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Joined: Oct 2007
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I'm trying to gain my nerve for more expsoure...this is helping me...today it was 12:30. 13 beers. He was tired and resting. Then we were all going to go to a friends house to swim...he doesn't think he is going to go. Remember before I told you when we went to a friends when OW kids were there he came....I don't think he ever wants to do things with us

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13 beers by noon will do that to a guy.

You should make sure that YOU go with the kids and have fun in spite of his attitude.

Have you worked any more on your Plan B?

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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Sinking,
Thinking of you, hope you are doing okay today...


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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ditto...

how are you doing?

working on exposure?

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Hello everyone! Thank you for thinking of me...I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm really numb now. He had a episode this Sunday night where he freaked out about something little (the hose was rolled up wrong) Flipped broke crap yelled...etc. I was so over all of it. I really wanted on Monday morning just to ask him to leave. He is still playing his same games. "I will never be like that again...I'm lost, I just have to get back to myself...I'm stronger than you think..." I know same ole same ole. I keep thinking o.k. then this is it if we get back here again it is completely over. Then it happens again, and I say the same thing again. I am becoming the doormat I always dreamed of being. (jk) I will get back and tell you what I have so far for the letter and then you can tell me what I should change. Believe it or not, no talk about OW. I did really push for him to talk w/ a conselor, but he won't. We will be here again.

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You are a doormat. I don't say that to be cruel...it's what you have become. Some of it is your fault. Some of it, I believe, is his manipulation. Your relationship is abusive and the reason you keep allowing him to do it is seated in some fear that he has created within you. You may not even be able to admit the fear to yourself...you're nothing without him, you can't live without him, you're the bad one and he's the victim...it may be any of these things or others. I KNOW where you are at. I've BEEN THERE.

That's why I told you what I did. You have to break contact with him and then DO NOT LET HIM TALK TO YOU because his words will bring you back. I think you would be almost best off to wait until he leaves, change the locks, get friends (or police) to support you when he returns, and have someone else give him the Plan B letter. He is a drug that you know you should quit and you keep letting yourself try to make that decision while you're high on the drug. You can't do it that way.

I am here for you, but I don't know exactly what I can help with. I only know where I was when I was with someone like your H. The trick is, I didn't want to recover at all. I wanted to escape from the man who had created such a vile representation of me.

(((sinkingin)))

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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I don't even know what to say except...do you WANT to save this marriage? Are you seeing a counselor yourself? That's where I'd start...and keep working on the letter.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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oh Sink;

There's not much Plan A going on is there?

He is lost, and you are letting him flounder around dragging you and your family down with him.

I WISH so badly that you had the courage and strength to fight for your family.

But maybe its just time for you to get away from his abuse.
Conducting an ongoing affair in your face is about the cruelest form of torture there is. And you've lived with it for months.
There's no wonder that you are beaten down.

Get your boys out of that situation.
Can you leave? Go stay with your parents?
Start over somewhere new.

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I really don't feel like I am in an abusive relationship. I know that over this past year he has certainly used some questionable tactics to keep his affair going. I have lived with emotional abuse before. If he is doing it, it is not intentional. I do beleive that. I simply beleive that he has fallen in love with another woman. It is killing him to even entertain the idea of leaving his family, but I think he can't and won't step away from her. I just need to get on with my life. I need to give up the dream. I guess it sounds a little ridiculas to say, I never dreamed of anything more than a happy home and family. It was my only dream. I guess I will just have to make new dreams now. I know everyone here thinks I am weak. Maybe I am in some respects. It is the "unknown" that makes me weak. If I know what I am facing, I can confront it. With so many questions about his relationship with her, my feeling, and my childrens futures, I have not been able to find my footing. I realize looking back that if I had followed all your instructions from the very beginning that I would never be in this place, but isn't that always the way...? We always question the advice from people who know better. I find myself missing my grandmothers more than ever. A lifetime worth of experience together with looking out for my best interest is what they would give me. I wish I could talk to them. Even now, maybe it is my strength hoding me back. I have dealt with so many things in my life that maybe part of me takes pride in the fact that I can endure such pain...? How stupid is that? I have always been independant also...maybe that was what brought me here. Maybe the fact that I didn't need him more is why I'm here. I feel like this is the only thing I have ever really asked him to do for me, and he won't do it. I don't want this to drag on for more years. I want a resolution, but no matter how hard I want that, it just can't happen. I have no good options now. No easy way or best way out.

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Well, I feel you have talked yourself right out of a marriage. That is okay, it's your prerogative, but unless you follow the plan, you can't know what the outcome would be. Good luck, whatever you decide. BTW, I have a friend whose wife left for the OM and she wouldn't give him up, and finally, after D, she has come back to her BH and is willing to do what she needs to do...she's changed her phone, has NC with OM, are both getting IC, and they are going to move to another state. I believe, finally, they have a chance.


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He has not been drinking for 27 days now, but he is still talking to her. Up at the sports field I still see them exchanging glances and chating in passing. It is just killing me. I wish I could let him have this time to regian his strength and see that he is going down the wrong road, but for some reason I just can't do that. He said he still has feelings for her, I told him just to go and persue that relationship because if not he would always be wondering where it could have gone. Now he is blaming me again. I was feeling very sad about that and slipping into a depressed mess this morning. Until now cause I can already hear the voices saying of course he is mad you are telling there is an end to his cakewalking...He is threatening to not come home etc. can't believe I am doing this to him at work when I am home. I know, it is all my fault right...a year ago next month I found out and he has yet to even say that he will not talk to her. HELP!

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I guess I am fine with him going. Today is hard cause of my kids. I hate this I can't get over that this is happening to them.

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You won't follow the plans.
Is there anything we can do?

I feel bad for you. But if you won't help yourself, I don't think I can.

Personally I think your situation was perfect for MB. Its a shame you didn't take advantage of the plans.

Did you give him an ultimatum or tell him to leave?
Obviously you can't go on in this situation forever.

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What Lex said.

Sink, what are you getting out of this long-drawn-out drama? There must be some pay-off for you. Enjoying being a martyr? Or too fearful of the unknown, that you desperately cling to the evil you know?

What a waste.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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 Quote:
He said he still has feelings for her, I told him just to go and persue that relationship because if not he would always be wondering where it could have gone.


Why on earth would you say something like that? Trying to guilt him?

Sinkin... you're going to end up divorced or continue to stay in a horrible marriage. But no one, not your WH, not your family, not your friends, not us here on MB, can do a dang thing about it. Only YOU can. You've been given GREAT advice (from proven methods) but you continue to do it your way. How's that working for you?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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 Quote:
a year ago next month I found out and he has yet to even say that he will not talk to her. HELP!


All I can say is...

Plan A for a reasonable time, followed by Plan B.

This has been going on so long, and I don't know if you ever did a real good Plan A, but you've been doing *something* for almost a year. Time to move onto Plan B.

from What Are Plan A and Plan B
 Quote:
Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.


Arrange for one last awesome evening, then hand him the PBL that you will write with the help of folks here.

That's it. No questions, no second thoughts, no decisions,no having to work up the courage, no thinking about it, just simply DO THIS ONE THING.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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If you had followed my advice,

You would have sucked it up and done some PLAN A to rebuild the damage YOU have done to this marriage. (I was only suggesting a month)

You would have started working on yourself to make changes to support a NEW marriage with your husband.

By now, you would have been in a safe PLAN B and not being continuously exposed to this affair.

(Your husband expecting you to tolerate this situation is a form of abuse, although you don't seem to recognize that.)

By now, with Plan B you would have made him leave. You would be ignoring his attempts to contact you.

He would be faced with being a very part-time Dad.
He would lose and miss you. He would long for you.
OW would have to make up for the loss of his family (which she can never do)
He would be feeling the CONSEQUENCES of his choices and actions.

With YOUR method, there are no consequences. You just sit back and WISH he would come to his senses. You seem to think crying and being upset or angry with him is going to make him stop.
Putting up with your behavior is a SMALL price for him to pay to be allowed to continue on with his affair.

You seem to think something you SAY is going to magically make his affair end. You do not seem to understand how powerful his addiction to OW is.

If you would have only gotten on board with us, you could almost be DONE with this mess.

UGH....good luck to you.

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 Originally Posted By: Lexxxy
With YOUR method, there are no consequences. You just sit back and WISH he would come to his senses. You seem to think crying and being upset or angry with him is going to make him stop.
...
You seem to think something you SAY is going to magically make his affair end.


I agree. So sink, how's that working for you?

 Quote:
If you would have only gotten on board with us, you could almost be DONE with this mess.


Yes. Even the WORST possible outcome from following the advice here, is better than where you are now.

Don't believe me? Go read Abandonedwith3kids' thread. He was not on board at first. The supposedly worst case happened, it turned out to go to Plan D after all. Who is more at peace with themselves, who has protected their kids more: you or him?

 Quote:
UGH....good luck to you.


This has truly been a sink, a time sink.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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 Originally Posted By: sinkingin
I told him just to go and pursue that relationship because if not he would always be wondering where it could have gone.


Have you ever heard the song "Unanswered Prayer"? In that song, a man THANKS GOD that he didn't get what he'd once wished for! No, your husband need not wonder the rest of his life "where it could have gone" with her, instead it seems he will be left to wonder where it could have gone...with YOU!

Crying does nothing. Lamenting does nothing. What will do something is showing respect for yourself and making it less easy to be walked on...there is a plan here, it doesn't always salvage the marriage, but it has salvaged thousands of them...it's worthy of consideration. You are sorry your kids have to go through this...so do the best thing for them and wake up! Try Plan A (if not too late already) then go to Plan B and if that doesn't do it, get out of this and show some self-respect! Do not ever let a man humiliate you like this again!

It's not that I am not sorry for you, I am sorry more than you can imagine...I've been there and worse, but there comes a time you need to stand up and enough is enough! Getting control over yourself is less likely to result in the WS feeling justified in their behaviors.

I sincerely wish you the best outcome...please do read Abandoned with 3 kids thread, his transformation is remarkable and the kids will have the best possible outcome they could have given this situation.


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Everything I do , besides this website is always seen. Whenever I have tried to hide things here...diaries, or even my entries here, I a always followed. Not on purpose, but I have no privacy. That's why I never read the books. Even in the library last week I tried to look for the section of books and my 4 year old was jumping all around, and I couldn't even sit down with it. Enough excuses. I have tried to do all the things that I thought I could do. I think you all would be surprised to know I am really not a very wimpy and emotional person. During the last year I have done so much plan A it makes me want to puke. I realize I couldn't have been doing everything right in marriage, or this never would have happened. After a lot of soal searching and self reflection, I think my only real crimes were my lack of "needing" him and giving him too much freedom. I did give it the month...the month was up on the 15th...I just didn't follow through. I realize I am letting him do this to me, and even if he thinks he is struggling he still has us both. Until I force him to choose he will not. He said he would not come home today, but then he did. My weakness is that despite the fact that he was willing to hurt me, I find it hard to abandon him. It is hard to let someone you love be in pain. I know that all of my "counceling sessions" with him have been in vain, but you would be surprised that I have done a lot more plan A then I have eluded to here. He came home didn't say a word and went and laid down upstairs. When he wakes up I will make sure he goes. I can hear him now though..."I don't have anywhere to go".

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