Before you read the whole post, please know that I am the WS.

I don't want to tell the whole story. I just want to talk to someone in my position. Married nearly 11 yrs. H is workaholic and withdrawn emotionally. My attempts to get him to meed my EN end up with me feeling like I was wrong to ask and why can't I just be happy with our life? It's not bad. I've been an avid MB believer for 8 years. Tried just about every concept to woo him into meeting my EN. I'm exhausted. I'll never be good enough to deserve what I need from him.

Strange circumstances led to A. Love OM but won't leave my H. Am keeping my distance but we still see each other socially, which kills me. On top of that, H is still not meeting my ENs. I have a severe pain disorder that seems to be pulling me into a depression. I think I might be going a little crazy.

Can't stop thinking about the best way to really just not wake up one morning without destroying people that love me.

Yeah, I know. I'm stupid. I'm ridiculous. I'm deceitful and all the lousy things you can think of. Can we skip that part and hear from those in my shoes? Thanks.

You're in a very painful place.

I've been married to a workaholic who put me and the children last on his list (literally - he cancelled tons of activities with us to do work related things; we always came second and had to accept the crumbs).

I've also been in an EA and had to cease contact, and it's not easy at all.

I've not done both at once.

I can tell you this, though - you have to stop seeing OM *ever*. You can never, never see him, or call him, or email him, or text him, or ask your friends how he's doing. NONE of that. It hurts, it sucks, but it's the right thing to do in every way.

I also think you should tell your H about OM and then put extraordinary precautions in place to prevent contact with OM. Give your cellphone to your H, give him all passwords to all email accounts, let him install a key logger on the computer, let him put a GPS tracker on the car, let him bug the telephone... EVERYTHING the two of you can think of to prevent contact with OM.

Are you ready to do that?

What turtlehead said. And Emmy, this is really taking a toll on you physically. You need to do something immediately.

If I told H about the OM, he would leave. Plain and simple.

When I was diagnosed with my illness, my world changed. Nobody else's did. I had to quit my job. I had to stop doing just about everything. I live on pain medication and live with the idea that I'm letting everyone down all the time.

Even before that, if I didn't cook or clean or give H extra attention, he never cared. He loves me, I know that. But he seems happy to just go to work and come home. I am not a priority. Someone said on another post they were such a workaholic that at one point they set a paper on the table and asked their wife what she would live without and he would get another job that took less out of him. It could have been my H that said that. If I left for some space and told him to think about what I meant to him, he would let me go. He would not fight for me.

If I am going to do this, I am doing it alone. OM is one of my best friends. I am under no delusions that he is not right for me. This was a mistake. If I had never gone there, I would never know what I am missing now. Cutting off complete contact? I don't know if I am strong enough to do that yet. I have tried (I know the MB concepts inside and out, I think). I know it's the right thing to do.

My H's biggest EN is money. Security. He exaggerates everything I spend and then withdraws when there isn't "enough" to make him feel comfortable. I think his position is that he is giving me everything he has and if it's not enough, then I shouldnt' be with him.

He's a good guy, he's just thoughtless. We've gone over MB concepts, but he has never taken it upon himself to act on them. I read the books. I take the steps.

I am too tired for any of that anymore. I don't want to leave, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to see the OM. I don't want my marriage to be like this. I don't want to feel pain every moment of every day. I'm just...breathing. In and out. For now.

You don't know that he wouldn't fight for you. You need to tell him everything, no matter what.

He has the right to know and the right to decide what he wants to do. You brought another person into your marriage. This is wrong.

You have to fess up. You have to face the consequences of your actions.

The first step is always the hardest. Just suck in your gut and DO IT.

Charlotte

You don't KNOW that your H will leave when you tell him about OM.
To say that is a DJ.


You say he doesn't act on the concepts. As long as you're in contact with OM your love bank is not available for your H to put deposits into. I'm sure you don't SEE your BH taking steps, and perhaps he doesn't. I would wager he is trying to make small deposits here and there, but you're not open to them because you're withdrawn from your H. That's not fair to your H.

If you cease contact with OM, and get through withdrawal, then you can be more open to your H's efforts, no matter how small. Then you can begin to build the M together.

You say you take the steps, but you don't. Not really.

- You pretend to avoid LBs while engaging in a gargantuan act of dishonesty.
- You know NC is necessary but you continue to see OM.
- You didn't POJA this affair with your husband, I bet.

I'm not trying to tell you how horrible you are or anything like that. I'm trying to help you see that what you tell yourself is not matching up with your actions. That's a tough pill to swallow, but swallow it you must if you desire true change.

This MB stuff is simple, but it's not easy. It's very, very hard.
If you truly want your marriage to improve, you have walk the walk in addition to talking the talk. That's one tough look in the mirror, I know.

I can understand the idea of telling him.

However, I have always believed that telling the BS is usually for the WS to get it off their chest, and does no good for the BS. In this case, he is so obsessive compulsive that the idea of my body being touched by someone else would make him never be able to touch me again. I have no doubt in my mind. And I don't blame him. That should have been his, and his alone.

I just want to fix this all myself and let him be blissfully unaware. Just let him step up a bit more with my ENs. Ok, a lot more. I would sooner be able to completely cut off contact with the OM than tell my H about him.

BUT-I am not completely opposed if I feel it's necessary. It would have to be really stinkin' necessary though.

You have no idea what your husband's reaction will be. He doesn't either. Nobody knows how they will respond to something like this until it happens.

I lean toward doubting that your husband will leave over an EA. Men are usually more threatened by physical involvement, while women are more threatened by emotional involvement. By sharing what has happened, he may finally see how seriously damaged your marriage is and be more willing to work on it with you.

The only way your marriage has a chance is if you cut the OM out of your life completely. As long as he is in it, you will continue to compare him and your husband. The OM is a fantasy relationship, and fantasy often wins out over reality. Your marriage needs the energy you are wasting on the OM.

Emmy,
I am a FWW and I do know what you’re going through. Your relationship with the OM made you feel alive after years of loneliness, and it’s hard to break free of it now. I promise you that the only way to restore your marriage is to tell your H. Yes, you will risk losing him, but the two of you need to work on this together to rebuild your marriage. This will also force you to break contact with the OM.

When I told my H about the A, he told me immediately he wanted a divorce. He told me to remove my wedding ring and I didn’t have a right to wear it. I refused to take it off, and I went to my mother’s house with our daughter and we lived there for about four days. I called him every day, several times a day, but he never picked up the phone. I told him over and over again that I loved him and wanted to come home.

God works in very mysterious ways. My mother collapsed in the middle of the night while I was at her house. She has never done that. I had her taken to the hospital and I called my H the next morning to tell him what happened. He didn’t answer the phone, but he called me back later that morning to talk about it. As we talked, he softened and he confessed that he missed me. Eventually, he asked me to come home.

It has been a rollercoaster ride, but now we are both committed to recovery and meeting each other’s ENs. This would not have happened if I didn’t tell him about the A. My H was a lot like yours, and this was our wake-up call.

By the way, my mom is totally fine now. She was out of the hospital in less than two days.

Have you called the Harleys?

Mrs. Z

Just a thought...

Maybe the fact that you are so eager to hear what you want to hear, not anything else, and not from anyone who is unlike you...is the reason you are all of these things you mention.

Like I said...just a thought...and I'll go away now so you can hear what you want to hear, and nothing else.

So are you saying that it is/was a PA rather than an EA?


Really? If the shoe were on the other foot, you would rather be blissfully unaware that your husband was so miserable in the marriage that he was involved with someone else than know the truth so you could try and fix the marital issues?

The A has only been going on for a year. Yeah. Only. Gosh sometimes I am just astounded by my own stupidity. And yes, it has been a PA.

Anyway, my point was that I have been engaging in MB concepts for 8 years, always revisiting them when he reverted back to his independent behavior and thoughtless actions. I never believed I would succumb to an A. So as for giving him a chance to put deposits in, recently I would say you are right. But there is 7 years prior that he had a chance to do so.

I definitely know that NC is necessary. My problem is that I am good friends with his wife and see them regularly on a social basis. Before you judge, they have an open marriage and she approved of our relationship. Cutting them both off will be...while probably necessary, extremely difficult. I have tried twice now. But...I will try again.

Two things jump out at me. You have been having the affair for one year; coincidentally you first posted here exactly one year ago. If things had been bad for all those years, why had you not at least posted a single post asking advice before? Sounds like a case of marital history re-write.

And another thing, are you saying OM's wife has know all along that you have been having sex with her H for a year?

This account is a new one. I stopped coming to the forums about 3 years ago. I still read the articles.

The OM and his wife have an open relationship. She sees other people too.

Does she know you have been HAVING SEX with her H for a year? I'm not asking if she knows you have seen him. That can mean a lot of different things.

Yes, she knows we have been having sex. That is what I mean by "seeing other people".

Soooo ... you basically used MB to learn HOW to conceal an A from your BH. Nice piece of work.

I'm sorry, but you're trying too hard to wrap everything up in a nice little package with a pretty bow on top, but the fact remains, you're just another fogged up WW attempting to justify her actions by re-writing her marital history by demonizing your BH.

You've even convinced yourself that the OMW is OK with it also ... you ARE good.

Emmy,

I see you writing a great deal about how your husband did not meet your needs.

What I don't see:

You and/or your husband going to counseling together PRIOR to your affair, to discuss the fact that you were feeling the need to step outside your marriage to have your needs met.

Open and radical honesty with your husband regarding your needs.

Open and radical honesty with your husband regarding what his needs are, especially with regards to the fact that he would rather be working than at home with YOU......

Open and radical honesty with your husband regarding the fact that you have been having sex with a so-called friend.

Filling out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire either with or without your husband and working on meeting those needs FOR HIM, in order to meet his needs and make him WANT to be home to meet YOURS.

Spending 15 hours a week with your husband, and POJAing with him to be sure that he works toward making it a priority to be at home with you. As a MBer, you would have worked toward this end, and not taken "no" as an answer. Maybe an effort to go see him for lunch every day (since you don't work) might have jump-started things, instead of spending time trying to steal time with your OM....


I've just mentioned a few MB ideas. I just don't see that you can justify your affair, Emmy. Nope.

You are wrong in what you are doing.

Wrong to not tell your Betrayed Husband.

You don't want to tell him because you are afraid he will leave you?????


OH.....WAIT......but you just said your OM is soooo much better.....

Which is it?

You are foggy, Emmy. You have rewritten history, take a look.

Your BH needs to know, and you KNOW THAT.

Tell him, and get yourself in check.

And stop contacting the OM. Which you KNOW is wrong, too.

Well said, Fred. I'm not quite this eloquent yet, but I hope to get there.

Thank you for your helpful comment.

There is always much more to the story than can be typed out in one post.

I spent the 7 years prior to the A using the MB tools to try and make him the happiest man I could. I spent all my time and energy trying to learn to be better with money to meet that main need of his. I tried to be "good enough" to earn the love and admiration I needed. I got involved in church and found hobbies that lined up with his idea of what I should be. I made him my life.

When I became ill, I found I couldn't do all those things anymore, and in fact needed help. Emotional support along with help at home and more effort on his part to keep up the work I had done for so long. The loss of my paycheck added stress to him financially and I think he began to withdraw even more when I needed him most. He would work, then come home and sit in front of the computer writing scripts and programs. He didn't want the meals I prepared because "he didn't want to eat dinner that late...at 6 p.m.". He went to bed early, and even when I went with him, he read his book and said goodnight, rolling over and going to sleep. He hardly spoke to me. He had no interest in initiating sex. I tried harder with the MB concepts. Then I just stopped trying. I resigned myself to just life the way he wanted to and maybe I would adjust. Maybe I could adjust my ENs. About 6 months later, the A began.

The OMs wife and he have always had relationships (yes, sexual ones) outside of their marriage. Think "Swingtown" and you're close to their lifestyle. I thought it was strange, because my idea of marriage is nothing like that. Ironic.

Now I regret the decision to have the A, I am stuck in a position where I miss the OM but want to try again meeting my Hs ENs. And yes, I plan to begin NC. Asap. But somewhere I know that nothing has changed. So I feel very hopeless.