I have followed this site for some time, but this is my 1st post. I have a long, crazy (sorry) tale to tell with a new twist that I would appreciate insight into (esp. from the ladies here). Thank you for reading…

Background: I met my xW in 1993 and well fell head-over-heels for each other in literally 2 dates. We became inseparable best friends and lovers within a month, dated, and were married in 1995—it was the “real deal”. She worshipped me and I adored her. We were married until 7/07 (no kids). In the latter few years we drifted apart, largely because of my own doing. She was intensely devoted to me and I gradually failed to meet her ENs, too many LBs, not enough LDs, etc…you all know the sad, sad drill. Needless to say, I loved her completely but failed to SHOW IT enough and ignorantly had NO IDEA that she was slowly slipping into the full “withdrawal state”. She, by her own tearful admission now, failed to communicate her ENs to me effectively and instead re-doubled her efforts to be the dutiful wife cause she was trying to impress me and was fearful that “I was getting tired of her and would leave.” Of course, no such thing was ever going to happen, I was utterly loyal to her and didn’t realize how insecure she was on the inside about my love for her—sad and crazy stuff…

Crisis: She separated from our home in 7/06 having “lost her love” and said all the same things you hear all walk-away’s say—“I love you but I’m not in love with you”, “I have lost my feelings and can’t get it back”, “It’s too late now”, etc. I made all the mistakes most left-behind spouses make—crying, begging, apologizing, promising, acting needy & desperate—I was heartbroken and ashamed of having neglected her and taken our M for granted for so long. She agreed to counseling and we also attended 2 marriage seminars together to (in her words) “see if I can give myself back to you—no promises, I have been hurt so deeply”. Well, that was all useless. She didn’t LISTEN to anything said, her “wall” was so high and she merely fluctuated between utter withdrawal and painful anger…finally cutting me off completely by hanging up the phone, not answering calls, refusing to spend any time together etc.

Divorce: She filed in 1/07 and I was told by her lawyer to have no contact with her other than to negotiate a settlement agreement (done in 2/07). Not unexpectedly, I discovered in 1/07 that she had secretly become involved with OM. He was a work acquaintance, much older, married, and going through his 3rd D (his 3rd W had filed on him in 9/07). Many months later she told me that she had been “lonely” and was commiserating with him for “companionship” during our crisis and “it just happened although I wasn’t looking for a R.” Best I can tell, they started hanging out in 8-10/06, a friendship became an EA and then a full PA by the time she decided to file. She immediately moved in with him as he was S from his 3rd W (usual rationalizations abounded: “you broke your vows 1st”, “God wants me to be happy”, etc.). Needless to say, full “fog” was present—we are both Christian believers and this is something she would NEVER had become involved with under “normal circumstances”…totally out of character for her. I exposed the A to her (out-of-town) family [everyone else in-town knew already, I found out from them]—caused angry rebuttals as expected but nothing else. Her father, whom she had a strained R with anyway, was the only one to my knowledge who expressed his firm disapproval on moral grounds--she angrily cut him off too. We had no contact beyond 2/07 and the legal D was finalized in 6/07. I was devastated and heartbroken.

Since D: I gradually tried to recover my life by reading, improving myself, and forgetting about her. Slowly started dating again, but still haven’t found anyone truly “special.” I had 1-2 contacts over the rest of ’07 with xW over money issues that were contentious and full of hurt and anger on both sides. I determined to “move on” and really gave up all realistic hope of reconciliation as I saw no evidence that it was possible. There was only 1 remaining tenuous social point-of-overlap between us: a gal (“N”) that was a friend of my xW and also a friend of one of my friend’s wife. Via this “grapevine” I heard (and I believe this was done intentionally by my xW knowing it would get back to me) that she was going to marry the OM as soon as his 3rd D was final. I don’t know whether that ever occurred legally as they supposedly had a “ceremony” in 10/07 but I later found out that he was still tied up in a contentious D that did not finalize until at least 12/07. Who knows…

New “twist”: In 5/08, being 95% “over it” at the time, I visited the house of my buddy/wife that I mentioned above. After no mention for a long time, they (long friends of mine and formerly of my xW as well) asked me if I had spoken to my ex. I said “not in 6 months—she doesn’t want to talk to me and I see no point in talking to her.” They then proceeded to curiously mention that “N” had spoken with her and that my xW was “unhappy” in her R/M (??? I don’t know what the status was/is) with OM. I played it off as no matter to me but it ate away at me for weeks, I admit. I finally decided that I needed to put this to rest once and for all for MY SAKE. I emailed my xW a long letter in 6/08—it was basically a belated, modified Plan B/”closure” letter that I adapted from a book I read on Christian divorce recovery. I admitted and took responsibility (for the 545th time) for my failures, I told her that I forgave her completely for her actions (which she had never owned up to), told I would always love her “from a distance”, and said a final “goodbye” and “I sincerely wish you the best in the path you have chosen and honor your free will.” I heard nothing from her until she texted me on July 4th (first contact she had initiated in over a year). She basically thanked me and “really appreciated your letter.” Weeks went by…I received a collection notice at our former house (I still live there) for a business bill she had apparently disputed. Reluctantly, I texted her and told her about it so she could attend to it. She responded by saying “I will call you tomorrow” (again 1st call from her in a LONG time). I was surprised that she even would consider talking to me.

Phone call: I dreaded the call—the awkward discomfort, the aloof coldness I anticipated, etc. Wow, I was wrong. It (just a few days ago) started out pleasant and funny small talk and then she proceeded to ask about my little brother’s recent wedding. I was taken aback—told her it was fun, I was proud of him, love my new sister-in-law, and asked “how do you even know about that?” Her tone became softer and tender: “Honey, I have ways of hearing about you…I was going to send something but did not know how it would be received.” She then asked about my elderly grandfather (they had loved each other very much—my xW came from a dysfunctional household and always treasured the loving acceptance she found in my family) and tearfully said “I think of him/them all the time”. The topic turned to “us” and our past (dangerous I know…it just happened) and it was totally different than it had been for 2 years. The “wall” was gone; the “old, sweet her” was back. I was astounded by how emotionally vulnerable and remorseful she was. She choked up many times telling me that she had been foolishly “hard-headed and I should have believed you”, “I am so sorry I took you for granted, too—you are a wonderful man”, “I am so sorry for not communicating better” and “what can I do for your hurts???” I was blown away—I told her that I wouldn’t tell her what to do—she had to decide that on her own between “you and God”. She said “please don’t apologize to me anymore—you have done that more than enough—I should have listened”. I can’t possibly capture the flavor of it completely here but this went on tenderly for a good 30 minutes. I did not push or pressure her (intentionally) for specific info, additional contact, or any “future talk” about us. She said to me “I will call you again soon, sweetie…I promise!” and we hung up with mutual terms of affection. We have had 2 short evening text “conversations” since about “fun stuff”.

Aftermath: I know her very well and I know that she is not faking. This was genuine—she is “missing” me and us in some way(s). Problem is, I don’t want to write too much into it and I don’t know what is truly going on in her head. Is this just the unburdening of guilt? Is she seeking for us to become “just friends”? Or is she “dipping her toe in the water” to see if I was open to rebuilding something more? I have NO CLUE. I have also no idea on the current status of her R with OM…and, of course, nothing is possible if she is still emotionally/legally attached to him. I suspect that something has changed substantially, but I will wait for her to tell me when/if that is the case. Deep down, I still do love and forgive her. I know this is long and bizarre…does anyone have any insights or advice???? Thank you so much for your patience!

Thank you all...

SDCW,

There is not much action here on the weekends, I did read the long tale, you wrote very well easy to follow.

I would say at this point set back and let her come to you, when she does be very open and say what is it that you want, what do you expect from me, where do youe see us going from here, don't nail her by any means, but don't just let her dance back into your life without owning up to her misbehaviors!!! Make her do the talking, honest talking don't feed her so that you will get the answers that you want, let her talk!!!

Dawn

Dawn:

Thank you very much for reading my long diatribe...I am a wordsmith and sometimes get carried away.

I'll let her come to me and mostly listen. I will also be diligent about avoiding LBs (esp. AOs and DJs). I know I have to resist the temptation to want to "know more and know it now" from her.

Thanks again, and I will keep updating...

Hmmmm... From your story, it sounds to me like she's motivated more by the fear of being alone, than by any desire to actually be with you specifically. I wouldn't trust her. My opinion, my perspective...

I just wanted to warn you to be VERY cautious.

Until she ends the adultery and all contact with the OM it's too early to be in contact with her discussing relationship stuff.

At the very least limit your conversations with her to e-mail only - no phone calls.

Almost two years ater leaving me for the OW my WH sudden;y made contact with me... e-mailed a mush poem to me saying he missed me and wanted me to come along for visitation with him and our daughters...

But it turned out he had no intention of giving up OW, he basically just wanted to restart the relationship with me behind the OW's back - to cake-eat.

In my case because I had just found MB's' and had not done a Plan A before he moved out, and the divorce was only 6 weeks away, I did start seeing him. It turned out to be a brutal false recovery BUT it did start serious problems between him and OW, let him see her acting controlling and jealous, and influenced him to sign a year-long separation agreement instead of going through with the divorce at the time.

If you didn't get to do a Plan A, and you want to do one now, this might be an opportunity to do so. But don't let her get used to cake-eating. Set a brief time limit for yourself to stay in Plan A (don't tell her about your deadline of course).
Then if she's still involved with the OM resend her the Plan B letter you sent before and expose to the OM that she had initiated contact/involvement with you behind his back. Then just sit back in a very dark Plan B, while she and OM fight over her going behind his back to get in touch with you again.

Everyone:

I have posted this thread in several forums to garner a wide variety of input. Thank you all for your kind responses...which seem to lead to the Plan B option.

I have thought about this very carefully and agree. I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning last night to compose an appropriate Plan B letter for my situation. I guess I will mail it "certified" early this week so I know that she has indeed received it. Thank you again and I would appreciate any follow-up anyone cares to offer.

Mere:

Thank you for sharing with me. 2 questions:

1) As I understand it, Plan A involves exposing (everybody already knows) and gently "negotiating" with the WS to end the other R. I don't see or know how this would apply to this admittedly advanced situation. Explain?

2) I have composed and plan to mail a definitive Plan B letter adapted to the circumstances, but I don't know how I would "expose" to the OM her recent contact with me. Perhaps I could email him (only contact I know), but what would you suggest I write? XXXX has recently called and texted me, thought you should know???

UPDATE

Well, I did mail her a very well written Plan B letter this morning and emailed it to her as well. Guess what? I received 2 emails back from her within hours and the news is not good. Here they are:

"I understand.

Thank you for taking the time to write this to me.

Love always,
me"


A few hours later, she sent another entitled "one more thing":

"Not only will I respect your request, I respect that fact that you made
it. I feel the same way and that's why I didn't engage in a text
conversation with you on Friday when you texted to tell me you had a
great day. I'm glad you had a great day - I hope you continue to have
great days.

You're a great person, a great man. I wish you the best today and
tomorrow and for a lifetime of tomorrows.

I have loved you for many years, and I'm sure I will for years to come.
I'm sorry for many things, but not sorry for having you in my life. You
taught me many things and am grateful for who you are and, at one time,
for who we were. I believe that God changes people and God changes
things. I pray for you and each of your family members. I pray for
peace, love and joy in their homes and in your home and that all your
needs are met. I ask for your forgiveness and thank you for listening
to me.

I'm glad you understand that I'm at a new place in a different life. I
do love my life and my family. I love my son that I never had before
and the child I will have. I love my 4 legged barking friends that I
always wanted and the yard they can play in. I love my friends - the
people I have now seen to be my true friends - and I love my home that
my family and I have created. I can only hope that you can feel the
love in the future that I do now.

Be good, be well, be faithful. I will leave you alone, but know I'm
only a thought away.

love, me"


There you have it.....I feel like a damn fool

She now wants permission for her adultery so her conscience will be clear.

She actually thinks that her "god" has willed the destruction of her vows, so she could go out and be happy.

I haven't even spoken to my XW in 2 years and will absolutely NEVER offer any sort of permission or enablement for what she has chosen to do. She is also convinced that her god allowed her to commit adultery because she id "pre-forgiven" and it's OK to do so.

Yeah, I'm with Pariah

My take

She was going through a rough patch with OM, so she reached out to make sure you was still her back up plan. You gave her what she wanted, her and OM made up, and then she sends the old "can't you see how happy I am and how good this is" typical wayward garbage.

She wrapped it in flowers and sunshine, covered up the horns on her God's forehead, and is now singing tra la la la la all the way back to waywardville.

now that she thinks the door is open, she'll probably contact you next time her and OM hit a rough spot.

If you have no kids together, you need to forget she ever existed

She thinks she sees things very clearly now, but she's very much lost in the fog.

I'm pretty sure Dr Harley would agree

Find some peace

I have a different take on it. I think his Plan B letter basically shut the door in her face and she's back pedaling. Basically a prettified version of, "Yeah, well who needs you?".

Flush that B and move on.

yea my XW does that crap and it makes me feel like a fool sometimes too

whenever i hear mine come over with the "hey sweetie" BS i always know she got into a fight with her BF

we both probably need to man up, slam the door and lock it as opposed to being nice guys

The last time I slammed a door, it came off it's hinges.

My ex-wife called me ONCE during our divorce and all she was trying to do was manipulate the situation by playing the sweet, wounded little bird. After I got through with her, she has never contacted me since. In court the ONLY sentence she uttered to the judge was "I want nothing of his" as she took my house.

Y'all better learn to feel NOTHING when the blood sucking harpy calls and act like that the divorce was the best thing ever since HDTV and bottled beer.

That's pretty much my take, too.

And I also think the odds are good she is neither happy, married or pregnant.

SDCWman,

My take...adding it to the pile...is what you thought may be a reconciliation invitation was only an invitation to have an affair on OM...and most likely, they are now married.

She's still entrenched in fantasyland.

You did the exact, correct thing...you said, "Here's what's required to be with me"...no fool writes or requires...you did both. She isn't interested in doing the right thing, being the right partner...she's into distraction.

You're no fool and to call yourself one, even a damn one, isn't real or real respectful.

You rock. Know it to your bones...fog is a lousy way to live and all affairs end...her affair marriage has no real chance and undoubtedly, any stepchildren she's involved with because of it will not accept her as their stepparent...no way, no how.

Thanks for being here on MB.

LA