ok, i'm gonna lay my whole story out in this first post, indulge me please. i had a potentially devastating stroke on 1/25/08. i am now at home, on my way to (neurologist and physiologist say) near full recovery. I see my wife as a guardian angel, let me explain: she says God told her to stay home from work the day of my stroke. she found me in bed, paralyzed completely on my left side. she did the assessment on me (she works in the medical industry) called 911, got the top neurosurgeon in the region (not my opinion, wife works at a docs office, this guy come highly recommended) on standby in case they needed to crack my head open to stop the bleeding (stroke was a massive cva rather than the more common eschemic). i was in a coma for 7 days, and the first 3 days & nights i was in the hospital my bp was wildly out of control (210/115 was a not an uncommon reading during this time) doc said 72 hours, if i survive that long and it doesn't come down, he's going in. anyway, docs notice that when wife is with me, bp goes down. she was staying at the hosp this whole time, sleeping in a chair next to my bed at night. she would hold my hand, bp would go down. this confounded docs, but she got full credit when bp returned to a semi-normal reading of 150/90 by day three. so here i am today, this is the "love of my life" and if ya don't understand that, wow.

we met at work in 1988 while i was still married to my first wife, co-habitated for 3+ years, married in 1991 have 4 children girl 16, girl 11, girl 9, boy 5. no adultery during this marriage, BUT heavy alcohol use (me) and issues that arose from that (money, anger with NO physical abuse, probably integrity issues as she sees it), cuz i did a high profile LOCAL (i'm NOT that guy, but the show was similar) radio show in a medium market where i have lived most of my life. people know me, and i wonder if she feels my cavalier on air persona was a reflection on her. lots of things that have left what i have learned is called "wreckage from the past" that has created some resentment.

Sooo...i'm home from the hospital in april. it gets hot here, and one of my rehab goals was to push the mower around, mow my own lawn, guess what...i did, and can! so i come in from a typically hot late spring afternoon here (100 degrees) for a cool drink. i open the fridge and "voila!" sitting there was an ice cold coors lite. i popped it and drank it, violating a post stroke promise i'd made to her: no more alcohol, as that it a cause of the conditions that led to the stroke.

she comes home and asks "where's the beer that was in the fridge?" i tell her i had it and holy [censored] she goes into a rage. scared mt younger two daughters, tears and flinging her wedding ring at me and saying "how can you do this to me after i saved your life?? is that all the more you care???" and said "that's it. i'm leaving."

she ratholed money awat for the next 3 weeks and moved out on june 20th. in those 3 weeks i was as perfect a gentleman as i could be, to the point where she called my sister in AZ and told her she "was having 2nd thoughts" about separating. now i felt the move out coming (she's very strong willed) and prayed "please God let Beth see that i am trying to be a better man" began attending aa (sober now for 77 days) and seeing a counselor for the other issue and i'll be a sunuvagun this guy is anti co-dependency. see's it as destructive and feels it has infiltrated al-anon (comment if any of you have sensed that). wife has been at both counseling sessions that her presence has been requested. I WANT THIS WOMAN BACK!!! i love her so much, my kids and me need a complete family inluding me, her, and our precious 4 babies!!!

here's what's going on right now. as i said in the posts title we've been apart 6 weeks, but wife continues to keep me close. in fact we're spending more time together now than when we lived together (part of which can be attributed to the fact that i haven't worked since the stroke, that too is about to change. i never thought i'd be sad to go back to work, but it's going to cut into us opportunities). anyway, i've been replaying in my mind a few hard-core hurtful comment she's shot at me during the separation (your love was like a cage, you were alway so insecure, i had to justify buying clothes while you were spending our money on booze..) but here's the thing: lemme give you an example of a day right now. she get's a dvd movie, we go swimming, she cooks dinner and we hang out till 10pm or so when the kids go to bed and i go "home" (hard to call it home when she's not there) today's agenda: she invited me to attend a fund raising showing of wizaed of oz at a downtown theater, then she went to her mom's house to pick some sweet corn. then she got back to the apartment, she called me all cheery and invited me to pick up a couple of things at the store, pick up napolean dynamite at hastings and come over & have dinner and watch movie.

all this from a woman who doesn't love me ??? can't live with me??? don't misunderstand me, i'm reading smalley's book "how to win back your wife" and i'm following all his suggestions. i KNOW i've made mistakes. i AM honoring my wife now, big time.

i know that's a long story, sorry, i just wanted you guys to know there's a history here. my question is: is there anything else i could be doing for my marriage? my wife? our children? i want us back together soo baaad.

thank you
voivod

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us. I think you know the answer, and that is to continue going to AA and staying sober. No one wants to stay and watch someone they love drink themselves to death. You had a close call, and I'm sure it traumatized your wife.

Other than that, keep showing her you are CHANGING. Don't talk about it, DO IT.

You had a close call. Glad that you made it through and have a second chance for a good marriage and life.

Don't forget the lesson. EVER.


My husband allowed alcohol to ruin him, too.


He nearly lost me, our marriage, everything.


Before you grab that next drink, ask yourself this:


"Is this one beer going to be as comforting as my life with my family?"

Because you must be absolutely willing to make that trade - the beer or the family. Be sure you are willing to pay that price when that "refreshingly cool sip" hits your lips.

SB

thank you believer,
the sobriety thing has been easy, i just wish there were some other things i could do. it feels like every day that goes by is a day lost. having said that, she gives me a chance to "show her" nearly every day when she invites me along. why won't she just tell me she loves me and let's get back together and rebuild this life? it seems as though i'm losing if i'm not winning.

oh, schoolbus,

i am done with alcohol. done. never again. not even one. thank you for your post. i hope it helps others who are struggling with alcohol. I thank God that i am not struggling with my sobriety.

i cannot have both my family and alcohol. and there is only one of those worth living for: my family.

It will take some time to win your wife back. It would be nice to be able to do it quickly, but that won't happen. She needs to see consistency.

In the meantime, try to make her EN's, and get on living a healty life.

gosh..every time it feels "dark" something happens and lights me up.

as i'm sitting here in front of the computer bumming out, my wife has my 11 year old daughter call me and ask me if she wants to go hang out at the river! wife initiates all these little get togethers, and they always turn into all day family get togethers.

question: what is going on here??? i know there are several professional "experts" here, give me your opinion please. ever time we are together, she laughs, jokes, has fun. btw, it feels good to me.

Sounds to me like you will get a second chance. Remember your wife was very frightened by your illness, and that has forever changed her.

I had something similar in my life. My sons' father drank a lot, did crank, smoked, ate lots of fatty meals and didn't exercise. He had a heart attack at 36.

I sat in the hospital with him for 3 weeks, hoping he would live. He did.

So I learned how to cook healthly food, which the whole family ate. I tried to keep stress to a minimum. Encouraged exercising, etc.

He continued smoking and drinking, doing drugs, and sneaking away to eat at restaurants. He was depressed and the drinking escalated to where there was physical abuse. I finally left him. He died several years later. My sons missed out on having a dad in their life.

YOU have another chance with your family. Make the best of it.

believer,
i am so sorry your sons father chose to continue with the behavior that led to his demise. i could not do that. when my family, one by one starting with my wife, then my daughters (ages 16, 11, 9) and my son (5yrsold) would lie down in my hospital bed with me and hold me while i was unable to move, you have no idea the motivation that gave me to GET BETTER.

I so hope and pray that you are right about a second chance. i will never leave beth in the dust again. she deserves to be honored. i just read up on emotional needs. WOW! why don't they hand out this info in (life) school???

you also said>>>I sat in the hospital with him for 3 weeks, hoping he would live.<<<
do you have any idea the strength you have??? wow! again.

i just found out last night that beth kept a 24 hour a day vigil at my bedside for 7 days. i thought it was three days. what an amazing woman, huh.

anyway, i gotta go jump in the shower. we're going to the river!

just got back from our little family get together walk along the greenbelt that my wife suggested. it was a good walk, about two miles...remember, i had a stroke and couldn't walk a step as recently as march. good pace, good company.

anyway, we got back to her apartment and we all go swimming. i hafta tell you, my 5 yr old boy is, well, a 5 yr old boy and a real disciplinary handful. he does tend to interrupt quality time between me and wife with his discipline issues. anyway, we swim with the kids for a couple of hrs, then she orders pizza behind my back. does not let me pay for it. we had pizza, conversation, including my return to work plans, and i pleasantly excuse myself so they can spend some time together tonite before she has to go back to work in the morning.

while i was at beth's place, an old friend who has been thru the aa with his parents, texts me and says: "all i know is if she hasn't filed, she still wants to make it work." how true does that ring? she does seem to be giving me plenty of opportunities. what do i do to capitalize on them?

i look forward to your answers.

thank you to all, believer (i grew up in east county sd, spring valley, 1972-78.)

i found the surce of confusion,,,
i said:
"we met at work in 1988 while i was still married to my first wife"

i didn't say: we began having a relationship while i was still married.

this one sentence fragment doomed me in the eyes of some members here apparently.

i met her, we were family friends, i divorced, we dated, we married.

It's more than that one sentence...


You met in 1988 (when you were STILL married) and lived together for three PLUS years and married in 1991, when did you D your first W?

we met at work (my ex, me and future wife all worked at same place. we were all friends AND ONLY FRIENDS) at the time. i divorced in december of 1998 , me & future wife moved to new mexico, ex moved to washington. i lived in new mexico(then pennsylvania) WITH my future second wife. we lived together unmarried, we moved back home to the northwest and away from the crime of philadelphia with our first child and married november of 1991.
(also marshmallow, i just quickly skimmed thru my previous post to find the error as i was home from work grabbing a lunch and was running late on the way back. yep, i'm back to work after 6 months!!!stroke. thereby, i missed the other sentence which you so observantly brought to my attention)

NOTE: i was not intentionally trying to be deceptive. believe me when i say that i would not lie about having an affair to make it sound like i did. thank you for pointing this out to me. i'm almost sure that wife reads this site too. and she knows the reference to my nickname so she'd know "voivod" was me.

BYW, she just called me again (after another lovely evening together laying in the grass at the park and a quick dinner at her apt.) to inform me that she is gonna coach my son's sports team this fall and that she'd like ME to help her asst. coach!!!! yippee. she's giving me a chance. pray for me that i don't miss=step (i won't)

believer,
boy...i hope you're right...every next call from her feels like a second chance is being given. she called last night to tell me she was going to coach my sons fall sports team, and she asked me to be her asst coach!!! i love this woman...please tell me you have a sense of what all these things could mean????

So that means she knows your thoughts that you have shared with us. Is there something that you wrote here that you have not said to her in person?

Also, let me welcome you and your wife if she happens to be reading. I commend you for your brains. You are at a place where life, love and marriage are the cornerstones of happiness. The tools here will teach you how to make the most with your wife. You can make your marriage as rewarding as you desire providing that you both participate.

Come and go as you please. Read of the troubles that have fallen on the posters that make your situation look tame by comparison. Regardless, you will have every one of your inquiries answered. Best of all the answers will always serve you in a fashion that promotes love. All this mushy talk may sound a bit corny but believe me when I tell you that when your love with your partner is at risk there is nothing corny about it. In fact, nothing else will matter but your love for your wife and her love for you.

It would be most interesting to read her spin on your travels. She sounds like a real woman.

You are a very lucky person. Read the travels of others to experience what I mean.

Mr. G

mr. goodstuff,

you say: "So that means she knows your thoughts that you have shared with us. (i'll be as forthright as she asks me to. she does not want me to tell her what i've wrote. she says "let me figure it out.")Is there something that you wrote here that you have not said to her in person? no, i invited her to ask me. in fact she DID mention her apprehension about asking me if i'd had an affair on her...i said "you have no reason to fear the answer when you ask" best i can do.

you say: "Read of the troubles that have fallen on the posters that make your situation look tame by comparison."

from my standpoint this situation feels dire! thanks.

you say: You are a very lucky person.

that, my friend, brought tears to my eyes. do me a favor and see my original post. it tells you all you need to know about how lucky i am to have God send me this beautiful angel.

thank you.