This is my story…..
My H and I met in hs and started dating in 10th grade on and off. In 12th we signed up for the marines and left for boot camp, Aug 03, after graduation. Went through boot camp together, only saw each other at church but we wrote each other. Then went through MCT (marine combat training) together. Got engaged Jan 04 while home after MCT before leaving for A-school in FL. I left FL for C-school in CA while H remained in FL. April 16, 2004 H flew out to CA to get married, went to a JOP 4-17-04, then H left 4-18 to go back to FL. I then left CA for NC, May 04, where I was being stationed. H and I saw each other a few times during the weekends when I would drive home to FL; he then left to CA for his C-school. I deployed to Iraq Aug 04, H flew to NC to see me leave.

While deployed H and I had constant fights because I wouldn’t be able to call as often as he would like. Even talked about divorce while I was out there. Things got hard but I’m not blaming it for my actions. The EA started a few months after I deployed. Things started out as just friends, I was one of 5 females in my command, so I became friends with a few of my male co workers. The OM I considered a very good friend, more like a brother, I would be able to talk to him about anything. Things went from there and turned PA month later.

After I came home, Feb 05, I stopped the PA but the EA continued. Soon things where bad with H. I was dealing with things from Iraq plus the secret of the A that we separated. He moved in with a friend and I started seeing OM again. H and I talked and he moved back in the PA stopped again. But soon things where bad again with H that I moved out and got my own place. The PA started again but I was sure H and I were done (not an excuse) H even went and looked into getting the D-papers.

I found out I was pregnant April 05 and called to tell H. OM found out when I had to tell my command. OM thought the child was his but I believed the child was H due to using protection with OM. H and I then started talking again seeing if we would be able to work things out. I moved back in with H around July-Aug 05 and told OM that I was going to work on my M and the officially ended the A, even got a transfer to another command so I didn’t have to work with him anymore. Son was born Dec 10, 2005.

Things were going good with our M but I never told H about the A due to some bad advice from family who lead me to believe the M would end if I told H. So I continued to lie about the A for years, scared of ruining our family, however it ate at me. In 2006, H told me about 3 girls he slept with back in 12th grade and it hurt but how could I get mad when I was still lying about my A and his cheating was before we were married. Even though it hurt to find out that when we married we would brag that we were each others first and only was a lie, it didn’t amount to what I had done. So things continued and I continued to lie about the A.

In March 2008, H was going through MCIC (marine combat instructor classes), we had bought a house in Jan 08 in NC so we decided to stay in NC so H reenlisted for MCT which is NC where we lived. Well while he was going through the class one of the chaplains came to talk to them and recommended HNHN to read because of the strain this command puts on the marriage and many lead to divorce due to the long hours the marines have to work. We ended up getting the book and started reading it the beginning of April 08. Well, we only got through a few chapters and I broke. I confessed to the A and told H everything April 5, 2008. I answered all the questions he had and things were hard. H ordered a mail DNA test for our son. H decided he wanted to stay and work it out. Then another blow came shortly after on April 17, 2008 (our 4 year anniversary) we got the results and the test read that H was not bio father. I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure our M was over but H still said he wanted to stay.

We have been going well for the most part but after H started MCT, July 2008, things got bad. The chaplain was right the hours as long and hard. We barely get the see each other and it’s made things real difficult to work on the M.

H is having a real hard time right now dealing with the A and finding out about our son. I have been doing my best to be there for him and meeting his EN except SF has been lacking, which I know bothers my H, but things have been rough. With H always gone and me staying home with our son all day without adult interaction things have been going south. I love my H very much and want to keep working on our M but H keeps talking about "if we divorce." I plan to make a appt for MC once I find a good pro-mc. H finally agreed to go to MC but I have to make sure we are able to go before his next class starts the end of the month. I really hope and pray we can make it though this hard time but things aren't looking to good right now.

Call the Harleys. Counseling is on the phone, so it can start right away, and you don't have to be in the same place to get it going!


Your husband is a strong man, to stay even though the child is not his. This is tough - other men have done it, including Maury Povich.

Tell your husband to check out this website, if he is willing. It has lots of good advice, and if he wants to save the marriage, then it can help the both of you.

When he talks divorce, your reply should always be, "I don't talk divorce, I talk marriage building. Let's talk about ways to make this work. I love you, and you love me. We can make this a great marriage."

Make that your mantra.

SF is difficult for men whose wives have cheated on them. They have "movies" in their heads. You can help - answer his questions openly and honestly, but only give the details he asks for. Answer directly, but answer what he asks. Don't lie!!!!! Ask how much detail he wants, and be loving in what you say. Don't compare him to your lover, but do tell him what he asks to know.

I'm not an expert in the "other child" category. This is tough on marriages. But I do know that it has worked out, over and over again.

And he has fathered this child - as a man, maybe not biologically, but as a man he has.

I wish you the best.

SB

I hope that you can find some female friends to do wholesome things together. Or maybe you can find some hobbies, a job, volunteer work, etc.

It sounds to me like your husband has a heavy demand schedule at work, and that is part of the problem. You may have to have some activities of your own that meet some of your ENs.

Are you keeping the house sparkling clean and warm and welcoming? Cooking nice meals?

MM is SF one of his EN's? for most guys SF is... Yes the house load of taking care of a child, the errands, bills, keeping house can add stress upon you. While your H is out there working and making finances to keep a roof over his families head. Put DS to bed when H comes home. And just give him a back rub. Yes in our minds we want that done. WE worked just as hard if not harder as they did out there. Why cant we have it? Well to answer cause you need to give in order to recieve.

Yes he has alot on his plate. So do you. He is willing to accept the other child and you had in the back of your mind that it was his. Have you set your appt up yet? YOU need to. He agreed to go and thats a good sign. Heep the faith and know hes not throwing in the towel. If so why would he suggest and go to MC??