Ok I'm not sure where to post this one but....

I had my first visit to marriage counselor today. I decided to go on my own this time. After explaining much to the therapist she seems to think that H has a sex addiction. She suggested I go to the internet and google it. I did that and I'm mot sure if that's H or not. One thing I found disturbing is that it said most sexual predators are sex addicts. I guess that's not to say all sex addicts are sexual predators but it's upsetting to see them even lumped in like that.
My H has admitted that he is EXTREMELY sexual. He almost always needs an orgasm to fall asleep at night. Is that abnormal? I'm not a guy and I don't know know how much sex a man needs but I do know men usually have higher sex drives than women. I see all the time on here men posting about their wives not giving them enough.
H has been into some extreme porn in the past. Stuff I find repulsive. I don't know how long he's been into it since we have been married but I just found out that he was into before he we married.
What is the firt step? Does he need to be diagnosed or what? I have told H he needs to go to counseling in order to make the marriage work. If he has an addiction I assume he needs some kind counseling OTHER than just marriage counseling.
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this I'm all ears.

Sexual addiction seems to be diagnosed a LOT recently. First, it's important to understand that sexual addiction like gambling addiction isn't quite the same as a substance abuse addiction. Yes, during sex and high-risk events like gambling your body does secrete chemicals, but they are indiginous to the body, and the physical response is lmited by that. I like to think of gambling, shopping and sex as compulsions instead.

I know someone who was diagnosed as a sex addict in the late 80s. One thing to consider is whether your H uses sex to escape reality and avoid dealing with hard issues, include love and fear of abondonment. Other issues, does sex interfere with other relationships or daily life? Has he lost his job because of his sexual behavior? Has he had numerous affairs, sometimes concurrently? Does he engage in increasingly risky sexual behavior?

The porn is also a problem, naturally. Internet porn seems to provide some aspects of sexual compulsion and with the gaming compulsion packing a powerful wallop. I know that sometimes people cross the line from the fantasy of the internet into real life, and if he was into some hard core porn, that could cause problems for you.

I guess all of this is to say, I don't really know VegMom. I don't think needing an orgasm to go to sleep alone rises to the level of sexual compulsion/addiction, but with other stuff, I jsut dont' know. See if you can get him to the counselor.

My husband is an addict.

My both my husband and I see sex addiction therapists. They aren't compulsive sexual behavior therapists. They are real sex addiction therapists.

The center that our therapists work out is called the center for sex addiction, not sexual compulsion/sex behaviors.

COSA is for Codependents of Sex Addicts. It isn't COPPCSB-Codependents Partners of people with compulsive sexual behavior.

Generally, codependents are attracted to addicts. Or Codependent behavior is a coping mechanism of dealing with addiction. I've never seen codependency mentioned as a coping device of dealing with a compulsive partner.

Sex addicts go through withdrawl. Just like an alcoholic. Sex addiction escalates, just like a coke addiction.

I think something like 3-5% of Americans are sex addicts. I think it shows up more here because it looks like an affair, quacks like an affair, and can escalate to affairs. I can't tell you how many times I gave my husband the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. There WAS NO other man. I married a man who was emotionally unavailable because of his addiction.

There are some marriage counselors that don't believe in sex addiction. So you need to tread lightly with that. And there's a chance he may/may not be honest with the therapist.

I've posted on your other thread. I have read where addicts can't fall asleep without MBing, hence the red flag. But it just could very well be that your husband prefers to live out his fantasies, rather than keep them as fantasies. I've never had the guts to do that. Sometimes, I wish I did.

Heal yourself. Figure out your truths, and lay out your boundaries. You have to let go of his issues. They are his and his alone to deal with. Take care of yourself. This is your job now.

Yeah it's hard to know for sure. H was emotionally unavailable to me for most of our marriage but I wonder if it's partly because he didn't know how to give the affection, love and repect that I so desired, and also partly because I didn't communicate enough how important it was to me? I know I did try telling him at times but he didn't get it.
His dad exposed him to porn as a child. He kept BDSM magazines around the house like you would any normal magazine and out in the open. I guess he didn't think it was abnormal, or maybe he didn't care that it was because he liked it. He didn't try tht stuff with me in the beginning of the marriage. After a few years he started to bring more porn and toys into the bedroom and then he did try to get me to do much kinkier stuff and I just couldn't. Since he kept so many secrets from me it's hard for me to know if he was always looking at that stuff or if he only resorted back to it when he felt the marriage was not good?
Well whether its fettish or addiction I don't like it and he knows it. I certainly don't wnat that stuff on the computer where my son could find it. That would be the worst.
I guess I should leave it up to the counselor too see what she thinks about his behavior and if he needs further counseling for an addicton.

Mumoftwo, maybe you know something about withdrawal from sex than I do. Alcohol, heroin, and certain other drugs can have very dangerous physiological withdrawal symptoms. They are beyond habit-forming, they cause physical dependency.

I know the trend in psychology is to call all sorts of stuff addictions, but I also know there are psychologist and psychiatrists who do not put gambling, sex, shopping, and eating in the same class as alcohol, heroin, cocaine, barbituates, meth, etc.

And just because I subscribe to the second theory, doesn't mean I treat the behaviors lightly. I know personally how destructive some one who has a sex problem can be. I also know these people cannot easily control their behavior without help dealing with the underlying problems that lead to the behavior.