I'm have been in plan B for one year now. I have broken NC with WH for a period of time but since March I have been in a dark plan B. From what I have heard, the affair is over but WH has not done anything to recover our marriage or even contact me.
My story

I have come to the conclusion that I need to detach from WH. I thought that would be a natural consequence of plan B but it seems like he is stuck in my head. As long as I keep busy I'm ok but everything that reminds me of our happy days together triggers me to start thinking of my H. Even a quiet day at home can be enough to trigger this. I miss him so badly, I want to see him and talk to him and hope for everything to sort out.

I think that one reason that I can't let it go is that I feel that the affair and our separation is mostly related to the state of our marriage before that. I know that a WS always blames the BS but even though WH explicitly said that he left only to be with OW (in ifself a huge love buster and should have made me detach at the spot) I always felt like he was running away from us. I want our marriage to heal and I did my best with plan A. I know that I have done all I can but I am so sorry that he was running from us. We used to be so close together.

I need to consciously detach from my H. How do I do this? I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas.

Well, you stop thinking about him, and get on with your life. And when you DO think of him, you purposely focus on something else. But it takes a lot of time.

I forced myself to develop a new life, and it wasn't easy at first.

If he is really having no contact with the OW, then it might take a long time for him to want to work on the marriage. My ex and I divorced, and the affair ended within less than 2 weeks after the D was final. Then it took him 7 months before he started coming around to wanting a relationship. Sadly by that time, I was done.

So stay busy, make plans, live a good life, and don't get interested in other men.

Why_Us,

Believer is right. As much as I HATE plan B, and I do, I am finally coming around to seeing what my role is in it. It was just to protect myself from the WH, to protect the love I have left for my H, but to help me to learn to take care of myself and build a new life without him.

I RESIST at every step, probably almost all of us on here do. But there isn't a choice in this. Your lives are separate now. AND that hard to comprehend. I'm the best at not comprehending this.

I don't know your story, I don't know how spiritual you are or where G-d plays a role in your life, but the bottom line is, to survive this and come out a whole person you have to dig deep inside and move one step at a time.

People would tell me to find stuff that I always wanted to do, I fought it. I fought all the suggestions on an emotionally level, but not intellectually.

Mimi tells me all the time that my H is DEAD to me. One day I realized that if he really were DEAD what would I be doing, I would be living life to it's fullest because that's what MY HUSBAND would have wanted me to do.

As hard as it is to imagine and totally understanding that you don't want to do it, there is a life outside our M and we unfortunately are not given the choice to follow it. We can't control the other person, or I would.

If your M was bad then become the different partner yourself and let time take time and heal your life the way it's meant to be healed.

Take what you like, throw away the rest.

Thank you believer. Yes, purposely focus on something else is what I will do.

I have changed things in my life, I have developed new interests and I have good friends. I am working on myself to become more caring, patient and better at human relations. I can't do anything better than what I am doing now and I will be happy about that. Thanks again.

Thank you queeny. I am not really a spiritual person but I try to work on myself to be able to give love to others and to be happy with me.

I have been thinking about how I can become a better partner and have come to the conclusion that I will become a dream girl. Not my WHs dream girl but my dream girl.

What a great thought why_us! I hope you don't mind if I borrow it. Try not to feel bad - I believe what you are going through is normal. I actually have given up recovery but I still miss him now and again - even during times when I AM busy and SHOULD be enjoying myself. But then there are those times when I do or accomplish something on my own and feel awesome that *I* did this and *I* can actually cope. I'm sure these feeling will eventually outnumber the others.

(((why)))

I am in exactly the same postion as you - Plan B for 1 year. I have also heard that OP is no longer in the mix, but my WH has not had contact with me either. I've worked with Jennifer and sent a couple of letters but no response. He is very hostile and wants nothing to do with me. Go figure.

For me, it's trying to quit thinking of a 35 year M. I've known my WH since Kindergarten, so he's always been in my life somewhere. And yes, it's so hard. You feel like a part of you is missing, and it is. He was my family.

So,,,,how to do it? As everyone else has said, try to focus on something else. I find days where thinking about it gives me a headache and I don't want to think about it anymore. But, getting that movie out of your head is not so easy.

I just try to keep as busy as I can. I just keep finding more work to do so that I don't have idle time on my hands. Not sure what else to do since I can't speed up time.

This is the part I hate...and makes me so sorry for everyone who has experienced infidelity....on both sides. I'm the sorry one...BW not interested in rebuilding anything at this time. I feel like you do, though on the other side of things. Our periods of interest in recovery never seemed to converge...and we are lost because of it. I am also experiencing difficulty in moving forward, feeling stuck in "why can't we get it back together." But, the advice here is sound...keep walking. Over time things seem to fall in place despite it all. For me, I think my life forever will have darkness with regard to all that we have experienced here...

I agree with you blackntwrk. There will always be a black cloud somewhere for us. This is something one never forgets....

Tabby, thank you, and I don't mind at all if you borrow it. I am happy if I can contribute at all here.

ChaiLover, ouch, 35 year M and your whole life together. I feel exactly like you said, everything is fine as long as I am busy. I also felt better after I had cleaned out some of WHs stuff from our house and put it away in boxes. I rearranged the closets and got all my stuff the way I wanted it. It's easier to get him out of my mind if his belongings are out of sight.

blackntwrk, ok, keep walking and working on yourself.