Yesterday was a roller coaster ride from heck.
I got out to coaching and W txt me saying "please come out now instead of after coaching" so I did. I get there and she is in bed crying and looked to have been there all day.
She told me to leave that she shouldn't have called me to come by. I sat there a mine trying to absorb what she just said. I said there has to be a reason you called me to come out. Every time I would go to leave she would start crying worse, like I was walking out on her so I came back sat by the bed and let her vent. She calmed down a bit and I out in a video for her, we wathced it for a while and she was calm enough that I thought i could leave and go pick up her present at the resturant. I told her what I was doing and if she was doing better when I got back I would leave. So I went to pick this up, got back and gave it to her. She wanted help setting the time etc, a watch, so I did.
She has stopped crying and seemed to like the gift. Told her I was going to go and she said no. Okay, what just happened, was my thought. She takes my glassed off sits there a min, I asked her if she was going to punch or slap me. She said no and started kissing me.???? Did I miss something here as she has not done that in years. So we know where that led to. I went and got here dinner, helped a bit around the house and we watched another movie. She went to het in shower and i asked if she wanted me to wait to go until she was done, she said no stick around. She went to bed and asked if I would stay with her for the night. So I did. I am really confused. Today she seems ok with me even kinda joking. Went to lunch and then I left. She asked if she wanted me to come back tonight if I would. Uhm Of cource. This is the most she has wanted to be around me in years. I sure hope this is a new beginning. Again she is talking about our future. ?????

So I have been spending time out at the house helping her out and making dinner. She told me she is happy to see my truck in the drive way which for the last few years she dreaded. Also told me yesterday she can't beleive how different I am for the better. We have spent a lot of time together in the past four days. A lot of talking about just life, work and our animals. I see her opening up more each day. I have plans with ther on Thurs and on Sat and hope to build on what we have been doing this week. After a couple of weeks of this I would like to find out where she wants this to go, hopefully move back in but won't push for that. I am so happy to see her see my changes and compiment me on them she has also been very open about thanking me for helping out and how much that means to her. I think I am on the right track. Would love to be back there today but still need to give her time to accept me back which I hope she does.

Your wife seems to be extremely confused right now. As I am sure you have noticed. For her to go from you bought signing the papers to her to the next day here being very vulnerable, is not unheard of, but is a very volatile position that she is in. I suggest you tread lightly and take time. She needs time to think and heal as do you. For you both to rush bright back into each others arms right now would not be the wisest choice. The two of you need to have a serious sit down, calm heart to heart to see what you both want the future to hold. Then if you both agree on working things out you need to get into a counselor/coach and work out your issues. To jump back into the relationship before you work out the issues, is like walking back into a smoldering house that's flames have not been yet fully extinguished.

We are doing the coaching thing. We have already put in place a few of the tasks we were assigned and is making things a bit more friendly between us. She has been listening to the cd's for the class and has scheduled her time to make the classes. I think we will get a lot out of the classes but the most progress will be when we start the one on one with our coach.
I see a change in her where she has been more open to me and letting me in a bit. It was nice to hear her say she doesn't fear seeing my truck in the driveway anymore and how much different I am lately. I can thank new meds, plenty of counceling and lots of determintation for that. It will be a life long journey to keep myself level headed. It will also be a life long work in progress when we do get back together. I am glad we are doing the coaching together as it is starting to pay off and gives a great foundation to build a healthy relationship on.
We do need to take it slow, I agree. I would love to move back in today but that would not be wise. It will take months, I'm sre, before we get to that point. If it takes six months or two years as long as we are going forward and feeding each others needs we will be on the right track. She even agreed last night that she does see us back together and that she wants that. This is the first time she has been blunt about that, so something is working, at least last night.:)

I am glad to hear you are both attending coaching together and that you know it is going to take time. All to often people tend to jump back into the old relationship and go back to the same old rut they were in before.

Its been a while so I wanted to update.
Soon to be EW and I have been going to MC. When she does the assignments its eems to bring us closer, however she doesn't do them all.
I have started going out to the house. Mainly I have been showing her that I can do the work she didn't think that I would do and more. I have been doing most of the house work, laundry, yard work, taking care of the animals and often cooking or buying dinner. I put fresh flowers in two spots each week. Have started training one of our dogs in a sport we both had done together before. In fact I just did a comp yesterday. W showed up telling me she was proud of me for traing, and the follow through of trialling the dog. That made me feel wonderful
MC has given us many tasks. There are two that we need to do every day. One is to fill out a chart telling the other what they did today that made them feel loved. The other is we need to have 3-5 daily rituals that "feed" the R. I am very faithful about doing this, W however is not. Usually only does it when i bring it up. We have learned so wonderful communication skills there as well and our conversations have been more civil. Still have a long way to go but progress is being made.
There are two issues that bug me very bad. One is the "Icare but don't love you and don't know if I can or want to". The other is a OM.
The "I don't love you " thing I see some of but her actions speek louder to me than the words. She is the type of person that if she didn't want me around, I wouldn't be around. She would never let me out to house if there wasn't something that she see's that she needs or wants. She has told me many times that she likes the changes to my presonality that I have made in the past few months but that she almost expects me to revert back to who I was. I like who I am better now than at any time in my life so that is a very slim chance. There is also when she told that MC that she has some hope for the future and is willing to work on it. Then the next week tells me that she doesn't think that she can work on it as she doesn't think that she will change her mind about me. I feel that she is very scared and afraid that she does have feelings but doesn't want to get hurt again. Thoughts?
As for the OM. I got to snopping around and found out that she had put a singles add on the internet. I do know that she has gone out with at least one guy from there. She also has a friend, as she puts it, in her dog training club that she likes to "hang out" with. She tells me not to worry that there is nothing between them and that she has not pursued anybody fromn the net in a month. So I looked at her txt messages and saw a few that could be suggestive to the "friend" and found a box of condoms in her drawer with four missing. She said she has had them since I got kicked out in July "just in case". She did produce the four that were missing. Last week I was looking in her bag and foudn four, the box now has six. A day later the bag had three. So I call BS on her. She won't admit or deny just tells me that I am making assumtions and not to worry. What ever!!!! This is even funnier since I mentioned a week or so ago that I was thinking to go visit an old GF that I have stayed friends with for about 6 years. She was GF long before I got married to W. So W says why don't I go visist somebody else? I don't have anybody else to go visit. "If I find out that you have sex than I am done, its a deal breaker". There won't be, we don't even have feelings like that anymore and that is the farthest thing from my mind. Does anybody see a double standard here???!!!!
I know I need to trust her and there is no direct just circumstancal evidence of OM. But for her to tell me that makes me mad as h#!!.
So a few things have happened in the past month. Still have hope for the future for our R but starting to have my doubts and just needed to vent.
B

This week has been better. Monday we had a great dinner and watched tv. Last Thurs the coach told me to hint to her how much she needs me to help her around the house. So I asked her in a silly way, "who takes care of you the best?". She smiled and said "you" then thanked me for all that I had done for her that day. Went to leave gave a short hug, in the past I have tried to give longer hugs, but this was short. She gave me an odd look, like she was confused. Turned around said good night and walked out the door.
Next day when she came home from work I was working in the garden, she came out to help. We also took two of the dogs for a long, 7 mile, walk. This was the best time we have had with each other in years. The converstion was smooth, friendly, she mad eye contact, shared how she has been feeling about life, joked around, talked about the future(garden, dogs, yard). All in all it was as if we were best friends again. We both even wrote that in our home work for coaching.
Another thing she did was do her home work from coaching on her own one day that I was at work. That was neat to see that she had done that without me reminding her.
Weds. I did the "I have plans" thing when she came home. We talked a bit and I said I need to go and have a great night. Again she gave a puzzled look. She wrote that down in her homework, that I gave her space without asking.
FYI. the home work is to write things that the partner did that day to make you feel loved. Fun idea, everybody should try it. I think it makes her see that I do a lot for her and she does, despite what she says, show love for me.
Thurs I made her dinner and we watched tv. She snuggled up to me on the couch and had me hold her in my arms. As soon as the show was over I got up and said I need to go. Short hug. This time she held on a bit longer and even layed her head on my shoulder. As well as the puzzeled look.
Earlier that night I had come from therapy. She noticed something was wrong. We ended up talking about what had happened in therapy. Therapy, basically told me to move on that she is a lost cause. I dissagree. Anyway, we got into the R talk. She says she doesn't know if she will love me but appreciates my changes and my effort. I think I shocked her when I said that even if she asked me today to move back in that I wouldn't. Third puzzeled look of the week. She asked why and almost seem hurt. I told her I have more work to do on myself and that she needs to get help with her mental issue. She agreed. Told her I don't even think that six months down the road would I be ready. Said earliest would be next summer. She got a huge look of relief. Asked as much an she said that is a huge load off of her thinking that I am in a hurry. Asked her that since I am doing this for me and us if she would commit to getting help. Told her I could walk away a lot easier if she could, with a clear head, tell me she didn't want me. She agreed. Even asked if she could see my Psych nurse. Now the follow through will be the test.
Anyway all in all a good week.
She admits that I take care and know her the best. She likes that.She is showing signs, again, of going to go get help for her issues. She is acting more like my best friend and not the mad WAW. Don't get me wrong that part of her shows through but is starting to get shadowed by the friend.
Some very positive signs this week. Hope that I can stay the course and keep them rolling. Only time will tell.

It has been a while and thought I would share how things have been going.
The past month has been a good month if you will. W and I have been spending a lot of time together. I can feel that she is gaining more trust and feeling more comfortable around me. We started going on a very long walk one day a week. These walks are very relaxing, we talk like we are best friends, both enjoying them very much.
Around end of Oct. we had a couple dinner dates where I made different soups. She would leave the recipes out on the table in the morning and when I got there I would go to store and get stuff. It woudl be done for her when she got home from work. This seemed to work very well for us.
She was filling in her daily homework even before I could get to it. That is a change from when I would leave it out on the table as a hint for her.
I also started dating two weeks ago. I noticed that W became a bit jealous. This was a great feeling, felt like I had some "power" now.
A week later I took one of our dogs to California to a dog trial. This was huge for both me and W. First for me, going there alone, following through with the trainging and not asking her for help. For W it was a huge trust builder as this dog is her "baby". She would call us every night to get updates and text a couple times a day as well. Even told me before we left she would miss both the dog and me.
The same time I was taking the dog her mother was in town. This was my chance to show how my anger issue's have been doing. Day before she got here I cleaned the house spotless. Bought flowers and put them in the guest bedroom, guest bathroom, and W's bedroom and bathroom. MIL came the next morning and thanked W for the flowers. W said she didn't put them there, told her I had. MIL gave a funny look and walked away not saying a thing. Next day I needed to pick up the dog for training. MIL left for a bit and while she was gone I picked up dog from W. Had a great conversation while I was there, brought her her fav coffee. MIL gets home after I leave and W tells her not to worry about dog getting into food. MIL asked why, W told her I had the dog. Another funny look and silence. Next day W told MIL that I would be out to take care of the livestock and the dogs(4). MIL wasn't happy with this but didn't get in the way. I am very proud of W for finally standing up to her mother. This is the first time since I have know W that she has done this.
So I come back from California. The whole trip home I felt like I didn't want to go back that something wasn't right. Well I should listen to my gut. Get home, W goes for a run. I go to take out the garbage and there is a condom wrapper in the garbage. Now I have known that she has been with OM on and off since July. This time hurt veru bad. Not sure why it hurt me this time but I lost it. Sromed out of the house, she called and asked where I went. Ended up coming back and confronting her about it. She wouldn't say a thing. Told her how hurt I was and how selfish I feel that she won't put the effort into "us" that she is into OM. Well this started a three day fight that more of less ended in our coaching session. Told her I can't do this if she continues to see OM. She gets very defensive and says that she doesn't trust me now because I got angry about this. ??? I did get angry but never in the way I have in the past. I expressed my feelings but never raised my voice or said demeaning things to her. Kinda feel I have the right to get a bit upset about this! So in coaching she says we need to stop seeing each other so much. She says only two days a week now. Had been up to five. This has been a huge blow to me and I know we have taken a step back but I see so there is hope. She even admitted last coaching and this coaching that there is hope.
The past week she has called me and just chatted. Even called me while I was at work and asked how my day was. Hasn't done that for a very long time, over a year. When she has called its not the quick call, it lingers. You know when you just talk about nothing and then there is silence, but comfortable silence. No rush to get off phone.
This has me all very confused. I am finally starting to get a life by dating and spending more time on me. I know this is helping. The issue I have is the OM. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. Lost ten pounds in a week and only had six hours of sleep total that whole week. Not good for me at all. Roller coaster!!
Am I on the right track by getting a life but still holding on to hope? I feel and see the hope yet I don't know how long I can with the OM in the picture.
Sorry for such a long post.
B

I also started dating two weeks ago. I noticed that W became a bit jealous. This was a great feeling, felt like I had some "power" now.

I go to take out the garbage and there is a condom wrapper in the garbage. Now I have known that she has been with OM on and off since July. This time hurt veru bad. Not sure why it hurt me this time but I lost it.

Sounds like the two of you can't be seeing other people too if you want to work on your relationship together.

Might be a good idea for you to let her know that it makes you feel just as hurt as she felt when she found out you started dating. And find out if she wants to date exclusively or just date other people, if you can't take her being with another man when you aren't around. This is where the POJA comes into play. You two either need to learn how to come to an agreement on something here or it will never work. If both of your "takers" aren't satisfied with the situation, it will all come to a boiling point again.

If she says she wants to keep seeing others and you don't want the two of you to date around, then you have to let her know that it hurts you too much for the two of you to keep on behaving the way you have and then, if she won't agree to be exclusive with you (if that's what you need), STOP FEEDING HER ON THE PHONE CALLS AND LET HER KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS "HURTING" YOU. As long as she can have her cake and eat it too, she will.

Do you want to be exclusive with her? Or do you want to keep dating around? You have to decide what you can live with just like she does, and what you can put out - just like she does. And then come to an agreement that works for you BOTH.

If she is needing the conversation with you then the other guy must not be giving her what she needs there. And once she has a chance to see what she is missing, then she might realize how much you were giving that she will have to do without. That's usually an eye opener and that way you don't get hurt (In other words - plan B if you can't take the om in the situation).

Good Luck
RMW

I just don't see how you can continue to 'date' her (and others) while OM is still in the picture. Seems like that would have to be the one and only stipulation for you to even have contact with her - NC and total transparency. If she's not willing to do that, I too think you need to consider Plan B. Your Plan A has been amazing; I wish my H would do a tenth of what you've been doing. Maybe it's time now to remove yourself and let her see what she's about to give up.

The past two weeks have been a wake up call for me.
With the OM in the picture and the W refusing to not be with him I have foung myself very down. Not sure where I need to go. My thought is that I need to walk away for now, stop doing things for her, callinging her/txting her, and spending time with her. I can't be in the house as the thought that the OM was there is just too strong.
As for me dating others. I do not like doing this. Even though the D will be final in a week or two it still feels like cheating to me. W and I have been working on getting back but now seems to of hit a major road block. I feel that I DO need to get out there and date if nothing else to help with my self confidence and get a life. I do not want to move on, I just want to move away for a while and let W stew, if she will, about how I am doing. Maybe she will see that I have changed, am willing to do the things in the past that I hadn't and that I do love her, however not willing to let her walk all over me.
Hope I am on the right track for myself, would love to work on "us" but its time I put myself first and hopefully "us" will come around.

Please don't date yet. It's a mistake, and you know it. Find some other things to do to help your self-esteem. Are you volunteering anywhere? It's a great time of year to be helping people. It will also make you more attractive in your wife's eyes.

Past few weeks have been going well.
I am finding it easier to detach and do my own thing. Have not been out to the house to do anything for now X. We are however still dating each other twice a week, seems to be going well. Some of the changes I have made have caught her eye.
I was listening to Christmas music one day when I picked her up. She was very confused as I normally hate this time of year. She asked what that was about. Told her its my way of staying positive this time of year and who knows may enjoy it as well. She also noticed that every time I am around her I have new clothes on, button up shirt and nicer slacks. Usually a t-shirt and jeans guy. She has also noticed that I am going out more. Most nights that I go out I am with a group of friends. Have gone out with a teacher friend but its just that a friend. When I do go out I notice that X is more interested in me. TXT'n and calling to say good night. This is something she hasn't done in the past, initiate any how. Each time we have talked or been together she has been very cheerful. All very positive signs to me. She even wanted to get together Christmas to exchange gifts. This is even more odd to me as her mother is in town.
Anyway hope I am on the right path. A couple prayers a day and lots of positive thinking are getting me through.
B

Sounds like you're getting it together. Human nature says if you are upbeat and not needy, you'll be more attractive to her; seems to be working!