I have posted previously with my story and recently found out some more info and would GREATLY appreciate thoughts on it ... Please read previous posts for background story (summary - been with her for 3 years, married just recently 7 months ago, no children, she is everything to me and I love her dearly):

I have recently received some more information. She doesn't know if she 'lives-to-work' or 'works-to-live'. She is placing a high priority on her career and feel so much disappointment that it sounds like she is putting our marriage second.

In other words, if she was single she could feel free to move anywhere she wanted with no questions. Whereas this isn't so in marriage, she feels constricted. A single person can go out with friends and drink and sleep over friend's homes as much as they want, this is only true to a more limited level when married, so she feels constricted.

She also stated that she doesn't know when she is going to want kids and have that stability of family. Her life as a single person was one of a nomad. I specifically had this conversation of my desire for stability prior to marriage, and we both said we like it here (our current home). Of course her work situation and related stress has apparently changed her whole outlook.

I feel terrified, disapointed, and angered by these revelations. But mostly confused, because she is 29 and loves children and loves family. She said she thinks she may be ready to have kid(s) in 3 years or so, which I actually completely agree with (as I'd like to have some time to enjoy a childless marriage and the freedom it allows). What is the problem ? She cares for me, loves me, smiles and laughs with me, and we still have a good time with eachother, as always. I guess I just don't know whether or not to deal with these panic of mine (which I seriously cannot imagine without some drugs) and play it out, or have more stress-ridden conversations with her (no matter how calm, these conversations are obviously still stressful).

To make things more complicated, we even booked our flights for our vacation just yesterday to Wine Country, Napa Valley California.

It sounds like you just need to be having more communication. You should be talking about everything together - your fears, your happiness, your goals, selecting joint goals you can accomplish as a couple, ensuring you're on the same page about careers, etc. (such as will either of you move if the other gets a better job). Be honest with ech other.

Good advice, and I couldn't agree more.

However, when I have tried to have such conversations she states she is confused, and I believe her (not sure if I am being a fool or not, but the fact is I do believe her).

She is relatively immature in long-term relationships, so this is new to her. She is also a self-proclaimed selfish person and likes to do things that please her. This is not to say she doesn't like to help others, or me, which she does quite well and often. I know that sounds contradictory, but am I getting the point across ? She is mentally selfish, but doesn't always act in that manner.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, any additional thoughts would be great.

Hi

I am fairly new to this forum, so my answers are spoken from personal experiences more than anything else.

The first year of marriage was very difficult for myself and my husband. I moved across the Atlantic to be with him and found the adjustment period we both went through was far greater than we expected it to be.

Prior to our marriage, because of the distance, we spent intense periods of time together for a few weeks at a time. So to suddenly be living together all of the time took a lot of work. It was a real culture shock for both of us. We both perceived the adjustment from "him" and "her" to "us" caused us to lose some of our individual identities. It took us a while to figure out that was not the case and we are still individuals.

We also had power struggles for a while as we are both strong personalities, with ambitious careers. Sure we compromise each other in many ways but we still fought for the upper hand. We spent a lot of time doing this and it got us nowhere. It was wasted energy. We realise now that succesful negotiation and honest and open communication is the key to eliminate the need for power struggles and that we are both equal in the marriage.

Have you taken the EN questionnaire? If not I strongly recommend it. It will provide you both with some unexpected answers and gives you an opportunity to discuss what is important to you both in a format that is non-confrontational and open.

In the interim spend some time reassuring her as much as you can that you are both the same people that you were before you got married. I suspect from reading your threads that your wife is going through some kind of identity crisis as a married person and coupling that with her work stresses she is overwhelmed. Living with someone for the first time can be very stressful and a confusing time. Negotiaton in marriage takes a lot of practice and all too often, especially early on in a marriage, we say things in a way that hurts our spouses, not intentionally but we do it none the less. Re-assure her that you love her for who she is and make it clear that you support her career and her life choices.

You say you are going on vacation. This gives you the perfect opportunity to "rediscover" each other and spend some time away from the usual daily stresses life throws at you. Use the opportunity to remind her (without saying it) why she married you, make her fall in love with you all over again!

Don't fret too much about the time frame of having children. Settle into your marriage first. Find your path and THEN when you are BOTH feeling comfortable and secure in your marriage consider having children.

They do say that the first year of marriage is one of the toughest because of the huge adjustments you are both undergoing. Hang in there, it's worth it!

Hope this helps some. Good luck!



p.s. Please can you keep all of this on one thread as three is too confusing to keep abreast of and dilutes your responses? Just add new info onto this thread so it's easier to find