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Joined: Aug 2008
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I'm new here, was referred by a friend. Thanks in advance for your help.

My husband and I have been married 3 years. He adopted my 10 year old son two years ago. I kept some things from my husband about my past before he and I were together and it's driving this huge wedge between us. It's all out in the open now but he can't seem to get over it.

As of this morning he says he doesn't even know if he loves me anymore.

I've been a complete mess all day, I know I brought all this on myself and I don't want to lose him.

Please help me.

I'm broken.

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Please can anyone help me? I don't even know what to say or how to act when / if he comes home.

Joined: Feb 2008
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What was it that you kept from him? It helps to have all of the information so that we can help.

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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I withheld the fact that I was married before. He didn't just find out about it, I came out and told him. It's been a year now, things were going ok, then all of the sudden these past few weeks he got irate about it again. Today it all came to a head before work.

Now he thinks every single thing I've told him is a lie, which it is NOT. I know I have to earn his trust back and I've been completely honest with him about everything.

I love him with all that I am and so does my son.

Joined: Jan 2008
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Was your divorce final when you met him?

Joined: Oct 2007
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Ask him how you can go about learning to communicate better so you can both be completely honest with each other. Tell him you never want to be unable to be completely honest with him, because he means so much to you.

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Yes, it was final. I should have told him, I just didn't want him to think less of me. I know that sounds like an excuse and I guess it is in a way. That was my reason for doing so.

Catperson, I spent all day telling him how much he means to me. I really don't know why it all had to come out again.

I've been overdoing it making sure he knows every single thing I do, I never walk away when I'm talking on the phone, my email and everything is public information. If I leave work, I make sure I tell him. I don't know what else I can do for him trust me. Maybe once trust is broken, I can't get it back..?

He's been very cruel to me about this several times, calling me names and making me feel worthless. I just took it because I probably deserve it.

It's a pretty tough bite to swallow to find out the one person you love more than anything in the world doesn't love you back anymore.

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Well, I didn't really mean just tell him how much he means to you. I meant to discuss how you can have a better relationship - by having better communication. I think the name calling is probably his fear, that someone else had your heart at one time and he might not be your first choice, that kind of thing. However, if it never goes away, you'll need to address it.

I still say fix the communication aspect, since he obviously is just in hurt/self-protect mode.

I'd be pushing for marriage counseling.

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He won't even discuss it anymore. I try to, he walks off or leaves. The way we left it is that he doesn't want me around anymore and since he won't talk to me about it, I guess that's the way he wants it.

I don't know if I should be trying to move or what. School starts in a week and a half so I really need to know what to do.

How do you suggest I get him to talk to me? If he won't talk to me, I'm pretty sure he won't go to counseling.

Joined: Apr 2008
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Let's see, you have a child when you met and he couldn't put 2+2 together?
Did he ever ask if you were divorced?
Or did you lie and say you were never married?

I can't believe any man would be that naive.

He need to quit behaving like a sullen child and "man up".

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My child isn't my ex husband's son.

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SB,

 Quote:
I've been overdoing it making sure he knows every single thing I do, I never walk away when I'm talking on the phone, my email and everything is public information. If I leave work, I make sure I tell him. I don't know what else I can do for him trust me. Maybe once trust is broken, I can't get it back..?


This isn't overdoing. This is called transparency...and you do it to rebuild his trust and to rebuild trust in yourself.

Are you saying you've given him passwords to your email and voicemail? Access to check the cell bill and cell phone?

 Quote:
He's been very cruel to me about this several times, calling me names and making me feel worthless. I just took it because I probably deserve it.


Have you learned about healthy boundaries, how to enforce them? What you did by not being honest with your H was a huge Love Buster (LB). Read all the articles on this website and learn about them...then eliminate them. When you understand these in yourself, and hold yourself to not doing them, then you will enforce your boundary when he does them.

Would you consider he cannot make you feel worthless? That you hiding, withholding this information from him did that, day by day, knowing you weren't acting from honesty and love...until you did tell him? That's the day you began to act from love...keep at it.

Sit down and think of all the ways your lies of ommission hurt the marriage...without all full knowledge, your H adopted your son...he may not have chosen to do that so soon in the marriage if he'd known...can't know. Didn't happen.

Why not call the Harley's for advice and counseling? The info for sessions are at the top of the screen under "Coaching Center".

 Quote:
It's a pretty tough bite to swallow to find out the one person you love more than anything in the world doesn't love you back anymore.


This falls into the LB area again under DJs...why are you choosing to believe he doesn't love you back? He's been manipulated by you for three years because of your lie. That's a lot to deal with in a short period of time.

First, you choose your goal...do you want to recover in your marriage? If you do, then stand for it. You don't leave, you change. You've already put into place transparency...how about a retro transparency? There's a Personal History questionnaire here on this website...want to fill it out?

I caution you to examine your own belief about deserving love and punishment...if you believe you can deserve disrespect or abuse, then you will also disrespect others and abuse them.

Humans do and not do. That's really it. Focus on what you do--and your belief that acting transparent to your partner is overdoing it instead of living up to your half of the marriage is important.

You are half of your marriage...that's your limit and the whole of your responsibility. When you find yourself wrestling something you do not want to do (i.e., honesty) for your partner, see if you will do it for The Marriage. I learned I can honor the marriage even when I don't feel like honoring my DH.

You can do this. You are not broken...sure can feel as if you are.

LA


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