I just found out that my H has been having an affair with a "coworker". He is a pilot and she is a flight attendant. Long story short, I ran into her at a party when she was drunk and I confronted her in the bathroom and she admitted it. I read the part in Plan A about making sure you don't spend nights apart, but he travels for a living so this is impossible! He agreed to stop seeing her but I just don't know how I can remove the temptation when he spends so many nights a month out of town! He said there is no such thing as a desk job and I don't know anything about the airline industry (he never talks about work and keeps it separate from our home life) so I am wondering what the solution is here, or is there one? I work full time but we are relying on both our incomes to pay our mortgage so he needs to keep his job, and I would never ask him to stop doing what he loves, that is his life! Can Plan A still be accomplished with this type of situation?

Short answer is no.

YOur husband is at high risk of an affair and as you can see he has already surcombed.

You can't trust him.

He hasto get a job where he doesn't need to travel or where you can travel with him.

It's his job or your marriage. That unfortunately is pretty much your only choice.

Your WH can get a desk job. Then have SF with the girl in the office. So whether he flies a plane or desk he can have a PA.

What must be done is that he has NC with OW. THe only way this can happen is if OW or WH find a new employer. Since you can't force out the OW. Your WH has to find a new job.

Expose OWH?

I would disagree with the other posters, and say that it is possible, but very difficult. I have had a similar, but inverse sitch. Last January, I had to take a new job out of state, after being laid off and unemployed for 4 months. Unknown to me, an infatuation was heating up between WW and OM. When we went to new location to househunt, WW said she didn't like the area, and didn't want to move there. She said I should live and stay there until I could get another job back home. WW later revealed that her real motive was to remain closer to OM (same home town) and have me out of the picture.

When I found out about the A about a month later, it had already escalated to a PA. I could only be home every other weekend. I did the best I could when I was home, and called often. But, OM had the home court advantage, so to speak. The only thing inhibiting their affair was that WW was tied down raising our 2-y.o. grandson. Once the A was revealed to our grown child, her pool of babysitters dried up. Together with the fact that she wouldn't let OM in our house with grandson present, restricted their opportunities for SF.

But three things led to the end of the A. First, WW decided she wasn't going to leave or divorce me, but would be content with cake eating. Conversly, OM wasn't satisfied with being OM, and wanted her all or nothing. Finally, I subtled began to show WW that I was recovering from the initial hurt, and was able to move on with my life if necessary. WW later acknowledged that she would have a much tougher time monitoring my life and what I was doing (which is the problem you have). When she realized she couldn't have her cake and eat it too, she (and OM) ended the A.

So, while its much harder to remove the opportunities for WS to contact OP in our sitches, you can at least show WS that you are a much better spouse than he imagined, but also, borrowing somewhat from plan B, that if need be, you are prepared to, and will if necessary, move on with your life. If he is merely cake eating, he will have serious thought of whether this tart is worth losing his wife.

However, it may take some time. If he is actually infatuated with her, I may take 6 months or so before he finally gets her out of his system and stick with no contact.

("Your WH can get a desk job. Then have SF with the girl in the office. So whether he flies a plane or desk he can have a PA.")

Well if that's the case then does it matter if he finds another job or stays with this one? If he wants to cheat he'll cheat with ANYONE. If a WH is committed to recovery, how much of a role does temptation really play?

It would be tough for my H to get another job, the airlines aren't hiring and we rely on his income. I understand that affairs can wreck a marriage but so can poverty! He has agreed to go to couples counselling but I still have this nagging feeling that flight attendants present too much temptation because they are working so closely with pilots, they stay in the same hotels, they are all lonely together, they go out drinking together, that is the lifestyle. He said that this is common, that most of the pilots are having affairs. I told him that's no excuse and it doesn't make it acceptable. I wonder whether his coworkers are a bad influence on him, or whether his newfound commitment to me is enough to carry him through. Temptation is everywhere...if we are truly committed then that shouldn't matter, should it?

Yes, it does matter. The whole premise of MB is that EVERYBODY is suceptible to affairs - committed, "morally pure", whatever. Look at the religious leaders that confess to having affairs. My husband is a mason and they consider themselves to have very high moral standards, and he had an EA.

NC, no contact is what ends affairs and prevents them from restarting.

Your WH can still have more affairs. But first he has to escape your watchful eye and find a new OW.

NC is needed because affair partners are as a drug addict. They need to go through withdrawal for their AP. Your WH can not go through withdrawal for his OW if he has to see her at work.

Also NC prevents the PA from restarting because the OW will not be their to temp him back on the future into another PA.

Which do you want to end the affair, keep it from restarting, save your marriage? Or let your WH keep his job and have contact with the OW.

WH can always find another job. Jobs are replaceable. Marriages aren't. They are kept healthy or die.

Pay cuts aren't permanent. WH can always get a second job.

What is more important losing material standard of livivng or improving and saving your marriage?

Blah blah blah.

Recovery is impossible whilever there is ANY contact.

Your husband needs a job where he won't be so tempted especially given the environment.

Divorce will introduce you to poverty as well.

This IS a clear choice betwee marriage and divorce.

My situation was/is similar. H had a ONS at work; he’s in construction, so he’s on the road a lot. Given the very male environment where adultery is socially acceptable, we’ve struggled with how to heal our relationship with his current job. We’re about 10 mos past D-Day and doing well. Actually, given all of the triggers and setbacks, our relationship is WAY better than it ever had been.

Our plan’s not perfect, and there have been some bumps in the road, but here’s what we’ve done:

H informs me of who he’s working with, who he’s rooming with, and who he’s travelling with; and I have veto power over any of those situations.

H has completely changed his behaviours to limit his time with females on the job, and he is never alone with a female.

H has informed his trusted friends of “the biggest mistake of his life”, so they can provide continued support of me, my H, and our marriage.

H does not socialize with the guys he knows who are not faithful to their wives, he works with them, but no after work “stuff”.

H limits his alcohol consumption while out of town; no bars, and if he does drink it’s either in the hotel room with his roommate (I am informed of who it is, in advance) or a couple of beers at dinner.

H is in continued communication with me, and I with him, when he’s gone.

I am able to verify all receipts and credit card/bank card transactions.



The most important thing is NO CONTACT with the OP ever again! Thankfully this OW got another job shortly after, so NC has been achieved. Make sure your H’s actions match his words!!

Good luck to you, you’re not alone.



BTW, H is looking for another job where he can be home, as we both recognize that is the best way for us to recognize our full potential in our M.

Kath,

Bottlerocket has in my opinion offered you the best option. No contact is crucial to end the affair. But, he is a pilot and even if he leaves commercial flying and goes into other types of flying he is gone alot.

You might want to discuss other flying jobs with him.

However, no matter what job he has, he has had an affair and the both of you need a plan that you both agree to, that will help protect him from temptation.

Bottlerocket offered you her and her H's plan for protecting the marriage. I will offer you mine.

Years ago I used to travel alot. I was gone 2-3 weeks a month. I also got married a bit older than most (30's) and had shall we say an "enjoyable" batchlerhood. So I was familiar with the scene shall we say, and yes that includes flight attendants as in those days they had to be single and were selected for their appearance.

So when I did marry, I knew what the temptations were and decided to avoid them.

When I traveled. I:

1. Never went anywhere there was dancing.

2. Never went out with a female co-worker without other people around.

3. Always carried books and later my computer so that I could read or work in my room.

4. I avoided bars, unless with a group.

In all of my years of traveling I was never tempted to have an affair, not because I was strong, or more moral, or a "better" man, but because I was never tempted by a situation. My plan worked for me.

You and your H need to really talk and discuss what sort of plan HE has to protect you, your marriage, his vows to himself, and his honor. If he doesn't really have a plan, start working with him to develop one. Avoiding the OW is a start.

God Bless,

JL

Kath,

How are you doing? Hanging in there? Has your H agreed to NC?

I was thinking about you and just wanted to check in.

Also, one thing I'd like to add... my H never once questioned any of my bounderies with his work, he was happy/relieved to do whatever he could to help regain my trust and faith.

Be wary if your H digs his heels in, it may mean something...

Just a thought.


I hope you are well.

Hi,

It is not hopeless, even with your H being a pilot.

Yes there must be No Contact with the OW. Your H needs to take Extraordinary Precautions, and you need to maximize your time together meeting each other's ENs, but you can still Plan A an active pilot.

wonderin (a.k.a. wonderin3) did so, and at last report they were doing well.

ForeverHers was one of her most active mentors, maybe put a shout out to him.

JL is great. I can offer suggestions and support, but this is all I wanna say until/unless I know if you're still here. Sorry so short and abrupt, I don't have much time right now. If you post back and want me to write more, I will.

*hugs*