So about 2 weeks ago i found out my wife of 7 years has been having an affair with my best friend for the last 4 months. I have to say i havent been the best husband or father always putting my needs in front of hers and my kids. She says it started he would just talk to her and be friendly thats all she wanted but to keep him talking to her it had to go farther. I didnt really talk to her much as i was addicted to damn online games and always was on them, would get home from work and just play games untell i went to bed. Never gave her the conversation and effection she wanted. She now claims how sorry she is says it was a mistake should have never happened and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She has begged me not to leave to the point she even claims if i left she would kill herself which i think is a pitty party. I dont know how to tell if she is truly sorry and wont do it again, or what i should do at this point. I was angry at first then i think about all the wrong that i have done and i just cant get angry about it. How do i put the thoughts of what she did behind me? This is a girl you would never think would do somthing like this, but she just wanted attetion and he gave it to her.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, RC...

You have come to the best place possible to recover from an A (affair) in my experience.

On this forum, read through the top threads...for a quickstart guide, understanding about No Contact (NC) and how recovery isn't something you do to put it behind you...takes work, recognition (seems like you already got quite a bit of that) and healthy marital boundaries...which go around your behaviors/choices and hers.

Please get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley...and look in your heart to determine what you really want to do...if you want to recover or divorce...

MB isn't about saving marriages at all costs...it's about personal and marital recovery--because it is possible to do both. It's about knowing you did everything possible for your own peace of mind. And not feeling shame or loss of self-respect because you decided to stand for your marriage.

There are great, free resources here...please peruse the articles...links are to the right of your screen...Basic Concepts, about Affairs, recovery, Love Busters (LBs) and Emotional Needs (ENs). Sounds like you've already discovered her top EN of Conversation, maybe Admiration (involves attention and appreciation in that).

For your children, yourself and your marriage, you can save your marriage and having a more intimate, fulfilling, respect-filled union. Many here are experiencing just that.

I hope you'll keep posting your questions, share your thoughts and feelings, and consider the posters here friends of your marriage. In my book, you're very brave in this most painful time...

Welcome. You're not alone.

LA

rcripe

How did you find out?

No reason to make any sudden decisions.

a friend of mine told me i confronted her she admited it.

Normal to be all over the place emotionally for six months.

Did your WW send a NC letter and start NC.

How did WW meet the OM?

How did WW contact OM? This way you know how to check if there is continued contact.

No letter but she claims its completly over it wasnt her she wasnt thinking straight.
He was my best friend on top of that hes slightly related to me so he new i treated her bad, and most of the contact was on her cell phone which i had full trust in her so i never payed attetion to who she was talking. He was also an employe of mine so i paid for his phone bill to so i got those records so besides physical contact during the day when i am at work i will be able to see all others, but she does say she can care less if she ever sees him hears from him or even hears his name.

RC,

Listen to what LovingAnyway is telling you. There are great resources here and unless you want a "repeat" episode, both of you could fall easily back into your patterns of behavior and this could occur again so you need to be pro-active and work through it together. There are TONS of resources here. You're here for a reason.

Sounds like your wife has, as Dr. Harley advidly describes, a very overdrawn love bank. You haven't been making any deposits in her love bank, and likely making withdrawls with your love busters. Then, along comes the friend, and begins making deposits in her love bank, first with converstation and consideration, then affection. Her love bank with him crosses the love threshold, and lo and behold, she's in an affair.

IMHO, you should implement a generous Plan A, until you're sure she's committed to no contact with OM. This means no contact, period. This may involve changes in employment. Once all contact has ended, she'll go through withdrawal (depression, anger at you, moodiness). Hang in there, the worst is over in about a month. Then you can work on reconciliation.

I'd recommend Harley's book, "Her Needs, His Needs - How to Build an Affair-proof Marriage"

Ya i have read about the love bank and thats what she pretty much says it was like. She says she can care less if she ever sees or hears his name again was the worst mistake of her life. She claims she never wanted to leave me and doesnt want to risk me leaving now, she hasnt been angry been very loving to me, calling me all day long just to tell me she loves me and how sorry she is, begging for me not to leave, stay and try to work this out. I understand what i did to her i admit i never showed her attetion never took her places i went always did things without her and regret it my biggest part is that she had sex with someone else.

Just one word of caution:

My FWW had told me essentially the same thing several weeks after I discovered her affair. At the time, I think she was sincere about ending it. The problem is, that an infatuation (if that is what your wife had with the OM) is an addiction, literally, to another person. It's hard to break it off. An alcoholic, addicted to booze, will have to go through DT's when going dry. Drug addicts go through withdrawal when they no longer get a fix. Likewise, an infatuation is an addiction to a person, and when she can no longer have that person, she goes through the same type of withdrawal.

I found this site, and Dr. Harley's articles, shortly after my FWW told me it was over. FWW told me things like, "Whew, I'm sure glad that's over and behind us so we can start rebuilding our marriage."

But, right about then, I read Dr. Harley's article about ending the affair, which described how the WS goes through a period of withdrawal after ending the A, typically exhibiting depression, anger, etc., which should be most intense for several weeks. My FWW was not displaying any of these symptoms of withdrawal. This made me suspicion, and, upon checking phone records, discovered she had resumed calling OM. When confronted, she admitted it, saying she wanted to end it, but couldn't get him out of her head, and still wanted to see him. Some time later, we again tried NC, and this time appeared to be successful. She did exhibit withdrawal this time, often breaking down crying at the sound of a song, getting angry at me for no reason, etc., which lasted several weeks.

You said, I think, that your W's affair had been going on for 4 months. This is more than a one-night stand or one incident of poor judgment. Given her previously bankrupt love bank, and the time of the affair, I would guess that she is very much infatuated with OM. Read this to mean ADDICTED to OM! If she's not showing signs of withdrawal, I would be suspicious that she has broken off all contact with OM. She may have been sincere in her intent to end it, but ending it is just as hard as stopping smoking, and she may succumb to the cravings and re-contact the OM.

Its so hard to tell she got us in marriage counsling, she makes love to me everyday very affectionate but does not show no signs of withdrawl claims the feelings died down before the last time they were toghter. and even she didnt even wanna be with him the last time they did it just happened.

I would still be skeptical. A common phenomenon of cheating spouses is "cake eating", where they are enjoying the affection and SF from both their spouse and their paramour, and want it to continue. WS are also notorious for lying. If she is in the midst of a WS fog, she is under the influence of an infatuation addiction, and is not the same person you've previously known. My FWW said, during her infatuation, that she would look in the mirror and couldn't understand who was looking back at her. I would strongly suggest a NC commitment, and finding the means to verify it.

So yesterday i was looking threw some old phone records and saw before my wifes affair she was making and recieving phone calls quite a bit to someone else. So of course my first instinct was she was sleeping with that guy to so i questioned her, she got all mad and defensive and said cause that was someone she ws getting pot from. She wasnt having 20 min phone clls with him heck i dont even think one was over 4 mins and they werent all day long every day, but then she told me this guy had a crush on her. But to her hes unatravtive and wouldnt do anything with him, well i find that one hard to belive knowing what she did. So now i feel like all the progression we have made or that i have made trying to deal with this was just erased.


So hers my questions, she obviously enjoys hiding things from me can she ever change or will she always be this kind of person?
Should i just drop this other guy and just move on with recovery?


This really sucks cause i do wanna be married to her but im just so tired of dealing with this crap, why cant she just open up and tell me everything if she claims she wants this marriage so badly, but by her actions yesterday i just dont know now.

That's hard to say. Since my last previous post in May, I've had two new d-days where I discovered WW was still talking to OM on the phone. However, she said they just talked, no phsical meetings or sex. It also appears these have died off, as she appears to have gotten OM out of her system (coincidentally, its been just about 6 months since her A began).

As to the continual lying, that may be a part of her character. With my FWW, I discovered that many of her sisters have the same problem. As children, they had a very harsh father, who would yell at them, belittle them, and often hit them, as well as their mother, if they disagreed, diobeyed or contradicted him. He was often a tyrant. So, the women of the family, mother and daughters, learned to avoid conflict and rather deal with him by telling him what he wanted to hear, and then doing what they wanted behind his back. This has apparently carried over the my WW's relationship with me, as well as with several of her sisters and their hubbies. They hate and avoid conflict, especially anger and yelling, and will quickly tell a lie to placate the hubby, and then do want they feel necessary and justified. I think psychologists call this transference.

The two subsequent d-days occurred because she was torn and still addicted to other man. But she knew how much it upset me to know she was still talking to him. So, she says, to keep me from getting upset, she lied to me, while she worked on herself to get over the A. To her credit (but not excusing her lies), this seems to have worked, as the calls appear to have ended (unless she is in fact devious and has worked out new ways of calling him).

Once I realized this, I explained it to WW, and she realized it was true. We agreed that I would try not to raise my voice, and otherwise be as non-treatening as possible when I had a disagreement or issue with her, and she, in turn, would be open and honest with me.