Those of us who are the betrayed, but who stepped up to the plate, took the bull by the horns (how many more cliches can I fit in here?) and made the first moves to repair the marriage (Plan A, etc.) <P>Question: Once things started to improve, was there a delayed reaction of resentment?<BR>Was it suppressed as a necessity to get busy on the positive work of salvaging the marriage but then reared its ugly head later?<P>This seems like it could be a real land-mine in the recovery process. (Not that I'm lucky enough to have this as a problem yet) <p>[This message has been edited by 2sad4words (edited October 15, 1999).]

YES! I found, and am still finding this to be true. It is still early in the game for us, but after the first week or so of hurt, BAD hurt, hurt so bad i can't breath, hurt....we started rebuilding, slowly...then, out of the blue, WHAM! I was MAD AS HE** !!!! One morning i woke up mad, and stayed mad for a very long time. It was throwing me, it thought it was going to make him back track in the healing process, too...but BOY! The resentment was HUGE ! ! ! This was more than a landmine...this was armagedon.

For me it was a delayed reaction. I was so concerned about getting my wife back that even after she commited to working on the marriage I remained in the honeymoon state for a couple of months.<P>In my case the change from elation to anger and resentment was triggered by discovering that my wife had lied about some details of the affair to "protect me". Even if that had not happened, I feel the angry feelings would have come sooner or later.<P>Most people have to supress a lot of their anger and hurt over their spouses affair in order to win them back, so it just makes sense that it will surface again when your fairly sure your spouse is ready to handle it.<P>My resentment was quite strong, even to the point of wanting to have a revenge affair. I really think that this part of the affair/recovery process is just as difficult as any other part because you start to realize what kinds of sacrifices you made to get your spouse back in spite of what they were doing to you.<P>When I looked back at what I had done, it seemed like I was this groveling idiot that had no self respect. But I can say now that after some more time has passed, the anger and resentment has subsided somewhat and I am simply happy to have my life, my family back.

I think that the resentment I have the most trouble with is the wasted 13 years when my H was lying to me. I knew he had cheated, and I think that my anger over the lying was so strong that I could not be the kind of wife I needed to be. It wasn't until I got so miserable myself that I forced the issue.<P>I just can't seem to stop thinking that if he had been honest with me 13 years ago, we could have worked through this stuff then and not spent so many years living in hell. But, now, it seems to be more of regret than resentment.

Hi 2sad4words,<P> YES, big time resentments...as someone said you put all those emotions on hold and then BAM they seem to resurface later (it's been 4mos. of recovery for us after finding out about ongoing affair last Dec.....the length of time of affair (11/2yr. and the extent of the deceit did a number on me.<BR> Add to this that in recovery I have a spouse who is depressed and doesn't seem happy to be here and whoa , talk about resentments.<BR> One thing I have finally done which has helped has been to concentrate on myself more, making my life happier and realizing that H has things he has to work out by himself....I feel a litte more detached and not so resentful....Good luck, it's tough...Lu

I haven't felt resentment yet. I've been trying to win my wife's heart back for 10 months now. We are doing better, but we've got a long way to go.<P>I have felt rejection, deep hurt, incredible sorrow, anger, but no resentment.<BR> <BR>Great, something to look forward to I guess.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 15, 1999).]

My H been home again for 2 weeks and I am having some resentment. I was really angry for a few days this week but feel a little better today. I knew this would happen and tried to be prepared for it as I've tried to deal with his withdrawel. I'm still waiting for this damn rollercoaster to stop.

When I found out about my H betrayal almost nine months ago, I thought I was going to die. I was willing to do anything to get him back. At that point, he told me he did not know if he wanted our marriage, that he did not love me like a W and some other hurtful crap. I tried to convince myself that he was MAD and that he did love me and was just confused. After all, we had 21 years together. No matter what it would take, I was not going to let him go.<P>Almost nine months later, I am willing to fight for my H and marriage with all my strenth but I have come to the point where I will not beg, plead or try to keep him in the M if it is not what he wants. I have the feeling of everything sinking in finally. I think in the beginning you just want it back so badly-that's all you can think about. Later, you start thinking about what has been done to you-and yes, the anger and resentment spring up big time. If I am not angry or resentful, then I am depressed. I am trying to let go of the past but am having a very hard time.<P>Every once in awhile, I have a good day where I might even start to feel a twinge of happiness-never quite make it there, though.<P>For the record, my H now says on a scale of 1 to 10, he cares about our marriage as 10. He tells me he loves me (although I know its not quite right-but he claims he wants to love me like that again). He is affectionate and seems to be happier than he has been in awhile. Even with these positive signs, I still have days when I wonder if we are going to make it. The hurt and emotional damage has been incrediable. Fortunately, we are joining the Catholic Church (they are incrediably strong on marriage and relationships) and I'm hoping for God to do a complete restoration of our love for each other.<P>Anyway, hang in there. Its a long painful road, and the fear that you might never get it back is hard to ignore-its always there right under the surface of everything you do and say. Best wishes.

We have been in "recovery" since Labor Day. My H. had his affair from March of 98 to April of 99. He told me about it in August, and he moved out for three weeks to give us breathing space and time to think. <P>We have been in counseling since long before he told me about her (which made for alot of wasted visits.) The resentment I experience is in response to all the months he treated me so horribly when, in my view, he should have either moved out or confessed while it was going on. <P>I spent months "working" on our relationship while he was still 'boinking' her. <BR>Feeling dumb, that's what I resent! Even now, as things are slowly improving, it creeps up on me when I get some new tidbit of old news about their affair. <P>I trust that it will, like other wounds, heal with time.<P>Lizzie<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

I am so glad you posted this thread. I have been feeling feeling so much resentment in the past month and I really began to think I was crazy. I haven't been posting because after reading so many stories of people who don't have the fortune of having their spouses with them I felt selfish for feeling as I do. I love my husband and he says that he loves me. Sometimes I don't know if it is enough. He is really trying to hard to make me feel better and we are working on our marriage, but sometimes I feel that it is not worth going through. I am really affraid that he might do it again. After all there were so many lies while it was going on and even afterwards. I wonder how to tell if he is telling the truth now. I am not even sure somedays if I care.<P>------------------<BR>