On top of finding out that my husband was having an affair with his personal trainer, at the same time I found out that he also has a son with another woman from years ago before we were married. I discovered the affair because I saw some peculiar pictures on our home computer. They made me suspicious so I got into his email accounts an found some emails from the other woman to him and then some more from the OW to ANOTHER woman who seemed to know my H very well. They were sharing very private information about their sex lives with him. Then I found one concerning a child between my husband and this old lover. He confessed that he had a son and he said he only knew for about it for a few months and didn't know how to tell me. Apparently she just dropped this bomb on him about their (now) 17 yr old son. I suppose this wouldn't be such a blow to me if I had a strong marriage but I found out at the same time as the affair AND they were all discussing itbehind my back! His new lover knew about all this before ME his WIFE!!!The old lover and the new lover sharing notes about my husband in emails. Can you imagine how sickening this was for me? I found out that my H was into BDSM with both these women. They talked about him openly like they both were his. I found out sick things about the woman he had a child with. Years ago he lived with her and another woman. They had a 3 way relationship with each other. He got one pregnant and she never told him then.
I am beyond heart broken. I'm devastated. I haven't told my family. I'm alone. I love my H but this is too much to swallow. I feel like he stuck a knife in my back. We have kids and I don't want them to know what their father has done. I think it would damage them. I know t's not right to protect my H but I'm really protecting my kids. I don't want them to suffer the same pain I have.

Ah Gosh, 85 viewings and not one comment. Yeah I'm stumped too.

Well Hubby called me today and said he called the OW and told her he decided he was going to make the marriage work and that he was going to get counseling. My appointment with the EAP counselor is tomorrow. Guess that the first step.

Hubby was not happy that I called her employer to tell them they have an employee that is having sex with her married clients. However I don't think they have done anything to the girl. Maybe they don't care which I find unethical, but what can ya do? Such is life.

Well thats a step in the right direction

Im stumped only cause I have a brain fart right now...

I am sorry you are here.

I went trhu your previous threads and I believe you should make a sum of your whole story and post on the General Questions II.

I am sure you will have lots of help and very good advice to either save your marriage or "save yourself".

From what I've read your H looks like a serial cheater... or he knows you too well and does not believe you will ever D due to your beliefs and children.

You need to enforce boundaries.

He's now doing exactly what he did all the previous times, promises, counceling until you catch him again? And repeat the pattern. He's not even worried about hidding anything in the computer.

What about this OC17, what does he wants to do about him? DNA tests to prove also need to be done.

Please be strong.

You need a plan, stick to MB, and you will get the peace and happiness you deserve.

And about the D and the children... how old are they now?

It looks like you''ll do anything to protect them from a divorce... but, what are you doing/ going to do about them when they eventually will be the ones to find that kind of stuff in the computer?

Or how healthy can it be for your children to live in a home with a father who is not such a great model (work, eat, TV, computer, porno, adultery) and a hard working mother, raising the kids alone, eventually always too tired and depressed... all the time? How long are you in this? more then 2 years right?

Please think about you and your children and do whatever it takes to have a "normal" life, with H or without WH.

I have told H exactly what I expect from him. The first thing is counseling. We are going separately. That way he doesn't have to feel embarrased to talk about things in front of me if that's the case. It's beyond marriatal issues...he has a problem and it needs to be dealt with. If he can't change then he knows I have no desire to stay. He also needs to be an active rold model for our children. I have told him that. I am giving him the chance of a lifetime. If he slips back into old ways I think he knows I will be gone this time.
Our children are 5 and 10. A divorce would devastate them but I know a bad marriage is worse. The OC17 does not live in this country even. His mother moved him away a long time ago I think. My H did a paternity test and said it was positive that he is the father. As far as I know he signed away paternity rights to this child. I don't know what this woman's intentions are. She has kept this child a secret until now when she asked my H to sign away his rights. I don't know if she has the right to sue for child support after so many years or if that would even be her intention? I'm hoping she will never contact us again. I know she is marrying the man who raised her son and thinks HE is the real father. I hope she has no intentions of revealing the truth to him.
I have to question myself if I can live with all this and never have it haunt me for the rest of my marriage. Even if H changes, I worry it will always be in the back of my mind. This is not how I ever dreamed my marriage would be. How can I be happy with my marriage with so many awful things in our past? How can I ever look at my husband and respect him and feel that he is a good man after what he has done? And if we do try to stay together it requires me to lie and pretend on the outside like we have this perfect marriage when I know we do not.
Obviously I can't stay if I can never be happy. It's unhealthy for me and my kids. I just don't know how people get through this kind of nightmare.

Your right its unhealthy. You are normal. and well if you are talking about his addiction. I am in the same boat. But I have to trust him on it. I have to build up boundaries that we cant cross. And work on those and establish what is expected of the other. And try to trust. Then it will fall into place.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I think that's the first (and possibly the toughest) choice you need to make - whether or not you want to stay and try to work things out. I'm guessing you do since you're both going to counseling? What about MC? Eventually he's going to have to tell you everything - embarassing or not - for there to even be a shred of hope for your marriage to survive.

It's normal to wonder whether or not you want to stay. An affair in and of itself is devastating - but then to add that he has a child from a previous relationship and didn't tell you, and is exhibiting the same threesome-like behavior as he did before....it's a lot to take in. I'd be very surprised if you DIDN'T question whether or not you should stay.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've come to a good place to get plenty of support though.

Well I made it to my first session of counseling today, Yes.
We have decided to go at this alone this time. We did try going together the last time and well.....here I am again.
So the first hour was mostly to fill her in on all that is going on. And yes, she did ask me if I was staying and why I thought it was worth staying in this relationship. Honestly I ask myself that question ever second of the day and sometimes I am in total confusion about what to do. I told her that if we had no children I would have left and let him get his sh#t together (or not) on his own. That doesn't mean there would be no hope of repairing the marriage, I just would not have done it this way. I think a separation or even divorce would be a good wakeup call for him and it may come to that if there is no positive action taken on his part. We have 2 children though that would be devastated by a separation or divorce so I am doing what I feel is best for them for the time being. I have told him he must go to therapy, period. I have also told him if he is going to stay here at the house he must contribute to the home. I have already gotten many complaints about how he is tired and sad and isn't sleeping. However so am I. I told him he cannot live here if he can't help out. If I have to do it all by myself then there is no reason why I should let him live here while he gets his laundry done, is meals cooked and his house and family cared for all by me alone. He can sulk at his friends home.
Back to the therapy...She seems to think my husband has an addiction to sex. I have the feeling she is right but I'm not 100% positive. I Googled sex addiction and some of it applied yet some of it didn't. He has very much expressed to me that he is VERY sexual. He almost always can't go to sleep without having an orgasm and masturbates a lot. I just don't know whats normal and what's not. I mean lots of men are very sexual and would have sex every night if they could. As far as the porn goes, many men watch it and have masterbated to it. So how do you know when it's an addiction? If it is do you have to be diagnosed by someone? And what's the first step to revovery?
I believe he is a good man but he has a serious problem. It certainly has to be fixed before we can restore our marriage and even so he can be a good father to his children.
I love him but the question is can I be "in love" with him again and can I forgive him without this nightmare haunting me for the rest of our marriage? It's a lot to swallow. I never ever would have pictured my marriage to end up like some movie off the Lifetime Channel. We are approaching our 15 year mark on a couple weeks. I don't think this anniversary will be a very special memorable one. I can't help but wonder if we get to 20 years, 25 years or even 50...will I be able to look back and say it was all worth it? I'm so glad I married this man, he's given me so many happy years.??? Looking back with regret would be so awful and wasteful.

I'm glad to hear you're in counseling for yourself - I think that's important. I think it's also important that you two have some sort of marriage counseling together, too though. I know you said you two did it before and he cheated again anyway - he didn't cheat again because of the marriage counseling, he did it because something still isn't right within your marriage - something you need to fix together. Personally, I'd be a little leery about a therapist diagnosing your husband based on your descriptions (I'm assuming you two aren't seeing the same one - otherwise he/she couldn't tell you what his issues are).

I sometimes still feel unsure about staying too - and I'm five weeks out from d-day. But the more I'm able to see my fwh trying, the more I'm able to trust that I made the right decision to stay. We have two children too - aged 4 and 2.

My fwh was always very "sexual" too, like you described, and watches porn, etc. too. What I've discovered is the more his EN for SF went unmet, the more that behavior escalated. Now that I'm doing a better job at meeting that need for him, he doesn't do it as much. He still looks at porn, but to a much lesser degree. I am NOT suggesting you are at fault, because you aren't....your wh made this choice. I just wanted to suggest that maybe rather than an addiction per se, it's an unmet EN for him. Men tend to need sex to get in touch with their emotions, just as we need emotional commitment/needs met to be interested in sex.

From what I can tell so far, it is possible to recover from the pain of infidelity, but it will forever change you. It can definitely be worth it, I think, if you both work hard at recovery and permanently change the way you interact together. I honestly believe MB is the best way for BOTH of you to work toward that. I've seen amazing changes in my fwh that I never imagined possible before. It's a rocky road, but I still think it's worth it.

Did your H have an affair or was he just turning to porn? Yes his EN were not met and nor were mine. Before the affairs started I brought up all my ENs to him that I felt were not being met. I told him why I lost a physical and emotional attraction to him and that sex between us was more like a chore. I brought up my ENs because I identified there was a problem and I wanted to fix them. I know his only EN that he expressed to me that was not being met was just the sex. Maybe he felt I was witholding sex from him as a punishment for not doing the things a asked him to do but it was not that at all.
For example, as far as sex goes with him, he has told me it's very important for me to enjoy sex and desire it and want it. So the times when I would have sex with him only to please him he would complain that I did it only to "shut him up". I mean if I'm not in the mood for sex but I still give him an orgasm is that bad? I guess after a while he noticed I was never interested in sex unless it was me just offeing to please him and not really because I wanted it. I mean I could still have orgasms but I wasn't exactly "jumping his bones" when he came through the door at night. I told him I was tired at the end of the day and it would help if gave me a hand instead of just coming home and plopping on the couch. His routine was just work, eat, sleep. No hobbies, no time spent with his children and no quality time spent with me. I felt he was showing me zero affection or adoration. I felt unloved and unwanted except when he was horney and then I was just expected to perform and prove to him that I really wanted it too. I just lost all desire and attraction to having sex with him. On top of me feeling like he contributed zero to this relationship (except for going to work)he put on a bunch of weight on and showed no desire to do anything about it. I felt like he expected me to look sexy for him all the time but it didn't matter about his appearance to me. So I tried to talk to him about making changes in our relationship and his reaction was not good. I know now we should have gone to counselingsonner. (I know I would have been the one to set it up and make the appointments each time too because he's too busy for anything) But I guess it might've made him wake up. You are right when you way that counseling together didn't cause the affair again. I know that. But counseling togther didn't fix the problems that led up to the second affair. Nothing changed. He said he would change but it actually got worse. He started taking on more work having less time at home or at the gym. I complained to him and told him "we never have time for each other...how can we fix the relationship if we never see each other??" He agreed but just said "I'm trying, don't you see Im trying?" That's always his answer. He also says he's just a man and men don't have normal desires to do things around the house or spend time with kids. Then I brought up some of his friends who I see out at the park with their children in the evenings. Or the neighbor who's out washing his truck or cleaning the garage or boat or doing "manly chores" as I'd call them. He even has his son out there with him doing those things. My husband seems to think that "his part" in the relationship is working to pay the bills, and that's it. Everything else is secondary and if he doesn't have time for it or he's too tired then "oh well". I'll have to pick up the slack.
This is the last straw for me. I have told him I have no desire to be married to a lump. And the problem is now I feel like he should be kissing my butt after what he's done. I feel it's wrong for him to expect anything from me, even his ENs right now. But if I don't fulfill his ENs then he will probably run off again saying I didn't love him. What do I do? It's a lose lose situation.

Yes, my husband had an EA. My fwh is a freemason. OW's BF came to a lodge meeting (he lives in TX, OW lives in FL) and they went to hang out at a bar after their meeting. BF brought the OW, she and fwh started flirting back & forth, and then texting when she left town a day or so later. FWH wasn't getting his SF needs met, and had been very frustrated with that for a couple years. I had EN that were unmet and I was also making a very misguided attempt to make my marriage healthier than my parents' by not making waves (i.e. not making my needs known). OW was openly flirtatious and grabbed his attention of course, so he was attracted from the beginning. He characterized their texting as just friends at first, but it turned sexual after she came to town a second time a couple months later. That was in April, d-day was July 2nd. He fully confessed the next day when I confronted him with indisputable proof that he had lied to me the night before about not knowing who she was. I attempted to confront the OW by phone, but she knew it was me and didn't answer, so instead I texted her and called her every filthy name in the book and told her I knew she was involved with my husband. I also left a couple messages for her boyfriend through MySpace and told him what had been going on between them. I then told FWH he had two choices - call OW in front of me and end all contact with her forever, or he could pack up his stuff and move out that instant. He chose to call her. Even after he called her, two days later she forwarded the text I sent to her, and he again told her things were over between them.

I've been monitoring his emails, mail, cell usage, randomly checking his phone, and I installed keylogging software on our computer (which he doesn't know about). I closed his alternate email address, his myspace page, and he gave me access to everything - 401k account, personal checking account, and has been forthright about everything. He's extremely remorseful and is also openly participating in MC. We had gone to MC before and unknown to me, he was involved with OW at the same time and wasn't participating in MC very much. We've taken a "slash & burn" approach and have completely revamped how we do things, how we interact, etc. Recovery is definitely not a straight line, but we're working hard and I'm hopeful. He is too.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? I would recommend that, along with Surviving an Affair, both by the Harleys. I'd also recommend BOTH of you fill out the EN questionnaires. My fwh and I did them at the same time (so neither would feel like the other was trying to "pounce" on us), and then immediately swapped and read them, then discussed things that needed further clarification.

If your DH isn't willing to do that, you can still do Plan A with him and focus on fulfilling his needs. It's not easy, but you could probably "woo" him back by showing him how great life with you can be.

Oh Gosh..You gave me a good idea but too late. The OW my H had the affair with was on myspace page as one of my friends. When I found out I sent her an email on myspace saying "I can't believe I had you as one of my friends on myspace while you were f#$king my husband! You both make me sick." Now I wish I made it a comment so all her friends and clients could see.

My H seems to be very remorseful and says he wants to make the marriage work. He called the OW and told her this also. I am still bugging him to call a counselor. I'm guessing he is stalling because he doesn't want to go in the knowing what he will face. I am trying to fulfill his ENs. We do need to fill out the questionaire so we know exactly what each person wants. I have been very loving and understanding, while at the same time making it clear how hurt I am still. Trying to give him support right now is difficult. Inside htough I feel like I shouldn't be the one giving him much of anything other than and good swift kick in the balls. I mean I'm the one who was hurt so I would think he should be the one wooing me back.
My H has an extremely needy personality. I have really felt as though I've been taken for granted and I have the feeling only HIS needs will be taken care of and mine wil be kicked to the curb. That's what cuased all this in the first place.
I mean, a dog will give you unconditional love but I think if you push him away, never pet him, walk him play with him, eventually he will get mad and show it.

You still could, really, if you still have your MySpace page. You could email all her friends and tell them about the affair. I've thought of doing this myself, but haven't.

Maybe you need to work at clearly verbalizing what your EN are?? I know that's a BIG mistake I was making - not stating what it was I needed.

I didn't get a chance to say everything I wanted in my last reply because I was getting ready to leave work.

I totally understand you struggling to be supportive. What your h has done is the most selfish, self-centered and hurtful thing one spouse can do to another. The fact that he's resisting therapy is probably adding fuel to that fire. Remorse is nice, but he needs to back it up with action.

I just ordered 3 books. SSA, HNHN and LB. I was thinking to ask H to read them too. He seems willing. He says all the right things. But you are right, backing up with action is what proves that he means it. I get tired of the excuses...."I'm tired, I forgot, I'm busy at work," etc. They all may be true but just keeps giving me the message of "it's not a priority."

He did just tell me he finally made an appt. with the same counselor I am seeing. It's 1 week away though. It will seem like a long week.

That's good!

I used to use all those excuses too. What I've figured out is I'm much more willing to make my marriage a priority since I'm seeing results (FWH making an effort). The more I make it a priority, the harder he tries....it's an upward spiral.

I'm starting to feel like I need to spy on my H by following him. I know it's totally insane but I just have the feeling he's gonna be meeting her at lunch or something. It would be easy for them to do. Now he knows I spy on his email accounts I think he's obviously very careful about deleting messages. At least that's what I suspect.
She just sent him a message last night so I just suspect he's not "letting go" entirely.