I have followed this site for some time, but this is my 1st post. I have a long, crazy (sorry) tale to tell with a new twist that I would appreciate insight into (esp. from the ladies here). Thank you for reading…

Background: I met my xW in 1993 and well fell head-over-heels for each other in literally 2 dates. We became inseparable best friends and lovers within a month, dated, and were married in 1995—it was the “real deal”. She worshipped me and I adored her. We were married until 7/07 (no kids). In the latter few years we drifted apart, largely because of my own doing. She was intensely devoted to me and I gradually failed to meet her ENs, too many LBs, not enough LDs, etc…you all know the sad, sad drill. Needless to say, I loved her completely but failed to SHOW IT enough and ignorantly had NO IDEA that she was slowly slipping into the full “withdrawal state”. She, by her own tearful admission now, failed to communicate her ENs to me effectively and instead re-doubled her efforts to be the dutiful wife cause she was trying to impress me and was fearful that “I was getting tired of her and would leave.” Of course, no such thing was ever going to happen, I was utterly loyal to her and didn’t realize how insecure she was on the inside about my love for her—sad and crazy stuff…

Crisis: She separated from our home in 7/06 having “lost her love” and said all the same things you hear all walk-away’s say—“I love you but I’m not in love with you”, “I have lost my feelings and can’t get it back”, “It’s too late now”, etc. I made all the mistakes most left-behind spouses make—crying, begging, apologizing, promising, acting needy & desperate—I was heartbroken and ashamed of having neglected her and taken our M for granted for so long. She agreed to counseling and we also attended 2 marriage seminars together to (in her words) “see if I can give myself back to you—no promises, I have been hurt so deeply”. Well, that was all useless. She didn’t LISTEN to anything said, her “wall” was so high and she merely fluctuated between utter withdrawal and painful anger…finally cutting me off completely by hanging up the phone, not answering calls, refusing to spend any time together etc.

Divorce: She filed in 1/07 and I was told by her lawyer to have no contact with her other than to negotiate a settlement agreement (done in 2/07). Not unexpectedly, I discovered in 1/07 that she had secretly become involved with OM. He was a work acquaintance, much older, married, and going through his 3rd D (his 3rd W had filed on him in 9/07). Many months later she told me that she had been “lonely” and was commiserating with him for “companionship” during our crisis and “it just happened although I wasn’t looking for a R.” Best I can tell, they started hanging out in 8-10/06, a friendship became an EA and then a full PA by the time she decided to file. She immediately moved in with him as he was S from his 3rd W (usual rationalizations abounded: “you broke your vows 1st”, “God wants me to be happy”, etc.). Needless to say, full “fog” was present—we are both Christian believers and this is something she would NEVER had become involved with under “normal circumstances”…totally out of character for her. I exposed the A to her (out-of-town) family [everyone else in-town knew already, I found out from them]—caused angry rebuttals as expected but nothing else. Her father, whom she had a strained R with anyway, was the only one to my knowledge who expressed his firm disapproval on moral grounds--she angrily cut him off too. We had no contact beyond 2/07 and the legal D was finalized in 6/07. I was devastated and heartbroken.

Since D: I gradually tried to recover my life by reading, improving myself, and forgetting about her. Slowly started dating again, but still haven’t found anyone truly “special.” I had 1-2 contacts over the rest of ’07 with xW over money issues that were contentious and full of hurt and anger on both sides. I determined to “move on” and really gave up all realistic hope of reconciliation as I saw no evidence that it was possible. There was only 1 remaining tenuous social point-of-overlap between us: a gal (“N”) that was a friend of my xW and also a friend of one of my friend’s wife. Via this “grapevine” I heard (and I believe this was done intentionally by my xW knowing it would get back to me) that she was going to marry the OM as soon as his 3rd D was final. I don’t know whether that ever occurred legally as they supposedly had a “ceremony” in 10/07 but I later found out that he was still tied up in a contentious D that did not finalize until at least 12/07. Who knows…

New “twist”: In 5/08, being 95% “over it” at the time, I visited the house of my buddy/wife that I mentioned above. After no mention for a long time, they (long friends of mine and formerly of my xW as well) asked me if I had spoken to my ex. I said “not in 6 months—she doesn’t want to talk to me and I see no point in talking to her.” They then proceeded to curiously mention that “N” had spoken with her and that my xW was “unhappy” in her R/M (??? I don’t know what the status was/is) with OM. I played it off as no matter to me but it ate away at me for weeks, I admit. I finally decided that I needed to put this to rest once and for all for MY SAKE. I emailed my xW a long letter in 6/08—it was basically a belated, modified Plan B/”closure” letter that I adapted from a book I read on Christian divorce recovery. I admitted and took responsibility (for the 545th time) for my failures, I told her that I forgave her completely for her actions (which she had never owned up to), told I would always love her “from a distance”, and said a final “goodbye” and “I sincerely wish you the best in the path you have chosen and honor your free will.” I heard nothing from her until she texted me on July 4th (first contact she had initiated in over a year). She basically thanked me and “really appreciated your letter.” Weeks went by…I received a collection notice at our former house (I still live there) for a business bill she had apparently disputed. Reluctantly, I texted her and told her about it so she could attend to it. She responded by saying “I will call you tomorrow” (again 1st call from her in a LONG time). I was surprised that she even would consider talking to me.

Phone call: I dreaded the call—the awkward discomfort, the aloof coldness I anticipated, etc. Wow, I was wrong. It (just a few days ago) started out pleasant and funny small talk and then she proceeded to ask about my little brother’s recent wedding. I was taken aback—told her it was fun, I was proud of him, love my new sister-in-law, and asked “how do you even know about that?” Her tone became softer and tender: “Honey, I have ways of hearing about you…I was going to send something but did not know how it would be received.” She then asked about my elderly grandfather (they had loved each other very much—my xW came from a dysfunctional household and always treasured the loving acceptance she found in my family) and tearfully said “I think of him/them all the time”. The topic turned to “us” and our past (dangerous I know…it just happened) and it was totally different than it had been for 2 years. The “wall” was gone; the “old, sweet her” was back. I was astounded by how emotionally vulnerable and remorseful she was. She choked up many times telling me that she had been foolishly “hard-headed and I should have believed you”, “I am so sorry I took you for granted, too—you are a wonderful man”, “I am so sorry for not communicating better” and “what can I do for your hurts???” I was blown away—I told her that I wouldn’t tell her what to do—she had to decide that on her own between “you and God”. She said “please don’t apologize to me anymore—you have done that more than enough—I should have listened”. I can’t possibly capture the flavor of it completely here but this went on tenderly for a good 30 minutes. I did not push or pressure her (intentionally) for specific info, additional contact, or any “future talk” about us. She said to me “I will call you again soon, sweetie…I promise!” and we hung up with mutual terms of affection. We have had 2 short evening text “conversations” since about “fun stuff”.

Aftermath: I know her very well and I know that she is not faking. This was genuine—she is “missing” me and us in some way(s). Problem is, I don’t want to write too much into it and I don’t know what is truly going on in her head. Is this just the unburdening of guilt? Is she seeking for us to become “just friends”? Or is she “dipping her toe in the water” to see if I was open to rebuilding something more? I have NO CLUE. I have also no idea on the current status of her R with OM…and, of course, nothing is possible if she is still emotionally/legally attached to him. I suspect that something has changed substantially, but I will wait for her to tell me when/if that is the case. Deep down, I still do love and forgive her. I know this is long and bizarre…does anyone have any insights or advice???? Thank you so much for your patience!

UPDATE

Well, I did mail her a very well written Plan B letter this morning and emailed it to her as well. Guess what? I received 2 emails back from her within hours and the news is not good. Here they are:

"I understand.

Thank you for taking the time to write this to me.

Love always,
me"


A few hours later, she sent another entitled "one more thing":

"Not only will I respect your request, I respect that fact that you made
it. I feel the same way and that's why I didn't engage in a text
conversation with you on Friday when you texted to tell me you had a
great day. I'm glad you had a great day - I hope you continue to have
great days.

You're a great person, a great man. I wish you the best today and
tomorrow and for a lifetime of tomorrows.

I have loved you for many years, and I'm sure I will for years to come.
I'm sorry for many things, but not sorry for having you in my life. You
taught me many things and am grateful for who you are and, at one time,
for who we were. I believe that God changes people and God changes
things. I pray for you and each of your family members. I pray for
peace, love and joy in their homes and in your home and that all your
needs are met. I ask for your forgiveness and thank you for listening
to me.

I'm glad you understand that I'm at a new place in a different life. I
do love my life and my family. I love my son that I never had before
and the child I will have. I love my 4 legged barking friends that I
always wanted and the yard they can play in. I love my friends - the
people I have now seen to be my true friends - and I love my home that
my family and I have created. I can only hope that you can feel the
love in the future that I do now.

Be good, be well, be faithful. I will leave you alone, but know I'm
only a thought away.

love, me"


There you have it.....I feel like a damn fool

I'm really sorry, but don't feel like a fool. She should hve told you up front that she was expecting a baby. Given the little of your character I know, that probably would have been enough information for you to know how you wanted to handle it.

Maybe this email will be what you need to be 100% healed. There will be a scar naturally, but you'll be healed.

One thing I wish pastors would tell people when they get married. If your spouse says there are problems, believe them. If your spouse is worried that you're going to leave, and you're madly in love, the problem can't be fixed by saying "I'll never leave." The spouse feels unloved because his/her needs aren't being met. Probably the spouse doesn't even realize it. So, sometimes the very ones who are afraid their spouses will leave are the ones to walk away.