that her dad also address how things are changing, and I threw in the line "Now go get dressed so I can hug you." That's a clear boundary. Dads don't hug their daughter when there's too much skin. They may give pats on the shoulder but not hugs then.

And I think it's really important that the original poster doesn't let her reaction destroy the relationship between the daughter and father.

No not trying to be funny, but glad it made you laugh. I've been going to this thing about raising your sons at church, and that topic came up even though it wasn't part of the program. AThe phrase is pretty easy to keep in mind.

I agree with you in that there needs to be a balance.

Is your (original poster) daughter's birth father still in the picture?

I assumed neither bio parents were in the picture since it was a single mom adoption.

???

Oh yea, forgot about that part. However, as I was rereading the first message, I noticed that she referred to D16 as 'my daughter', not 'our daughter'. I don't know if that language is just because of this situation, but generally speaking I think step parents feel like outsiders when the child is not considered to be a mutual 'possession' by their spouse. I start getting that pack mule feeling, where I'm expected to care for the child financially and otherwise, but I'm not suppossed to claim him as my own sort of thing. I don't know, maybe I got lucky and took it for granted. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Well, yes I'm too sensitive, but still.

GG, you have kids and are engaged, correct? How active will your future husband be with your kids?

Moved so as not to threadjack.