I asked my husband if he loves the OW and he said he "loved the way felt with her". I found numerous emails saying they loved each other. I'm not sure what to believe. Obviously I have trust issues with good reason. Is this a "line" anyone else has heard before? How do I know he won't hold onto this woman?

I also want to know if someone is capable of getting over a sex/porn addiction? My husband likes bondage. I don't. There are things I will try but I do draw the line at some things I find repulsive. Some of the porn I have caught him with is completely discusting beyond just 2 people having sex. What is this? Why do men watch this? It's so degrading to women. It's a side of my husband I don't like and I don't know if it will ever change.

I have read your other posts but I want to address this one first



Yes they can over come the addiction IF THEY WANT TO. If you put your foot down tell him how you feel about it and that you will not tolerate it thats a boundary you need to set up. My DH had a porn addiction came fully clean we wiped his hard drive, threw away cd's, got rid of other hard drives and any other material.I would get all passwords to where ever he goes, maybe install a keylogger on his computer and yes you will have to watch him like a child till you feel you trust him.

As for the other post you did. Does he want to work on the M? If so you need him to do a NC to both ladies. Know theres a road bump. The OC. Does he want anything to do with him? If so I would first focus on your M get it stronger and perpare yourself for the step child.

What he needs to do is come FULLY clean with you. It will help you and your M if you know the whole picture.

The OC is grown and his mother says she doesn't want him to find out who his real father which is just fine with me. However there is always the possibility it will come back to haunt us. I guess the child has some money or assets that are an issue and I think she wanted my hubby to sign a paternal rights release or something. (so he can't get any money) I think he did that so I'm hoping they will never try to make contact with us again. I have no desire to build a relationship with this child due to the circumstance he was created in. I have enough to deal with right now. My H doesn't seem to want to reveal who he is either. I think he knows I will not be happy if he does. I will do what ever I have to to protect my children from seeing the mistakes my husband has made. If he decides to continue a destructive path I will have no choice but to leave. I hope it never comes to that and I hope my H learns to accept forgiveness from God and true repentance. I can only hope.

I don't know what kind of porn your hubby was into but the stuff mine liked was as extreme as it gets. It scares me to think that a man can watch a woman be tied up and bound and treated that way and be turned on by it. It's quite disturbing. I don't know if it's just out of curiousity or if he's a disturbed person. I feel the same way about people who can sit and watch horror movies like Hostel and Saw. It makes me wonder what kind of person can enjoy viewing that.
My H did tell me his father used to have those kinds of porn magazines around the house all the time when he was a small child so that's all he knew about sex. I can see how that can screw you up in the head.

Does your WH want to work on the M?

I would suggest if so, you and him contact the Harleys for find a pro MC.

Have you read SAA? HNHN? I have yet to read them but planning on ordering them even though DH and I are in recovery it will still help us.

I;m sorry for asking but what are SAA and HNHN? Is it a book or is it on this site?

My hubby says he wants to fix the marriage but he said it the last time I found out he was cheating on me. Part of the problem is he has no self esteem. He gets into this self loathing and self pity rut and mopes around all useless. I told him if he is going to live here he cannot do this. I can't deal with it. I have enough to deal with and I'm having a really hard time giving him support right now because I feel like I am the victim and I am the one who was betrayed.
He says he didn't plan on having and affair and that it just "happened". He says he was feeling unloved and unwanted and that the OW gave him the love and affection he desired. That may be true in some ways but I know I gave him as much as I possiblly could considering I was dealing with the pain and anger from the first affair. Right now I am having a hard time dealing with him asking anything from me, especially his ENs. Maybe it's wrong and selfish but I kind feel like he should be kissing my a$$ after what he's done. Instead he's turning his guilt on me. I feel like he's making himsef the victim and trying to make me feel bad for him.

[quote=VegMom36]I;m sorry for asking but what are SAA and HNHN? Is it a book or is it on this site?[/qoute]

They are books here off the site you can order. HNHN is Her needs His needs. and SAA is Surving an Affair. I havent read them but many on here are reading and working on the techniques in teh book have experienced positive in there M.

Book #1 is Surving an Affair

Book #2 is His Needs Her Needs

Is your husband using bondage to self-medicate? Is he using bondage to not deal with his feelings or to prevent himself from feeling at all? Does he feel great shame immediately after he experienced bondage? Does he go through withdrawl symtoms if he doesn't get his bondage fix?

If he answers yes to any of the above questions, there might be a chance that he is a sex addict. Or go to sa or slaa.org. They have online test to see if you may be a sex addict.

Porn addicts can escalate into physical cheating.

But, if he just likes bondage, well, he just likes bondage. Just because people DO enjoy fetishes doesn't make them a sex addict. I happen to enjoy a few less main stream fetishes, and I don't use sexual experiences to self-medicate.

If he does have an addiction, he should get support for his recovery-preferrably not you. The other poster that mentioned her husband did it himself is NOT the norm. There's a difference between sobriety and recovery. The best example is someone who is a mean dry drunk.

There are a fair bit of resources: Out of the Shadows, Don't call it love by Carnes. Lonely all the time by Earle. Recoverynation.com. No-porn.com. Sex addiction therapists. SA. SLAA. COSA (for you)

And yes, men can get sober from sexual addictions. It's a nasty road to travel, but it can be done.

I have looked up some sites on porn addiction and it's hard to say but I would lean towards "yes". I don't know how to diagnose an addict really. I know he really, really, really likes sex and he does like the most extreme stuff. I know he almost always needs to orgasm in order to fall asleep.
He always wanted to try to make me do things I was uncomfortable with and I hated it. Maybe even resented him and was turned off by him.

My H says he cheated because he was lonely and didn't feel loved and that we weren't intamate enough. There is probably some truth to that. However we were both lonely. The marriage was certainly having some serious issues and I wish to God now we sought counseling. I never would have thought he would resort to an affair but the first 2 times it wasn't just him seeking companionship with another woman. He was going on BDSM sex web sites and placing personals then meeting with women. He'd have anal sex and oral sex with them and whatever role play they were into. I really coudn't understand why he would say he was lonely but then go off and do that?
This last affair I guess was more of a personal relationship but I know there was bondage involved too. I also know he's been into porn again on the computer. I don't know what's truth and what's lies anymore. I don't know if we get back together he won't get bored with me and look for something better on the internet. I don't know that he won't have an affair again. He says he just wants me but how do I trust that? What if he's just a really good liar and I'm just a really good sucker?

Really liking sex doesn't make him an addict. Needing an orgasm to fall asleep IS a red flag. Do you know if he started out watching "normal" porn and than escalated to BSDM stuff? Or did he start out with the heavier stuff?

My husband is nearly a year and a half sober, and I still don't trust him. I will never trust him like I once did. And we only had one d-day and no physical cheating. How do you trust him? Now, you don't. You let him earn it back by his actions, not his words.

Can you figure out what he could do to earn your trust back?
He could do the following:
Go to therapy
Go to an SA meeting
Only go on the computer in your presence
Put something like covenant eyes on the computer
Cancel all email accounts in your presence
Remove himself from chat rooms in your presence
Read any number of books on sex addiction
Do the lessons at recoverynation
Willingly become transparent (I get at least one check in phone call a day)
Figure out small things he can do to reassure you, meet your needs (backrubs, making you hot tea at night, thoughtful small gifts, whatever)
Read books on non-sexual intimacy
Communicate with you unprompted

Filling out the His Needs/Her Needs stuff would be good. However, I'm just ready for that now.

What are you doing to heal yourself? The marriage won't improve until both parties are healed.

Given the fact that he is depressed and really, really into Porn, I can't believe that he is anything other then a sex addict. I'd do all that's been recommended above, and maybe even see if anti-depressants are in order.

I don't know if you're meeting his ENs or not, but you aren't the reason why he isn't happy. This addiction and whatever else he is dealing with inside his head (FOO Family of Origin issues maybe). I would think this needs to be addressed before your marriage can get to a good place again.

I'm going to counseling for myself. I want to check out some of Dr Harleys books. I think that will help. I need to get past this confusion and anger. Trust is a big issue too. I'm always checking his email account. I also worry abou the OW calling him while I'm not around. There's no way I'd know. I have told him to tell me if she ever did call. I can only hope that he will be honest.
He broke it off with her but that doesn't mean they don't think about one another.

I'm pretty sure my hubby was into the heavy stuff always. I just found out that he actually lived with 2 women in college (before we met) and performed a lot of BDSM with them. One of them got pregnant and never told him till now. I just got hit with this one too. I knew he was very sexual when we met. I knew he had a lot of girlfriends and had been with a lot of women. He got him self tested before we married to make sure there was no chance of me getting any surprises later on. I always thought his sexual life was a normal one. I never knew about the BDSM or that he had more than one woman at a time etc. I thought all his sexual experiences were with GF in relationships. I feel he was deceitful in not telling me any of this before we married. And I mean it's not like anything I would think to ask him either. I guess he thought if he told me I would look at him differently.