I feel my SO has been punishing me with threatening to leave for some time now. I'm pretty sure it's unresolved anger for something in the past.

I'm not positive of this, but that's my instinct.

I've tried every way I can imagine to bring this up with him to no avail.

What are my options? How do I deal with his anger and punishment for a crime I'm not even sure I committed?

I have tried telling him that whatever he's angry about I will listen respectfully, try to understand and try to make it better.

Sometimes, he starts to talk to me, starts to open up then clams up in the middle of a sentence and gets very quiet and angry. Jaw clenching, looking down, fists clenched etc. I mention he seems a upset or angry and he denies it.

What can I do to make him feel safe enough to talk to me?

bump

Raven,

I hear you saying you feel punished. Does that mean he said he was punishing you?

Is he threatening to leave "If you don't do/stop doing this, I will leave"? Or is he telling you what he's thinking about?

Why do you need to know if he has unresolved anger from something in the past?


Bring what up? Your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perception? Or your assumptions? What if his feelings cannot be resolved, made better (as you promised)? What if his feelings are his? His choice to share with ownership or not is solely his own choice? Your obligation is to know and share your stuff.

What does he "start to open up" about? What's your half? What do you say to him at these times?

Are you asking him directly for O&H intimacy...where he knows and shares his stuff? Then you aren't being respectful in assuming any of his stuff needs to be resolved...respect is knowing and being known...you aren't safe if you're out to change, cure or control his stuff.

I believe you want to know...and your DJ that you're the cause, something you did in the past (is that what you meant?) of some unresolved anger in him right now doesn't make you safe. Assumptions tear down communication and relationships.

Your choice. What's your goal here? What is it you really want?

When your focus is on his anger, yours will not be seen, or traced to your own fear or pain...to your assumption that you caused him...totally abandons you and your stuff. You block your own ability to act intimately by focusing on him.

He will choose to share when he stops choosing not to share. See both of his choices. He's capable.

Has he continued contact with the red-head online?

LA

No. NO contact with the redhead. And we sat down and had a long talk about it. I misread some of the things I saw and he was able to explain them in a logical fashion.

I'm not worried about any other woman at this point.

No. he never said he was punishing me. I just FEEL that he is.

At one point he said

"i can't stand the fights any more. if they don't stop, i'll leave"

then he said

"if you stop arguing with me, I'll try to stay"

then he said

"Yes you stopped arguing and I tried. But it didn't work out. I don't want to be here anymore."

It's not direct blackmail, just felt like it. I made this HUGE effort to stop fighting and be good and meek and all that. I DID. Then after all this change and not arguing even when I should have brought up topics, I get told he's leaving anyway. Felt like a slap in the face. Yeah, you tried. But even your best isn't good enough for me. I HATE That feeling.

Oh I don't NEED to know anything. I don't NEED to know where my next meal is coming from, if i'm going to be alive tomorrow, if my children will be ok. But these are givens, usually under my control and something I like to feel good and safe about. I think that my knowing if he has some unresolved anger about us will help us understand each other. So if understanding is a prerequisite to a healthy happy relationship, yeah I need to know.

Raven,

What I'm hearing you say is because you feel punished then you are being punished.

You're a really bright woman and I don't buy that belief in you...I think that's a very old belief...I feel therefore I am.

Would you consider you choose to see his withdrawal, distancing to mean he's punishing you...then you'll feel punished...change your belief, you'll change your resulting feelings.

I learned from living this same way that I felt punished a lot by DH because I was pretty much actively earning/punishing him...a reflection gave me the experience as reality.

It wasn't.

You know it takes two people to argue (unless you think you're two people, then you can do it by yourself)...so if just one stops arguing (which is persuading someone else) and begins listening, the arguments stop.

You know this because it's been covered in a few of your threads. His final boundary enforcement IS reasonable...not an SD or a threat. However, since he could have stopped the arguments by not arguing...well, it's not a healthy boundary around you, is it? What he won't enforce around himself, he cannot around you...which is the difference between an Selfish Demand (SD) and a boundary enforcement.

Up to you to ensure YOU are in charge of your half...you don't want to argue either...you want to know and be known safely in a loving relationship...what I don't hear you accepting is the possibility your SO has the same desire.

He may not.

Listen and repeat injects respect...I recall on another of your threads you said you were doing this. Up your awareness and commitment to doing it especially in times of conflict...for instance, "I hear you saying you'll choose to stay if we stop arguing, is that correct?"

That only alters one word...his word "try" to "choose"...makes a difference.

What the heck is good and meek? Sounds like betraying yourself and your relationship, acting like a martyr and living in fantasy to me...damaging to the marriage.

Communicating IS part of the relationship...safe communication is the goal...there's no arguing...there's knowing and being known...nothing unsafe about that. Learning to strive to understand then be understood negates arguing totally.

You can call that good if you want; it's real and respectful and totally your choice to do or not do...because of who you are, not as what he may or may not see you as.

Again, your DJs are horrendous. Your choice to stab yourself is really hard to watch. He keeps saying he's leaving and he doesn't...help him leave...pack him out and move him out...accept his choice...write out a business contract of employment to clarify his role in the business, what he's required to do and not do, and what the penalties are for it...and respect and honor his decision to leave.

You have extreme arrogance making his leaving about you--when you KNOW it's his choice, about him not choosing to not argue, to listen, to grow and act from his commitment instead of his feelings...then you won't have the resulting feelings you do.

They are from you, about you...he's not doing them to you, 'k?

You actually slapped yourself when you bought into your actions making him choose...when he just chooses, Raven, like you do. Your power is yours; his is his; you're both limited to yourselves.

Same for all of us. When you really focus on your own responsibility to knowing and owning YOUR stuff, then you'll let go of owning his...see clearly where he chooses, not based on you.

Free yourself to experience reality...this fantasy you both have going is harmful, frustrating and slaps you both in the face...

LA

i HAVE suggested he leave, any time he wants.
He insists he doesn't want to hurt me any more.
I told him it hurts me more to have him here and act like a zombie.
He still refuses to leave.

So My plan needs to include having this painful reminder / zombie around 24/7 and not have it bother me or affect me.