I hope it's okay to post here - I posted in PlanA/PlanB but I'm not really sure what that means.

My husband cheated 3 years ago while I was pregnant with my 3 year old daughter. I was scared and afraid to be alone, so I stayed with him and he swore he would never do it again. He had an online account with AdultFriendFinders and was emailing to meet several people. We went through marriage counseling for almost a year and it helped a lot.

Two years later, things were going great, I got pregnant again (this time with twins), then while I was pregnant I caught him sending emails to a girl he met while he was away on a trip. I believe that he didn't do anything physical, but he did have an emotional connection with her and was lying and keeping it from me. I decided to stay with him again, but it was once again partly because I was afraid to be alone. This time he acted angry - not sorry which I didn't understand - we never really resolved it.

Now a year later, we have 3 kids, I'm feeling more confident then ever and I'm now feeling like I just can't forgive him for what he did. I'm feeling lately like I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore because I always feel as though I'm just waiting for him to do something again. I feel like it is inevitable that he's going to cheat again...it's just a matter of time. I feel like my feelings for him have changed...like I just don't like him anymore.

However, I've been with him this long, can I really decide that I want a divorce NOW? I feel really guilty about feeling this way. Am I crazy? This is so hard.

yes, you can.

Given the fact that you have kids, I would suggest another approach though.

Ask your husband to do two things. One, submit to a polygraph exam. You will most likely find other affairs or details that you do not know about.

Second, get him to agree to a post nuptial agreement that clearly defines how custody and marital assests are to be handled in the event of divorce.

I think coaching with the Harley's might be helpful...but at a minimum, I would do the polkygraph first. You are most likely dealing with a serial cheater that would be better off left behind.

Question, do you even want a D after what you two have gone thru?

Has he given you any signs that hes cheating again?
Does he still have contact with any of these girls?
Does he have an acct still there and chatting with other girls to often?
What is his excuse that he strayed the first time then the second time?
Does he want the M to work?
Have you talked to him about how you are feeling now, suggest MC maybe IC for indiviual and extra support?

Sorry for all the questions. You need to be certain what you want right now. Do you want to work on your M and achieve a healthy marriage? Or do you want out after trying to live with his A's.

Jane,

""This time he acted angry - not sorry which I didn't understand - we never really resolved it.""

When you discovered the A he got angry? Or when you laid into him about it he got angry? Not sure I understand.

""so I stayed with him and he swore he would never do it again.""

""mails to a girl he met while he was away on a trip...emotional connection with her and was lying and keeping it from me.""

Not good. Doing it again is a huge deal breaker for many. You have every right to feel this way, but you have 3 children too.

Nowhere did I see any reference to any marriage counseling or therapy. Bring this up to him, that you want you both to go, (if you wish to strengthen relationship) rather than trying tell him how you are feeling. Better to do that in therapy.

Marriage Builders is the right place to come if you wish to build your marriage. If you both want to commit. With the three little ones, this should be your first objective.

IMHO

kirk

I have read emails with him flirting with girls he works with. He openly says that he "could" cheat if he wanted to; he constantly looks at other girls.

He doesn't have contact with either of the girls from before.

We agreed after the first time that he's not allowed to have an email account like yahoo or hotmail. I have access to all his emails. The 2nd time cheating, he was using his work email.

He told me a few months ago that his exgirlfriend had been calling him for awhile to go out but he repeatedly told her no because he wouldn't cheat on me, (but he kept it from me for quite awhile).

He says he would not go to marriage counseling again because HE doesn't need it; he says if he did go, all he would do was just tell the counselor what they wanted to hear.

The first time he says he cheated because he was addicted to the website. The second time he refused to admit that what he was doing was cheating since nothing physical happened.

My problem is that I still don't trust him and I guess since I've felt like that for awhile, my feelings have changed. I feel like after everything he's done, I've lost my desire to be married to him. I don't have the same feelings for him. I don't know when exactly it happened.

make no mistake about it, you should NOT trust him as far you can throw him.

He is displaying classic signs of a liar and a cheat.


this is a man with no character or integrity.

Med speaks the truth here. My WW did the same crap with our MC when she was still seeing OM. You should NOT trust him.

I believe medc hit it on the head.

He doesnt want to got to MC cause he doesnt need it but he need to see that the M needs it...

Def no character and integrity

What have you done to repair this marriage and ensure this never happens again? Has he justly compensated you for his affairs? Has he made lifestyle changes to ensure this NEVER HAPPENS again. Has he become completely transparent so it would be impossible for him to carry on a secret second life?

It might be possible that you can't get over the resentment, Jane, but I wonder if you are stuck like this because nothing has ever been done to address and change his behavior.

Read this and let me know what you think: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

I can understand why you no longer love him. He has ruined your love for him with his dishonesty.

Melody is right. I'm in the same boat as you (ruined love because of dishonesty). No one here would blame you (or I) if you chose divorce...no matter how long after the A ended. At least, I hope not.

[/quote]
What have you done to repair this marriage and ensure this never happens again? Has he justly compensated you for his affairs? Has he made lifestyle changes to ensure this NEVER HAPPENS again. Has he become completely transparent so it would be impossible for him to carry on a secret second life?
[/quote]

After the first time, we went through counseling and went through all the steps - he did everything I asked and everything the counselor said we should do. I understood everything about the process of recovery and we did everything we could to repair the marriage. We were both open with each other and I didn't feel resentful. We talked about it a lot. He was really open to sharing his feelings during counseling, but when we stopped going...he slowly just went back to what he was before.

Then...boom...a year later, he went away for a work trip for one week and started emailing a girl he met there. It's like he's faithful as long as the opportunity to cheat isn't there. He stays off the computer, doesn't go out to bars or out with friends unless I'm with. I feel like he's avoiding cheating on me by avoiding giving himself the opportunity.

What do I do, just hang around and hope that he doesn't get the opportunity to cheat again? Hope that he doesn't meet someone he's attracted to again? That's just crazy.

" I feel like he's avoiding cheating on me by avoiding giving himself the opportunity. "



I'm no expert, but how is this wrong of him? I believe it's called Extaordinary Precautions. I won't guess at what his motives are, and whether he is legit in recovery, but avoiding opportunities is a good start....but only a start.

This is why I think Plan B is necessary when a WS does not do what is required for recovery...he has slowly drained your love for him.

I don't think anyone would blame you at all for divorcing this man based on what you have told us...

I have a question:
If he was willing to change his wayward behavior
start meeting your ENs
stop LBing

would you be interested in staying in the marriage? If the answer is yes, then I would definitely call the Harleys.

I recommend two books to read:

1. How Can I Forgive You? by Spring: http://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgi...mp;s=books&qid=1217961700&sr=1-1

2. People Of The Lie, by Peck: http://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Ho...mp;s=books&qid=1217961657&sr=8-1

Read these, think, come back here, discuss your thoughts. Then read and think some more. A decision will come.

You will hear around here a lot of advice that you should not decide this stuff when you are upset. You should not decide anything important when you don’t know for certain what you want. On and on and on… But those confusing conditions will always be the case, you know, regarding adultery. It’s emotional by definition. And it remains emotional no matter what.

If you follow their advice you will never decide anything, actually. You should decide when you are upset. You need to decide when you have to decide, even if you are not sure. Otherwise you end up doing nothing much at all and going through this again and again and again.

The only thing most BS know for certain and the only thing a typical BS will decide in a heartbeat is to not go through this again, no matter what.

If you eventually do decide to leave this loser, get all your ducks in a row first. See an attorney before you say or do anything overt.

Sometimes it is easier to forgive from a distance. A distance in time and in space.

With prayers,

PS: Do you want your sons raised by such a person?