I found out on Wednesday that my husband of 8 years cheated on me. It first happened four years ago. I cannot come to terms with whether it is the actual betrayal or the circumstances.

Basically to make a long story short, he went away with friends. He had gone to strip clubs in the past (before we were married)and because where he was going, there are lots of them, I made it very clear that he was not to step foot inside any club that featured naked women.

Well, he did. He met a stripper and took her to breakfast. Supposedly just to push things to the edge to see how far he could go without actually falling over. It's clear now that he has zero self control because he got incredibly drunk, waited for the stripper to get off of work, invited her to breakfast, ditched his friends so he could be alone with her, got a seperate room than his friends and had sex with her.

He felt bad for "leading her on" and "didn't want to hurt her feelings" so he continued to communicate with her via email and telephone.

After this happened, we purchased our first home together and got pregnant with our first child. He never told me, never gave me the opportunity to walk away before things got very complicated.

He was allegedly devasted by his betrayal. He says that after it happened (and before she even left the room) he got physically sick because of what he did.

As if this isn't all bad enough, he went back to the same event a year later (when I was 8 months pregnant and on bedrest). Went to a different strip club(still under strict instructions to avoid them)and by some small twist of fate, she was working there. He saw her, paid for several lap dances and spent time kissing her in a dark corner of the club. He claims that he realized what a mistake he was making, told her he had to go and left abruptly.

He says there was no contact after this...I do not believe him. He also says that he didn't contact her the second time to let her know he was coming to town...I also don't believe him.

Since he had this affair, we have had 3 children together. I have been by his side and supportive through so much. He has been emotionally abusive to me and I swore I would never leave because I didn't believe in divorce.

I think it is also important to mention that I caught him carrying on an "emotional affair" with a woman online. This happened just last year.

I believed that I was marrying a good christian man. He has now told me that he was never saved but was in recent months. He says that God convicted him to tell me and that he couldn't disobey.

I am devastated. I am trying to work through the emotion with little success. Everytime I close my eyes, I see them together.

I am angry because he didn't tell me before we had children together. I love them with all of my heart but would have loved to have them born into a marriage that was not a total lie.

Now I am confronted with whether or not to let him stay. I love him with my whole heart and always have but I will never trust him again and no matter what, will never have sex with him again. I may forgive him but I will never forget. What kind of marriage could that be?

I bought the Surviving Affairs book today and am going to start reading it now but I just had to put my story out there. There is no one I can talk to. If I told my family or friends, they would never forgive him and if I decided that I wanted to stay with him, they would think I was crazy!

Thanks for letting me tell my story.

Hi Car0219,
First of all welcome to MB.

Just to clarify a couple of things, your H confessed to the EA/PA just recently? Did you at any time suspect?

Have you been on MB for long and what have you read so far?

Thanks for your response.

I actually caught H in the EA. He was spending a lot of time on a particular message board. I started checking it out and was astounded by the inappropriate "conversations" with a woman on there. I confronted him and he admitted his role and that if they had ever met, more could have happened.

I just found out about the physical affair. He says that he knew our marriage could never achieve it's full potential if he didn't come clean. He claims that the reason he didn't before was because he was trying to protect me from it.

Honestly, I just started reading this message board. I am so thankful that I found it. I just bought the book Surviving an Affair today.

ETA: I had no idea. I thought that was the happiest time in our marriage.

Thanx for the additional info.

The boards are pretty quiet at night and get more so over the weekend, but one or more of the vets should come by and be able to give you a hand.

From what you have said so far I think your marriage has a very good chance of surviving this and even becoming better than before.

I recommend you look at the articles under 'Basic Concepts" there are a few that specifically pertain to your situation.
Is there any chance your WH might come and post here?

Thanks again.

I'm not sure if he will or not. He was actually with me when I bought the book and we discussed the website.

I really think that he would do anything that I ask him to. I have asked him to cut all ties with the "friends" that he was with when this happened. He did that immediately. He cannot remember if this girl has his cell phone number. He claims to have had zero communication with her in the last 3 years but is still changing his cell phone number tomorrow.

I truly believe that he is sorry and a changed man. The problem is that I honestly don't care.

I am sure that this is covered on this website and in the book but I cannot stop asking for details! Someone please make me stop...every detail I find out it destroys me just a little bit more!

Hi CAR0219

basically bumping this so maybe a vet will see it, but also it may be beneficial for you to post this on 'General Questions 2'.
That forum has a higher traffic flow, and more people who may be able to help you.

I am the husband of this wonderful woman. I am reluctant to post this in a public forum because I am ashamed and don't like myself very much right now. I am not sure how much to or what to say here...

I kept this from my wife, initially, in order to protect her - I did not want to see her hurt because she is such a loving, wonderful wife. She doesn't deserve this. My heart is broken for her. I hate myself for this.

Long story short, I lived a life of a chameleon - I was one person in front of my "church" friends and family and another person in front of the others. I had done this my entire life. It was my way of being accepted by whoever I was with. Nevertheless, I always thought I was a "born again" Christian.

About 3-4 months ago, I heard some preaching that made me question my truly being a Christian. As I listened to this, I felt God press on me - and, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I cried out for mercy and begged forgiveness. This led me to repent and turn from so much of the wretched thoughts and attitudes I held. I can't even say that, really...God changed me - gave me a new heart and new desires. I finally felt free and have changed so much about my life - and continue to change. My wife can confirm that she has noticed some of these changes in me even before my confessing to her of my past adultery.

Several days ago, I felt God press on me again. This time, it was that I had to clear this up with my wonderful wife. I did not want to. I sought Godly counsel - and they all confirmed that I must. So I did.

I make no excuses. This woman, this family mean more to me than anything. I am so sorry and will do anything to save this marriage and save this family. I cannot express to her enough how much I love her and value her. I did it, I am guilty, and at the same time, I am not the same person - I have new attitudes and new desires and loving her and treating her most excellent are what matter most to me.

God changed me and saved me and I truly believe he can and will save this marriage. I love this woman more than life and will do anything to, not just save this marriage, but finally have a great Christian marriage that will be a shining example to our children and the world.


Honey, I am so sorry. If you can find it within your heart to give this new me a chance, I promise you will never, ever, ever regret it. I love you. I love you...

Welcome.
Great that you both have found MB. It CAN save your M if you want it to.

I suggest that Hubby start his own thread where he can deal with HIS stuff. There are many couples who both post but the things that the BS needs and the things that the WS needs are two completely different animals.

I also suggest that you move your thread over to General Questions II...it gets WAY more traffic than JFO. You can email the moderators and ask them to move it for you or you can just copy your first post into a new thread on that section.

BW (betrayed wife), you are in shock. You have just experienced the most TRAUMATIC thing you can ever experience. It is worse than almost any other trauma in life. And the person who is responsible for it is the person that you usually rely on when you experience trauma. It is VERY HARD.

Do not make any decisions regarding your relationship right now. Give yourself a few weeks. It may seem like you will NEVER be able to have a relationship with your H again, but it is possible. There are SO MANY success stories here. I plan on being one of them (my H had a 3+ year affair).

Read the basic concepts. If you can afford it, call the Harley's for a counseling appointment...they are great about helping you with a plan.

WH (Wayward Husband), be prepared. This is a rough place for a wayward to be. Some BSs can't handle talking with a WS. I can. But you will need to be ready to be completely honest with the people here in this forum or you will be called on it. You will be expected to work hard to recover your M.

There are many former WS here who have great advice to give. Listen to them. Read the basic concepts. Follow the PLAN it gives you. You have hurt your wife deeper than anyone else could have ever hurt her. Be ready to accept responsibility and be an active participant in your recovery.

HTM

Just to furhter this, my wife's instincts were correct. I did not tell the full story to her. I messed up big time. I really have no excuse about it. The issue is that I was reading up on how to confess to her and some of what I read indicated that some of the gory details should not be disclosed. However, it was in the context of a counseling session and the counselor was the one that would tell her to stop at certain points. Unfortunately, I tried doing this without the assistance of a counselor. Obviously, my jugment is skewed and am not qualified to make it either, and I likely damaged this beyond repair.

I was reading about radical honesty here and again got convicted by God to tell her even the stuff that I lied about because I thought they weren't essential and I thought I was protecting her - because she knew about the adultery I thought that anything less than that was not essential. But I see here that radical honesty is that important moving forward, so I did it. Also, I am not and should not be the judge of what is essential.

I know I sound like a hypocrite, but I never claimed to be perfect. I am changed. I love this woman more than life itself. I have been radically honest with her and I hope and pray that God will bless and save this marriage. At this point, it will take a miracle by Him and that is it.

Obviously, she does not think this is possible right now...

Bumping for original poster. This thread has been moved from the JFO board.

CAR0219 and SMRO219 - Having been myself where your wife finds herself today, and my wife having been were you, SMRO find yourself today, do you both want to discuss what GOD wants for your marriage and for you individually?

If you do, we can do so here on the public forums, or if you, both or individually, would prefer to discuss some of these issues more privately, you can feel free to email me at

mbforverhers@yahoo.com

and I do what I can to help you both through this VERY difficult time, from a Christian perspective, one born-again believer to another.

Without going into all the details at this time, my wife was involved in a 6 year long, very intense Class II affair. I understand CARO's feelings and emotional onslaught right now. And I can also tell you that now, some 6+ years after we BEGAN recovery efforts, God has been faithful to all of His promises to us and we ARE "recovered" from one of marriage's most devastating betrayals.

"With God, all things are possible."

God bless.

To the H,

Lets clarify some things ok?


You did not keep this from her to protect her, you kept if from her to protect YOU. You are right about one thing, she dosen't deserve this. One thing you have to do, is you have to love yourself, stop hating yourself. How can you love your wife if you hate yourself?


a lot of us do this, you are not abnormal here. As far as born again, only you and God know whats in your heart.


Something tells me you have more to tell. Is this possible? If there is more then you need to tell it now. Maybe this isn't the first time?