Here are the basics.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102611#Post2102611

I messed up. Then, as I tried to confess and work towards restoration, I messed up again. I keep messing this up...I am trying so hard to do the right thing. I love this woman to death and want to save this marriage, but I think I've done too much.

I don't know how to let her know that if she finds a way to be willing to work at this, this marriage will be everything she needs, wants and desires until the day I die.

Please pray for me, pray for us and our beautiful family.

"I love this woman to death and want to save this marriage, but I think I've done too much."

Why would your assessment of whether or not you've 'done too much' be a factor? Yes, it may be true that she may choose to not give you another chance for reconciliation. She has that right. But are you really saying that you've done more damage than you intend to repair and compensate for? Are you admitting that what you'd be willing to do for recovery wouldn't be enough compared to the damage you've done? Or that you aren't willing to give your BW all the time she needs to fully recover?

"I don't know how to let her know that if she finds a way to be willing to work at this,"

What do you mean by "if she finds a way to be willing to work at this"? What are you expecting from her? Are you placing conditions on your willingness to do all you can and should be doing? Are you looking for certain gaurantees, positive signs, or payoffs from any efforts you put in? How much work are you willing to put in, and for how long, without her giving you any indication that it's going to pay off for you?

"this marriage will be everything she needs, wants and desires until the day I die."

The way to let her know that is true is to live it, consistently, and for an extended period of time, without her having to give you some sort of immediate reward for it.

MANY of the things a WS should say and do to compensate for the damage they've done are the same whether or not the motive is trying to get the BS to give them another chance, or the WS becoming a person of integrity so they will do the right thing even if the BS doesn't give them another chance.

If you truly are ready to take responsibility then your own need to be reassured and given another chance will not be a higher priority than doing the work to repair the devastation your adultery caused. Are you ready to help your BW recover even if that means she goes on to have a future that doesn't include you?
Or is your interest in her recovery largely motivated by what you currently want and need from her?

How long did you cheat on her?
How long did you lie to her?
How many false recoveries did you put her through?
How long has she waited for you to express an interest in marital recovery?

How concerned were you about her when you were cheating on her and lying to her? How long are you willing to work on recovery efforts, WITHOUT getting encouragement (pay-off to make YOU feel better) from her?

Will you give up easily and just move on to an OW if she doesn't reward your efforts in a shorter period of time than the cheating and lying went?

I am willing to do whatever it takes for ever how long it takes. I want to be everything to her that I should have been from the start. My sadness is in that I don't think I will get the chance.



I don't feel she owes me anything and I am I not putting any conditions on this. I will do whatever it takes for ever how long it takes even without any positive indication. I want to dedicate my life to pleasing her from now on.


I know....I just need that chance.


Thank you for that - it makes sense. I am afraid I am not going to be given the chance to do anything to compensate. I know things may settle with time - but I am out of the house and can't do anything (speak, chores around the house, etc). I want to show her how much I truly care and how sorry I am - I just don't know how in this situation.


That is a toughie. My motivation is to do the right thing. It is my belief that God does not want divorce but He allows it. I want to do what is right in the eyes of God and that is staying together - I believe it is God's will and I love her so much. However, if she is not able and seeks a divorce, I do hope that whatever I do from here does help her to be happy in the end.

It all happened over the course of 1 year.

It ended in early 2005. I just confessed last week.


I confessed last week. I held some things back that I thought were not as essential as the actual adultery. On top of that, when she was questioning me some more, she got a little physical and in front of the children. I then became afraid to correct the lies about what I then considered the non-essentials.

I am waiting for her.

I know it sounds crazy, but my emotions at that time were all over the map. But it boils down to this: I was certainly concerned for her, but, at the same time, I was a very selfish person and my selfishness overrode my conerns for her. I am a changing person - hopefully for the better and I want her to be #1 in my life from now until death.

I will never give up.