So about 2 weeks ago i found out my wife of 7 years has been having an affair with my best friend for the last 4 months. I have to say i havent been the best husband or father always putting my needs in front of hers and my kids. She says it started he would just talk to her and be friendly thats all she wanted but to keep him talking to her it had to go farther. I didnt really talk to her much as i was addicted to damn online games and always was on them, would get home from work and just play games untell i went to bed. Never gave her the conversation and effection she wanted. She now claims how sorry she is says it was a mistake should have never happened and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She has begged me not to leave to the point she even claims if i left she would kill herself which i think is a pitty party. I dont know how to tell if she is truly sorry and wont do it again, or what i should do at this point. I was angry at first then i think about all the wrong that i have done and i just cant get angry about it. How do i put the thoughts of what she did behind me? This is a girl you would never think would do somthing like this, but she just wanted attetion and he gave it to her.

Welcome to marrigebuilders. Sorry you have to be here.

Often women give sex for affection when they have an affair.

It sounds like your marriage can survive.

Is there no contact with the other man? Is he married?

she tells me there is no contact at all she doesnt care to ever talk to him see him or hear his name ever again, no he isnt married.

Well, that is very good news. If they are having no contact, it is much more promising for your marriage.

You are going to feel awful for a long time, but you CAN recover your marriage.

The resources of this web site are awesome if you take advantage of them. For example, your wife needs to write a NO CONTACT for life letter to your former "Best Friend." And you need to monitor the situation to be sure that it is really no contact.

And I must say that obviously your best friend wasn't. Try to pick better friends in the future. In fact, try to make your wife your best friend. That work?

Your wife slid into an affair.

Both of you have a long row to hoe. It takes time, patience, committment and love to make it. It also takes applied knowledge and that you can find here or by using the Harleys as a coaching service. That is how they make a living and provide this web site resource. As a matter of fact, one session with the Harleys has been compared to a dozen with more with traditional conselors versus the "Coaching" style of the Harleys.

In point of fact, my wife slid into adultery. The bottom line is an addiction to a temporary brain chemical (PEA) that causes temporary insanity for those who do not protect their weaknesses. Roughly half of both women and men commit adultery at some point in their life, which says all it needs to say both in terms of those who are able to reject that route and those who take part.

Larry

So yesterday i was looking threw some old phone records and saw before my wifes affair she was making and recieving phone calls quite a bit to someone else. So of course my first instinct was she was sleeping with that guy to so i questioned her, she got all mad and defensive and said cause that was someone she ws getting pot from. She wasnt having 20 min phone clls with him heck i dont even think one was over 4 mins and they werent all day long every day, but then she told me this guy had a crush on her. But to her hes unatravtive and wouldnt do anything with him, well i find that one hard to belive knowing what she did. So now i feel like all the progression we have made or that i have made trying to deal with this was just erased.


So hers my questions, she obviously enjoys hiding things from me can she ever change or will she always be this kind of person?
Should i just drop this other guy and just move on with recovery?


This really sucks cause i do wanna be married to her but im just so tired of dealing with this crap, why cant she just open up and tell me everything if she claims she wants this marriage so badly, but by her actions yesterday i just dont know now.

Well, has she always been secretive and untrustworthy?

Have you been doing a good job of meeting her EN's?

I would be a bit concerned about a mom with 3 young ones smoking pot. What's up with that?

Does she keep the house up, cook and do things with the kids?

No i never have thought of her secretive and untrustworthy but then she had an affair. She doesnt smoke pot no more that ended when i found out about the affair i was a contributor to that since i got her started on it, and now she does cook clean and do things with the kids alot more then she ever has.

Just a guess, but from what you said it sounds as though the answer is "drug user."

One illegal usage leads to another, to another, to another...

Should it surprise you that "entitled to do whatever I want to do" might spill over into the idea of "being married" too?

Oh, that's good. Kind of scary thinking about a mom loaded all day, watching a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

Make an effort to meet her EN's, do family things together, and also spend 15 hours a week doing fun things with her. Find a sitter so that the two of you can spend some couple time.

And you might ask her what if the pot dealer WAS attractive?

"And you might ask her what if the pot dealer WAS attractive?"

Good question!

And her getting angry because you found out and asked about her calling him is not a good sign, indicates she feels entitled to IB's (Independent Behaviors) and isn't too concerned about your feelings and worry CAUSED by her deception.

I would secretly find out what ever I could about this 'pot dealer' friend she'd been calling. Don't mention him again for now, just find out what you can and post it here to get advised on whether you need to address this further with her.

Study and implement both Plan A and recovery methods.

Have her write a no contact letter to the OM, then post it here for review before YOU send it to the OM.

Start making a list of who to expose to if she gets back in contact with the OM.

I dont think she got angry cause i found out i actually now that i think about it more and more i new she was getting it from him after i was ok with her smoking again at the time, remeber this is all before the affair she has had no contact with him since like december. I think she got angry cause when i saw the phone calls i just went off accusing her of sleeping with him and telling her she is lying to me and so on so on, and she says it just makes her hopeless about are marriage when i am like that but shes fine now back to normal trying to make me as happy as can be.

Ya but i was a drug user to ive done many things wrong to and well we have been off the heavy drugs for years and we just smoked pot but i was always quiting and starting again. now i have quit for good and she has to since 5/7 that was one of the deals for me to stay and work this out there would be no more drugs or alchool in this marriage.