I am interested in having other people review my situation and analysis and telling me if they also think my wife has been cheating on me, although I have no proof. Do I post here? Also, the background and information for this question are 2,285 words long. Is there somewhere else I should post it, or is it okay to put it here?

Post away.....

Go ahead and post it here. There is a LOT of traffic here.

Post away! People have fairly highly tuned detectors and will be able to spot the red flags right away.

One bit of advice though. If its really that long, you may want to just post the cliff notes or really important parts and then answer the questions people respond with. If you post a 2300-word wall of text, your potential audience may significantly decrease in size.

Here goes.

I met a 44-year-old married woman at work in 1981, with whom I developed a friendship. I eventually realized I liked her, and told her so. We started trading sexual innuendo, and she invited me to her house on Halloween night of 1982, when we had our first physical interaction. Unfortunately, I did not let it stop there. The adultery continued frequently for 3 more years, during which time she made 2 professions: her love for me and a background of involvement with 6 other men during the course of her 30-some-odd-year marriage. The latter caused me to think, but briefly, since I was convinced we were both in love, and she began in late 83 to talk about leaving her husband. In 1985, after having worked several months to provoke her husband, his wrath finally resulted in commanding her to leave. And she moved in with me in a nearby town. She went through her divorce proceedings, lawyer visits, and finalizing without my presence, even though I offered to be with her for support.

We moved to an apartment back in her hometown later that year and lived together for the next 4 years. I contracted rheumatoid arthritis in late 1988, which proved to be both excruciatingly painful, debilitating, and left me mostly bed-ridden. It was about a year later that she left me, without warning, with a "Dear John" letter in the living room. I went to pieces, started drinking, wound up in the drunk tank, then moved back to with my parents 50 miles away for a month. In January, I moved to a boarding house 12 miles from my Other's hometown soon thereafter while I finished up my job in Shelburne, going on long-term disability. I had no idea where Rose had gone, no clue to contacting her. Then, in late February, my father somehow reunited us, without my asking him. We dated for about 2 months, then decided to marry in late May of 1990.

I moved into her apartment (which she'd acquired just before leaving me) and we stayed there until late 1994, when we moved across town. By then, I had been working for over 2 years as a GS-4 in the federal government. In 1996, we had some minor rough spots in our "marriage." We overcame them, then moved again to a street not far from where she had originally lived with her 1st husband, remarried by this time. In 2001, I was developing a close friendship with a lady at work, who I had no sexual interest in. She was encouraging to my contact, until she made an abrupt change in behavior in early 2002, which led to me being charged with sexual harassment, even though I had made no sexual advances to her. That whole situation, it turned out, was a group project of about 5 people, spearheaded by my supervisor, who was attempting to get revenge for having gotten her in trouble with her boss back in 1996. My supervisor's boss gave me a lenient reprimand, and offered me a job away form the facility I had worked at for over 10 years.

So I transferred, got a promotion a year later to GS-7, but was suspicious of everyone I worked with from that point on. I expected another manager to make an attempt to eliminate me from the service. And when I told my wife about all that had happened, her reaction was dramatic and tear-ridden. After several days of this, she said that she would have to see if she could trust me. I had learned my lesson, and realized how valuable my wife was to me, and didn't want to get close to another woman ever again. That's when I decided I needed to return to God. I started by going to Catholic services, asking my wife if she would attend. She agreed, and we went for about 3 months. When we first went in, she had told me she was afraid that she would be struck by lightning for entering the church building.

I was unsatisfied with the services, and asked her if she would go with me to a different church, and we started going to a Pentecostal church in a nearby town. In one year, we were made members, and I was asked to join the worship team (music). My wife was telling people she saw a definite improvement in me since I was now attending worship. That seemed to go on well until 2003. By that time, I was getting involved in music production with an old friend I had worked with in the 70s. I was also involved in building, repairing, and troubleshooting computers. I was also doing multimedia (music and transferring of videos to DVD, which is extremely time consuming). With all of this going on, I started neglecting my home life. I also developed financial problems, partly due to the increase in oil prices. While we were getting that under control, rough spots started showing in our marriage again.

By 2006, I was getting the impression that I was at war with my wife. It appeared to me that there were minor things she was doing that I was using as justification to get perturbed. At first, I thought she didn't know she was doing this. But that was tantamount to thinking she was stupid, and I knew she was highly intelligent. So by 2007, I was convinced she was doing things to rile me up. I started turning some of that back on her. Like her tendency to walk behind me in public as a sign of slave subservience. I would then speed up and turn a corner past her.

But that wasn't all. Starting in 2005 she commenced several tirades of accusation that I was cheating on her (I wasn't; I wasn't even looking at other women). She chastised me every time I spoke to a woman, even the sisters in church. When she didn't have responsibilities during services, she would hurry out to the car and impatiently wait for me to get my music together and get us home. And if I didn't get back soon enough, I got an earful. That all stepped up in 2007 until I was hearing the accusations almost daily, along with being blamed for everything going wrong in our marriage and around the house. I started wondering if the marriage was going to last. I also had been reading the scriptures, and all that was said about marrying a divorced woman was confronting me constantly. Finally, on June 11th of this year, when we were in a fight that was earning me more accusations and blame, I told her I wanted her out of the house. Her demeanor changed abruptly and she was all business. On the 16th, when I thought she had taken some of my personal property (memorabilia from what I considered my "grandchildren"), I feared she was stripping me and changed the lock on the door. She ended up dragging a local police officer over, then ranted and raved -- and lied! -- to try to get me banned from the apartment. She left soon thereafter, and filed for divorce a month later. She has no contact with me, and has blocked all avenues for contact, as well as making her location a secret.

I've had time to review a lot of things that had gone on with us since our first act of adultery, and I've noticed what I think are disturbing signs. First, there is the fact that she had volunteered information that she'd had 6 affairs while married 30 years. Then, there is the leaving a year after I got arthritis. Then there is the apartment building she moved into while hiding following that. The landlord was 10 years her junior, married, and runs a high-tech business out of the top floor of the building. I had assumed she got the apartment through a friend of hers who worked part-time there.

We were still there for nearly 5 years following our marriage. When we were apart, my wife had also worked part-time for him to help make up rent. She continued that while we were married, also working nights at a pizza restaurant in town; a job that she eventually retired from in late 2000. For the 1st year of our marriage, I was recovering from my disability and retraining for a new job, then acquired one in July 1992, which took me 35 miles north during the daytime.

During the years we were there, my wife talked a lot about the landlord, his wife, child, business, the other employees, and some of his habits. She seemed to have developed quite a knowledge about him and associated information. In 1993, neighbors I had gotten to know in one of the apartments came to me to tell me they were leaving for a house they had just bought and wanted to say goodbye. They said that the landlord, whom they did not trust might possibly offer my wife and me the apartment, so they told me the price and warned me to watch out. Sure enough, 3 days later the guy offered it. I asked the price, and he gave a quote that was $75 more than what the previous tenants had paid, without any improvements. He also claimed, without my prompting, that the previous tenants had paid his current asking price! I declined the offer and told my wife later about it, letting her know he lied. And she defended him, in spite of anything I said. I then told her that when a wife will not take her husband's side over a stranger, there was a problem. We didn't discuss it further.

A year following our move across town in late 94, our arguments started. When we moved back within a block of the old apartment building in 1996, things seemed to calm down. In 2000, the arguments started again. After the incident in 2002, she told me she was unsure if she could trust me, but would give it a try. There were months afterward that I was dejected and fearful because of what had gone on at work. she told me she didn't know if she could survive my downturn, and suggested I go live for a couple of months with some friends in a town 20 miles away. I stayed at home, though. Things seemed to get better, but starting in late 2005, there were a number of different times that she renewed her suggestion of my going to stay with friends for a while.

As I said about 2006 and 2007, we engaged in tiffs with each other. But also in 2007, there was a time when I was on my way to work around 7:00 AM and, 5miles north of town, a sea-green Prius started to pass me, then cut back in at the last moment and tried to force me off the road. I honked, swerved, and hit the brakes. Two days later, it happened again, so I wrote down the plate number and vowed to bring a camcorder with me so I could get video and present it to the State Police. It never happened again. Not long after that, we were on our way home from a city 60 miles north of us on a Saturday, and she brought up the name of our former landlord, right out of the blue, with nothing else said to prompt it. And then it wasn't mentioned again.

But I later found a sea-green Prius parked in front of the old apartment building, and checked the plates against my note -- they were the same. His being on the road when I was at that time was odd, because he normally came from his home in the north around 7:00 to go to his business/apartment building, stayed there until 6:30-7:00 PM, then drove home. And he typically used a route different from the one I used to get to work. Why was he driving then and there, and why did he try to force me off the road?

She had left me 2 times in our relationship: once when I was racked with pain by arthritis, making me an invalid, and the other after I had gained a lot of weight and paid more attention to things other than her. And on the night I told her to get out, she had changed from crying and yelling to say "Well, finally! It only 2 years of being pressured to get you to do this!" And when I looked into other information, I found that her first husband had been in a similar situation with her, also telling her to leave. The night of the 11th of June, she was another person; one I've never seen before.

Now, here's the kicker: although she has tried to make her location a secret, I had seen her son-in-law's face in a window as I was on my way home once earlier this month -- and it was the old apartment building! I have not tried to contact her or go near her. And then there were 2 comments she made to me when we were trading anger with each other jsut before she left. One was "Remember how you used to say you were the smartest person you know? Well, you're not." And when I talked about how our marriage had gone down the drain, she said "We never had a marriage."

It's my belief that she has been involved in an affair with this landlord, one that actually started before we were married but that she carried into our marriage, suspended when we moved away, then resumed again some time after our move closer to the place. When she decided I was useless, unattractive, boring, and not paying attention to her, she determined that just having an affair would be suitable enough for her and justified it with her anger for me, which she still nurtures. She certainly has shown a pattern in her previous marriage, and it's also interesting that she stayed in our marriage for 18 years, just over the 15-year state threshold to establish a permanent marriage, entitling her to 50% of everything, including my pay and retirement funds.

So, what does this look like to everyone else?

Would you mind cutting that down to about 3 paragraphs? I have a pretty good bs detector, but I can't get through this much superfluous verbiage. Thanks.

Sorry. I thought the background was necessary to get immersed, like I've been.

Anyone want to be an editor? I wouldn't have the first notion what I could shorten, delete, or say differently. Help!

Just to level set, you and Rosey (your wife) started in adultery with her married to someone else. But now you two are married (after admittedly provoking her innocent husband into divorce) and you want our support in helping you with your affairage where Rosey is now cheating on you?

Jo

Sounds like a serial cheater to me.

Charlotte

Why not just leave it? It's good information.

So you had an affairage back in the 80's where you hooked up with a woman who was married, had a history of having affairs with other men, and are now wondering if she's doing the same to you?

Ummm. I can tell you this right now: You won't find too much sympathy on these boards. You hooked up with a woman who was cheating on her husband with you. She had a history of cheating.

You're now having your own medicine coming back to byte you in the butt. The Karma bus took many years to roll over you, but now it has.

You cheated. She is now cheating and you guys met by her cheating on her then husband.

No sympathy here. You got what you deserved.

It sure sucks to have it done to you, doesn't it?

Yes, I know, I know. You found God and Jesus and are different than you were in the 80s. I understand. Lots of adulterers find God and Jesus conveniently after they destroy a marriage.

So forgive me for sounding cynical regarding your religious views. I am.

So accept that you reaped what you sowed.

Is she cheating? From her past behavior and how you met, undoubtedly yes.

So,

Do you want to remain married to this woman? Or do you want to throw in the towel. There is/was a poster here who has a serial cheater husband and he cheated with all genders.

She has an illness and it has certainly made her illness worse. I guess so. Stress kills.

Charlotte

Thanks for all of your input.

Resilient, did I ever mention her name? And I admitted to the affair. Help with it? Only asking for opinions on the information given. If yours and others is that this is a matter of just desserts, then so be it. I fully admit I deserve it.

And it also helps me make a decision on how to deal with this. I think the Scripture is very clear, and I've been questioning the advice I've received from some parties who think I should stand for reconciliation. They base this on the forgiveness of Christ, considering that the persons involved are repentant. Well, first of all, I think there's no chance. She got $6,000-$10,000 from her kids in Minnesota to cover lawyer and other costs and she won't waste the investment.

According to the Scripture, she should be reconciled with her first husband, who has remarried. And I owe apologies all around. And I know it, and have started. But I'm becoming more convinced that one of my consequences is that I now accept celibacy for the remainder of my life. I should have been satisfied with God right at the start, since I was in a church at the time.

Honestly, it looks like a repeat performance that someone volunteered to experience.

Ok, after giving you the 2x4, I should give you something constructive.

Yes, you got your own medicine.

So now you must ask yourself why you want this woman back who is so calculating and evil and a serial cheater?

Divorce, repent, learn your lesson, and move on with your life.

Plenty of good older ladies out there to grow old with. Your W is a lost cause and will likely hurt you again.

My mistake, Resilient. I saw I missed one spot with her name.

Yes, this is something you owe her ex-husband and any children they may have had together. And if you were married at the time, your ex-W and those children also.

I'll be saying prayers for you.

God Bless
Jo

It looks to me as if you are correct. Your wife never intended nor cared to be monogamous with you nor her first husband. She and you, never really understood what life, love and marriage really is. It is unfortunate that you are discovering this web site now, after all the damage has been done and you are in the evening of your life.

Your relationship with Rose was born from her act of infidelity with you and as sad as it is, died from her act of infidelity against you. The folks here know what has happened to you all too well. But understand that you too are culpable for what has happened. You engaged in an illicit affair with a married woman those many years ago. When you did this you sealed your fate. You fell from grace. There is no honor among adulterers. There seldom is even though they profess how noble and honorable they are.

As you read the information in this web site you will find what you have been missing in life and love all these years. Hopefully, you will use this information and your new found faith to guide you into becoming the person you should have always been. Although you have much to grieve for, it is never too late to change.

Mr. G

Have tried to apologize to her youngest daughter, but she wasn't ready to accept it. She told me to leave the property.

And I was never married. According to the Bible, not even this time.

Thank you, Mr. Goodstuff. You're helping me make a decision on an issue that just came my way of late, relating to the church which I must become part of. I think I'll go with the harder choice.

As for everyone else: whether you believe it or not, I appreciate your honesty, no matter how much emotion is in it. It is going to be the foundation of, God willing and hopefully by His mercy, a life.

So she is in her early seventies now and was originally married when she was around 14 years old?