First I would never allow her to contact him. I know the closure thing is BS.

Should a NC letter still be sent now?

How do you suggest protecting myself? I can monitor her cell phone. I don't have access to email yet.

How would you go about "not allowing" her to contact him? If it were that easy, none of us would even be here. Whether she contacts him or not is not something YOU are going to be able to control....SHE has to decide to establish NC, not you.

I meant to say I would never allow her to see him. I felt like my previous post came across like I believed that she needed closure and that would come from seeing him.

I realize I can't stop her from contacting him. She still says they have had NC and for now I can't prove anything. I am just trying not to get upset when she is having her bad days.

I was able to see my WW email this weekend. I figured out what her password was. She had used our daughters name for her password before for other things and now she just added a birth date to the end. So anyways I was not able to find anything from him or to him in there. She never deletes the history on the computer, she is not very good with computers, I don't think she even knows the web browser keeps track. So therefore I have never seen that she has gone to other email services. I have been watching where she goes for a while.

My WW and I had a good weekend together. We got a sitter for the girls on Saturday and went out to dinner and then just hung there out for a few hours after and played some games. We bought a jigsaw puzzle on Friday night and spent a couple hours each night working on that after the girls were in bed. So we got some good time in together. I felt like she enjoyed our time together.

At one point this weekend we talked about OM. I don't remember how it came up. Most of the things the other WW's say from these boards she has said to me.

She told me.

It is scary how much OM and her have in common. It is like he is the female version of her.

She doesn't understand why they can't just be "friends".

I can't remember the rest now. I wanted to write them down so I could post them. But it was more crap like that. I just listened to her, didn't do and LB's. He was the topic for maybe 10 minutes and then we moved on.

I had said in a previous post that my wife has been really short with me for the past few days. As of Friday she has been better the past couple days. I'm sure she will be back. She told me the reason she thinks she has been that way to me is that she blames me for not being able to talk to OM again.

WW did some individual counseling before we started our MC together. When WW finally confessed to everything she talked about how it was an addiction and that she knew it wasn't real. She had gotten all of that from her counseling. Now our MC thinks that WW may be depressed. WW has an appointment with our MC alone on Thursday to discuss this.

As far as I can find WW has not had contact with OM. I'm not going to take her work or the fact that I can't find any proof that it hasn't happened. She lied and snuck around in the past. I am going to keep looking.

Maybe because it hurts her husband?!?!

I'd print out a copy of your marriage vows and hand them to her highlighting the "forsake all others" part!

She had mentioned something they had talked about after she said she didn't understand why they couldn't be friends. It was something about how much they have in common and some inappropriate comments I can't post here. I said do you think that would be good for our marriage to have a friend who you talk to like that. She didn't have an answer for that. I think she realizes why she can't have OM in her life but it seems she really wants to have him still. I hope this will pass in time if they maintain NC.

WW told me tonight that she doesn't want OM. She said he isn't what she wants but she says she knows what she wants now. She wants someone who is what she built him up to be.

How do I get through times like this? I don't know what to say to her when she tells me this stuff.

Ignore it.

Once she get's through w/drawals the fog will clear.

Do you know what her top ENs are?

I do know what her top ENs are. I am doing everything I can to meet those but it is hard when she says things like that. I start to lose my desire to meet her needs.

Do you take to heart what a falling down drunk says?

Then why take to heart what your foggy WW says?

This sounds perfectly ridiculous to me.---->

That is a pretty good way to put it. She really has been all over the place the past few weeks.

I will just brush those statements off and continue to meet her needs.

She is meeting with our MC alone on Thursday. I'm not sure what will come of that. The MC wants to meet with her about depression but my WW has convinced herself that it's because she knows what she wants and just hasn't done anything about it. In other words she doesn't want to be married anymore and in my opinion she doesn't have the balls to leave. I haven't told her that of course I just listen.

I will try and not take her crap personally.

It's amazing what stupid crap waywards will make up in an effort to avoid admitting THEY SCREWED UP.

Give her time.

Let her get through W/drawals.

When she says something that cuts you, come here and tell us.

Vent to us.

Keep trying to meet her TOP ENs, avoid love busters and take care of YOU.

You will make it!

I had asked her tonight if she had fun this weekend. She said that she has fun spending time and doing stuff with me. She said she wants to have the desire and passion to be with me. After reading Love Busters and HNHN and SAA I really believe that feeling can come back. I know I have to wait for her to get through the withdrawals.

Her Mom bought us Love Busters. WW hasn't read it, I picked it up after it sat around the house for a couple weeks. At the time I didn't know about OM or that anything was really wrong with my marriage. WW had expressed concern about our marriage but I thought spending time together would fix everything. I had no idea where she was with her feelings towards us.

I bought HNHN and SAA and have read them both. I really find comfort and confidence in these book and the MB methods. I really wish I could get WW to read one of these books. She refuses to read them. I send her articles once in a while when I find them. She said she will read those, they don't take as much time as a whole book. I feel our marriage is worth taking the time to read a book but she doesn't feel that way. Do any of you have any advice on how or if I can get WW to read some of this stuff.

I have seen how other BS and WS are both posting on here. Do you think that is a good idea?

I'm sorry, NN, but R will take time. And lots of patience on your part.

It can't be rushed.


NO!!!

Not yet.

She hasn't committed to your R yet.

You need to keep this place... this thread free from her eyes.

For now.

Patience, NN.

Here's a list of Do's and Don't's that Mr. W brought here...

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

I have a question about my WW relationship with her friend. This friend is female and they have been friends since high school. They didn't talk to each other for a few years of that time, but became friends again a few years before our marriage.

When WW met OM she was with this friend on vacation. After talking with OM for a couple months this friend started talking with OMs friend. WW and her friend were both convinced for awhile that they had everything in common with OM and his friend. Her friend stopped talking to OMs friend after he found a girlfriend. WW continued talking to OM as is my story.

WW friend became very unhappy in her M. WW was always there listening to her friend. It was around this time when I had D-day 1. Shortly after D-day1 WW was asking me for a separation and all the other WW crap that they say. This was back in November 2007. After D-day 2 I found out that WW friend was allowing WW to use her phone and she was kind of the middle man between WW and OM. She told WW she wasn't doing anything wrong since they were just talking.

WW and her friend are on the phone all day long. WW works from our home so I can check to see how often her friend has called. She calls WW 5-8 times during the work day on average. According to the cell phone log they contact each other a couple more times during lunch. This friend has now asked her H for a divorce. She hasn't filed papers though, I don't think she has the balls to do it. She said to WW once that if you leave your husband I know I would be able to leave mine.

I almost feel as though my wife is having a affair with her friend. This friend takes up time that we can spend together. The friend calls and asks WW to go out every couple days when she doesn't have her kids. The friend allowed her to continue her A. The friend isn't a friend of our marriage.

Am I being paranoid that they spend so much time together? The don't get together as much as they did during the A but they talk just as much.

WW and I had a bad night last night. I am trying not to fall into the crap about her not feeling anything for me. She asked me last night if I thought we should continue with our MC. I had made a comment the other day about what I wanted from our MC. WW saw that as I didn't want to go anymore. WW would be fine with not going, she doesn't think it's doing any good. NC with OM has only been going since the beginning of June so in my opinion we haven't had enough time with MC without OM in the picture.

WW sent me any email this morning.

I don't know what to tell you about trying, I'm just trying to be honest with where I'm coming from. I wish I could be happy but I'm just not. I know you think I'm not trying but I am I can't change how I feel. I understand that it once was there, I just think to much damage has been done and I've come to realize so many things I just don't know if we can get back what we had.

I will reply to the email but won't address this stuff. Is this normal for a WW.

WW spends most of her time with her friends. I am having trouble getting 15 hours of time with her. She tells me she can be herself with her friends but can't with me. I don't understand that statement, other than her and her friends act like they are 21 again. Wanting to go to the bars and all.

Sounds as if NC is being broken.

Single party friends have to go.

Withdrawal can take 6 months. Going out with friends is not going to help you and her recover.

How do I get her to stop hanging out with her party friends? She thinks they are supporting her.

I am able to access everything on the computer, so I know there WW is not contacting OM there. Our cell phone I can look at online. I have not been able to find any contact, allow I do feel that there has been contact. I just can't find proof now. I continue to look.

Since she wants to spend more time with friends than me now, should I push for more time with her? I want to set up a night or two a week where we have some time together alone for dinner or just having a couple drinks.

I don't think I should be allowing her to spend so much time with them but I don't know how to stop it.

That's a hard place to be in and unfortunately for me I think I am on my way there with you.

You are screwed either way. If you don't ask her to stop going out she keeps going out and the more she finds solace outside the marriage, the less she will want to find it with you.

On the other hand if you even ask her to tone it down a bit she will view that as you taking her friends away.

In my opinion a bar full of single drunk people is no place for a married person to be unless they are there with their spouse and even then it seems like there are better places you could go than to hang out with the drunk college crowd.

My WW works from home. She called me this afternoon to tell me that her pay is going to decrease because her work has not been good enough to keep up. She gets paid on performance, no sales just sitting at a computer processing insurance claims. This is the second time this year her pay has gone down.

One of her party friends has been unhappy in her marriage since my WW has been. This friend called our house to talk to WW 12 times during the work day yesterday, there are always at least 5 calls from this friend. I cannot get my WW to stop spending so much time with this friend. Now I feel this friend is affecting my WW work performance.

In the past WW was talking to OM on her work phone and that may be going on now. I haven't been able to get into WW work computer to see. She showed me the phone log when I asked to see it but that doesn't mean much to me. She may have just deleted the calls knowing I have been looking around.

This is really more just getting this crap out there so I don't go home and argue with WW about this. I don't know how to address this.