Ok..I'm not sure to begin so here's my story. I'm 38, dh is 40- we've been married for 10 years,together for 14 and have 2 kids 6 and 3. My dh and I are in the lifestyle..which means we're swingers. We did it before we got married...and continued to do it up until a few months ago. I put my foot down and told him I'm done with it all. I've never really been into it (getting dressed up like a whore, paraded around at clubs picking up people to have sex with while he watches). He has told me in the past that being in the lifestyle is a deal breaker for him..we were swingers before we got married so I knew what i was getting myself into. I've pretty much been sucking it up until I met a guy at work I wanted to have sex with. My dh was all into it- until I started having feelings for the guy.

We started by just flirting....and I told him that my husband wanted to watch us have sex. I kinda got into the whole lifestyle thing with OM- and he said that if we were to physically be together..it would be for me, not for dh. Me and OM started texting a lot and IM'ing..and of course dh got mad. I cut off all outside of work contact with OM but when I'm at work dh still texts me and asks me if I'm excited and wet and if I can send him a picture of me and OM doing sexual things together.

It all came to a head and I told dh I'm done with swinging...and I'm not going to do it anymore. We spent many nights over many bottles of wine talking about our past and future. DH revealed to me that he's had his share of sex without me in the past- and is still in contact with a few of them (but since he doesn't reciprocate their feelings- its OK).

I'm not sure that our marriage can survive- he seems to be on one planet while I'm on another. We even went on vacation this week..and even after I told dh I'm done- he still got into a situation with 2 of the girls we were on vacation with AND got one of the single girls phone number. He said having sex with her is not nearly at hurtful as what I did to him (having actual feelings for another man).

At this point he said a marriage counselor isn't going to change the way I feel or his feelings.....so why bother. I feel like I'm finally finding out who I am as a person- and its not what he's looking for in a spouse (he tells me how boring I am and I never want to have any fun meaning I never want to have other people in our bed). Right now I just want a normal, vanilla relationship and I'm not sure if he can be that person.



I've been on the boards for a while reading- this is my first post. Anyone have any insight for me?

Wow,

I have NO UNDERSTANDING or idea of the life you would have lead. I'm sorry you are in pain.

You BOTH obviously have issues to deal with.

Where to start, I am not qualified to tell you. But if you are truly willing to look at yourself and work through things it can only go up,right?

Have you tried sex addicts anonymous? I would go check their website out for useful information.

What marriage?

You're just a couple of pigs rutting!

I feel sorry for your children. Is there any way you can bring yourself to give them up to a real family?

Gee thanks for your helpful post. I feel SO much better having opened up to someone like you.

You're welcome.

What's this say about saving your marriage?

Yanno....for someone who spouts off about not judging people you're doing a piss poor attempt of it. YOU should NOT be judging me.

I put it out here so maybe someone could help me..even if its to tell me to run for a divorce lawyer or run to a counselor or run to a SA meeting. I do NOT need snarky comments.

LI...

Here's the tough questions....

if you seperate and or divorce...what risk does that put your children in to being exposed to multiple other women in their lives when with their dad????

that would be my biggest fear/concern......

you did consent to this...
and while you certainly have the right to change your mind..
he has the right to continue to do so...

can you stay married and let him swing with out you....

and really is it fair to tell him he has to be done because you are done.,...

these are the hard questions you have to ponder and turn around in your head....

base decisions on what is safest for the kids...

you quit swinging

you stay with husband

he can swing

as long as the home remains intact and a loving environment...

could you live with that....the least of all the other evils,,,,

personally I would be more afraid to hand over my childrenunsupevised to someone who is so cavalier about intimacy...


kind of like keep your friends close and your enemies closer...
not that hubby is your enemy...but he does stand to put the kids at some greater risk alone than with you there

ark

I'm judging your actions, not you.

OK, I'll try and help.

What's the status with your boyfriend?

This is HORRIBLE advice!!!!

There can be no "loving environment" under those conditions!

What's she to tell her kids when they ask "Where's daddy"

"Oh honey, he's out screwing strangers"?!?!?!?!

oh my friend iam...

believe me I think it is horrible as well

but the option of divorce...
where there are consenting adults...

puts the children at even greater risk..in theory...in being put to bed while daddy SWINGS in the living room.....

what he is doing is not agains the law....

but the risk of him exposing the children is GREATER if mom who doesn't swing isn't there than if she is...

he will get 50 50 of the kids...
and then 50% of the time they are at 'risk'
in theory

so as horrible as it may be...

staying and keeping dad out swinging....but home for the kids when he must be.....

seems a lot worse than needing a drink of water in the middle of night...and find daddy a little too busy in the living room...that if daddies out but mommy atleast can attend to the needs of a three and six year old...

ark

I don't know that mommy is any better.

Who know's what kind of parties were had while the little ones were asleep!

God this makes me sick. I hope this is some sick troll!

What you have here is a deal breaker. You both agreed to an open marriage. Now you do not.

What were the rules. Was either of you allowed to go have fun without telling the other on. If not then your H is a WH because he just now admitted to banging OW in secret.

If WH will not let you stop him from banging OW. Then WH should not be able to tell you that you can not bang OM at work.

Tell WH if he won't keep it in his pants then you won't keep your pants on.

Then tell WH being that there are unequal dating rules that there needs to be a 6 month break from swinging. Where you can re evaluate what you both want out of life.

Then tell WH that the both of you need counciling and I suggest that you call up the Harley's of this site.

Limommy,

You're obviously crying out for help so I'll try but it won't be pretty.

Hon, your marriage is built on sand. Perhaps you're beginning to see that. You deserve so much more. You should feel cherished, safe and protected. But right now, finding another person or being with another person is the LAST thing you should be doing.

You need to get yourself straightened out first and find out why you felt okay with allowing yourself to be traded off. Why you were willing to allow the man you love to give himself intimately to another person. Sex between a man and wife is so much more than just the physical act. ANY sex is creating a soul tie. Think about how many people you and your husband have tied yourselves to in this way.

You guys are passing on a horrible legacy to your children.

Seriously, barring a miracle, I don't see your husband changing his mind. If you don't want to participate in "the lifestyle" anymore then make a clean break.

Get yourself in counseling, in church. Start healing. Start teaching your children good morals.

You don't stand a chance of happiness unless you do.

iam

there are millions of people on this planet lost and confused over and about God's gift of human sexuality,,,,
ain't nothing new under the sun

garuntee you one thing...

name calling

shaming

won't work and and won't help

never has
never will

ark

Well a 2x4 is better than 'suck it up, let it continue and raise your kids in that environment'.

well I believe she got her own two by four...cause she is no longer in to swinging....

so why beat a dead horse...

the question is where does she go from here...

I say make only moves that keep the children 10000000000000% protected....

that should be the most weighed upon decision maker....


not the ick factor

but the children's well being factor....

ark

First off.....my kids are NOT around when any of this takes place. They sleep at their grandparents house when we go out. I would NEVER expose my kids to something like this.

Second...I don't appreciate being called a troll. I'm here looking for advice..not to be bashed. I'm at the end of my rope and I need help. DH and I are going around in circles so I wanted to post here for advice.

Thank you so much. Yes, I am beginning to see that my relationship isn't nearly as deep as I had thought it was. If he can't chose a monogamous life with me..then I don't really want to be with him. I don't want to be used anymore. I guess I put up with quite a bit- but I'm done being someone else. I want to be me, in a loving home with someone who wants to be with ME not use me as sex bait.

If he won't come to counseling with me..I'll go alone.

What's the status with the boyfriend?

I work with him one day/week for 3 hours. No contact outside of work.