Hi everyone,

I've been single and divorced now nearly 2 years. For a couple months this summer I was with a girl and in a relationship. She is 23 and I'm 33. We live about 3.5 hours apart so it was a distance relationship.

At first, things were really good. Things got physical right away and it was fantastic. I enjoyed laughing with her, hanging out, etc. But as time progressed, I realized the communication was not good at all on her part, and the maturity, self confidence, esteem, were all very low and lacking. This all stems from very stern parents and a 5 year relationship in which there was some emotional abuse and some physical I believe. But she is a good girl, has God as her center, etc. Her heart is in the right place, and I really, really do like that.

I did break it off a few weeks ago because I realized that the connection was not 100% there for me. I know what that feels like to have full connection since I had that in my past. It devastated her, she was practically begging me for her back. In a way, that was a bit of turn off too.

But now I know she would like to take me back and I really do kinda want to be with her, but the thing is...I am nearly 100% sure it would not be for a long term relationship. It would be more for companionship, sex, friendship, laughter, etc.

So my ultimate question is this...

Do you, or should you, date someone that you know you most likely would not marry or have a long term relationship (gut feeling) with or is it best to just be alone and single, and wait for the next one to come along?

Thoughts?

To me, your post looks like you're seeking permission to do something that you had already decided is wrong.

Yes, I guess in many ways you are right.

I think I just miss the companionship, etc. and that is what makes it hard...to know she is there, and willing to be back with me. I have to really self-examine WHY I REALLY want to go back...is it just for the physical stuff, because I'm afraid I won't find someone that is better, etc. All these things.

I guess if I have any doubts, it probably isn't right.

I don't believe in much of the rote, dogmatic approach that many people here advise. A lot of the recommendations here feel like a by the numbers approach that don't always apply to individual circumstances, and they don't always account for the differences and variables in different sorts of relationships and marriages. For instance, I don't put much stock in the "1 year alone for every 5 years of marriage" standard that some hold to. If that's what they choose for themselves, then fine. But I also think that much of the textbook approach to recovery is a comfort to those who find themselves in very scary and unpredictable circumstances like separation, divorce, and post-d recovery.

That said, one thing that I do think holds a lot of value and could be adhered to by everybody is the belief that we shouldn't seek out a relationship to avoid being alone. Loneliness, or the fear of loneliness, is the absolute WORST reason for seeking out a relationship.

Choose to be with somebody because you enjoy being with that person. Don't choose to be with somebody just because they're available and willing.

It doesn't sound to me like you really enjoy being with this woman, so much as she assuages your own insecurities about being alone.

In my experience, a confident man who is overtly comfortable being by himself, is far more attractive to emotionally healthy women than looks, or money. Part of making them feel safe is making them know and understand that you want to be with them, not that you need to be with them. This is a very subtle, yet crucial distinction.

"I've been single and divorced now nearly 2 years. For a couple months this summer I was with a girl and in a relationship."

How long were you married?

Why did you get divorced?

Do you have any children?

And you already know it's not right to use somebody for sex when they want more from a relationship, right?

Yes, and I don't want to use her for just for sex, or to have someone to "occupy the space" of loneliness. I just can't do that. But I will be honest, those things DO tempt me heavily, I will admit. But no, I'm not like many men who will just stay with girls to have sex with them. I really do want the full deal.

As for my past...

I was with my ex-wife for 5 years, married for 3 years. We divorced in August of '06. She said she felt lonely later in the marriage due to the fact that I did not do social things with her, was not really emotionally there like I should have been etc. But, during these times, I was dealing with a chronic pain issue that took my focus away from her. It also caused major anxiety, etc. I take full blame for what I did and feel bad for not making her feel more important than I did. We were separated for 6 months during the end so she could have "space to think about things". I was on this site constantly and did all the things...I gave her space, did not add pressure, was supportive and loving, etc. In any case, I found out she was seeing an ex bf and we ended up divorcing...she got pregnant and married to this guy all within 8 months. It devastated me, and so now, nearly 2 years later...I'm just getting back to dating. I had to heal, BIG time. Luckily, we had no kids.

Hi Paul,

Just want to point out another side you may not have thought about. You said this girl was upset, crying, begging, etc. when you broke up with her. What do you think she will be like if you start dating again and then break up, which is inevitable? Do you want to be responsible for seeking pleasure at the cost of another human being's emotional stability? She is very young Paul, this could be traumatic for her.

There are many women out there for you Paul. As hard as it may be, keep lookin' fella!

-Good luck!

Shattered,

Yes, I've also thought of that. When I broke it off, it was the worst feeling in the world to break her heart. I hated that, and I don't want to do that again...but in all likelihood, if I go back, that will happen simply because I don't see it as a long term thing.

I think I'm starting to answer my own questions and doubts.

To me, there is no point in a physical relationship that does not end in marriage. This is the appropriate ending.

If you do not believe it will go there, then let her go. It is only fair to her and you both.

It doesn't all stem from stern parents and a bad 5-year relationship. She's 23. Most 23 year old are immature compared to 33 year olds. They don't have a lot of self-confidence, and they have limited experience in serious relationships that require them to develop communication skills. It's alos very likely that at 23 she hasn't grown into herself yet.

So, I vote "no" on going back to her. Also, it's a long-distance relationship. Those are problematic at best.

"At first, things were really good. Things got physical right away and it was fantastic."

Not being ugly - but you can't let sex be what gets a relationship going "fantastic" in the first place. Even Dr. Harley says that once you let sex in on the picture, it clouds your logic on why you would want to be with a person. It also makes it devastating to the person that gets "left behind" if the relationship doesn't "pan out".

You said you've been divorced/single for 2 yrs and you're just getting back out there in the field so to speak. Hard as it is from time to time, quit worrying about whether you'll find someone else. You will. I'm 42 and I've been divorced/single working on 5 yrs now. I was engaged to someone for a year and had to force myself to go ahead and break it off with him due to his addiction, and abuse and control. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do (besides let my kids suffer consequences for their behavior). I was scared to death I would never find anyone else. That was back in March 07. Since then I've turned down a number of guys for reasons that were quite easy to spot, and just broke off the only relationship that I've had at all since march of last year. It does get easier.

You're only 33 -- You've got plenty of good years left in you!! Of course I do remember being single and turning 30 - I thought it was the end of the world. Boy did I have a lot to learn!! (still do I'm sure)

I'm 42 and think more of myself now than I ever have in my entire life before! 10 years ago I would never have had the backbone to walk away from a bad relationship. I thank God daily that now I do. I also thank Him for all Dr. Harley has taught me about how to begin a relationship in a healthy way.

Grab some of his books like Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders; and maybe go ahead with either Fall in Love, Stay in Love or His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. You'll be one up on how things actually work in a relationship and have a better chance of starting off in a healthy way next time.

If you're lonely, do what I'm doing: find some group or organization to help fill up your time alone and work on building friendships. I know it doesn't take the place of a life long partner (soulmate we women have been accused of calling them). But it will help fill the time until you become "the right one" and then meet "the right one" You might not even know it at first when the right one comes along - but you'll have a lot better chance of "pulling the weeds out of the garden" and having it be full of what you are aiming for!!

Good Luck!
RMW

Wow, fantastic points said by all. I REALLY appreciate the info for sure. This whole short relationship was sure a learning experience...was more of a crash and burn relationship. It started hot and heavy, and not on good foundations in the first place. I guess it was God's way of testing me, etc.

RWM, thank you for sharing your story as well. It gives me hope that I will find that one, or at least have time, etc. The LAST thing I want to do is settle in a relationship. I will save that for when I'm in a rest home at 90. LOL Just kidding.

Thank you all for your posts, opinions, and insights. Spot on stuff and it makes my decision to move forward much, much easier.

THANK YOU!

Hey Paul,
That's what we're here for!! Why ya think I'm addicted to this place even though I'm not even dating anyone right now?? Just helps me see there are others out there just like me! Too bad Dr. H doesn't have a dating site anymore!!

I'm from an area right by Ft. Rucker, AL and most of the guys you see come through here are real jerks!! They're either TDY, or arrogant little jerks that think they make the world spin! I know - I married one of the yyyyyears ago. Thank God he cheated on me when I was only 22 and we split by the time I was 23! that's okay - 19 yrs and 2 marriages later he finally found one that's a doctor and she knows how to put her foot down on him!

Anyway - that's what we're all here for - supporting each other through the rough times, whacking each other in the head when we do something stupid, and cheering each other on when things are going good!!

Keep the Faith!
That's what God gave it to you for!!

Best Wishes,
RMW

I absolutely agree with RMW.

If it's just companionship you're missing, joining an interest group will be more rewarding -- you make new friends from all age groups, develop new skills, gain new knowledge, go out in groups or pairs -- all without the complications of a relationship.

You'll also learn to enjoy your own company and feeling lonely once in a while isn't too bad a thing. A relationship requires work. That special someone deserves sincerity and honesty.