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Addicts
#2105916 08/07/08 01:25 PM
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WaterOak Offline OP
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For those of you who are married to them... do you ever feel like their having an affair? Though instead of it being with another person it's a substance? Sometimes when I read posts about infidelity that comes to mind.

Just curious...

Married to addict
Separated 7/08
DD1
Re: Addicts
WaterOak #2105949 08/07/08 02:08 PM
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Locked between the Past & the ...
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Greengables Offline
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Locked between the Past & the ...
I think people do. This book I read, and loved, called Emotional Unavailability by Dr. Bryn Collins, says that the primary relationship is between an addict and the substance. Addicts cannot be emotionally available while their addiction is active. All other relationships are secondary to the addiction.

Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Re: Addicts
Greengables #2105966 08/07/08 02:31 PM
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onlyUcan Offline
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onlyUcan
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And what's even worse is an addict having an affair. Arrgghh!

BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
Re: Addicts
WaterOak #2105970 08/07/08 02:42 PM
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MelodyLane Offline
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Originally Posted by WaterOak
For those of you who are married to them... do you ever feel like their having an affair? Though instead of it being with another person it's a substance? Sometimes when I read posts about infidelity that comes to mind.

Just curious...

This is true. Addicts' first love is their substance. They are not emotionally available for a romantic relationship and don't feel love like a normal person with a fully functioning mind. [parts of our brains are anesthesized]

When I was a practicing alcoholic, the concept of romantic love was puzzling to me because I could not relate to it. I always wondered what that would be like because I just couldn't even comprehend it. It was a big mystery to me. Alcohol was my first love, second love, .......tenth love. My spouse was just a body in the house who couldn't ever compete with that.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101
Re: Addicts
WaterOak #2105973 08/07/08 02:43 PM
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dkd Offline
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I know of a couple where the husband is an alcoholic. Instead of complaining about it all the time, the wife decided it was better just to drink along with him.

Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
Re: Addicts
Greengables #2105997 08/07/08 03:09 PM
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inrecoverynow Offline
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I had dreams that my SO was cheating on me 2-3 times nearly every week my SO and I were together (dating-marriage). The dreams blissfully stopped when I discovered his addiction.
Re: Addicts
Greengables #2106049 08/07/08 04:42 PM
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WaterOak Offline OP
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What's so annoying for me is that he swears up and down that DD and I are his #1 purpose in life... how much he loves us... how lost he'd be without us. Then he constantly puts us 2nd... or 10th. I think I would feel better if he admitted that we're not #1... not even admit the problem, just admit that he doesn't put us first. I think I'd feel better at that point. Probably not though.

But if it's not an addiction then WTF is it!!!

Sorry for the rant, I'm doing mindless work today, I keep thinking about things. You guys get to be annoyed with my ramblings.

Married to addict
Separated 7/08
DD1
Re: Addicts
WaterOak #2106063 08/07/08 04:55 PM
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MelodyLane Offline
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Originally Posted by WaterOak
What's so annoying for me is that he swears up and down that DD and I are his #1 purpose in life... how much he loves us... how lost he'd be without us.

Well, he has to say stuff like this. If he tells you that you aren't even on the RADAR, you will get mad and stop enabling him.

Quote
Then he constantly puts us 2nd... or 10th. I think I would feel better if he admitted that we're not #1...

It is not in his best interest to admit this. He might lose his enabler. An addict is not stupid! They must do what it takes to protect their addiction and keep the enablers in place.

Quote
not even admit the problem, just admit that he doesn't put us first. I think I'd feel better at that point. Probably not though.

But you don't need his admission to know the truth. You can SEE the truth. You know the truth, so what difference does it make if he admits it? He really wants and needs you to believe him so he can keep you in place. He will say what it takes to keep you there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101
Re: Addicts
WaterOak #2106066 08/07/08 04:56 PM
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Almost everyone in my family is an addict but me. They are extremely selfish. Both of my half brothers are homeless drug addicts. They have repeatedly chosen drugs over their families.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.....
Re: Addicts
MelodyLane #2106426 08/08/08 09:12 AM
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WaterOak Offline OP
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You are so right. I'm printing this out and hanging it on my wall (at work) to remind me.

And you know what... even if it's not the alcohol... it's SOMETHING... it doesn't really matter WHAT it is, it's not my job to pull him out of this hole.

Married to addict
Separated 7/08
DD1

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