i, too, posted in general but mis-stated some chronology of my marriage and the responses became convoluted.

my wife moved out of the house arounf june 20th after i violated a promise i made to her. i had a stroke in january and promised her i would not drink alcohol again.

i drank a beer after moving the lawn may 19th. she became infuriated, flung her wedding ring at me and said "i'm done, how could you do this to someone who worked so hard to keep you alive???" (this is true, see my original post and you'll know what she did. she is an amazing woman) i am nearly fully recovered at least in part because of this angel.

comments that wife has made in the past about our relationship:

"your love is like a cage."

"you used me to prop up your self esteem."

"you spent our money on booze and questioned me about buying clothes."

those statements were made post-separation.

so she secretly planned the move-out, saved money and got a nice apartment for her and our 4 kids. she's been out several weeks. my steps, so far, are as follows:

1) been seeing a clinical psychologist/relationship counselor.

2) took counselors advice and began attending aa

3) currently sober for 77 days.

4) at the counselors advice am working the burns book "ten days to self esteem.

5) same...read and implemented gary smalley's "win your wife back" book.

the separation has been devastating to me. i have seen what i think are signs that she may be seeing me in a new, better light. for example:

1) she often invites be over for swimming, dinner and a dvd movie with her and the kids.

2) she refers to me in terms of affection fairly often. "hon" is common.

3) she asks me out on recreation dates pretty often. walks along the river, visits to the park, etc.

4) while we are together, we seem to be the proverbial 2 peas in a pod.

i could go on. the point is, i think she appreciate my efforts.

she has agreed to attend counseling with me every 4-5 weeks. that was a suggestion of the counselor. last time wife attended, counselor asked what differences wife noticed with my sobriety. wife said she saw that i was more willing to admit she was right about issues. other than that, she said "maybe i have blinders on" and am not seeing things.

so, i am here looking for some advice. what more can i do? for those of you who have reconciled, am i reading the signs right?

thank you for any constructive criticism you can provide.

I think you need to be patient and stay the course.

You are proving to your wife you can date her. That's good. But dating well doesn't mean you live together well. When your counselor feels it's a good idea, maybe she could attend more sessions with you, or go to a couple on her own. So that she can tell him stuff she may not want to say directly to your face.

I'd probably want a realy plan for how to change stuff before I moved back in, and a commitment to Marriage counseling and possibly IC counseling for a loooong while.

holy smokes the be patient and don't push things camp wins again!
my wife graciously joins me and the kids on a drive up to our old summer getaway. on the way up, among other things she says, "it's nice to be around you when your not so uptight" (result of, i believe, having fun, laughing, joking, being my old self). then out of the blue, my son says "mom can we go camping today?" wife says: "no son, not today, but maybe dad can reserve our old spot for next weekend." so i reconfirm with her, you sure next weekend is ok? yes she says. consider campsight number 16 reserved at french creek! thank you everyone for your insight!!!

looking back, i've been at this for about two months. seems like a long time, but it WILL be a long time, i suppose, before i earn the kind of trust back that will heal this marriage.

good news is: we're still married. and i'm still sober

bad news is: we're still separated. and i hate that.

we still do things ("date") regularly. we recently went to a jim gaffigan comedy show. had a great time.

almost every moment of "down time" she has me over or we go out with the kids and truly enjoy one anothers' company.

dinners, movies (in AND out) tv, parks, drives, everything.

i don't remember if i posed the question before, but, does this seem like someone who wants a divorce? and if so, why isn't she filing for one?

finally, i seem to have a definite advantage, she's still communicating with me! so how do i parlay that into "the next step?"

thank you.