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It has been 6 months since d-day and about the same since the NC letter was sent. I see that I should have exposed to OWH at the beginning, but is it too late to do that without jeopardizing the NC?
Here's the letter:
8 August 2008
Dear OWH,
It has taken me several months to decide to write this letter. I have been hesitant to cause more pain. However, the choices to create this pain were already made by F-WH and OW. I am merely the messenger…
F-WH did a lot of thinking and came to me in February, without prompting, to declare that he has been denying an affair that he and OW have been having for the past 3+ years. It started when they were at (workplace) and there were several occasions when they met after they "ended it" over the phone in the spring after they were caught in a lie about attending a banquet together. They had sex several times at the hospital and as you know, talked and met together MANY other times. Among these meetings, OW stayed with him for several days once in Las Vegas (while she at a conference) and for several days once in Los Angeles (when she drove home from somewhere in the south and stopped in Los Angeles "to visit her grandma"). Both trips included multiple sexual encounters.
He says that he saw OW last when he went to Portland just after Thanksgiving 2007. It was a Saturday night and they met for coffee. He says that he hasn't talked with OW since then and has made adjustments to e-mail to block her. Apparently he missed one and OW recently wrote him a note threatening to expose the affair to me. Whether or not that note is true, I don't know.
I have written to OW via email and told her that I know. I suggested that OW tell you and try to work on her own marriage. She forwarded the emails to F-WH without comment. He did not respond.
F-WH also wrote her a letter telling her that the affair is over, that he is committed to our marriage, and that she should respect his wishes and never communicate with him again. We sent it together by regular mail to your house in the beginning of March. As far as I know, there has been NO CONTACT since then.
F-WH agrees that I send this letter to you. I hope that letting you know may safeguard both of our marriages from a continued affair (should either of them attempt to continue it). These are extraordinary precautions that our marriage counselor has advised us to put in place.
I wish that I did not know what I know, but I have faith that it will help me to recover and move forward. I hope that it can do the same for you. I know that if it were reversed, I would want to know.
Sincerely,
HTM
PS. If you suspect that this affair has continued or have any other need to speak with me, please do so via email. My address is .... Hopefully, this is the last time that I ever need to talk with you about our spouses and their affair. God bless.
BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).
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Sure you should for a couple of reasons. First of all, in my opinion, you need closure. This does the job. Secondly, you need the comfort that your husband not only knows that the OW's husband knows, he is actively watching. This shuts a door that needs shutting.
Just my opinion.
Larry
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HTM,
Absolutely send it. And especially since you have the support of your FWH. I think you are spot on in feeling that it is a safeguard. Not to mention that in hindsight you now know that you would have appreciated the same from him if the tables were turned. You can refer him to Dr. Harley's books if he wants assistance in his recovery. She may not have told him, but he definitely deserves to know.
Good letter!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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HTM,
Please send the letter registered mail to OWH only. I think it's a fantastic letter. And I think it's important to your own marriage as well as to OWH.
You're holding yourself to your code of honesty, not basing it on the outcome. Way to go. And your FWH is with you on this, important as an act of ownership in redemption.
Have you safeguarded your marriage from possible contact by OW? Changed email addresses, cell and phone numbers? That's the only thing I would advise you to put into place (your best effort) first. My perception of you is that it's already taken care of.
You rock.
LA
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I like your letter, HTM. It's very eloquent.
Charlotte
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Have you safeguarded your marriage from possible contact by OW? Changed email addresses, cell and phone numbers? Home phone is different and unlisted. Address is different. City is different. Deleted any and everything online that she could trace us through. H's cell phone IS his business so we didn't change the number, but she hasn't tried to call. H blocked her on email...he doesn't use the one that she used the most, but she COULD find his business email because he has a website and she knows the company name. If she wanted to, she COULD find a way to contact him, but we've tried to make it really hard. refer him to Dr. Harley's book I would be nervous that OW might find the MB website and find me...my email is the same as my username here and she knows my email if she looks back at the one that I sent her the day after d-day. HTM
BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).
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HTM, my first post to you. All of us would be aghast if the OW ever found out we all thought so lowly of her, if she found your posts...NOT. But anyway, change your user name here. At the rate you're going, Bigtimemama might be good. Just think up a different one, and I believe all your posts will reflect that new name even if she does try to "google" "HTM". Best wishes, and ditto what everyone else says, her BH has to know what she has done. I never use the same screen name on forums, though I belong to very few. GF (not to be confused with the GF on SI), just in case anyone "googled" me.
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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I would try to call or see OWH in person to know that you really got the word to him. Nothing worse than thinking you have exposed an the OW heads you off at the pass.
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GF...I think your point is well taken. I'm sure that OW doesn't think I like her, I just wouldn't want her to be able to use anything against me somehow. I may change my username...HTM doesn't fit me well anymore anyway.
Road,
It was suggested that I send the letter registered mail so that OWH has to show ID and sign for the letter. I am in another state so face to face is probably out, and honestly, I don't know if I have the courage to do it in person. That may sound cowardly, but I really am not sure how the OWH is going to react. I know that their M has been bad for a long time (the entire time that I knew them) and H has confirmed that as of last summer they were sleeping in separate bedrooms and it was rumored that OWH had an A as well.
I think I'll take my chances with registered mail.
HTM
BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).
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HTM,
Great letter! Kudos to you for taking this step.
As an aside, I agree with what GF said. I am very careful about I reveal online, I don't use the same handle, etc. I have been concerned in the past for you with some of the personal information you have given(eg where you may be going on a particular day). Better to be safe than sorry.
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Pill,
You're probably right about the personal information. I'm pretty trusting (surprisingly so).
I think I'll change my username here soon. Just gotta think of a new one that I can remember.
HTM
BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).
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I have signed for registered mail addressed to my wife. You might want to ask the post office how you make sure that the addressee is the one who gets the mail ONLY.
Larry
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