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#2104960 08/06/08 11:20 AM
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I found out 3 months ago dat my h had an affair.He confessed 1 month later.Said it was just a fling n he seem broken about it since many people found out.Said it wudn't happen again.

I know it is over between them but im so hurt, disappointed and angry. We speak about it and us constantly.I'm stickin with him but it still makes me mad.I've lost my appetite and about 20-25 lbs.

How do i get over this?? I am a spiritual person and pray etc. its still hard though.they had d affair for about 2 months. Help...i'm ready to pull my hair out...


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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I am sorry to hear what you have been through, but you are in the right place.

First, give yourself a break. You are very close to d-day. And I don't know that you can say you're in recovery yet, if you haven't started a clear plan for recovering.

Second, get Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Read everything you can from this website...start with the Basic Concepts link at the top of the page. Dr. Harley has a GREAT plan for surviving after infidelity. It is VERY possible to get back to a great place in your marriage.

A couple of questions:

Is the A over for sure?

How did your H meet the OW?

Did you find out about the A or did he tell you?

Was it a PA (physical A) or an EA (emotional A)?

Is No Contact established with the OW?

Did you expose the A to anyone?

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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The A is over for sure. He met her through an organization where he is d president. He only knew her for 1 month before any physical contact.
I found out about the affair and confronted him. He denied it but confessed later.
I spoke to the other woman, she denied it and tellin me nothing physical happened.
I told my siblings and other people knows through other people who knew about d affair.


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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How do you know the A has ended?
Does your H still have contact with the OW in this group that he's the president of?
Is the OW married? If so you should tell her BH.

How is your H acting toward you now?

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The ow is not married. I always check the phones for calls to or from her. She is really embarassed because we were living in the same community. He seems really shaken up about it. we are working on rebuilding.


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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The first step of recovery is absolutely NO CONTACT...you need to be sure of this, or your recovery is a waste of time.

Have you read up on NC letters?


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
introvert #2105133 08/06/08 02:28 PM
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No I haven't.... what is that?


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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I know how hard this is but I have decided to just concentrate on one day at a time. I am feeling so much better than yesterday. I'm also praying and reading my bible more. Reading other books help as well.


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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IWS,

You need to read the Basic Concepts on here and get yourself a copy of Surviving an Affair. These are two resources that will help you make your recovery a reality and not just a dream.

You and your M have suffered an incredible blow. You cannot leave recovery up to chance...you need to actively pursue it. There are so many amazing stories of recovery here, but the common thread is that these people followed a plan. Yes, they read books. Yes, they prayed. But they sought a plan of action and followed it.

A No Contact Letter is a first start. It is a letter that your H must write to OW. He needs to address the wrongs that he has done to you and how committed he is to you and your family. He needs to let OW know that the A was hurtful and wrong and that it is over. He needs to tell her that he will NEVER contact her again, nor accept any contact from her.

He writes it. You read it. You mail it to OW.

Then the work begins. You need to learn about Love Busters and Emotional Needs...basically you try to identify the things that makes your spouse feel good and do more of that, and identify the things that makes your spouse feel bad and do less of that. Basic Concepts at the top is where you go to really find the info.

But No Contact is first. If you don't have that established, it's like trying to recover from a drug addiction while still using the drug.

Good luck.

MogiSola


BW (me)
FWH (him - he's earning the F)
3 boys (4, 5, and 7)
M 1997
LT EA/PA 2004-2007
D-Day #1 Feb 2006
Joined MB.
D-Day #2 Feb 2008
D-Day #3 Aug 2008
Began REAL recovery Sept 2008.


MogiSola #2110411 08/15/08 10:11 AM
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Thank you so much MagiSola, all your info help a lot. I am going to write down a plan of action for recovery. My h and I will be in deep communication on the weekend to try to fully recover. So we both will be dealing with the issues.
A couple months ago, I had him call the ow and said the A never should have happened, it was a mistake etc. i was right there listening to everything.


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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I know this has broken your heart.:( Just remember to breathe and eat. You are getting a lot of good advice here. Can you look though his computer for evidence of them still being in touch? Maybe installing a key logger would help.

jewelldy #2110437 08/15/08 10:35 AM
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I have installed a keylogger...there are no evidences here on d pc. I know for a fact that the affair is over and they are not in communication.....I have other proofs of that fact. Thanks for your advice. I just have to remember to eat....


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....
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I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, but you have come to a very good place.

If you read this website and the other books that have been suggested, you'll start to understand the dynamics of an A. They are all the same, just different characters.

You will feel every emotion that there is and dealing with those emotions is what can be sooo difficult. If the A is completely over and NC is in place forever, then R can begin. Your WH will need to become completely transparent and be willing to do all that you need him to do to help you R.

Will he answer your questions?

Has he given you all of his passwords, etc?

Are you expressing your feelings in a healthy way so they don't eat you up?

Are you spending 15+ hours a week with him so you can both attempt to meet eachothers EN's?

Does he know your ENs and you his?

Have you looked at yourself to understand your contribution to your M pre-A? It's hard, but necessary.

Remember, you are not alone. We have all been there. Keep posting and reading. Learn MB principles...they really will help you.

And yes....eat! Take care of yourself. You've been through a trauma.

This is not a sprint, but a marathon. It's going to be hard, even harder than you think. It's par for the course.

Good to have you here.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
MicheleG #2111657 08/18/08 09:29 AM
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Thank you so much MicheleG, Your words of encouragement and advice have helped so much.

To answer your questions, He answers all my questions, he didnt give me his password but I got it through keylogger. There is nothing in his mails at all(The OW and H were not communicating through internet).
I am trying to express my feelings to him but once/twice I get angry, most times I'm calm.
We spend a lot of time together these days, he wants me to go most places with him.
About knowing each others EM, we plan to do the EN questionaire that's here.
To answer your last q, I have looked but not so deeply...I can see things where I am faulted but not serious enough to have an affair....hope I'm not bein bias.


Me: 35 WH:52 Found out: May 08 A: march-April 08

God is my Refuge and Strength, a very present help in times of trouble....

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