I am angry that my H has moved out after I found email by accident of he and an employee. He started a month before telling me that we needed counseling. I had little signs but it all didn't add up. I am angry, hurt and have tried to save the marriage. I was not able to stop venting about the affair (which he denies). He also is experiencing midlife crisis and has not rec'd the promotion he has sought. This was important to him. We have 2 kids. The pressure was intense from me trying to get him to express feelings. We have been married 20yrs. I cannot understand. Until I found the mail and put all the pieces together I had been totally happy. I am miserable and my ego is shattered. We were attending counseling both on our own and together. The couples counseling has now stopped because he moved out and wants "space" to work on himself. I am angry and feel the OW is still part of th e problem. I want my marriage but know I cannot make him love me. He is with the kids and around us every other day. It is killing me. He says he is ready to go thru the "D" but does things to make me think he still wants to be home but when I offer solutions, he feels I am telling him what to do.<BR>He was caught and I think feels I'll never forgive him. I want him back but if this space continues I'm not sure. I am ready to give up... What can I do?

Hi, My H left us a little over 2 mos ago after meeting a woman on the internet. He has been home now for 2 weeks and things are good. During the 2 mos he was gone he also talked about divorce, said some pretty wild things and made some really stupid decisions.<BR>I found alot of information about mid-life crisis and I knew that sooner or later he would snap out of it and I just had to be paitent. He now says he felt like he was living in a dream world and is happy he woke up before it was to late. I know it's really hard, and your pride takes a real punch but if you want your marriage just be supportive and loving. Make home a really appealing place to be. Don't be a door mat but don't whine or nag him either. I hope things work out for you.<P>Jill

Thanks...the problem however is she works for him. I could handle it better if it was only the internet. He is making attempts to move <BR>but I still don't know the detail of the relationship. I feel threatened and can't do anything. No matter what I do, he perceives it as pressure. I have to deal with the stress as well from both the kids and work.<BR>I don't want to be the one who ends the marriage but he is not giving me the positive signs I need for hope.

From what I can gleen from your posts, ladyb. it appears to me that you ARE trying to control this situation. Part of my MLC was trying to redefine myself apart form all of what I perceived to be "controlling" influences. Unfortunately, those people who insist we live up to our responsibilities or otherwise make demands on us are also seen as controlling. <P>Ladyb - the more you try to "fix" this, the worse it will get. Look at it like your husband is one a journey in a wilderness even he doesn't understand. An attractive co-worker may just be a mirage in that desert. You can be a sandstorm for him, or you can be his oasis. It's up to you.<P>You may be more successful doing away with the pressure and simply be available for him to share his fears and hopes with. Don't push him to do this - just be there.<BR>And when he does, he doesn't want you to tell him how to fix it. He really needs to hear you say "I love you and will be here for you" no matter what crazy feeling he spits out.<P>You are the one who has to make home a safe place for him now.

Blindsided,<BR> I don't know if your M/F but I'm guessing male because of the word pitcure. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your post. I can relate with LB because I think that is what i have been doing for the past eight months-trying to control this situation. Like LB H, my H also is experiencing a MLC. Very selfish, self-absorbed and sees everything I suggest, point out or say as an attack. I don't mean it to be, but he accuses me of pointing out his inadeqencies and lack whenever I bring anything up about the relationship. After reading this thread, I do think I have been trying to pressure him and control him into being the man I married.<P>He has told me things like he feels like he is on one side of the mountain and everyone from his life is on the other side, like he has come to edge of the sea and there is no where else to go and he is waiting for God to part it. Like he is in the middle of the woods and doesn't know where the path is. Sounds like a desription of MLC to me. You say you went through it. How long did it last?<P>I think he's been in it for close to three years with the last year being the most intense. He does seem to be better than he was a few months ago. I'm hoping this is the beginning of his awakening. Anyway, Thanks again.<P>LB, I think you should try what BS suggest. I notice whenever I try to discuss the relationship or what is wrong with him or us, it seems to only widen the space between us. I'm going to back off for awhile an see what happens. Good Luck

My H seems to be in MLC. While it is true that he doesn't want me to be controlling, he seems to be ok with the OW being controlling. I have not put any pressure on him, and he has withdrawn farther - she is obviously putting pressure on him and he is going along with it. He has apparently been in crisis for a couple of years, with the last one being the worst, and if anything it is getting worse and worse.

Thanks for all the suggestions and I know I am perceived as being controlling. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can't handle that this is not logical. I did back off but the constant interaction only makes me long for our relationship. I don't know how to behave around him yet be supportive and have a happy face. He sees me doing more to take care of me. He does not see a way home. How can he if he is not trying?

Please don't misunderstand Ladyb. I'm not suggesting that you WITHDRAW. Only that you drop the pressure tactics. I know it's hard right now, but will he let you hold him, kiss him and tell him you love him? Start making deposits in that love bank!<BR>You may see this as "condoning his affair", but it's not really. He doesn't really WANT the affair - he wants you! He may need a little help seeing that.<BR>Your husband is a grown man who made a bad choice during a time he couldn't think clearly.<BR>It's not your job to make sure he is "punished" for his crime.<BR>Certainly you should never enable an on-going affair, but if he is repentant, be someone he can come back to.

Blindsided....at first I didn't know how to deal with not talking about the affair. It consumed me. I have only focused on him and showing him affection. He kisses and hugs me when he visits (almost every other day) but it is cordial. He finally said this weekend that he was not aware of the impact of what he has done but he still does not see how he can return. He seems afraid of me if you will no matter how open and friendly I am. We seem to always end up in "discussions" and I know that just adds another nail to my coffin. I have asked him to see me only as trying to save the marriage not as someone who is trying to control him. I need the conditions and boundaries he would like to have. Running away is not the answer. Is he too embarrassed to come back?

That may be part of the issue. Being around you and the family could remind him of how bad he has screwed up.<BR>With him living away from you, you have to avoid these "discussions" at all costs. The affection is good - keep it up. But right now, he feels like you're doing it just to get him back. And he's right! But he eventually needs to feel that this is how life will continue to be after he comes back.<BR>I would work on trying to get him back home.<BR>I sense that it is in your nature to want results for your efforts RIGHT NOW. This going to take TIME.<BR>I think it's good that you are working on you. If you haven't already, it would be good for you to seek out a good counselor and go by yourself. He/She could help you deal with these things that are "killing you" so you can be UP and ready for your husband.

I partially disagree with Blindsided in that I do not believe that your husband is capable of making a rational decision as long as he is under the influence of the extramarital relationship any more than a heroin addict can when craving drugs.<P>When my husband and I went through his non physical but all consuming emotional affair nothing I did for 4 months had an effect until I discovered the other woman's love letters. At that point, he chose to end the affair to prevent me from suing her for alienation of affections. <P>He is now very happy in our marriage and grateful that he was not allowed to destroy the lives of the two of them, our children, and myself. An awful lot of pain was inflicted by the two of them during the affair, however.<P>I truly believe that nothing you do will be positively received as long as he is involved. There is something in the extramarital relationship that seems to work like a drug. All that one has previously valued seems reduced (TEMPORARILY) to rubbish. <P>Consider letting your attorney and marriage counsellor be the bad guys, however, in pointing these things out to him. Your attorney can enlighten him on just how unpleasatn a divorce can be for him and for his purse. Your counsellor can work with him on what is reality and how good your marriage can be if both of you give to it with all your hearts.

Wesse, can the OW be sued for alienation of affection? I do know looking back now on some conversations and some of my requests, a slight distance or change in him. He was not focused on our relationship and I feel she was the cause and still could be. I love him and still want him back. Although I was irrate and continued to express my anger about his behavior, this should have been expected. I am calm now but feel he is either too embarrassed or scared to hear this possibly would come up in the future. His words so far have not given me any hope that he wants to reconcile. He has mentioned sitting down and telling the kids but also says he is not ready for the process of "D".<BR>What am I supposed to do? I am trying to be patient but I refuse to initiate.<BR>

BTW, we both have independent counselors. He was seeing one with me but stopped just after moving out. He knows I would like to continue.

BTW, we both have independent counselors. He was seeing one with me but stopped just after moving out. He knows I would like to continue.

The tort of alienation of affections does not exist in all states. Schedule one consultation with a good attorney who works primarily with divorce and has a good reputation for concern for the best interests of the client. Find out your options! Find out what an attorney might do to shake your husband out of his present selfish focus. He seems to me to be wallowing in a very destructive mode. I firmly believe that a good offense can be the best defense - worked miracles for me!