Would it help you at all to write a NC with rain and NOT send it? Would it be cathartic for you in any way?

I get the feeling that the door isn't closed to OM as firmly as rain wants you to believe.

As medc stated on rains thread, the NC means squat if rain doesn't commit to what it says. To force her to write it and send it will really mean nothing, IMO.

However, the two of you sitting together to write it may help rain realize just how important true NC is.

I don't know...maybe in time she will get there on her own.

Fox

Don't waffle, please


That was a very astute observation by aphelion. In my own case, I worked to insure that my wife did an infatuation transfer to ME by courting her. It worked, sorta.

Your wife believes that the OM will wait. She is self centered to value herself at that level. 99.9% of the time, OM will wait about a week. She is putting off sending the NC letter to keep her options open in case YOU don't work out.

YOU might not work out because of what she has done and she knows it. She is playing it close to the vest, so to speak. I posted a ton of information on her mental state and she failed to respond at any level that would lead me to believe that she gave it more than cursory glance.

Boundaries. Set 'em and keep 'em. An NC letter is shutting the door and that needs doing.

Larry

I don't think Dude ought to "force" rain to write the letter.

I think he ought to make it a boundary.

If she won't write the letter, he ought to plan B her.

The NC letter was VERY important to me. I knew once I sent it, I was closing that door for good.

There's a reason she doesn't want to write it. She knows what that letter will mean.

Like anyone is fooled by her waffling around on the subject, right?

Larry

I agree.
The letter means she has to make a choice, one she doesn't want to have to firmly make. She knows he burns the bridge to the OM to the ground with a proper NC letter. He no longer becomes an 'option' for her.

Does anyone have a template for a no contact letter? I've read some on here dozens of times and the forum search isn't working. I'm going to start one and take it from there.

I, for one, am not fooled.

I think OM is her safety net. I don't believe there was any complete closure on the relationship with OM.

IMO, he is having no contact to pressure her into choosing him.

She is "trying" with Dude because she doesn't like the consequences if she chooses otherwise.

That doesn't mean it WON'T end up working with Dude, but I don't think it has really been her intention to throw her heart and soul in the M and leave OM in the past.

If not writing the NC letter is only about saving face because it would be "silly", there should be no question that it be done.

OM may roll his eyes and say "duh, we've already been over this." Who cares what he thinks?

It's your call, Dude. How else can you find peace in knowing that she has clearly stated to OM that he is not an option to her?

Fox

Yep, it's all about her and not about care and consideration for Dude.

She may honestly think she is trying.

But when there is a safety net, it's not the same level of try.


Fox

I am ready to move forward with a NC letter as soon as she is prepared to. I think it would be beneficial. We could send it on the email account that I don't have access to that they have used in the past and then we could close that acct. and be done with it.

A few weeks ago (this is how it was relayed to me) he called her and said someone had threatened him by voicemail and in return threatened me by bothering him. Of course this wasn't me or anyone I know, as I had told no one. I have no idea who it could have been that called him, or if it really happened. She said that he left her this voicemail and that she did not return his call. She told me about the incident right after she found out about the voicemail he left. I did not listen to the voicemail. I shrugged it off as an effort by him to poke her flames, so to speak.

I have thought about this a lot, and I think the NC letter would finalize any doubt he has about her and I and our intent. It would put him in his place and let him know we have no interest in his phone, life, etc. and we sure wouldn't be contacting him. It would also let him know he is not welcome around our working establishments nor our house/neighborhood. He takes responsibility upon himself if he runs into me out and about somewhere. Making idle threats towards me through her is a cowards act.

I talked to him on the phone back in May, and he wouldn't tell me anything that was going on and he told me he would not contact "US" again. He proceeded to contact her the next day and ask if she was trying to push him away because I "found out". So right there he is un-honorable in my eyes. He lied to me right there. It also showed me he was partially fine with having a secret relationship with her, and her struggle to end it was forcing his hand, so to speak. That's why he laid all his "love yous" out on the table and then tried to cut her off at that point by threatening no contact. He knew that he could throw her some rope, then threaten to leave her dangling off the cliff, she would probably comply with him. It's practically a sick and twisted OM plan A and B rolled into one.

I'm sticking to my guns on the NC letter as stated and we can use her secret email to send it. He can delete it if he wants to, no harm done. If he tries to contact her, it would be on a work phone, because he is too slimy to contact her in a legitimate way.

We'll see how she reacts to this. If she acts all depressed and withdrawn again, I'll know the past few days have been a ruse.

It should be short and sweet.

something like this...

OM,

We were wrong. I will never leave or D my H. Please do not ever contact me again.

Rain & Dude

But, YOU shouldn't write it. Rain should. And you should approve it and send it together.

From: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

“How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over?

If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do.

A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise.

Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed.

After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.“


Some good examples exist, I'll have to search for them later.

with prayers,

[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

> “I'm sticking to my guns on the NC letter as stated and we can use her secret email to send it. He can delete it if he wants to, no harm done. If he tries to contact her, it would be on a work phone, because he is too slimy to contact her in a legitimate way. “

Don’t recommend this. Close that email account for sure. But use registered snail mail to send the NC letter to him. Make sure he gets it, holds it in his greasy sweaty hands, feels it, reads it several times, sets it down, picks it up again, smells it and swears.

FWW sent an NC email right after D-Day 2 of the VLTA. Then she edited it and sent it again.

That first NC email had things in it like, I will love you forever; the stars were just against us; my lost sweetheart… . Certainly didn’t do anything for me. Well, it did push me a bit. That’s when I said he could have her and went to Plan B.

Wasn’t until months later she sent a true NC letter – hard copies to OM’s BW and OM both. Copies to both was a compromise - I wanted it published in the Times.

With prayers,

Dude:



If she does it, very good. If she goes into a funk because she does it, very good. You can expect her to be on the same roller coaster of moods as you. It took my wife about six months to let go of the last tiny bit of remaining affection for the OM. She got rid of most in the first week.

Larry

Hey Dude,

Sorry about not replying sooner. I don’t get to read here everyday. Gotta earn my salary you know?


We sent my W’s NC letter by e-mail. He called he and asked her if it was really from her and all she did was say yes it was.

How ever, having him receive it by certified mail really means that he go it. Of course you really don’t know what he does with it then either. He could just throw it away without reading it (which I doubt will happen). Curiosity will get the best of him even if he didn’t expect to contact her again.

The template provided by Mel comes straight from Dr. Harley. Thanks Mel.

And yes, eliminate the “secret e-mail address”. Actually you should have access to all of her accounts, cell phones, etc. There should be no secrets, ZERO.


it may not be a ruse. One thing to keep in mind is that rain is probably still in withdrawal. So she may not be overly enthusiastic about everything right now. What does your plan say to do if she moves slower than expected? Which BTW will seem to happen to you, because you will want it to go faster than it actually does.

Take care and God Bless.

S&C

__________________________
sandc_mb@hotmail.com

How's it going, Dude?

Hey Dude,

Keeping an eye on your thread. Thought I'd check to see how you're doing.

Blessings.

S&C

Thanks, I am here and checking in. She just up and proposed a NC letter to me, I approved it, and now that is done. This was on Monday. She seems to be really intent on trying. She has been more attentive with affection, but not really on SF or admiration.

Meanwhile, I have been trying also. I almost feel that I am in a "passive-aggresive" frame of mind. Very frustrating at times. I am angry at her, at the same time I am trying to meet her needs, and the 2 really don't mix well. I am learning more about me than her, I think. How long will it take for me to shed this anger? I think it is really difficult to be in a position of needing plan B, then jump right into both of us plan A'ing each other. It takes a toll on my emotions. I also have to keep this distance with her, because there isn't much trust there still. She seems to be doing the right things now, but I don't know when the wind will turn the other way.

I need long term commitment and I think that is my biggest concern right now. I'm hoping the SF and admiration will return also. I know giving her admiration on my end is not what it should be right now. How do you get out of the punishing, angry mode so that real healing can occur? I feel so wishy-washy inside sometimes. I know what I want to do, but I let my anger or petty emotions get in the way of what I need to do.

We have argued a lot lately, and it is strange to me. We used to never argue. I don't know if this is me standing my ground, or if it is me being too emotional over nothing. Some of the things are legitimate, but I tend to defend my position instead of working towards a solution. I think this is where I am feeling "passive aggressive". After I get the emotion out, I start to think clearly and I am more able to process them.

I also think we should do some type of counseling. Just want to make sure she is ready before we spend the $$. I don't know how to find a good local MC, since that is not something you talk about amongst your friends or colleagues. Frankly, there are a few around here, but none of them tout anything from this website. Is there something I should look for when searching, or just call and straight up ask them if they teach MB principles?

I know this might sound like a negative post, but I am really feeling much better about our overall well being than I was even a week ago. Each week that goes by we make a small step forward, it seems. Now that NC letter has been sent and she is acting transparent, I really don't have any major issues with her current behaviors. I just need her to continue on and lets keep each other motivated toward progress.

I found my psychiatrist (and my vet) by Googling that word and "reviews" and my town. Sure enough, there were a couple of blog sites where people post their opinions on doctors and other services. I picked the ones who had the best reviews from people's personal experiences.