Hello all - I have read several of the post on this board and realize that I need to tell my story and get advice and direction. About 10 weeks I found the smoking gun that I knew was there. My life has been a crazy roller coaster every since.

Back in Feb I overheard a very weird conversation that my wife was on. She had been on a work call but then went to our bathroom for a shower. She closed the door and continued her call. I heard her having an "intimate" conversation with this person. The conversation was about her past and she was being very open. I asked her about the call later that night and she told me she as talking with Sue. I know Sue and could not figure out why she was talking about the things she was talking about. Sue should already know those things. No response. I left it alone.

I kept having this feeling that something was not right about that call but I dit not question her. Instead, I decided to focus on the obvious problems in our marrige. I know that I had been distant and that we were not happy. As the leader of our marriage I also accepted the responsibility for our past problems and for our future. I started reading a book that we put down a year or so agon entitled Love and Respect. I had many eye opening moments as I read that book and I realized that we needed some attention. As I started showing her love she did start showing me respect and it felt like things were starting to get on track. But then .....

She got a very weird request to travel on business. The request came on a Saturday morning and she would be traveling the next week. It was weird but ..... sometimes her job is. After she came home I found a receipt for a steak house. My wife does not eat steak often and would never go to a steak house alone. I asked her and got an answer that I did not believe. Then I saw a weird charge to one of our credit cards and she BLEW up when I questioned it.

Every sign was pointing to an EA. Well, there was one. I woke up early one morning and she had left her work laptop logged in and I was able to look through her email account. I found the smoking gun. I read way too many emails as I learned things that I wish I never knew. I woke her up and confronted her. It was a hard conversation. She told me that it was "over" and that they had already discussed ending it. She told me that she was going to tell me as she could not live the rest of our lives with out me knowing.

I was already set to travel that weekend with the rest of our family and she made arrangements to join us.

Here is a little more context that is needed in order to offer advice. They work together and met on a current project. The entire life span of the EA seems to be about 4 months. She feel in love and he says he did to "but not enough to do what he did". He is married as well.

I am committed to my wife and I will not divorce her but I am not sure that I can continue to try and build our marriage. I realized that I love my wife more then I ever allowed myself to prior to knowing about the affair. If there is beauty in the affair it has acted as the catalyst to rolling the stone that was blocking my heart. But my heart aches with the knowledge of the affair, the intimate details that I have learned, and with the tought of her giving herself to another.

While I know that NO ONE will agree to this I have decided that there is no reason for her to quit her job as a result. They will both see each other from time to time but I feel comfortable that neither will act on the past.

I called him the other day. I have had the need to let him know that I was not going to allow it to continue. The EA has not continued but I have doubts that it could and that is way I wanted to call him. We had a good conversation. Well, as good as they can be. I told him why I was calling and he said he understood. He offerd up the fact that he has told his wife and that he has a counselor working with them. He told me he was sorry and he was sincere. He explained how the EA has effected him and he sort of asked me to forgive him. I told him that I already had.

Ok - I feel as if I have gone on and need to get to the areas that I need help in.

I want to FORGET about the EA and work on getting our marriage to where it should be. Yet, everytime that I think of the affair, and all of the things that I know I get sick, I feel helpless, I want to just give up, I hurt, I ache. But then my love overwhelms me. I love her despite this yet the thoughts are killing me.

When does the "hurt" subside? When will I not think about the messages that I heard him leave, the details of locations, the little "things" that were endearing to the EA. (these were sent to him in an email).

OK - I think that I have tried to explain the history as best I can and am open to questions comments and advice.

First of all, it's quite likely more than just an EA if they travelled away together. Secondly, I was right in the position you are in now, justifying to myself that my WW could continue to work with the OM. DO NOT DO IT. The pain of an A is a bit like applying a hot soldering iron to your skin. Convincing yourself that it's ok for them to stay together is a bit like leaving the iron there.

BTW, my WW said it was "over" too - until I caught her secretly exchanging IMs with the OM.

The hurt will never, ever, ever , ever, ever subside..

AS LONG AS THEY CONTINUE TO WORK TOGETHER.

"While I know that NO ONE will agree to this I have decided that there is no reason for her to quit her job as a result. They will both see each other from time to time but I feel comfortable that neither will act on the past."

You're right - no one will agree with you. I've been here 5 years and have yet to see a marriage recover when the affairees still work together.

Also I would check with his wife to see if he really has told her. I doubt it.

Yes, I totally agree with this part too!

Let me correct something as I thought that EM was extra material affair. My wife had an affair. Emotional and physical.

Overall I am in a state of fear. We have children and each of them would be devastated should I not find a way to hold on and work through this.

About calling his wife to verify his story, I would leave her the second I found out that he lied to me about telling his wife so I am afraid to follow up on that. That lie would indicate that they were still having their affair. Not to mention my wife would flip out at the thought of me calling his wife.

I know that if I demanded my wife leave her job she would not do it so what choice do I have in that matter. If I demand it that she leave we are headed for divorce anyway. Because of the kids and the harm that this would do to them I feel as if I am trapped.

I honestly do not think that my marriage will ever be what I want and need it to be but I cannot leave.

EA = Emotional Affair
PA = Physical Affair



CIST, please don't let your fear govern your actions. It's a mistake that many of us BS's have made, including myself, and suffered because of it. At the moment, your WW is not the woman you knew, but someone else in your wife's body, and your M effectively ended when she chose to have an A with someone else. Now, you could rebuild a NEW M with her, but it's a long tough road to creating one that's you both *want* to be a part of, rather than one you feel that you *have* to be a part of because of other commitments (e.g. children).



How old are your children?



I think you are letting your fear govern your actions again. I'll be you also told yourself before that you'd leave if your W had an A, right? Yet, here you are.

The right thing to do is to call the OMW and confirm the story. Don't let your fear stop you from doing the right thing.



Let me help you with that - your W WILL flip out. But that's not your fault - YOU didn't choose for her to have an A. That was entirely her choice. And here's the thing, CIST - women don't respect men that are ruled by their fears. You're not going to earning your W's respect by not contacting the OMW out of fear that she'll get upset. You WILL earn her respect by standing up for your M.



That's your fear speaking again.

Again, your M effectively ended the moment she chose to have an A. What your fear is leading you to do is to make choices that effectively allow your M to coast on for awhile. What you should be doing is make those choices that either (1) end the M decisively and properly, or (2) rebuild a newer, better M between the two of you.

Accepting a situation where your WW continues to work with the OM meets neither (1) or (2) above. While you may not demand that your WW leave her job, you can make it very clear that it's an unacceptable situation that she has to resolve by a specific agreed time.

And finally, if you do want to save your M, don't ever *threaten* exposure, to try to bully your WW into doing what you want. Exposure is a tool that should be used to break up As, not bully your spouse. And if you have to do it, just do it without warning, indicating to the parties that you're exposing to that you want to save your M and you'd like their help.

CanISurviveThis,

You're not going to like this, but its for your own good.

Just when did your WW take your testicles from you???

Seriously,

You just found out that your WW is HAVING an A, and you:

have ALREADY forgiven the OM ...

refuse to verify NC, because of what you MIGHT find ...

refuse to expose to OMW, because it might make your WW mad ...

refuse to ask her to leave her job, because is might make your WW mad ...

just want to "make it all go away and start over" ...


No one can make you stand up for yourself, your M or your children, but if you're not interested in helping yourself ...

EXACTLY WHY ARE YOU HERE???

I simply don't understand the mentality of being OK with your WW having an A, and continuing to have an A with OM.

Call the wife to verify, and tell your wife you would like her to start looking for a new job. You should also ask her to agree to no contact including writing a No Contact (NC) letter to the OM.

Why do you feel comfortable that neither will act on the past? They have already proven they can't be trusted together, and that they are capable of lying to protect their relationship. If they were worthy of your trust, the affair would have never happened. It is not unreasonable for you to request that all contact be ended (including working together).

I appreciate that you are committed and willing to improve the marriage. The thing is... not all of the fixing is yours to do. Your wife has to be a part of this process as well.

I agree with the others that say you should call OMW but let me add one thing. DO NOT let your wife or OM know ahead of time you are doing it, just do it. This is very important if you want to save your marriage.