Well, my story is quite lengthy but I'll try to be as brief as possible.

I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 25. We've been married almost 9 years, no kids -- together a total of 12 years. It was love at first sight and we were in many ways compatible -- except for our communication and fighting styles.

Our marriage has had its ups and downs over the years -- knock out, drag out fights. I even hit him once or twice (not proud of this at all). He has told me over the years that I don't consider his feelings, criticized him, called him names, didn't accept him for who he was, ran down his family, had to have things my way, nagged, etc. I have a quick temper and frequenly fly off the handle and take my frustrations out on him.

Each time we would argue all this stuff would come out -- usually I blew it off as him being oversensitive and having to "buck up." After our arguments, things would go back to normal.

Frequently, he would threaten at the end of arguments that he was going to leave and "that was the only way he could get my attention." Well, after awhile, it became old and I would stop begging him to stay because he never left.

Well, things have gotten progressively worse since June 2007. he wanted to leave then but I convinced him to stay. I thought we were going to start a family but we decided to wait and see. Well, it seemed like I could never do anything right after that and things came to a head in December. he said that he feared me, I intimidated him and he hated to be in the same room with me. He said he was depressed and had anxiety and didn't even know who he was. he said I only wanted a baby to trap him (not true).

Wow, what a wake up call for me! I finally saw all the things that I did to hurt him that I selfishly didn't see before. I really didn't know he was that unhappy with our life. I begged him to stay and see a counselor for his depression. Well the first 3 months of 2008 were touch and go (he was withdrawn, no sex, very little affection, would not say he loved me). I was trying my darndest to change my ways and he even admitted that I changed but that he didn't believe it was real. Then, in April he left. He came home from work during the day, packed up his stuff (clothes, books, CDs, etc.), and told me later that he was out and I couldn't stop him. I felt like Alice going down the rabbit hole.

He stayed in a hotel for a week and is now renting a house about 40 minutes away from our house. He would talk to me if I called but didn't want to talk about the situation -- only things that are "light." Of course, I keep telling him not to give up but he is adamant that he can't be happy with me. That he was hurt that he had to leave. I've started going to church and can so clearly see the error of my ways (we never went to church). And I've read this site top to bottom and see how many withdrawals from the Love Bank I've made over the years. Meanwhile he was always trying to find ways to be more positive and to stop me from being mean.

We've talked about divorce -- I brought it up. He said that "if I need an answer now, then yes, that is what he would want" He wants me to handle it all -- I saw a lawyer -- and doesn't want to get a lawyer if he doesn't have to. We even worked out a tentative settlement agreement -- but these things were all at my urging because I felt it was over. Many friends say that I am pushing him to do something he didn't want to do -- file.

Right now we aren't talking -- I sent him a nasty email to which he did not respond. he said he doesn't want to rehash the past because it hurts both of us and he said that he is tired of justifying his actions to me. I could go on and on -- how do I get my husband back when we don't even communicate?

Help -- I love him so much -- I didn't think I was hurting him that badly.

he is most likely having an affair.

I disagree with Medoc on this one. I wouldn't jump to affair since your H has been telling you he wasn't happy for a long time.

What can you do? First, you should send him another email apologizing. You may want to run it by some people here FIRST to make sure there aren't any lovebusters. If you think he'll delete the email without reading it, you should send a copy to a mutual friend and ask him to deliver it to your H.

Second, you need to identify and elminate all the LBs you commit. If your H is willing to fill in the LoveBusters Questionnaire, this is the best way to get the information. Otherwise, you need to guess.

Third, marraige counseling. If your H won't go with you, go alone.

Fourth, accept that you can't control your sposue. You can only control yourself.

So... What we DO know is that she has a history of being emotionally and physically abusive, but the logical reason for his leaving is an A???

I swear to God, I think some people here have a little pull string in their backs... Pull it and they holler, "AFFAIR! AFFAIR!".

C'mon...

I agree with Green. He's going to do what he's going to do. You need to get the notion that you can "make him _______" out of your head. You can't make him trust you, love you, like you, or even want to share the same relative geographic location with you.

All you can do is start working on yourself to become the best person that you can be. Perhaps, over time, he will come to recognize and even appreciate your new and improved self and be willing to try things again. Perhaps not.

But even if he doesn't, you've still worked to become a better person and that's no waste of time.

CLASSIC AFFAIR SIGNS.

well, one of the reasons(in addition to the above) I think he is likely having an affair is the way you has treated him over the years has most likely left him feeling entitled to have one. And after the way you have treated him...it wouldn't take a lot of effort on his part to find someone that would treat him better.


You obviously have a problem with being disrespectful and abusive towards your husband. Frankly, he is most likely making a healthy decision to stay away from you. YOU are also pushing the divorce issue and now you are upset that he is biting on the hook you threw out there.

So, what are you doing to address your obviously abusive nature?

and I can't ever remember being wrong about this. Not one single time. Some signs are classic.

We DO know that he is displaying some classic affair signs. That doesn't dismiss the abuse...it just suggests there is an affair.

I may not be right...but I would bet there is someone else in the picture.

I would say that they're classic signs of withdrawal. Now, withdrawal will sometimes manifest itself as either a cause or an effect of an affair, but the two aren't always mutually inclusive.

Is an A possible? Yes, of course, always possible. But there isn't nearly enough information for that to be sure.

That said, I'd encourage her snooping around to check as an A can sometimes give a withdrawn spouse the "strength" to leave the marriage, thinking that they have someone else to fall back on.



All of this I agree with.

I don't disagree that I was emotinally and verbally abusive -- I just didn't realize what I was doing until he freaked out in December. Then I started back to church and started to read the Bible and started to look out on the web for resources -- then it all became so crystal clear.

As far as what am I doing, I am continuing my journey to get closer to God and ask for forgiveness and find some way to forgive myself for all that I have done to hurt the most important person in my life. I am in counseling (have been on and off for a few years) and she started me on an antidepressant which has helped. She was going to put me on one a year and a half ago but since I thought we were planning to have kids, the doc didn't want to prescribe the meds.

He did start seeing a counselor in January 2008 and quit the week after he left. He said that "they just weren't gelling" This may have been the boost/confidence that he needed to finally leave. She told him that he needed to stop being bullied around but he said she didn't encourage or discourage him to leave.

I asked him if he was having an affair and he said no -- multiple times. But who knows it could be someone at work or on the net -- there were some signs about someone at work. We always used to get together for lunch but then I had to make an appointment weeks in advance. He wanted to get to work early. He never introduced me to his coworkers -- I only know them by first name. We were very close -- spent most of our time together - were compatible in so many ways: sexually, sense of humor, intellect, political views, etc. He didn't do a lot of things with the "guys" although I was never the type of wife who gave me a hard time about it -- I think it is healthy for guys to do that. We don't have any mutual friends besides family.

But he said that living with me became unacceptable and it hurt him to leave and it hurt him to hurt me. But yet, sometimes when we are on the phone we both end up crying and then he has to hang up.

In the nasty email, I accused him of cheating, that he is stringing me along by not deciding if he wants a divorce or not, by lying that his family came to visit from out of state.

The only reason I started pushing for divorce is that I thought I was doing him a favor -- getting myself out of his life forever. It seems like he'll go along with anything -- if I file, he'll consent; if I don't, then things will just stay as they are.

If we do divorce, there is no reason for us to keep in touch since we don't have any kids. It is so sad. . . .and I am to blame.

Thanks for the feedback -- you couldn't possibly say anything that would make me feel worse about myself than I already do.

My STBXH ALWAYS told me he loved me, never withdrew from sex, and was always cuddling with me right up until the DAY he left me. I found out about the month long affair one week after he left.

Food for thought...

Helping him, huh? You know what? He's a grown man. If you make the choice to divorce, then it's YOUR choice. Got it? Don't file and tell yourself that you're doing it for him or to "help" him. This particular brand of "help" is nothing more than you trying to control the situation and force him into some action. It seems as if you are the one who can't stand the stasis, and you're trying to kickstart something. If that's the case, then fine. Just own up to it. Don't engage in this destructive behavior and then wrap it up as though it's a favor to him. That's deflection and it allows you to put the blame on him.

Really, my intent was to get myself out of his life. He didn't take much money with him (left the savings account untouched) and is living paycheck to paycheck. He has been spending money like crazy -- so I figured he is probably happy as a clam without me and has his freedom and sees no reason to spend his money to make it legal.

He's already said that he doesn't see much reason for hope. I could wait a hundred years and he will never file for divorce -- he has no reason to --he is living exactly the way he wants.

Everyone says that it is about me regaining control -- but I don't see it that way. Don't get me wrong -- I would love to reconcile -- but as everyone here says -- it may be best/healthiest for him to stay away from me.

For him the bad outweighed the good in our relationship. Does anyone honestly think he will come back?

Ok, I was an abused husband that my wife tried to have me killed upon exposure of her affair.

Mine was EXACTLY like you to a tee with the mental, verbal and physical abuse and I tolerated it for 10 years.

IF she would have changed and PROVED it to me, I would have returned inder certain conditions.

It's been since 1-07 that she abandoned me on the side of the road and 1-08 that the divorce was final. Somewhere inbetween that the mast of reconcilliation disappeared under the horizon.

Ditto for my WstbxH. I also found out about the A 5 days after he asked for a D. However, when asked for divorce, he used all the classic WS-fogbabble lines - ILYBNILWY etc. - I just didn't know what that was at the time.

Imagine the confusion in my world then? I was devastated, because there had been NOTHING wrong. Maybe my STBX and your STBX were getting pointers from each other Tabby.

Sorry for the hijack.

Gosh -- I would never dream of having my husband killed or abandoning him on the side of the road. In fact, when he would run out of the house in a rage and be gone for hours at a time, I would drive around trying to find him to make sure he wasn't hurt.

I can say with confidence that there was not a pattern of physical abuse. During our first year of marriage, I hit him in the chest and I think one other time I smacked him. Not that I am excusing my actions -- no one should be hit -- not even once. I should know -- my dad banged on my mom for the last 20+ years. After I saw the look on my husband's face after the slap, I was horrified and didn't do it again.

Please, I don't want anyone out there to think that I am justifying my actions -- there is nothing that warrants that kind of behavior.

Go back and reread the above. Several times. What I see is you trying to determine what he needs, what he should do, what he will do, what he won't do, blah, blah, blah...

If you want to file for divorce for your own sake, then do that. Quit defining YOUR actions as though they're in HIS best interest.

That's simply not honest.

I hear you loud and clear! I think that was why my Plan A sucked as bad as it did - I was still reeling over what happened and he moved out so fast. In any event, I'm better off now than I was. I just don't like the way I had to go from there to here.

So what do I do --

[list]
[*]pretend that I don't have a husband out in the world?
[*]try (again) to initiate reconcilation or leave him alone?
[*]contact him to come and get the rest of his stuff that I packed up?
[*]send him the link to this site and see if it sparks any desire to reconcile?

I don't stalk him at his new place, wait outside his work, destroy his stuff, call him every day, or send him emails constantly.

I would love to know what HE wants and what HE needs but he will not engage in an adult conversation about our situation. All he says is that he is tired of defending his actions and that he had a right to leave. And that I am trying to deny him that right.

So, I sit here day after day grasping at straws wondering what he will do, what he wants, what he needs, etc. His whole family is passive aggressive -- if we ignore it, it will go away -- that's their motto.

I admire your willingness to own up to what happened.

He is going to need time for the thrill of his new found freedom to wear off.

He is going to need to see a different you, one that he will value and respect.

From there I can offer no further advice because my wife chose the nuclear option.

I truly hope you two can reconcile.

I think that this is what you need to STOP doing RIGHT NOW. Once again, you continue to fixate on HIS actions and HIS motivations. And then you scheme in order to influence those actions and motivations.

STOP FOCUSING ON HIM!!!! I think you're having a hard time getting this to sink in.

Focus on yourself. Do what you think is right FOR YOU. Stop worrying about the damn divorce and start working on managing your anger, and ending your abusive behavior. You mentioned seeing your dad thump on your mom for years. I hope that you recognize the possibility that you've adopted his behavior as a way to get what you want and to remain in control.

Abusers typically come from abusive backgrounds. They learn the behavior as a way of remaining in control. Abuse or be abused is the lesson and it self propagates from one generation to the next. You have the power to recognize this now and stop the cycle.

If you spend time working on you, and becoming the kind of person you should be, things will work out. Maybe not with you and your H, but they'll work out for you in general as you go on with your life.

Stop looking at this as though he's the problem and causing the issues. Stop trying to launch initiatives in order to get him to do or not do things. You're the only person you can control. Work on that!