I mean, is he the 'fall back' if things don't work out?

No. I'd rather be alone than to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I guess it just took me having a crush on him to bring things with dh to a head. The LAST thing I need right now is another man in my life.

I want to offer you my apologies LImom.

I'm extremely sensitive about both children in abusive environments and women being used.

My wife went through both. To hear someone say they AGREED to this type of relationship just sets my blood boiling.

That still does not give me cause to take it out on you.

I'm sorry.

The children's well being factor would be no more exposure to "the lifestyle" at all, whether it's mommy OR daddy doing it. Not only are their children exposed to immoral and risky behavior but there is the possibility of sexual abuse or otherwise by any of the "partners" brought in from outside the marriage.

She wants out. I say good for her. Get the kids out of it too by keeping them away from "the lifestyle".

Apology accepted. Its difficult to explain to someone how you could willingly let your spouse have sex with other people. I guess I've been doing it so long with my dh I had become numb to it. I'm taking my life back now. I'm just not sure he's part of it. I guess its his decision to make.

Are you still living together? Is there any way he would leave? You may need to seriously consider getting you and your kids out. But please, don't involve another man in this right now, until you figure out what to do. K? Your kids are going to be confused enough if you guys do separate.

there is no doubt that you and your husband lived a long time with warped ideas and perceptions about sex..

it is important that if you really want change...

then you need to be patient and loving...

you have lived this way for years....and I garuntee you several years ago no one could have told you to just quit...


you gotta look at he big picture of what you desire....

if you desire a monogomous relationship with him...then you need a plan

and loads of patience...

cause you didn't get here over night...
so it isn't going away over night...

you are going to have create a loving plan in which the idea of staying in and engaging with you and the family unit outweighs the act of meaningless sex...

is it possible

yep lots of people 'used' to do lots of things that were completely counterproductive to a marriage

and now they don't

but there are not garuntees


so here's the thing
drop all expectations and requests that he stop for a time being and work on all the issues on your side of the street

no one likes change...even really really smart and good change...

are you religious and do you have any religious connections to help you...

ark

Yes, we're still living together. I can't afford the house by myself- and I'm the one that wants to leave so I would. I know what pisses me off is the fact that we had the talk about not fooling around with anyone...and last week we were on vacation and the first chance he got to be with someone else, he took it. It was a total slap in the face to me........AND she put her number into his cell phone. I asked him why he was keeping it. He says he doesn't know. I'm not stupid. I know why he's keeping it.

I almost feel that I've put up with so much already the damage is SO done. I've been telling him for YEARS that I want out. I've just recently put my foot down- and look where it got me. I know I deserve so much more. God..my parents would be SO upset if they knew half of what my marriage was.

As you know, I'm in complete disagreement with Ark on your situation.

You absolutely should not demean yourself any more by allowing your husband to treat you as a doormat as Ark is advising.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! Make him leave.

Stop all sexual contact with him immediately. Have yourself checked by a doctor.

Has he done anything illegal with this behavior? Any one underage? Unwilling?

IAM

she chose and consented to swing...

she wasn't forced in to it
she wasnt't lied to about it..

she engaged
planned and condoned...

amongst consenting adults who all were upfront with what exactly was going on...

you can't claim victimship to something that you yourself particpated willingly in.....
crickie he told her long before they hit the altar and said I do

is her husband a demon because he veiws sex as an act without value or intimacy...


I never said be treated as doormat....

I said approach this lovingly...

go ahead and go at this guy with guns blazing..
with name calling
accusations flying
demeaning and demanding..

and this whole power keg that two adults created of the BOTH their actions will blow sky high...

with the children as coveniant bouncy toys between the two war camps.....

I said if you want your husband to change approach him lovingly...

she has lots of choices one way it to learn to teach someone who never ever ever in their lives knews or understood the value of true intimacy what it means.....or what it is....

or we can slay him

swingers do this within a whole universe of consenting adults...

with rules
and condoms
and all kinds of crazy ideas....

swingers are consenting
ADULTS

with a totally different philosophy of fidelity and different defintions of a marriage...and intimacy


it's not like the police are going to arrest them...(especially the ones on the force who swing)....

safe sex is the 'rule' though I am sure that there are those that bend those rules....

consenting adults...

very very sad all of it....

but her husband doesn't need a two by four...he actually needs deprograming as does she as to what a healthy loving sexual relationship looks and acts like.....

this a thought pattern bigger than black and white affairs...since they never did value fidelity or agree to it in the first place.....

though someone made a good point about what their ground rules were on swinging and one on one partners...and the idea of both taking a so many months time out....very good advice....

a good pro-marriage counselor would work at ground zero on the deeper pyschological issues of swinging and not knee jerk it in to a war zone of disgust....

I realize Iam I making you mad ...which I am not trying to do...
I realize the idea of swinging repulses you
but in some ways atleast swingers are truthful and up front about what the deal is....rather than infidels...

this is ugly and bad....
but it can change

people can learn to value things they never did before

ark

You can post until you're fingers bleed and I would NEVER agree with you.

Because they agreed to swing does not mean that one partner cannot change their mind. He can choose to change with her or still swing. She can then choose stay and try to change him 'lovingly' or kick his a$$ to the curb. I vote the latter.

These kids don't need to grow up seeing their father treat their mother like crap.

I never said she couldn't change he mind...

I think it's fantastic she did

she can't MAKE him change his...
no one can

but be aware....
kicking his a$$ to the curb...will get joint custody...and fifty percent of the childrens time on this earth will be soley with a person who does like to swing....and may blur those lines of healthy exposure....

and there for put those children CHILDREN at greater risk of exposing to some not so OK stuff....

that's mostly what I am saying....

like she said the children have never been exposed to any part of swinging...

left in the hands of dad who is still swinging the risk becomes greater...

that is all I am saying....

one can always try to keep the family unit together for set amount of time...and see if this can't be worked out....
well isn't the exact advice of plan A and marriage builders for infidels....

this isn't that much different in that aspect

and probably was a lot more up front with communication that any under ground affair...

ark

Yes, if the BS can handle the affair continuing under their nose. Personally, I'd never recommend it. It reeks of doormat.

And you do not know if custody would be 50-50. In NY it could easily be 2 weekends a month and two weeks in the summer with alternating holidays.

Ark makes a good point that swinging was an agreement and that your husband is "entitled" to continue in that lifestyle.

But I disagree that this means you should suck it up or that the best option is to stay in the relationship.

I'd be filing for divorce and filing for 100% custody and keeping the children safe from that sick situation.

That would also include YOU swearing off men until you can deal with the mental illness that made you think swinging was a valid lifestyle.

I a true champion of plan A have never ever ever told anyone to suck it up ever

or

am definitely telling anyone to stay

I have always be pro plan something....

I have several times asked what it is the poster wants

suggested she weigh in on the reality of the safest thing for the children

think of what she wants long term...etc etc etc

this situation is equal in foulness of affairs....

and yet in affairs

we encourage plan a which is allllllllllllllllllll about negotiating ending contact with OP...or in this case OPs

this is no more or no less disgusting that any warping of human sexuality....

note I also always said no sexual contact till testing complete on both sides...

this situation may even be less threatening to children in the sense that consenting swingers don't want the individual ....
they want the thrill of the it all

I am not defending swinging
I am not declaring she should/must stay

I am offering humble advice in viewing how to best keep lines of communication open for the safety of all involved...

I garuntee villifying these acts..will set off a war...

swinging triggers only great sadness in how lost souls must be to engange in something and twist it in to of something value....

get beyond the disgust...and see people truly hurting deeply...

ARK^^