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Joined: May 2007
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kiras Offline OP
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I have been trying many of the Marriage Builders Techniques for sometime now especially the conflict resolution/ negotiation skills. However they do not seem to work with my wife who has BPD. Many people say that while untreated, BPD people cannot absorb this kind of approach. Is this true? Should I be trying something else?

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I would agree with those that say MB would probably not work for someone with BPD. The reason being that people with BPD have the emotional maturity of a 2-year old. You can't reason with a 2-year old. That's why BPD is so frustrating.

If your wife has BPD, she reacts to things you say or do in ways that don't make sense ... completely unlike a normal person ... correct? So why would you expect her to react to MB techniques like a normal person? You're not doing anything wrong. It's her reaction to you that is wrong.

You might want to check out the message board at www.bpdfamily.com ... it helped me a lot to understand a friend with BPD (or more accurately someone I thought was a friend ... I don't think serious BPDs have the capacity to be a true friend).

Good luck kiras.

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kiras Offline OP
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Thanks SnuggleFresh, I thought so. What you say is in line with other advice I have had from several sources. It is impossible to reason with them. I am starting to really see this now. I have been reading the book "walking on egg shells" which is helping me. Very Much thanks. I will visit the BPD site.

Cheers


Kiras

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"I have been reading the book "walking on egg shells" which is helping me."

Good Book! It helped me learn how to deal with my mother!!!

I did learn to start abusing myself when I would be critized by someone who was really important to me. I would hide it from them, but I did it because the pain I felt in the cuts and bloody scratches didn't hurt nearly as bad as their DJ's and flat out criticism. Thankfully it only happened a few times!!

I've finally been through enough counseling with a wonderful counselor that I've finally learned "I count too, whether the other person thinks so or not. It's not all my fault."

Once I learned that, my whole attitude about life began to change. I finally learned I don't have to "live up to" anyone's expectations to be important in life. WOW! It feels GOOD! I can finally relax and enjoy life!! And everything in all the other areas are getting better too!!

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Has your wife been diagnosed with BPD? PD's are really hard to deal with because they are part of the person. There's a limit to how much she'll be able to change and meet your needs.

MB principles won't help here, and probably will only increase your resentment of your wife.

If you aren't, see a counselor who has experience with BPD. You need specific professional help to deal with your situation.

Good luck


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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kiras Offline OP
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This advice is progresively becoming apparent to me. What you say about the skills in egg shells is true. I know that I am accountable and responsible to me not to a PD. I can also now see that the distortion and abuse lies in the middle of the connections not in the stimulas or reaction.

EG: My wife told me she feels very betrayed and unsafe around me (true statement)! However when I asked about her feelings she says it is because I lied to her and betrayed her trust (true statement)! She further told me it was because I was untruthful (also true). She said I promised to wash the bed linen (true). She then held up a pillow case that she found on the floor near the bed (evidence). She then said I had only washed some of the bed linen (missing the pillow case) and therefore I lied to her as I had only washed some of it and not ALL of it as I said I would do - therefore she cannot trust me or feel safe with me, and if she refrained from calling me a useless ***** then she would be lying to me by not sharing the full extent of her emotions and she would be as bad as me. I know that her feelings are real (extreme depression and anger) as are the acusations (I did after all miss the pillow case). It is the connections that cause a missed pillow case to cause the reaction that is crazy. She says if I was more careful and responsible in my attention to detail then there would be no problem.

I know I must protect my boundaries and seek my own help and I cannot change her, only me - but it is hard when you are married and love your wife.

I will keep reading the BPD books and keeping my support networks up thanks everyone.

I would still like to return to MB skills one day but not yet. My sister says that Marriage Counselling is for "normal generally intact people" that need direction or additional skills. IE MB but just as a GYM instructor can help prevent a heart attack in the long term he can do little when you are having a cardiac arrest and need immediate surgery, thats when the Cardiologist comes in. My marriage needs the cardiologist (or in reality a Psychiatrist).

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Facing the Facts at BPDFamily.com evolved from the co-author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the Welcome to OZ list server e-mail groups. As here the message board format with individual threads appears to be more appropriate to individual’s questions and special topics of discussion. BPDFamily is totally staffed and moderated by volunteers who have experienced a relationship with a borderline partner or who may have a child or parent so afflicted. The mission is to proved educational and emotional support to relationship partners, friends and family of individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Regulation Disorder or other emotional intensity disorders. All information found there is designed for support and enlightenment, not to replace the relationship between patient and their physician or other healthcare professional. They are also accredited by The Health on the Net Foundation. Their Code of Conduct (HONcode) for medical and health Web sites addresses one of Internet's main healthcare sites for reliability and credibility of information.

The web is filled with an abundance of excellent sites containing clinical information and professional references to Borderline Personality Disorder, the diagnosis and treatment. There is minimal information for the partners and family of these individuals available. The BPDFamily focus is for the non members of these individuals and to help them in improving their environment or to help overcome the difficulties in closing out that relationship. The vast majority of those with Borderline Personality Disorder have not been diagnosed nor in treatment. The awareness of this personality disorder is now coming to light to the general public and much research is ongoing in the professional community today.

If any of the following items describe the situation or feelings you have you many find help there.

Unfounded accusations, aggressive behavior, alienated, verbal and physical abuse, codependency, depression, lies and distortion of facts, consistently inconsistent, fearing the one you love, playing peace keeper in your family, feeling trapped and alone, avoiding endless arguments, controlled and manipulated, hiding your own feelings, can not talk to friends and family about your home life, your words are always twisted around?

If you have felt any of these feelings and nobody believes you when you explain what is going on in your life you are in a stressful high conflict relationship and it may involve BPD.

BPDFamily contains many articles by professionals in the field, Workshops that cover specific areas of concern and tools for coping with stressful situations. Their aim is to describe the disorder from the non's view and help your understanding and recover control back into your life. The disorder is not always easy to understand or recognize since there are many facets of it's major elements that are predominately demonstrated in different ways, all relationships appear to be a little different but contain many of the same themes. They also support forums for members who are dealing with difficult relationships with children and parents.

BPDFamily has recently produced a video that is a wonderful overview of the issues surrounding this personality disorder at Information for the Family. There is also many more articles about BPD that can be viewed at http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

As with the Marriage Builder's support group they are open 24/7, anonymously confidential, no membership fee and no advertising. Members come together to learn more about the disorders, discuss ways to cope, explore technical topics and to just be with others who understand and receive encouragement.

If your relationship is stressful and hard to understand you should visit there for information and understanding. BPDFamily.com


You are not alone.

larider
_________________________
BPDFamily.com

This was posted on my thread in Resolving Conflict related to my BPD daughter.

Their website is good. It's hard though because this is incurable, you just have to find your own coping skills. A mentally ill person doesn't stop being mentally ill.

Sorry for your pain.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....

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