Of COURSE if the family does not support the marriage, and the NC that makes a marriage possible, they should both avoid all events.

NC with the OW is imperative for FWS and BS both.

Welcome to MB, Jim. Is there anything we can do to help you?

I guess this is where I see it as a double betrayal. Why should one have to choose between their marriage and their family? Her WH has reached a new level of pond scum by putting her in this position.

Three years ago my S and DIL made a decision to reconcile. OW made life hell for the first year. OW then went after S's 1/2 brother with a vengeance, got pregnant, married him this March and had the baby in July. I call it "back dooring" my S's & DIL's marriage.

A week ago last Saturday they (my kids and their paternal family, as I'm divorced from their dad) decided to have a "family gathering". They all met up at a local restaurant to celebrate the "new" baby. GAG ME!!! How in the world my DIL sat in the same room as the OW and dined is way beyond me. DIL and OW now have the same last name. Lovely........

Now my S, DIL and D are all mad at me, nor speaking to me because I'm hollering NO CONTACT for life from the rooftops!

Holycrap, Ragmuffin. Again, this illustrates the nature of this type of pond-scum WS. I'm sorry your family is turning on you - it is completely unfair. Hopefully, they will see the light with time. Surely your DIL will come around.

IMO, an affair-supporting family should be cut off, regardless of the status of the affair or marriage.

This is not about keeping a family together - too late for that. The only question left, is who is worth keeping? Who is going to stand up for what is right?

Tabby,

This just kills me, what hurts even more is their 81 year-old paternal grandfather was in attendance also.

I emailed my kids grandfather Dr. Harley's article on no contact for life, along with his credentials and a link to this website. He hasn't responded to my email. Birds of a feather? I guess I'll never really know.

My DIL has read Surviving An Affair, heck, I even bought it for her over 4 years ago. I've been relentless about NO CONTACT.

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hard thing to do? Yes!!! The right thing to do? Yes!!!

JimFlint, you have correctly recognized that the problems with this kind of adultery are ENDLESS. For example, if her other family members won't honor her request for nc with the sister at a holiday event, then she and her H couldn't attend. They very well could blame CIM for the entire mess, even though anyone who was that sick and cruel should be avoided anyway.

The affair should be exposed to ALL, especially the children. They need to understand the gravity of the event that led to this result. CIM's children should never be around their aunt again.

This kind of adultery is profoundly destructive and wide reaching.

VERY well stated, Neak!
If the sister insists on attending family events, and if the family tolerates her, then the couple has to bow out of family events. They can still visit for no reason - the impromptu weekend cookout, for example.

They can also host events at their home and not invite the sister. I don't think big events like Christmas or Thanksgiving, but perhaps Memorial Day or a child's birthday.

Neak, Thank you for the welcome to MB. I have followed your story and what a testament to what genuine love and faith can heal!!! You are an inspiration to all of us. Your humor and wit along with your mother's hilarious stories make for very entertaining reading.

I have a particular interest in CIM's story as I have been going through a similar situation for the past two years. My wife had a LTA with my own brother for a period of about five years. The damage to my family is unbelievable. Every family event including holidays, birthdays, weddings and all get togethers have been affected. My father blames me for the break up of the family and doesn't understand why things can't be the way they have always been. I have tried giving him the MB concepts and theory and he is not interested in hearing about it. He just wants his family back together again.

My wife and I confronted my brother about it and he lied until my wife told him that she had confessed to me. When I told him that his wife deserved to know he ordered us off of his property. My wife did send my brother a NC letter by certified mail. My wife has sent letters of apology to myself and to my brother's wife. She has sent letters of apology to my parents (Mom died last year) and to my sister who has supported our efforts. Dad is another story. He is angry at me for not just "getting over it" and letting it go. He see's no reason for my wife and brother to not be together as the affair has ended. Never mind that it starts all over again if there is contact.

The two biggest problems I am having is that the pain from the break up of the family affects my wife and hurts her to the point that she feels that maybe it would be better to be apart so that I could have my family back. I have told her that that wouldn't happen even with her out of the picture. She will hold back on working on the marriage because she is afraid that it will end which it could because of her lack of involvement and my frustration which creates a self fullfillng prophesy. I truly have forgiven her however it will take some time for the hurt to heal.

The other major problem is the feeling that my father blames me more than my brother (or wife) which is almost overwhelming at times. I dearly would like to hear him tell me he is proud of my efforts in a very difficult situation and help support us in rebuilding. He could be a significant factor in our success by confronting my brother and working to create a schedule for holidays and get togethers.

Just a note of thanks to all on this forum. You all saved my life when I found this place about two years ago. The double betrayal just about destroyed my faith in relationships. I learned so much from watching other posters. God bless.

Good for you both, Jim! I can see why this question touched a chord in you.

Kudos for sticking to your guns, and doing what is right, and good for you for being willing to recover with your FWW. It sounds like she has been doing what she can and should do.

Just a guess, but since for a "normal" affair 2 years would be the minimum expected recovery time, I would think a double betrayal + it being a LTA would be harder and take longer. Don't get discouraged if you aren't coming along as fast as you think you should. You'll take the same steps as everyone else, but in your own time. And you will get there.

It really is too bad your family has not all been willing to support your heroic efforts, and it's wonderful that you haven't let that stop you from what needed to be done.



(Just found the new emoticons. )

PS Feel free to hang out in the FHP Aisle any time you want, and your wife, too.

Jim:

Create your own thread. CIM only posted once, and may not come back.

Dealing with your father is something that several folks around here can help you with.

Most folks want everything to be "postcard perfect" even if it isn't. It's like exposing the A to folks and asking for thier support and all you hear is "I don't want to get involved" because they want to avoid "conflict"

If you feel that your father is blaming YOU, then let us help you address those issues so that you can relate better to the wrong headed ideas of your father.

LG

Thank you for all yr advice.To answer sme of your ques , fortunately there are no children yet and we hadn't told nyone else in the family because it would just affect them terribly.I guess that explains why it's been very difficult for me, cause there was no one else I could talk to about this. Thanks to this discussion forum,it all makes sense to me.Cause I was now questioning myself if I was being selfish by thinking no contact shld be minimal.Also I was wondering why after a year it still hurt .I guess it makes sense that every time I see them together it takes me back to the moment I found about the affair.Right now I need wisdom as to what conact is allowable and what isn't, cause I want to repair my relatonship with both my husband and my sister.

Really there should be no contact for life. Otherwise you are always facing the possibility that the affair will flare up again. Often it does after many years.

Sorry, but this would be a dealbreaker for me - no children, and I would be divorced.

How long have you been married?

Ditto.

Your sister will ALWAYS be your sister. Your philandering husband on the other hand?...

It's your choice, but recovery is difficult enough. Maintaining NC is CRITICAL if you choose to save your marriage. It must be absolute. This would seem impossible in your case.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. You did not deserve any of it.

CIM, there should be no contact EVER between you and your sister. Tell her to never contact you or your H again. Then call your mother and other family members, tell them about the affair and explain that you won't be attending any family events where the sister is invited. That way your family will know your sister is not to be trusted and the other females can protect their marriages from her.

Your sister has done a horrible, despicable thing to you and should not be given the opportunity to do it again.

Any contact with her will trigger both YOU and your H. Just cut her out of your life, she is your enemy.

Even if you D your WH, I would recommend that you also have NC with your sister the rest of your life.

Now what if she repents and is converted, etc.? My opinion, and I have thought a lot about this, is that there will be plenty of room and time in heaven to make amends if an OW is truly repentant. And as long as we do not hold onto a spirit of bitterness and anger ourselves.

Here on earth, we cannot see the heart the way God sees it, and we can't know for sure if an OW, even a sisterOW, is truly sorry. The risk of introducing a slow poison into our lives, a deep infection that never heals but only festers, is too great IMO to chance it while on earth.

Leave her to God, and let Him fix her in His own way.

True, true.
And since you don't currently have children with him, are you willing to follow the above advice once you have kids? If you aren't going to be able to, then just D him now.

When it's family it's a gift that keeps on giving.

I want to elaborate a bit.

Regarding D, though this is a Marriage Building forum, even Dr. H himself says that not all marriages can or should be saved.

From what you've said, it sure doesn't sound like your WH is the least bit remorseful OR concerned about your feelings.

No kids?

IMHO, no question...

Have strength. You are not alone.

I have thought about what I would do if my daughter had an affair. I know what my former in-laws did, which was have the OM in their home while she was still married to me during holiday's and such.

Let me say I didn't make it very comfortable for them when I asked what their words were worth when the were among those in attendance who agreed to support the marriage when the pastor asked the assembled congregation for their vow to support the marriage.

When it comes time, I will make it clear to my daughter than when she marries, I will support her husband, as long as he's faithful and not abusive. I can see where I sit both of them down, share what I think about marriage, and let each of them know that I believe marriage is a covenant before God, and something not to be taken lightly, and as long as he's a faithful, loving man, he will always be welcome.

I will also make it known that if either of them are NOT this, then certainly their affair partners will NEVER be welcome around me, even if they divorce.

I will make it known that if my daughter should cheat on him, he's STILL welcome, but any partner she has after that will NEVER be welcome in my home. She will always be welcome, her children will always be welcome.

Other than my daughter, I will not welcome those in my home who engage in affairs, ever!

Having lived it, and having been "betrayed" by the Inlaws as well, I want to make sure my future SIL (and I hope distant future, today is the first day of 4th grade) will always feel welcome if he's a faithful and loving man, regardless what my daughter may feel about him.

He may not take me up on that, should that happen. But I want to let it be known that he will be welcome in such a circumstance.

I worry about it because my daughter spends more time with her mom, the wayward, than she does with me. I think she sees the difference in values and behaviors.

I simply want my expectations to be crystal clear, when that day comes, hopefully in 20 years, or more, LOL.