Guys,

Can you all help me with this? My DD said that WH had another severe heart attack. I really can't get a straight story from her so I'm not sure what to do. She says someone called her and told her. Now remember, she is an addict.

So I'm just not sure what to do. From what I gather, he has been on an assignment out West and is in the same place that he had the first attack. I don't know what the status is with he and OP, so I don't know if she is there or what. Heck, I only know the state he is in, nothing else. I doubt that his work will tell me anything since we are in the legal process.

A friend of mine said that when he had his attack, he didn't want to see anyone at all. He suggested that I text WH and ask if he needs me to come out there. As with the last attack, the last thing needed is for me and OP to meet each other at the hospital. He said that before I spend time and money getting there, I should be sure that I'm needed or wanted. Good point I guess.

Again, is this MY NEED to do something? He has no one else since his only brother and he got into a fight when I exposed the A. They don't talk now.

I don't know guys. I hate to think that someone is dying with no family around, but am I even family anymore?

Please, help me think about this rationally. Any advice and comments would be greatly appreciated.

Can you ask any other family, friends or neighbors to check in with him? Then you can make a decision of what to do. It's best to have RELIABLE info. Your daughter is not considered reliable, IMO. If you want to text him yourself, be prepared for venom.

I agree with SL, verify first before you DO anything.

I don't mean to sound cold here...but you should, IMO, do nothing. His physical condition really changes nothing. If he is a WS, he has made his own bed and can reach out as he deems necessary.

Your reaching out right now is unwarranted on several laels. First, it isn't your place to do so unless your WH has asked for your help. Second, you could and most likely would add anxiety to a situation that needs calm.

Put aside your need to do something, beyond prayer, and continue living your life.

I, too, would verify first before doing anything.

While I agree with, medc, on the fact that if WH wanted you, he would call, I know how difficult that can be.

My parents were divorced (my mother filed) and when my father fell ill and passed away 4 years later, she was grateful she took the opportunity to put the differences aside and not let him die alone.

My father, too, had no family other than his ex-wife, kids, and ex-inlaws.

The possibility of death changes my perspective on how to deal with the wayward. If they die, you end up having to live with yourself and there is no do-over.

I'd verify, send flowers and a note letting him know that you are concerned and willing to help him. Then leave it until he contacts you.

It comes down to what is the least you can do and still be able to look yourself in the mirror if he does not survive?

Fox

{{{{{{{{{CHAI}}}}}}}}}}}}

Having known you for this long, I KNOW what you are thinking and trying to figure out.

I absolutely agree with Fox's suggestions.

BUT, I would be PRAYING ON MY KNEES, asking G-D about what HE WANTS you to DO....

And try and sit in absolute quiet and listen, look around for signs, signs on churchs, trucks anywhere that is open to you.

You are in my prayers............ And WH as well.

I have to agree with MEDC on this one. If YOU want to send something, have absolutely NO expectations of it's reception or any response. Don't fish to GET a response.

Chailover, my suggestion would be to do nothing. The point of plan B is to show him what life will be like without you. What a great opportunity to treat him to the consequences of his bad choices. There will likely be a stark contrast between you and the OP since most affairees are selfish and thoughtless. Those kind of traits come out in spades when the going gets rough. Let it play out! Let your Plan B work!

Hi CL,


I guess as death IS irreversible...can't help it but think...twice!

...however...

Before DOING anything, I suggest you first go to a 'quiet place' in your heart and ask yourself...

What are you prepared to do if he said 'YES'? Fly out? Willing to work with OP to make his life easier at any personal cost?

Do you have any 'expectations'?...and if you do, also 'expect' that you might be hurt again!

...and because whatever you do, your aim is NOT to have anything to REGRET, one way or the other...

...but if you are considering doing anything out of GUILT, putting his needs before yours, being compassionate towards WS but not towards yourself, 'sacrificing' yourself for others, that you did not remove yourself from HIS life.... by his actions, he took himself out of YOURS...

Edit: OTOH...just read Melodylane's post... she has a point (as usual!)

Sorry...if I am not being much help.

IMO, the possibility of DEATH supersedes the lessons about consequences of Plan B.

I think I know what you are all saying, but I know I couldn't live with myself if I did absolutely nothing.

Chai, have you considered asking the Harley's about this? Maybe an email or a call in to the radio show?

Fox

ETA: Luna has some good points.

Well, it might make her feel better, but I suspect her overture will not be welcomed and will make no difference at all from the sounds of it. Now, if he called and ASKED for her help in a dire emergency, I can see breaking contact. But if he doesn't WANT her help? What would be the point?

p.s. I guess I don't equate heart attack with "DEATH." People have heart attacks all the time and are in and out of the hospital as quickly as they can boot them out the door.

For example, my H had a heart attack last month on a Sunday and was back home rocking and rolling by Tuesday. He had HEART SURGERY on Monday to correct a 90% blockage in his main artery. The following Saturday, he spent 4 hours out in 100 degree weather mowing our yard and hardly broke a sweat.

ML,


That's what I am concerned about... it may make CL feel good about reaching out, but would also 'set herself up' to get hurt yet AGAIN!

....and because 'reaching out' without ANY sort of expectations is hard to do no matter what anyone says.

Well, that is my concern too. Which is why I think she should do nothing unless he contacts her. And then if he WANTS her help, she can help him.

If the goal is to make herself feel better, it may not work out that way if her gesture is rejected. And giving someone a "GIFT" they don't want is not a gift.

CL,


How much would it hurt to know that, if your WS really wanted you to be there for him, he would figure out a way to get that message to you? ...is this what you think he is doing via your DD, to 'save face' and for fear of rejection, or is it just your DD feeling powerless and wanting you to DO something?

Chai -
I agree with the posters who suggest that you find out from another family memeber what is actually happening.

I know that this is definately a case of "you made your bed, now lie in it"
But
a heart attack IS SERIOUS. If he did have another one, then this is his 2nd in a short period of time.

I think part of the equation here, for chai, is the fact that she probably is not interested in a relationship with this man as H and W any longer. I get the impression that she is not 100% there yet - but probably a good 80%.

the way I see it - and I may be wrong here!!!! - is that checking on him to see if he is ok, would be similar to checking on an estranged brother, or cousin, or uncle. It is someone you are/have been related to. You no longer have a daily relationship with them - but you would want to at least know if they were dying somewhere.

My oldest brother is a Meth addict. He has been a drain on society for years. when our sister died his only comment was "oh well, [censored] happens I guess". I do not have a relationship with him.
BUT - last year he had a stroke, and was in the ICU for a week. So I visited him. After all, if my brother was going to die in that hosital, I would at least wnat to visit him one last time.
did he appreciate my visit? Yes. Did he make any heartfelt plea for forgiveness for being horrible to me over the years? no. But I did the right thing - and will continue to do the right thing -regardless of what other people do. And I sleep like a baby at night because of it.

To ALL of you who replied : SL, PM, MEDC, Fox, Queenie, Melody, Luna, WofF5 - I appreciate so much the advice and things to think about.

I haven't been able to verify anything because I don't know how. Other than a distant cousin that he does not keep in contact with, there is no one else to call.

I guess the realization that I came to was that if he WANTED me to know or wanted my help, I would know. His company knows my name because he has worked for them for over 4 years, but he obviously removed me as his emergency contact because no one has called from there. I would think that if things were that critical, his HR department would find me. I've been in the press here lately due to the opening of my business etc. so one Google search brings up my name many times. I'm very easy to find.

I did however send a text message stating that our DD told me he was in the hospital and if he needed me to help I would do so.
If I can find out exactly where he is, I may send flowers, but beyond that I will lie low. I certainly don't want to buy a plane ticket or drive 15 hours to find that I'm not wanted there. And Luna, you had a good point - am I willing to work with the OP? That would be NO. I don't know whether that A is still going on or not, but I guess I view this as I've opened the door a crack, if he wants to take advantage of it he can do so. Or Not.

But I do now have to really look at where I am in this whole deal. Since we have nothing signed to date, we are legally M. All kinds of things are now running through my head about what will happen if he doesn't make it. Will the OP get the life insurance and I get all the debt and medical bills? We have burial plots here in town - how in the heck will that work? Has he told OP where he wants to be buried now that things have changed. UGH!

What a mess all of this has been. Learning to let go after 35 years is pretty hard because he's been my family.

Sorry to hear the news, Chai.

He is actually being very abusive to YOU. You are still his wife and have had a long marriage, yet he has cut you out of the picture entirely. And HE is the one that had the affair!

Hopefully he will be okay, so that he can at least pay off his medical bills. The thought of you getting those and OW getting insurance just gave me chills.

Sorry I can't be more sympathetic to him.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this now. My now-exh developed a serious medical condition. I got advice from Steve H and what it boiled down to was this:

Choosing to support him during his illness would be a huge risk for draining my love bank to the point of no return.

I weighed everything and chose to support him throughout what turned out to be a very looooooong illness. There came a time when I knew that to continue supporting him would result in divorce if he survived. I chose to continue to support him.

He survived. We divorced. And if I could go back and do it over, I would again choose to support him during his illness although I would do it a little differently. I'm sure it would still lead to divorce though.


My advice is to see an attorney before deciding what you will do. You might be surprised at what legal rights you have. Just because a Wayward's brain and an OW think they make all the rules, they don't unless you let them. Find out what the law in your state provides.

Take care

P.S. If you're not deadset on a divorce, interview Family Law attorneys and see if you like how they do things more than how a Divorce Attorney does.

Lovingboundaries,

I would love to know why it led to a D? Was Steve right? Did it drain your love bank and if so why?

What would you do differently? Any additional info on this would be helpful to me.

Believer, you are right. He has basically Plan B'd me. Period. I worked with Jennifer and sent a few letters in the beginning, and also a few emails to let him know things about our DD. Jennifer said that any info on her, I should send and just be business like and let him know what he needed to know. I got absolutely no response from any of it. Not even an OK. When he said he wanted nothing to do with me 11 months ago, he really meant it. I guess I just answered my own questions didn't I?