The easy way sure sounds nicer to me. Just a couple months and she could see the new me on a continuous basis. Scary1, I really need to talk to you. I want to do everything right without anything seeming like an act or doing something wrong. I HAVE to do all I can, the right way, to keep this woman. She is my world! She is my life. She is my heart and soul. I miss her already and she isn't even gone. I have to talk to a woman and see what she needs to see. If I could and if you are willing, would you email me a way to call you to talk, on my dime? I'm not crazy Scary1, just crazy about my wife. Please. If not, I understand. I am completely lost. I need to hear a woman's voice that feels like she does and tell me what not to do or what to do right.

sponse26@essracing.com if you please


About the dating. She says there is nobody else and nobody in particular on her mind, and she does not know where she will met this guy, but I'm with you. There's something fishy. I can't blame her though, look at what I never gave her after 2 years. She's missing what she is searching for.

I am strong. Strong for her. But without her, I am weak!

hub,

You really need to slow down and think about things. I know exactly how you are feeling, but tomorrow will come, and the next day and the next. You will have good days and bad days, but you'll get through. Don't worry about the future so much as you can't fix that all at once.

I know you've been working on you, keep doing that. You'll find you like yourself better and though you'll still miss your wife, you won't need her quite so much. Your wife will notice the changes, she'll be skeptical, but she'll notice. That's why you have to do it for yourself, not her.

And stop beating yourself up over the past. You need to forgive yourself and move on if you expect her to do the same.

IIRC, you guys haven't been separated that long. It took my wife a month before she started getting scared at all about the reality of the situation. Give it some time. Even though she's talking about dating, saying it and doing it are very different. In a way, that's good as she isn't content by herself right now. She doesn't see you as the solution, but the chances of her being comfortable with someone else right now is pretty low, I would think.

As for your surgery, there's a good chance that that could open up her feelings for you. If there's any guilt in her, it will be strongest then. Heck, I've sometimes wondered if there was someone way I could end up in the hospital just so that my wife would be conflicted.

Can't say things will work out for you, but you have to be patient and let it play out some. You don't want things to fall apart further because you didn't give it time.

As for contacting other women, be careful about that. I did the same thing awhile back, and although nothing happened, I realized I was mostly trying to replace what I was missing from my wife, even though all I did was talk about her. I can't say that it helped any. It's unfortunate that guys aren't good in these kind of situation, but stick to guy friends as much as you can.

Edit: Think of it this way, would you want your wife befriending a guy in order to help her deal with what she's going through?

I'm trying hard to slow down, but I only would want to confide in Scary1 to get the female perspective of what mistakes I am about to make. That way, I don't make them and have to type on here all of the things not to do! hehe

Just hearing the right and wrong things from Scary1 seems like the best answer for calming me down as you are asking of me. I guess a phone call might be a little too much to ask, but I has an idea I wanted to run by her without posting cause I think the XWTB may be watching. Not for sure. Maybe I seemed a little creepy, if I did sorry Scary1. I'm not creepy! lol Just getting lost.

As for other women.... Y U C K ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Get real - I have no interest in anything but my wife. The thought of a woman even looking at me with any emotion scares the crap out of me. I've never hit a woman in my life, but if a woman came on to me right now, I'd nail her!

I cannot picture myself with anyone but my wife. That's why I'm here in this forum crying my eyes out. Begging for help. Thanks to all of you that are here and are sticking around to walk me through this. Usually when a post gets this long, people get exhaustedand move on. Thanks so much for stickin around!! All of you!

More drama coming soon ...

Maybe I made another mistake. Here's the idea I wanted to run by scary1 without posting it. I've already done it so now there's no need for a phone call.

I made a lot of promises to my lovely wife starting with our marriage vows. I kept hardly a few promises and broke more than I can count. This drive I have makes me want to make up for the past but I know I can't. However, there was one promise that I just can't live without living up to and that was the years that I promised to take her to Hawaii some day. I could never live it down with the guilt of not keeping that 1 promise.

So today, I went to my travel agent and got all that I need to make a dream come true for her. I handed a box to her tonight, again reassuring her just as I did on our date, that this is about her, not me, other than the fact of living up to one promise. The only thing I want in return is a simple delay in a decision. A 3-4 week delay in handing her lawyer a $1500 check. It's going to take a while to sell the house, going to take up to 90 days for a dissolution. so time is on my side and I assured her that I am not buying HER, but I am buying TIME. Time to prove that I can be fun to be with and respect the woman I so desire. If she comes back and still want to go, then I WILL NOT stop her nor will I even try to.

I will breathe easier knowing that I did live up to at least one promise to her and I will feel relief. That plus, before my surgery this winter, I want to go somewhere anyways. Who know what will happen on that table. Nobody does. Will I wake up? Will I leave this earth not living up to any promise that I've ever made?

I sure hope not. She said she is going to think about it. Yes I did overwhelm her. But I feel no guilt for that. overwhelming it is. DIVORCE. Yeah, overwhelming. Big time!

I feel like I did the right thing. If she says no, that's ok. I'm still going, I'll just have to decide bewtween my Mom or my sister.

My wife has always talked about seeing a volcano with real lava flowing from it and to see it from the air. I have all of that planned and I want to see pearl harbor. I am a WWII nut and have deep feelings in me for those that sacrificed for me to love my wife.

Scary1, join in here and tell me what I've done to her with this. Did I do wrong or did I do right? Anyone chime in here and tell me if my last ditch effort of proving my love was the right or wrong thing to do. I know she's worried about feeling like she'll owe me when it's all over but I reassured her that her payment to me of waiting to write that check until we get back would be payment enough.

What have I done? Anyone?

Ah man where do I start!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!

All right brace yourself! I guess I have to bring out the big guns to use on you. You don't seem to be taking to heart anything that people are posting here.

You need to stop everything you are doing and get a grasp on yourself and your emotions. RIGHT NOW!!! Your are spinning put of control. Talk about going down in a ball of flames.

1st you can not buy love! You know that, so why are you trying. How do you think that buying your STBXW a trip to Hawaii is going to solve any of your marital issues. You think that she is going to be like "Oh my God he loves and cares for me so much. I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. This trip will totally help me to forget about all the bad things he has done to me or how badly he has treated me. What a great guy. How could I ever think about leaving him."

You have committed one of the biggest acts of desperation that I think I have ever seen a guy commit. Please take just one moment and explain to me how you see taking your STBXW is a good idea. Here is what it screams to me. "Please, please, please do not leave me. I am begging you. I can not live without you. How can you even be toying with the idea of dating someone else? Here let me prove to you how much I love you and how much I deserve you with this token of my desperation (insert worthless monetary gift here)."

Alright look. I know how you feel as do the other people that have responded to your thread. We have all already been in your shoes or we are currently experiencing similar hardships. One thing is obvious to me and that is that you have not even beun to DETACH. I bet you have not even look into what it means to truly detach or what it means to detach. Here is a link once again for you to visit, that will help you grasp the idea. http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm Here let me copy and past some quotes about detaching:

What is detachment? (Just a few examples) Detachment is the:

[*]Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
[*]Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
[*]Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
[*]Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
[*]Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

No where in there do I see where it says that detaching is giving up, throwing in the towel, or to stop loving.

What are the negative effects not detaching? (Just a few examples) If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

[*]Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you do not really want to do.
[*]Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
[*]Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
[*]Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.

There are so many negative affect that not detaching can have. Especially on a relationship in peril such as your own.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach? (Just a few examples)

[*]If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
[*]They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
[*]You need them as much as they need you.
[*]Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.
[*]If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
[*]How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
[*]Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
[*]You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.

Above are just a few examples of what people that do not understand what it means to detach or people that have fear of detaching think. If you are having any thoughts remotely similar to those above. Then you my friends need to detach. It is even stronger proof to that fact.

Hub. I wasted a good 6-8 months of trying to save my marriage doing similar acts or have similar behaviors to your current state. No, thank God I never became delusional enough to buy my STBXW an expense vacation, I may have though about it, but logic, thank goodness took over. But anyway I wasted a good 6-8 months spinning my wheels and taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back. The cause of this 6-8 months of limbo was for one reason and one reason only. My lack of being capable of detaching. To me there is nothing more detrimental to our cause then our in ability to detach. Up until I was able to begin to detach was I able to start have a clear glimpse of my situation ad what my STBXW was going through. It was only until then was I capable of any type of rational thoughts. I am not saying that the clouds parted and I have a crystal clear vision on things or I know what to do or how to act. But, me ability to think, control my pain, control my emotions and put together a game plan started to become possible. There is now way your are going to have a snowballs chance with turning things around until you get a hold of yourself. You need to get a hold of your thoughts. You need to get a hold of your emotions, You need to get a hold of your resentment. You need to get a hold of your anger. You need to get a hold of you self respect. But, you can not begin to do any of those things until you begin to detach. I am telling you as a friend and someone who has suffered as you are suffering. DETACHING needs to be your number one priority right now. YOU NEED TO DETACH. Only then can you move forward and make progress to win your wife back. Please believe what I say. Detaching is the key. Not meaningless trips to Hawaii.

Email me if you need more one on one. If you want to talk over the phone email and we can set a time. lovncela@yahoo.com

Stay strong and focus on detaching.

Nugget

Hubiscous,

I have lurked on MB on and off for a little under two years. I decided to register today because I wanted to tell you that I whole-heartedly agree with Nugget about your downward spiral.

I think this site is extremely helpful and I am not going to pretend to know as much as the regular posters here, so I understand if you take what I say with a grain of salt.

As Nugget stated, I do not think you are "getting" it. All of these gestures to your wife are not coming from a strong, healthy place with your family as the priority--they are coming from a very needy and desperate place with your SELF as the priority. You are not in a healthy state of mind right now. I can feel that you want to be and that you are trying to be a better husband, but you're not ALLOWING yourself to become more healthy because you refuse to detach. You cling to her because you are afraid of losing her and in my personal experience, fear should never be the sole motivation for one's actions.

You cannot give another person your best when you are not at your best, and right now you are not at your best. You need to work on yourself independently and let her do the same. Change is so hard, even when you really want it. You haven't changed yet and the desperate gestures only expose that.

I do wish you luck! The other posters on this thread are fantastic, PLEASE listen to them. I want everything to work out for you.

Yep, I have to agree. She's going to feel like you're trying to buy her out. I read a book titled 'Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late" and it specifically addressed that issue. You can give gifts, but then need to be at the same level as your relationship is at right now. It is good that you got her something that you know she likes, but you way over did it. You could have got the message that you are thinking of her much better by getting her a CD of a band she likes, or something else small like that. It would show that you know who she is and what she likes, without going overboard and make her feel like you're trying to buy her.

If you're lucky, she'll just blow it off and reject it. If not, she'll resent you for it. And I would not take your mom or sister with you if she rejects. That's going to make her feel worse. Cancel it or give it away to somebody else, but don't go without her.

I understand what your feeling. My wife has had 3 kids, and wanted to get some plastic surgery to adjust some things. So I went ahead and found out if I could get a loan for it. I could, and I wanted to tell her, but thankfully I didn't. I was just going to keep it ready for when/if things got better. Unfortunately, she found out about it, and it didn't bother her, but I don't think it helped me in any way.

And I'm all for giving gifts, that's one of my wife's ENs and I feel like I've done a pretty good job of it. Spacing them out, making them thoughtful and personal, not too much, and not expecting any reaction in return for it. But I have overdone it. I got her these 3 pack of massages, and she told me it made her so happy, but she felt guilty about it. That's not the reaction you want.

Oh, and don't start doing things that you can't maintain. She'll see through it, you'll be burnt out, and you'll be worse then where you left off.

I see. I over did it. Just wanted to kep one promise to her and make my final stand. Buying her is NOWHERE near my intention. Buying time? Yes. I did not see this as a way to buy her but everyone else including her does. y intentions are nothing but good and I keep screwing up! Damn me!

If she accepts, however, we're going, and I'll show her that I can be a fun-loving man. If she says no, I'l have to cancel. However, before I lay flat on that operating table, I am going to do something extarvagant! I may never get the chance to do anything again. Maybe by then, my detachment efforts will help and I can gain some strength that I need to move on.

I did finally read the detachment link you sent Nugget. But yes, I hadn't until just now. It's a little mixed up though. Detach from someone that needs help is not a good idea. And she needs help, but she also needs to find herself. So it's a double edged sword detaching from her. Detach I will though. Seems though it's for the best.

I stil hope she believes that it's not a purchase for love, cause I've made it clear that I have to earn her love, trucst and faith in me. If she believes that, then I see no harm in going. If she strugles with it, then I'l detach from the whole thing.

Thanks a lot EVERYONE! Keep those 2x4's swinging at me. I need all the wake up cals I can get at this time. Especially the closer it gets to D-Day!

Why??? Do you see it as your one last chance for an act of desperation? Don't do anything extravagant. It will not work out. It will only back fire and but your efforts farther behind. Listen to what mel_vin said in his post. It is very good advice It is the little things that count. I have read two books recently about how to connect or understand women and they both make the same statement. The little things or acts of kindness that we do for women have a much bigger impact overall then do our big efforts. Holding her hand out in public, sending her a warm text during the day, opening the door for her, calling her by the nickname you have for her etc. All have a bigger effect on her emotional security then taking her out to an expensive meal or buying her expensive gifts or vacations. You are thinking like a man, You are thinking to big. You need to think small. Think about the little things that are important to her.

Who says she needs help??? She has told you that she needs help! Or you have decided that she needs help because she is walking away from a hurtful marriage and does not see things your way. How do you figure that she needs help. What is leading you to say that???

Just wanted to add one more thing to what nugget said. Where is this time table coming from? Why do you want to put all this pressure on her. Take your time. I know you have surgery coming up, and you want her by your side, but is it impossible to think she may not be ready till after the surgery? Rome wasn't built in a day, these things take time.

Right now, your lack of patience makes it look like this is about what you need and what you want, not what she wants. Let this work on her timetable, let her have some control over her own emotions.

Also, regardless of whether or not she has a problem that needs fixing, you aren't the one that needs to fix her. She's having trouble trusting you right now, and you have obvious motives, so you can't really help her solve her own problems. Let her figure it out for herself. What you need to do right now is fix your own problems (which you've been working on) and be ready when she's ready.

Ok, one more thing. I get the need to do something extravagent. That's fine. If this is something you really want to do, then hold off till she can really enjoy it, knowing there are no alterior motives. And heck if you love her so, is there something wrong with waiting? Heck you can keep your promises even if you guys get a divorce. There's no law that says you can't do something extravagent for her then, and then she'll know it's about her and nothing else. And you know, some people actually get remarried every now and then.

As I mentioned before, my big thing for my wife was the surgery. I don't know that I'll be able to afford if we have 2 residences and such, but I am not ruling it out as something that could happen in the future. If I love her at that time and she can except it, then I may still do it. Afterall, it's not about what I might get in return, right?


So that's not one thing but still, work on your patience.

Roger that - patience - gotta keep reminding myself that time really is on my side , for now.

She reminded me today when she told me no to Hawaii, that she's afraid of the obligation that would follow. She has her own mind, so I will not continue to remind her that it's about her and not me. She has every reason not to believe a word I say. I'm really the only one that knows what comes out of my mouth is fact. Including all of you. There is no way I can prove anything with words. I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

She said she still needs to get out. Her gut tells her to get out. That cool. She has her own feelings for once and I gotta detach!!!! DETACH!!! (repeat repeat repeat)

She did say one thing positive, and that she can see change in me and she wants to see it for herself and don't have to prove it to her with words. You all are so right and I hate that - lol. Everything you've said to me is true. Let it all play out. She's seeing it, but she has to leave me to heal - she says. I just hope she's a fast healer. I can't wait forever, but I will wait a while and hope she finds me again. I'll be right here, loving, waiting and crying out loud.

I'll hold on to that money for a little while in hopes that she comes back before my surgery. If she comes back before my surgery, then we'll go to Hawaii to celebrate her return and party big time! Celebrate like brand new lovers!

I wonder though what it will be like lying there with IV's in me without her holding my hand when they put me under.

Sorry if I missed this already, but when is your surgery? She came around enough by then. If it were me, I wouldn't mention the surgery to her (or bring it up for no reason anyway) until a week before the surgery. Then I would ask her if she would go with you...don't beg, just let her know that it would mean a lot to you if she was there. It's ok to admit you need her, and she may respond if you say it as if she's not obligated, but you'd appreciate it. It could end up being a good bonding experience for you two.

About 6 weeks ago (maybe longer), I asked my wife to go with me when I was getting a tatoo. It was my first, and she'd had a few before. Plus I justed wanted her there. She said she didn't feel comfortable with it, but I think she was glad I didn't just run off without her. And I called her right afterwards to let her know how it was. I'm glad I asked, and I'm glad I went ahead without her as well.

Hub one of the reasons that she feels like she needs to get out is because you are putting way to much pressure on her. One of the first thing that EVERY relationship book that I have read states is that if your relationship is going south and you spouse wants out you HAVE TO BACK OFF. If you do not back of it only pushes them father and faster away. I was amazed at how things between me and my W changed for the better, once I back of and stopped pressuring her. She stopped be on guard and so defensive. She started accepting my invites to do things together. It will be no different with your W. You will be surprised at how soon she may loose interest in "getting out there" once you back of.

Here is an example from my own book. When we were going through things at the end and we were still living together, my wife spent as much free time as she could with her friends (3 of them divorced single mothers and 1 of them in an un-happy marriage). If she was not working then she was with them. Going for coffee, going out dancing or just hanging out. I felt abandoned. Well once we got separated and I backed of the heavy pursuit to get her back, the tables changed. Now she only speaks to two of those friends. She does not spend anytime with them. She spends all her time that she is not working at my house. And when the call her on her cell phone, when she is with me she sighs and says now what do they want and does not answer. No that is irony.

Ok, now let me address your surgery. Several years ago I had a very difficult surgery. One that landed me in the ICU. I spent a week in the hospital and 3 weeks layed up at home on oxygen. I was during this time that I found out that my STBXW was not in love with me. My family (which I am not very close to) spent substantial amount of time taking care of my and our S. I even came very close to my old brother that I have despised for most of my life. My W did only the bare minimum that she thought necessary.

Here is the kicker for me. 3 weeks out of the hospital, unable to care for myself, laid up in bed and still on oxygen, my wife tells me that in one week she is going to drive to CA with her friend to pick up her grandpa that is sick. I was shocked. I told her that there is now way that she can go. I can not take care of myself and our son. She replied that it is a week away and that I will be better by then. I told her there was no way. We left it at that. Well a week later she comes into my room and says "Ok I am off". I honestly did not know what she was referring to. I said confused "Your off to where?" She replied casually "To CA with (friend) to get her grandpa. Remember I told you last week." I freaked and told her "I told you there is now way you can go and leave me here. I can not care for myself and I can not car for S." She replied coldly "it is only 3 days. You will be fine. Call your family, they will come to help you." and with that she walked out the door.

About an hour later I sent her a text that said. "I hope your friend is willing to take care of your needs as you are will to take care of her's. I suggest you speak to her about a place to stay, because you have turned your back on me, in a time when I need you here the most. Do not plan on coming back her." She responded. I am sorry that you feel hurt by my leaving. Everything will be ok." On another note. This is the one action that my wife has done to me that I resent her for. Everything else that she has done or says I have long forgiven her for and forgotten about. But this one I am still struggling with. I know that I do need to forgive her and stop resenting her for it.


I will not go into the details about her return home, but will say it lead to our first conversation were she told me that she did not love me and she was not attracted to me. It was all downhill from there.
Here is what I am getting at. As much as you would like your W to be by your side in the hospital, it is not the best thing to wish for right now. She is not feel the same about you right now as you feel for her. She is not in the same mind set as you are. Although I am confident that she cares for your well being and your health, you asking her to be by your side is selfish and very pressuring to her. If she knows that you are having surgery, fine leave it at that. If she wants to go then fine. But, DO NOT ask her to go. DO NOT beg her to go. DO NOT pressure her to go.

I have to disagree with this a little. I think it's ok to ask, but without pressure and certainly no begging. Don't make her feel guilty about saying no, and don't let her 'no' hurt you. Nor should you jump for joy if she says yes. Don't pretend like you don't want her to go. But it's just an opinion.

And hub just so you realize your not alone in how you feel....I just got off the phone with my wife. We talked for 30 minutes, which is amazing in itself. She actually gave me a compliment and opened up a bit. By the end of the conversation, I wanted to tell her I loved, her missed her, everything that you're feeling. But that would just push her away, so I bit my tongue, and told her I enjoyed talking with her. It sucks, I don't want to wait, I want this to be all over now, but I have to wait the same way you do. You can do this. If I can be patient, you certainly can.

I don't think he should ask and here is why I say that. If he just let's her know that he is having surgery and when it is, then if she wants to accompany him that it is her own choice. She has decided to do so with no pressure. All he did was provide her with the information.

On the other hand if he asks her to accompany him then that is pressuring her. Even if there is no begging or guilt behind it. If he asks she will feel pressured because she may feel obligated to go. She may feel guilty and agree to go only because they have a history together and a surgery is a big event in life. So even if she does not want to go she may end up going because of the pressure and the history involved.

But, like I say if he just says that he has an upcoming surgery and leaves her the choice to go or not all on her own, then there is not pressure.

I think we agree in principle. No pressure. I just think she should know that she's welcome to come.

Hub, will you have family there? I can imagine that would be a reason for her to stay away, as I'm sure she think your parents see her as the enemy.

And hub, pick nuggets advice over my own. I think he's got more experince on this then I do.

That is a very good point. I would like to know about this also.

I plan on going for this surgery after Christmas, if it can wait that long. What I am getting is a Pelvic Pouch Pull Through. This will remove my colon completely and have me laid up for about 3 months of recovery and then I go back again to have the temporary system removed and the new J-Pouch system will then be used and recover for another 3 months.

I have family that will be there. Mainly just my mother who lives 2 hours away. My wife can think what she wants about my family but nobody hates her. She always confided in my mother and my mother knows everything that I've done and what it's done to my wife. Because she always told her and not me. Man I wish one of them would have told me!

Mom should be there most of the time, but I say only most. The other unmost of the time, I will probably be alone, unless I meet someone who cares about me. Her mother cares about me alot! She knows what I've done, but she still loves me, I know she does. I would guess that she would also be there if I needed her. My wife would probably only be there long enough to drop off the kids when it's me turn and my mother would take care of me and the kids at the same time. I fear that my wife would get away from me as soon as possible. I don't know, just guessing. I was not always there for her during rough times of hers and I see this upcoming surgery as a chance for her to show me how it feels.

I really don't think she has ANY feelings at all for me. Can I blame her though? Probably not. Just really scarry to think of the times that I'll be alone through this. And really, the reason that I decided to get the surgery instead of popping pills forever was my wife. I know our quality of life and alot of my anger stemmed from my discomfort with Ulcerative Colitis. My sex drive was very low and my anger was on high when I was flarred up. Kinda like being on "the rag" 6 months out of the year. I decided to get this surgery to improve our life! I would have went on forever miserable if it wasn't for her.

Getting my health fixed and getting my head on right was originally all for her. Time and time again I told her that our life will be so much better after the surgery and my therapy. I will be making myself better though, while she's off doing her dating thing and finding herself. It hurts! Hurts bad.

I finally detached today. I gotta let go. I'll hurt like hell. Won't be able to listen to ANY music. Every dang song reminds me of her. When I said do something huge for a vacation, I meant for me. Before my surgery, I want to do something extraordinary that I've never done. She has always wanted to go to Hawaii and I have always wanted to see Pearl Harbor. Looks like Pearl Harbor it is. Probably end up going in January or maybe go during Christmas. I don't know. I plan on surgery around Feb. or March. This will put me on disability during the at&t contract negotiations and might save my job in April. I'll still have a paycheck during the strike if there is one. I'm hoping my system will hold off that long. I'm hoping that the stress from all of this not push me in early. Stress causes flare ups and I'm starting to flare up as of today. It's got me worried. This whole thing might tear more than my heart up!

I don't think I'll ask her to be there. With children involved and shared parenting being the only way I'll sign any papers, I'll have my wonderful children every other week. She'll have to know when it's time and she can make the decision for herself. Who knows though. There's a lot of time between now and then that if I can stay detached, maybe she'll find herself and want me before Christmas. I'll be praying HARD for that!

Hub, you seem to be a bit beaten down in your words you have written. It happens to all of us. Take sometime to just relax and breathe. This battle is not going to be easy, but it may very well be the best thing you have ever fought for. Stay strong.

I had not idea you surgery was so far into the future. You need to refocus a lot closer to today and not so far away. A lot can and will change before next spring, so it is useless to focus your energy so far into the future.

You need to set yourself some short term goals and put together a game plan on how you are going to accomplish those goals. Set goals for tomorrow, the next seven days and for the next 2-3 weeks. What is it that you wish to accomplish in those time frames and how are your going to go about achieving them? What can you do today, tomorrow and this week for yourself? What steps do you need to take to make you W feel secure? What steps do you need to take to give your W that space she needs? What SMALL (not trips to Hawaii) acts of kindness can you do for your wife so she can see that you love her? Let's get you working on NOW and not some distant date in the future. That day will be here soon enough, but a lot will and can happen before then.

As far as your detaching goes. I am glad to hear you are starting. But keep in mind detachment is not something that happens overnight. How long it takes depends on the person and how focused they are on truly detaching. I am a little concerned about your frame of mind concerning detaching. I know it can be a scary thought, especially when at first you do not understand what it means to detach. You say "Won't be able to listen to ANY music. Every dang song reminds me of her." Detaching is not meant to be painful, unless you make it painful. I feel that you still think that detaching means, forgetting, giving up, moving on alone. It does not mean any of those. True detachment is what sets you free. It is what frees your mind and your soul. I was in a cloud of haze, until I detached. I was constantly confused and at odds with my emotions, I could not make a clear decission. But, once I was able to begin to detach, was I able to see and think more clearly. You need to stop thinking of it as the end, because it is not. In reality it is a new beginning, kind of a re-birth.

I dug in my archives and found this article that help me to understand detaching a little better. Hope It helps you as it helped me.

What is detachment?
Posted by: Remez Sasson

There is some misunderstanding about the meaning of detachment. What is detachment? Does it mean being indifferent, lazy or lacking warmth and compassion? No, this is not true detachment! True detachment is a state of not getting disturbed or agitated by external events and by yours and other people’s emotions and thoughts. It is a state of staying calm and in control of yourself and your moods in every situation, without feeling being harassed or hurried by people or circumstances. Detachment shows itself in lack of attachment to the results of your actions, and in accepting the consequences of what you do. Instead of getting nervous, angry, agitated or unhappy, if things go wrong, you stay calm and try again. In this sense, detachment shows itself as inner peace, inner strength and courage. A truly detached person would act, work study or do everything else with attention and to the best of his ability, without laziness or indifference, but also with full detachment as to the results. There is no waste of time and energy on thinking about the ‘why’ and ‘what if’. You can make plans, work and live an active life, but yet, maintain an inner state of detachment. You can love, be happy and enjoy life, but be emotionally and mentally unaffected by circumstances, situations and people. It is a matter of attitude. I know this might seem impossible for some people, but nothing is impossible with some training and inner work.

Are you quick to get angry?
Are you easily affected by what people say or think about you?
Do your moods go up and down often?
Can an insignificant, unpleasant incident destroy your whole day?
Are you happy with this situation? Probably not!

The good news is that by developing some inner detachment, you can change this situation. Most people allow external influences affect their moods and behavior, and do nothing to stop this state of affairs. Being emotionally affected by external situations and by what people say or do, often brings needless unhappiness, anger and suffering. Yet, most people do not do anything about this state of affairs, because they regard it as a natural part of life. Imagine how free, relieved and happy you would be, if you could stay calm and poised in the midst of whatever is happening in your life. Think how much physical, emotional and mental energy you could spare, if you were able to avoid being upset, angry or moody. Emotional agitation, anger and hurt feelings bring a lot of distress and lead nowhere, except more pain, suffering and broken relationships. They disturb your mind, disrupt your concentration, and prevent you from focusing on the matters at hand. If you wish to enjoy inner peace, it is imperative that you try to gain at least some degree of inner detachment. Possessing inner detachment does not mean that your life will be worry-free, and that nothing will ever disturb your inner poise. You will still encounter disturbing circumstances and disturbing people, however, your attitude toward them and the way you react would change.

To understand what I am talking about, let's look at the following scenario:

Jim and his wife Suzan planned on going out to meet some friends at a restaurant. A few minutes before leaving home, one of their children dropped a dish to the floor and broke it down. Suzan got angry and yelled at him, and then started picking up the pieces and sweeping the floor. Meanwhile, Jim was waiting impatiently for his wife to finish cleaning up, so that they could go out. When they finally left home, they both were tense and nervous. On top of all this, they were stuck in traffic jam, which made them more short tempered. When they finally arrived to the restaurant, they were exhausted, moody and uncomfortable for being late.

Does this scenario ring a bell? Well, maybe it is a bit exaggerated, but everyone goes through similar disturbing situations every single day, when rushing to work in the morning, and your children have all the time in the world, when having something urgent to do, and a friend just keeps talking and talking, or when someone at work or on the street mistreats you.

Let's now look at a different scenario. Let's suppose that Jim and Suzanne are able to display some emotional detachment. With such a frame of mind, they would have calmly handled the incident with the broken plate, cleaning the floor and the traffic jam, without letting their emotions heat up and control their behavior and moods.

The ability to maintain a calm and poised mind, and avoid being upset by external situations is called inner detachment. This ability does not change the external situation, but it allows you to act and react without involving needless inner turmoil and heated emotions, which often cloud the judgment and waste unnecessary emotional and physical energy. Being emotionally detached enables you to evaluate every situation more clearly, and respond with common sense and poise, instead of responding with anger, moodiness or stress.

Emotional detachment does not make problems and troubling situations disappear, but it enables you to act and react calmly and with common sense, without negative feelings and moodiness. Developing inner detachment is not different from developing any other skill, and requires understanding of what detachment is, the desire to gain it and training.